Gawker
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executions
About Last Night
Hey, thanks for coming. Have a seat. We need to talk about what happened last night. We're not mad, we're just concerned. OK, we're sort of mad. Mad enough to kill. More »
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Comment by Never Stop Dancing: Thank god they finally executed Minsley Tortimer in all of his various reincarnations once and for all. Hats off to American... 18 Responses | Other threads
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executions
Some Of You Won't Have to Worry About Those Facebook Commenters Anyway
You know what are always fun (well, mostly for us)? Commenter executions. Yeah, some of you nogoodniks have been running around with impunity for too long. So today eight of you are getting culled. More »
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Comment by IBentMyWookie: Minsley will be back, if only because h/er 30 comments (often back-to-back) in each post put a lot of money... 45 Responses | Other threads
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executions
It's Hanging Day For Ten Of You
Back in miserable ole England, I didn't work every week. London had 8 hanging days a year, spaced every 6 weeks or so. This is because the city of London had far fewer criminals than the Gawker readership. At Tyburn, where the hangings took place, heads and corpses were preserved and then put on display as advertisement that London was a city where law and order reigned supreme. I've asked Denton to install a vat of formaldehyde on the Gawker HQ rooftop, but there is not enough room amidst the beer pong tables and antiaircraft guns. Instead of embalmed cadavers, I have these posts. Do they work? Not really. If anything, as Gawker's readership has grown, more and more unworthies have managed to sneak in. Blame it on the Montauk Monster. So take this as a warning to stop being such sniping, off-topic, oversharing whiners. You're embarrassing yourselves. And now, as a result of our little discussion earlier, several of you are dead. More »
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By jack_ketchComment by David Huffsoff: Uhhhmmmm. This night have something to do with it: Unfun at 02:36 PM @imwiththebrand: Um, trust me, I've probably corresponded with... 31 Responses | Other threads
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commenters
In Which You Tell Us Who to Execute
You may have noticed that our widely feared commenter executioner, Jack Ketch, has been absent for the past few weeks. We're not exactly sure what is going on with him—maybe he's overwhelmed by the position (there are so many of you now!)—but he'd like to come back and roll a few heads today. Because he's been absent for the past month or so, he needs your help. Who really irks you? Who is needlessly contrary and unhelpful? Who is hideously self-promoting? You can tell us in the comments below or, if you prefer the coward's way out (I'd totes take this option), you can send a private email right to Mr. Ketch! So have at it, and we'll kill some fools later on today.
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Comment by Jack Ketch: I can't believe I actually thought this would work. Nominations or I'm gonna kill everyone whose name ends in a... 84 Responses | Other threads
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executions
Were You Not Listening the First Time?
Hey! Remember a couple weeks ago, when I warned that anyone commenting "slow news day?" would be executed? (I'll handle the editorial direction of this website, thank you.) Well, not all of you were listening. That's unfortunate. Goodbye.
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By SheilaComment by ✈The Late Pufflehuff✈: I bloody love slow news days because you get lovely stories like that one. Getting a childhood message in a... more » | Other threads
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executions
We Come To Bury Dreamer, Not To Praise Him
Sometimes, when I have absolutely nothing else to think about, I worry about this business of commenter executions. I consider whether publicly recognizing the horribly witless may be construed as a tacit endorsement of jackassery. I fear that an attention-starved dullard or two may quite wrongly perceive these execution posts as a way to garner recognition. But, I always come to the conclusion that I am doing more harm than good. By highlighting the mistakes of a few, I (hopefully) provide a sort of how-to-stay-alive-guideline for the many wonderful and levelheaded commenters on Gawker. This is all a way of explaining, for the few of you who read the intro, why there is only one execution after the jump, but several examples of his or her chicanery. Think of it as a sort of Gawker auto de fé (Or, as my friend King Ferdinand II called it, a weenie roast.) More » -
executions
An Executioner's Work is Never Done
Remember last week, when I expressed a belief that you were all doing much better? Well, this week, not so much. I've learned a valuable lesson: Don't count your chickens while the maniacs are throwing eggs at each other. Or, as a friend put it earlier in the week, "if some of them learned how to read it wouldn't be such a problem." I agree with this sentiment, and would add a request that those of you who cannot refrain from being boringly vicious at least be more funny. Oh well, on to the death and circuses. More »
