Gawker: executions

It's Hanging Day For Ten Of You

Richard — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 15:42:00 EDT

Back in miserable ole England, I didn't work every week. London had 8 hanging days a year, spaced every 6 weeks or so. This is because the city of London had far fewer criminals than the Gawker readership. At Tyburn, where the hangings took place, heads and corpses were preserved and then put on display as advertisement that London was a city where law and order reigned supreme. I've asked Denton to install a vat of formaldehyde on the Gawker HQ rooftop, but there is not enough room amidst the beer pong tables and antiaircraft guns. Instead of embalmed cadavers, I have these posts. Do they work? Not really. If anything, as Gawker's readership has grown, more and more unworthies have managed to sneak in. Blame it on the Montauk Monster. So take this as a warning to stop being such sniping, off-topic, oversharing whiners. You're embarrassing yourselves. And now, as a result of our little discussion earlier, several of you are dead.

Executed:

International Lespionage

intothelight

To those remaining, remember the faithful departed. Then don't fucking act like them.

In Which You Tell Us Who to Execute

Richard — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 13:04:00 EDT

You may have noticed that our widely feared commenter executioner, Jack Ketch, has been absent for the past few weeks. We're not exactly sure what is going on with him—maybe he's overwhelmed by the position (there are so many of you now!)—but he'd like to come back and roll a few heads today. Because he's been absent for the past month or so, he needs your help. Who really irks you? Who is needlessly contrary and unhelpful? Who is hideously self-promoting? You can tell us in the comments below or, if you prefer the coward's way out (I'd totes take this option), you can send a private email right to Mr. Ketch! So have at it, and we'll kill some fools later on today.

Were You Not Listening the First Time?

Sheila — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 11:27:56 EDT

Hey! Remember a couple weeks ago, when I warned that anyone commenting "slow news day?" would be executed? (I'll handle the editorial direction of this website, thank you.) Well, not all of you were listening. That's unfortunate. Goodbye.

We Come To Bury Dreamer, Not To Praise Him

Richard — Fri, 01 Aug 2008 13:08:00 EDT

Sometimes, when I have absolutely nothing else to think about, I worry about this business of commenter executions. I consider whether publicly recognizing the horribly witless may be construed as a tacit endorsement of jackassery. I fear that an attention-starved dullard or two may quite wrongly perceive these execution posts as a way to garner recognition. But, I always come to the conclusion that I am doing more harm than good. By highlighting the mistakes of a few, I (hopefully) provide a sort of how-to-stay-alive-guideline for the many wonderful and levelheaded commenters on Gawker. This is all a way of explaining, for the few of you who read the intro, why there is only one execution after the jump, but several examples of his or her chicanery. Think of it as a sort of Gawker auto de fé (Or, as my friend King Ferdinand II called it, a weenie roast.)

Executed: American Dreamer (duh)

Crimes: Repeated Probably False Self-Aggrandizement

Rank Abusiveness

Tactlessness

A disturbing obsession with this not funny joke

And many others too numerous to list here. Farewell, American Dreamer.

An Executioner's Work is Never Done

Richard — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 15:46:00 EDT

Remember last week, when I expressed a belief that you were all doing much better? Well, this week, not so much. I've learned a valuable lesson: Don't count your chickens while the maniacs are throwing eggs at each other. Or, as a friend put it earlier in the week, "if some of them learned how to read it wouldn't be such a problem." I agree with this sentiment, and would add a request that those of you who cannot refrain from being boringly vicious at least be more funny. Oh well, on to the death and circuses.

Executed: Public Relations
Crime: This is like a Bill O'Reilly monologue as performed by a drunken Pollyanna. But worse.

Executed:DushkuFan3000
Crime: If only you could have torn yourself away from Dollhouse promo interviews long enough to email Richard, you might have been saved.

Executed: Dfkdave
Crime: Dfkdave is a whiny whiny dorkface. That is the proper spelling of dorkface. Happy?

Executed: Johnny_boy
Crime: Sigh. Also sigh.

Executed: JamieDemon
Crime: Richard killed Jamie earlier this week, but I'd just like to request that any would be NTJ-impersonators simply not bother. If anyone is just actually like this then you're sort of just basically screwed when it comes to Gawker commenting, everyone will assume you are playing a part. Sorry.

Have fun at the commenter meetup, nerds.

Au Revoir, New York Illiterately Mean

Richard — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 14:33:00 EDT

Executions started with the goal that commenters would come to be respected. A part of me hoped that Gawker commenters could rise above the scene of thoughtless vitriol spewed by anonymous office drones and 12-year-olds, to not be mentioned in trend pieces that try to co-opt what it means to be mocked on the internet. Because these days, everyone hates anonymous bile, unless it's funny. I hoped to force the Gawker commenters into the former category. And it seems to be working. Maybe too well.

Everyone is so friendly now. I feel lost at this point. I don't know how I can continue to execute people regularly if everyone continues the lovefest. I suppose it's possible to participate in it, and be a murderous jackanape, without actually becoming hypocritical. But this tiny concentration of liveblog chat rooms has become a juggernaut that subtly controls everything that happens in the comments section.

The experience has left me to grapple with learning how to cull the truly objectionable from a much smaller sample pool. In truth, I'm happy my job is becoming harder, but also glad that those below were still stupid enough for this week to have some bloodshed.

Executed: Mister Lincoln
Crime: Well, duh.

Executed: Hubert Cumberdale
Crime: A lot of stuff that I don't want to slog through, so let's just say this one.

Executed: sidemouse
Crime: Please—no more comments regarding the editorial direction of the site. Thank you.

Whining can be directed to gawkerexecutioner@gmail.com. I'll be here. Not in Paris.

The Art of Drowning

Richard — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 14:00:00 EDT

Every so often, usually on Fridays, I see someone post a comment along the lines of, "This is execution bait," or "Ketch hasn't filled his quota yet," or "I am allowed to behave like a feckless prat in the comments because the subject matter of this post is sensitive." I don't really have a problem with the first two sample quotes, but I think that they lead to the third. In a way, I am thankful. Anyone addled enough to believe that their racist/sexist/stupidest thoughts are welcome simply because the subject matter of a post deals with someone else's racist/sexist/stupidest thoughts is clearly not long for this commenting world. However, I worry that some of the soon-to-be-deceased see the suggestion of "baiting" as their invitation to be annoying. And that is, well, really annoying. To clarify: no one is asking you to be offensive, ever. Anyways, on to the bloodshed!

Executed: KillBuzzington
Crime: I keep forgetting to kill you, so thanks for this racist and unsubstantive reminder!

Executed: Verwoerdon
Crime: If you could show me a poll in which every single black person in America unanimously agrees that they would still vote for Barack Obama were he to axe-murder someone on national television, I will be happy to reinstate you. Wait, no I won't, because look at how you chose to end your salient insight.

Executed: EllisD
Crime: TMZ roolz, right! (EllisD has been dead for a few days, but this is a notably dumb comment. It assumes that a) Open Caption has any kind of newsworthy component; b) John Mayer walking on the street is news; and c) TMZ is good for anything but trend pieces explaining why the internet is the nadir of civilization.)

Have a non-stupid weekend, free of imaginary bait.

Of Death and Catapults

Richard — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 14:19:00 EDT

Do you like the new site design? The black? I think it's lovely. Reminiscent of DEATH. This is step 1 in my plan to turn Gawker into Jack Ketch's Blog of Commenter Executions and Pictures of Medieval Siege Weaponry. It's a new direction for the site, but think of the pageview counts when Gawker is the number 1 result for "Trebuchet" Google searches! None of this is true, really. I actually have no power. Which should be obvious, as most of my victims just return a few days later and continue the schtick they died for in the first place. It's a hard life, but a just one. After the jump, you shall find a few more victims to mourn until they return in 5 hours.

Executed: censoredout
Crime: This isn't obvious by now?

Executed: MICKEYBLUEFRIES
Crime: How about now? Also, D-I-C-T-I-O-N-A-R-I-E-S. You're welcome.

Executed: YourGoldKeith
Crime: Yawning

Executed: IHateNewYork
Crime: OMG A TROLL! KILLLLL IT!!!!

Executed: AndSheSaid
Crime: Well it was obvious, but you did it anyway. That's almost worse.

Executed:Hez
Crime: Bloodthirsty nervous breakdowns are unbecoming of a lady

That was exhausting. I might not have energy enough for the brothels tonight*.

*This is patently untrue.

Wednesday Morning Execution

Pareene — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 09:32:46 EDT

shilohcool: Misuse of quotation marks, misuse and misspelling of "esoterica."