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By jack_ketchComment by autoclavicle: I'd been waiting for the axe to come down on JamieDemon and Public Relations for a while, this is glorious. more » | Other threads
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executions
Au Revoir, New York Illiterately Mean
Executions started with the goal that commenters would come to be respected. A part of me hoped that Gawker commenters could rise above the scene of thoughtless vitriol spewed by anonymous office drones and 12-year-olds, to not be mentioned in trend pieces that try to co-opt what it means to be mocked on the internet. Because these days, everyone hates anonymous bile, unless it's funny. I hoped to force the Gawker commenters into the former category. And it seems to be working. Maybe too well. More »
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By jack_ketchComment by brionity: Does this mean I have to cut my penis inferences? I trying to bring cock back into the vernacular. .... more » | Other threads
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executions
The Art of Drowning
Every so often, usually on Fridays, I see someone post a comment along the lines of, "This is execution bait," or "Ketch hasn't filled his quota yet," or "I am allowed to behave like a feckless prat in the comments because the subject matter of this post is sensitive." I don't really have a problem with the first two sample quotes, but I think that they lead to the third. In a way, I am thankful. Anyone addled enough to believe that their racist/sexist/stupidest thoughts are welcome simply because the subject matter of a post deals with someone else's racist/sexist/stupidest thoughts is clearly not long for this commenting world. However, I worry that some of the soon-to-be-deceased see the suggestion of "baiting" as their invitation to be annoying. And that is, well, really annoying. To clarify: no one is asking you to be offensive, ever. Anyways, on to the bloodshed! More »
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By jack_ketchComment by raincoaster: What, likening a Gawker Media blogger to a yeast infection isn't enough to get banned? Live and learn, I guess. more » | Other threads
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commenter executions
Of Death and Catapults
Do you like the new site design? The black? I think it's lovely. Reminiscent of DEATH. This is step 1 in my plan to turn Gawker into Jack Ketch's Blog of Commenter Executions and Pictures of Medieval Siege Weaponry. It's a new direction for the site, but think of the pageview counts when Gawker is the number 1 result for "Trebuchet" Google searches! None of this is true, really. I actually have no power. Which should be obvious, as most of my victims just return a few days later and continue the schtick they died for in the first place. It's a hard life, but a just one. After the jump, you shall find a few more victims to mourn until they return in 5 hours. More » -
executions
shilohcool: Misuse of quotation marks, misuse and misspelling of "esoterica."
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executions
The Beginning of Summer, The End of Some of You
This weekend marks the official beginning of summer. People will be celebrating in various ways. Some of you have been celebrating this summer's eve in a, heh, literal manner, meaning you've been unnecessarily rude or crude or just plain dead wrong—we're trying to raise the level of discourse here—this week, you'll meet your warm, sunny doom after the jump. More »
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By jack_ketchComment by BowlingAlleyLawyer: @Lazy Susan: I'm sorry- I crashed before I saw your request- but it looks like you got it! more » | Other threads
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executions
Bad Luck For Some of You
From our official Commenter Executioner, Jack Ketch: See the title? Get it? Because it's Friday the 13th and now you are dead! I was going to start this post with a history of Friday the 13th, why it's considered unlucky, and what a typical English Friday the 13th consisted of in my time. But then I realized I don't know anything about this day, and have been living here in the future for so long that I'm basically a lazy, ignorant, and slovenly American by this point. I can't even be bothered to write my posts in old timey English. I'll probably have to execute myself soon. So, it's Friday the 13th, which is bad if bad things happen to you today. Look both ways before crossing the street, don't stand near out of order elevator shafts, and make sure to wear your hat really low if you go wilding. They have cameras everywhere now. Fucking cameras. Let us jump, and please be careful not to slip, to the fun part. More »
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By SheilaComment by clergymen from molluscs: @Unfun: I confess that I snitched on him. In the Denton Empire, the informant is also prosecutor, the judge... more » | Other threads