The Beginning of Summer, The End of Some of You

Richard — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 14:56:00 EDT

This weekend marks the official beginning of summer. People will be celebrating in various ways. Some of you have been celebrating this summer's eve in a, heh, literal manner, meaning you've been unnecessarily rude or crude or just plain dead wrong—we're trying to raise the level of discourse here—this week, you'll meet your warm, sunny doom after the jump.

Executed: TribalPottery
Crime: No, douche

Executed: Ezekiel Gessen
Crime: We get it, douche

Executed: BaburamsAtari
Crime: Commie douche

Executed: lellogram
Crime: Existing.

Have a lovely summer's eve. Especially the recently departed. Now you can do something besides be douches on the internet.

Bad Luck For Some of You

Sheila — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 17:00:55 EDT

From our official Commenter Executioner, Jack Ketch: See the title? Get it? Because it's Friday the 13th and now you are dead! I was going to start this post with a history of Friday the 13th, why it's considered unlucky, and what a typical English Friday the 13th consisted of in my time. But then I realized I don't know anything about this day, and have been living here in the future for so long that I'm basically a lazy, ignorant, and slovenly American by this point. I can't even be bothered to write my posts in old timey English. I'll probably have to execute myself soon. So, it's Friday the 13th, which is bad if bad things happen to you today. Look both ways before crossing the street, don't stand near out of order elevator shafts, and make sure to wear your hat really low if you go wilding. They have cameras everywhere now. Fucking cameras. Let us jump, and please be careful not to slip, to the fun part.

Executed: Fishman
Crime: WARNING UNFUNNY INSANE SEXISTS: NO ONE LIKES YOU

Executed: Lothario
Crime: Cuntishness

Executed: In Other News...
Crime:

JACK KETCH: Hello, In Other News...

IN OTHER NEWS...: Oh my! Um, hello. I didn't notice you there. I was just writing another excessively long dialogue exchange for Gawker.

JK: I don't think that will be necessary.

ION: Why not?

JK: Because you're dead.

ION: I am? I don't feel dead. I feel...pretty.

JK: and witty? You aren't.

ION: Some people seem to like my really really long and kind of repetitive one note joke dialogue comments.

JK: That's nice. I find them bothersome. Want to write one act plays? Get a blog.

ION: I have one! It's&mdash

JK: I don't care. You're dead.

ION: Wait! Is this like one of those joke executions where I get to come back in two hours?

JK: I should fucking hope not.

Fin
(Thank God)

Please direct all whining to gawkerexecutioner@gmail.com. Or whatever Conbon's email address is.

Mid-week heat wave commenter executions

Pareene — Wed, 11 Jun 2008 11:37:44 EDT

Whatnottowear for not getting a "joke" so old and obvious that we're embarrassed every time we make it, which is like daily. And Durannie, not for the sexism so much as for the telegram-like use of broken English. Nothing personal! Just been one of those weeks.

Yes You Can Die on the Weekend

ian spiegelman — Sat, 07 Jun 2008 18:28:48 EDT

Well, so, I got a little tiny bit pissed off earlier today. And while I was sinking into bleakly brooding, instead of swimming and frolicking, I pondered what on earth I could do about it. Almost everyone here is totally cool and funny, and we all appreciate that. But for those of you who seriously just cannot chill, I've come up with a new, special death for you. I call it, Weekend Death.

How does it work? Simple. The weekday Gawkers spend a lot more time here than I do, so I don't want to mess with their business. But I do want the weekends to be sweet and happy and not to send me or anyone else (aside from the subjects of certain items) into a burning hot misery spin. So, if you are truly rude, thoughtless, or mean-hearted toward me or your fellow commenters, you get Weekend Death. That is, I kill you and, on Monday, if I think of it, I'll revive you. But, wait! There's more!

I will kill you every single Friday night all over again. You will become some kind of half-living ghoul, furtively sniffing around during the week, afraid to comment lest you're still dead. And when you do comment, it will issue in a hurried, manic torrent because as soon as the weekly roundup is posted and I take over—gak!—you're dead again!

Also? Weekend Death awards you no funeral. No post where friends and enemies comment on your demise. I simply unplug you. And I don't tell you, and I don't tell anyone. You simply disappear from our little weekend community one day, without a sound, without a whimper... sucked up into the terrible, terrible black sky-void of eternal space...