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executions
Mid-week heat wave commenter executions
Whatnottowear for not getting a "joke" so old and obvious that we're embarrassed every time we make it, which is like daily. And Durannie, not for the sexism so much as for the telegram-like use of broken English. Nothing personal! Just been one of those weeks. -
executions
Yes You Can Die on the Weekend
Well, so, I got a little tiny bit pissed off earlier today. And while I was sinking into bleakly brooding, instead of swimming and frolicking, I pondered what on earth I could do about it. Almost everyone here is totally cool and funny, and we all appreciate that. But for those of you who seriously just cannot chill, I've come up with a new, special death for you. I call it, Weekend Death. More »
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Comment by NeverEnough: Sorry that random people were being pricks to you-- you genuinely don't deserve that. This will make you happy: [www.sugarbushsquirrel.com] more » | Other threads
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Simple Decency
Sorry I Was Away... Bad Mood
Hey there. Mind if I overshare for sec? Okay, so this morning I thought I'd slip out for a little siesta because it's 700 degrees in New York, but as soon as I reached my siesta spot, I fell into a deep, black pit of brooding and could hardly drag myself back. No, I was not drinking. Here's the problem. After all this time and so many executions some commenters still don't fucking get it. I know, I know, I'm supposed to ignore the stupids and the mean-freaks but the fact is it's just me for two days straight, only 12 to 15 items per day and every fucked-up, wrongheaded comment feels tremendously amplified. So for the very few of you who still don't understand that we have rules here, I am going to ask you to at least observe the following. More »
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Comment by cassandra: @Nick Douglas: Your comments are both adorable and appropriate. Spiegs, don't let the bastards get you down. You have made weekends... more » | Other threads
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executions
The Guns Fell Silent. Mostly.
Hello commenters. Our Jack Ketch is away on a vacation of sorts this week, so he was not able to supply us with a list of the damned. I guess we'll just have to improvise. People were on mostly good behavior this week, save for a few rapscallions who made uncalled for attacks on our sister site Jezebel. They've had their knuckles rapped and have atoned, so we'll let them live to see another day. But we know how you love a public execution, so we've scraped together a couple of sorry souls who will perish for your amusement, after the jump. More »
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Comment by MisterHippity: @CodePink: I know, I figured that. It's cool. more » | Other threads
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executions
Holy Hell, The Holes You Dig Are Wholly Stultifying
As Mother Ketch, god rest her soul (I killed her), always said, "The world needs ditch diggers, too." I never did fancy she meant commenters. Ones who make a stupid comment, then get themselves in deeper trouble by either constantly defending their stupidity, or being stupider. It's like watching a performance art piece, if "art" was defined as "displaying a lack of cognitive function and/or social decency." Follow me after the jump, and witness two doomed souls considerate enough to dig their own graves. More »
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By jack_ketchComment by louisev: @MisterHippity: it's 'Tug on Superman's cape.' and the answer is 'all of the above' more » | Other threads
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salutes
A Memorial Day Message
Memorial Day. A holiday to honor those who selflessly (well, except for the ones who were drafted and/or not all that into the whole dying thing) gave their lives in battle. We do this through the grilling of meats, the quaffing of ale, and laying the foundation for malignant skin cancer. In my time, we had no Memorial Day, mostly because we were too busy trying to eke out a meager existence to give a shite about how many men the King lost in John Churchill's latest endeavor at cementing his legacy as the greatest military commander in Christendom. (It's not like he had to kill people AND write a post about it every Friday, but whatevs.) In October, we would commemorate our victory at Agincourt where we opened a cask of whoopass on the French, but that's not the same as this austere holiday now upon us. Regardless, in honor of this holiday of yours, no one shall be killed today. More » -
public executions
Why Do You People Force Me To Hurt You?
Hey, hey, hey! It's time for some people to calm the fuck down... Abbe Diaz. I don't care who you are or what you've published—this kind of ad hominem, personal commenting-attack won't be tolerated here, because it's unintelligent and immature. And also, because I said so. The monkeys may be running the zoo here—but luckily, I'm one of them. That's all.