Because you really would have to be a serious shit to get yourself banned from the weekends. You'd have to be demented in some kind of totally unentertaining and buzz-killing way. You'd have to try really hard. You'd have to almost want it.

Sorry I Was Away... Bad Mood

ian spiegelman — Sat, 07 Jun 2008 16:34:34 EDT

Hey there. Mind if I overshare for sec? Okay, so this morning I thought I'd slip out for a little siesta because it's 700 degrees in New York, but as soon as I reached my siesta spot, I fell into a deep, black pit of brooding and could hardly drag myself back. No, I was not drinking. Here's the problem. After all this time and so many executions some commenters still don't fucking get it. I know, I know, I'm supposed to ignore the stupids and the mean-freaks but the fact is it's just me for two days straight, only 12 to 15 items per day and every fucked-up, wrongheaded comment feels tremendously amplified. So for the very few of you who still don't understand that we have rules here, I am going to ask you to at least observe the following.

Before you accuse me of getting something wrong, please make sure that I got it wrong.
Before you accuse me of "stealing" some item, please notice that there's a link to the source right at the end of the fucking post.
If you're a former Gawker editor who thinks it's a hot idea to come here on the weekend and tell me how to flip burgers, ask yourself, "Am I Elizabeth or Choire?" If the answer is no—beat it, prick.
Before you comment that some wrong-ass previous commenter "makes a good point" please make sure that he/she actually did.
In general, notice that everyone around you is having fun and saying fun things. If you can't manage to do something as decent as have fun and say fun things, no one wants you here. Thank you.

Sorry to get ranty. But what's the point of staying home working on a glorious beach day when little freaks are going to come around and spread negative all over the place? I dunno. I guess I'll post some more stuff. Maybe. I can't say I really feel like it.

The Guns Fell Silent. Mostly.

Richard — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 15:28:00 EDT

Hello commenters. Our Jack Ketch is away on a vacation of sorts this week, so he was not able to supply us with a list of the damned. I guess we'll just have to improvise. People were on mostly good behavior this week, save for a few rapscallions who made uncalled for attacks on our sister site Jezebel. They've had their knuckles rapped and have atoned, so we'll let them live to see another day. But we know how you love a public execution, so we've scraped together a couple of sorry souls who will perish for your amusement, after the jump.

Executed: steemy_mcdreemy for failing to see the beauty in peculiar things.

Executed: TheTypeset for criticizing in a needlessly personal way.

Holy Hell, The Holes You Dig Are Wholly Stultifying

Richard — Fri, 30 May 2008 14:03:00 EDT

As Mother Ketch, god rest her soul (I killed her), always said, "The world needs ditch diggers, too." I never did fancy she meant commenters. Ones who make a stupid comment, then get themselves in deeper trouble by either constantly defending their stupidity, or being stupider. It's like watching a performance art piece, if "art" was defined as "displaying a lack of cognitive function and/or social decency." Follow me after the jump, and witness two doomed souls considerate enough to dig their own graves.

Executed: HamptonShmampton
Hole: Starting with a sexist comment that reveals your own insecurities about and hatred towards the lasses is bad enough. But man, you just went off the deep end trying to get yourself out of it. Here's a tip: Don't try to have sex anymore. It won't be that hard, just continue being you.

Executed: Incher_George
Hole: You read sixteen tons of drivel defending racist commenters, and what do you get? Another day older and deeply annoyed by the entire concept of blog commenting. That's the song I started to hum as I waited for you to just come out and say that you miss the 1850's. I'm letting you know this because humming people are obviously taking their time, and thus incapable of knee-jerk reactions. Although my "knee" would probably "jerk" until it cracked your "solar plexus" if any of this were real.

"That's it for the public executions this week," said Ketch, without further explanation.

A Memorial Day Message

Richard — Fri, 23 May 2008 12:50:00 EDT

Memorial Day. A holiday to honor those who selflessly (well, except for the ones who were drafted and/or not all that into the whole dying thing) gave their lives in battle. We do this through the grilling of meats, the quaffing of ale, and laying the foundation for malignant skin cancer. In my time, we had no Memorial Day, mostly because we were too busy trying to eke out a meager existence to give a shite about how many men the King lost in John Churchill's latest endeavor at cementing his legacy as the greatest military commander in Christendom. (It's not like he had to kill people AND write a post about it every Friday, but whatevs.) In October, we would commemorate our victory at Agincourt where we opened a cask of whoopass on the French, but that's not the same as this austere holiday now upon us. Regardless, in honor of this holiday of yours, no one shall be killed today.

Except for Moff, Conbon, and FiveInchTaint. Because really, have any of these guys ever made a germane comment?

Bitch about that for a while. I'm off to Brighton with some wenches.

Why Do You People Force Me To Hurt You?

Sheila — Thu, 22 May 2008 14:22:54 EDT

Hey, hey, hey! It's time for some people to calm the fuck down... Abbe Diaz. I don't care who you are or what you've published—this kind of ad hominem, personal commenting-attack won't be tolerated here, because it's unintelligent and immature. And also, because I said so. The monkeys may be running the zoo here—but luckily, I'm one of them. That's all.

Butchering The Butch-Haters

Richard — Fri, 16 May 2008 13:41:00 EDT

Last night, as I settled into my favorite chair, the one upholster'd with the skin of ill-temper'd puppies, I was content. Her Grace Sheila had taken care of some unpleasantness earlier, and I thought my work was done for the week. I was content to merely sharpen my axe and watch the uneven yet amusing season finale of The Office. But I was interrupted by the incessant vibrations of my Blackberry. (Lovely technologickal advances in 2008.) All these elecotronick letters pointed me to the same post. It seems that some of you just don't get it. Here at Gawker, we don't anonymously slander the physical appearance of others. If you continue to feel it necessary to mock those you find unattractive, you will no longer be welcome here. However, mocking the stupid things that people do is wholly encouraged. For instance, feel free to dance on the graves of the sodding twits listed after the jump.

Executed: Buzz Killington
Crime: It's fine to have a contrary opinion, but not this one.

Executed: Kenneth212
Crime: No, it's not.

Executed: The-Cubicle-Dweller
Crime: Geez, I would certainly not like to read any more of your unfunny tripe.

Executed: Priam
Crime: Yes it is.

Executed: Miss_Msry
Crime: Seriously though, it isn't.

As always, condemnations, bribes, pleas for mercy, and sexist homophobic screeds may be sent to GawkerExecutioner@gmail.com. Don't email Denton, Pareene, Richard, Sheila, Hamilton, Nick Douglas, Ryan or anyone else from the Court of Gawker. I'm not them, and they don't care.

Those Who Do Not Listen Will Be Executed

Sheila — Thu, 15 May 2008 10:05:01 EDT

Bet you thought I was too nice to do this, huh? Well, I warned you. I warned that all fat-mockers of the Lucian Freud painting would be executed. And unlike the clean-fingered technicians of war, sitting in their laboratoriess building weapons of mass destruction, I'm not afraid to get blood on my hands. Doolittle—yours was a minor infraction, to be sure. But everyone else was so well-behaved—and, you sorta asked for it! (P.S.: No, I'm not Ketch. I just feel like putting down some law and order.)

An Ugly Business

Richard — Fri, 09 May 2008 14:42:00 EDT

Here at the gay liberal art school grad white people headquarters, we are, to a man, (or woman if you care to whine about such things) flawlessly beautiful gay liberal art school grad white people. Most of the time, this is wonderful. What could be better than a salon of erudite and sexy conversants, even if some of them are zombified and utterly annoying exhibitionists? It is a shame, therefore, that some of you have to be witless fops and find your insults of the appearance of others to be contributions most valid.

While Gawker will probably never be the Socratic dialogue that my Lord Denton (and no one else) wishes for, we would all do better to not stoop to the level of a What Would Tyler Durden Do discussion. This week, as an example, all executions are from the same post and for the same reasons.

Say farewell to 4Cats, CopyOfBlueBoy, JorgeLuisGorgeous, Dusty In The Wind, and MattGaymon.

Any of the newly deceased may be granted resurrection if they submit a self portrait, which shall be posted on Gawker for ridicule, by me, of your various and no doubt many imperfections. Or, more likely, you can just email Ian Spiegelman, as he seems to be in the business of undoing all my work in an effort to keep his weekend sewing circle intact.

And one more bonus execution: "Jump the shark." It's dead now. Say it at your own peril. (Including such unfunny meta-commentary as "Jump the shark has jumped the shark.")