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By SheilaComment by bertyapple: @jackvinyl: Thanks. A friend of mine recommended it to me. Apparently he googled an image for "ugly dog." Interesting. more » | Other threads
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executions
Butchering The Butch-Haters
Last night, as I settled into my favorite chair, the one upholster'd with the skin of ill-temper'd puppies, I was content. Her Grace Sheila had taken care of some unpleasantness earlier, and I thought my work was done for the week. I was content to merely sharpen my axe and watch the uneven yet amusing season finale of The Office. But I was interrupted by the incessant vibrations of my Blackberry. (Lovely technologickal advances in 2008.) All these elecotronick letters pointed me to the same post. It seems that some of you just don't get it. Here at Gawker, we don't anonymously slander the physical appearance of others. If you continue to feel it necessary to mock those you find unattractive, you will no longer be welcome here. However, mocking the stupid things that people do is wholly encouraged. For instance, feel free to dance on the graves of the sodding twits listed after the jump. More »
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By jack_ketchComment by Bell County: @AndSheSaid: I generally agree with your power/humor analysis. This is why most fraternity and Republican humor (e.g., the 1/2... more » | Other threads
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executions
Those Who Do Not Listen Will Be Executed
Bet you thought I was too nice to do this, huh? Well, I warned you. I warned that all fat-mockers of the Lucian Freud painting would be executed. And unlike the clean-fingered technicians of war, sitting in their laboratoriess building weapons of mass destruction, I'm not afraid to get blood on my hands. Doolittle—yours was a minor infraction, to be sure. But everyone else was so well-behaved—and, you sorta asked for it! (P.S.: No, I'm not Ketch. I just feel like putting down some law and order.)
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By SheilaComment by raincoaster: One execution, 105 comments? What a bunch of softies! U gots to cull the herd (says raincoaster mk 6). more » | Other threads
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executions
An Ugly Business
Here at the gay liberal art school grad white people headquarters, we are, to a man, (or woman if you care to whine about such things) flawlessly beautiful gay liberal art school grad white people. Most of the time, this is wonderful. What could be better than a salon of erudite and sexy conversants, even if some of them are zombified and utterly annoying exhibitionists? It is a shame, therefore, that some of you have to be witless fops and find your insults of the appearance of others to be contributions most valid. More »
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By jack_ketchComment by SlickaNicka: @MisterHippity: I think its closer to getting frisky in a graveyard. Not that I have ever done that... more » | Other threads
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executions
Jack Ketch Proffers An Explanation
A few days yore, as I was sifting throughthe excrement of Fleet ditchthe comments, an epiph'ny struck my pate. I, your faithful executioner, have fail'd you. I negleckted to explain the diff'rence betwixt a comment that pleases me, and a comment that makes me wonder if maybe I should give Buzz Bissinger a weapon and your home address. Prithee accept mine apology for such noisome oversight. After the jump, I shall present a full explanation for why you may be executed. More »
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By jack_ketchComment by SneakingThroughTheAlleyWithLalley: @Hez: If you truly live in the Pacific Northwest, you should be eating CajunTots. more » | Other threads
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executions
Surprise Executions!
Farewell to Fred_Istare, anagram sam, Chief Wahoo, izzodee554, annasballs, Kelly Kreth, and SuperUnison. Your thoughts on the physical appearance of the crazy Dartmouth professor were HILARIOUS!! Prats.
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By jack_ketchComment by MsKellyKreth: Ah, back from the dead, finally! I put the "cute" back in "execute" apparently. more » | Other threads
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executions
The Faithful Departed Morons
This noble task, the killing of the sinful, is not as easy as one may suspect. It is with a heavy heart that I ply the tools of my trade: the axe, the noose, the adorable little "kill kill kill" button that you all have next to your names. Trust that I do not take such responsibility lightly. For instance, I thought about executing everyone who doesn't like Tina Fey. Yet then I realized that tolerance—even of the incredibly stupid—is a virtue. But I am virtuous only to a point. Therefore, the really incredibly stupid lie headless after the jump. More »
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By jack_ketchComment by BalknChain: Good Lord! Mike was executed? Hope to see his quick ressurection. more » | Other threads
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executions
Death for the Taxing
In my time, we had famous, celebrat'd men known as playwrights. Today, these savants are known as "baristas," or "homeless people." The most famous of all, Sir William Shakespeare, in an early draft of one of his most famous sonnets, wrote: "All the world's a stage, and it's time for some of you to get the fuck off." Appropriate, methinks. Past yonder jump hang this week's condemned. More »
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By jack_ketchComment by SSteele: @Hamud: I've got to say i always look forward to seeing a comment from you - you never know what you're... more » | Other threads
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executions
Meet Our Executioner
Some of you may have seen some recent comments by Jack Ketch, who speaks in olden tongue and scolds you for scurrilous commentary. Starting today, Mr. Ketch will be acting as our official executioner, much like the real Jack Ketch of old. As we laud five commenters every week in the Commies, he will dispatch five troublesome typers every Friday. Everyone has a reprieve this week, but be on your toes! Jack will be lurking in the comments, giving you warnings of possible doom. Then, next Friday, five heads will roll. -
i'll make it quick
Execution: No Fatties
Hey surfbeavernsb! Calling some random stranger a "fatty" one time may be considered sort of funny (if it's in the right context of course! don't kill me!), but mocking some not actually fat woman something like nine times in one post is just stupid. So, ya clipped. I don't care if it was "ironic" or whatever. And if any commenter says what I suspect at least one commenter will say, they're outta here too. Update: Say goodbye to KikiRiki as well, for this. -
executions
Happy St. Patrick's Day! (Except to Seven of You)
Just as St. Patrick drove the snakes from Ireland, four thousand years ago today, we are expelling some commenters on this fine Irish morning. Some were nasty or offensive, others rather obtuse and pigheaded. Some were nominated by you, others sealed their own fate when they hit "submit comment." Others still remain, slithering their way around the site, but rest assured that we'll catch you. Now, where's our parade? Find the banished after the jump. More »
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By gawkerComment by The Glad Family of Products: @AndSheSaid: God bless his zombie bones. more » | Other threads
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firing squad
Commenter Executions: Help Us Decide
Commenter executions are fun, aren't they? We've got our eye on another few people who need to get the ax, for offenses ranging from sexism to plain old not being funny. So we'll definitely be doing some dirty work ourselves, but we'd also like to get you involved this time. Lately a lot of you have been complaining about "newbies" and whatnot, bemoaning the lowering of old standards that may or may not have ever existed. So, much like the commenter-awarded Party Pick each week, we'd like your choices for the commenters that need to go; the ones that really irk you, have offended you, or have never made you laugh. Leave your ideas below, and we'll follow up with a later post. Oh, and do make sure your reasoning is, you know, thought-out and as objective as possible. No personal attacks, please, or you might be executed yourself.
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Comment by McCheeburger: It's OK. My self-esteem is already so low that a Gawker execution won't even phase my 11am-3pm EDT self-loathing me... more » | Other threads
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executions
No Country For Old Commenters
Hey it's been really easy of late. We let lots of commenters in recently, prematurely perhaps. It wasn't a mistake! (We rarely admit when we've made one of those.) But it's gotten a bit crowded around here. And because it's March, we've decided to do some spring cleaning. Goodbye to the following commenters. We come to bury you, not to praise you. Hopefully you can come back to us someday. More »
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By gawkerComment by SoftBeadySuedeShoes: @DorothyMantooth: @PimpMyCouch: Can you two just get together and have sex already? Sheesh, glad IS getting fired could bring you two... more » | Other threads
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executions
Diluting the Homophobosphere
On Saturday we posted about gay Britney Spears supporter Chris Crocker, who in his latest video angrily laments about the "homophobosphere", i.e. gay bashing on the internet. And some of the comments! They got nasty! So nasty, in fact, that The Gay Recluse posted the most objectionable ones and wrote responses to them. Thing is, we don't really disagree with him. So, we're gonna go ahead and say goodbye to a few of you "more stupid than funny" commenters who wished disease and/or death upon this troubled young lad or made the same tired old tranny joke. See you next time: PartyVan, DiabetesExplosion, TheSuper'sSon, and AceInTheHole.
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By gawkerComment by Pender: Wishing that a gay person die of AIDS is somehow worse than just wishing death on someone. It conjures up... more » | Other threads
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defamer
What Went On Behind The Scenes Of The Isaiah Washington Shitcanning?
As Isaiah Washington processes the complex feelings about his high-profile axing from Grey's Anatomy, downgrading himself from "mad as hell and not going to take it anymore," to the far more reasonable, "saddened, but will gladly work with the powers that be to see if there isn't some third solution out there that better suits everyone's interests," questions still linger as to who ordered the whacking and when. According to an AP report, it was not the decision of Grey's showrunner Shonda Rhimes—who "wept" when she made the call on Thursday—but rather a troika of high-ranking ABC studio and network execs: More »
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