As always, condemnations, bribes, pleas for mercy, and ridicule-ready pictures of yourselves may be sent to GawkerExecutioner@gmail.com. Don't email Denton, Pareene, Richard, Sheila, Hamilton, Nick Douglas, Ryan or anyone else from the Court of Gawker. I'm not them, and they don't care.

Jack Ketch Proffers An Explanation

Richard — Fri, 02 May 2008 13:59:00 EDT

A few days yore, as I was sifting through ~~the excrement of Fleet ditch~~ the comments, an epiph'ny struck my pate. I, your faithful executioner, have fail'd you. I negleckted to explain the diff'rence betwixt a comment that pleases me, and a comment that makes me wonder if maybe I should give Buzz Bissinger a weapon and your home address. Prithee accept mine apology for such noisome oversight. After the jump, I shall present a full explanation for why you may be executed.

Because I feel like it.

And now, this week's condemned.

Executed: Hez
Because I feel like it.

Executed: Unfun
Because I feel like it.

Executed: McCheeburger
Because I feel like it.

Executed: Digitalsmoothie
Because I feel like it.

Executed: BinkysDream
Because he's a brummy twit. And because I feel like it.

You have all raised my choler. Be less annoying next week. As always, condemnations, bribes, and pleas for mercy may be sent to GawkerExecutioner@gmail.com. Don't email Denton, Pareene, Richard, Sheila, Hamilton, Nick Douglas, Ryan or anyone else from the Court of Gawker. I'm not them, and they don't care. I actually don't either, but whatever

Surprise Executions!

Richard — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 14:39:00 EDT

Farewell to Fred_Istare, anagram sam, Chief Wahoo, izzodee554, annasballs, Kelly Kreth, and SuperUnison. Your thoughts on the physical appearance of the crazy Dartmouth professor were HILARIOUS!! Prats.

The Faithful Departed Morons

Richard — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 13:26:00 EDT

This noble task, the killing of the sinful, is not as easy as one may suspect. It is with a heavy heart that I ply the tools of my trade: the axe, the noose, the adorable little "kill kill kill" button that you all have next to your names. Trust that I do not take such responsibility lightly. For instance, I thought about executing everyone who doesn't like Tina Fey. Yet then I realized that tolerance—even of the incredibly stupid—is a virtue. But I am virtuous only to a point. Therefore, the really incredibly stupid lie headless after the jump.

Executed: Kaemon
Crime: If you're going to be a moron, try to limit the typos. And don't be a moron.

Executed: SSteele
Crime: I'm sorry if you thought you were the authority on the relative attractiveness of celebrities. You aren't. Moron.

Executed: TooManyTomatoes
Crime: Knock knock. Who's There? Dead Moron. Dead Moron who? TooManyTomatoes!

Executed: Mike_Jahn
Crime: I thought of something to guarantee your future anonymity! No more commenting!

A short list today. Mayhaps the rule of law has returned? We shall see. As always, condemnations, bribes, and pleas for mercy may be sent to GawkerExecutioner@gmail.com. Don't email Denton, Pareene, Richard, Sheila, Hamilton, Nick Douglas, Ryan, that Carnevale guy, Spiegelman, NickGuidoDenton, Morrissey, LolCait or anyone else from the Court of Gawker. I'm not them, and they don't care.

Death for the Taxing

Richard — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 12:40:00 EDT

In my time, we had famous, celebrat'd men known as playwrights. Today, these savants are known as "baristas," or "homeless people." The most famous of all, Sir William Shakespeare, in an early draft of one of his most famous sonnets, wrote: "All the world's a stage, and it's time for some of you to get the fuck off." Appropriate, methinks. Past yonder jump hang this week's condemned.

Executed: Heather Fink
Crime: The French Pox hath infeckt'd her brain

Executed: Some Of My Best Friends Are People
Crime: General Arseholery

Executed: Kathleen Turner Overdrive
Crime: Strident, Unfunny Racism

Executed: Jaded NYer
Crime: A Thorough Missing of the Point

Executed: Bedroom Accountant
Crime: Illiterate Sexism

O, the gallows' thirst is slaked today! Which means some of you got a pass, for I ran out of nooses. So, as they say, assemble your excrement in an orderly manner. I'll be watching. As always, condemnations, bribes, and pleas for mercy may be sent to GawkerExecutioner@gmail.com. Don't email Denton, Pareene, Richard, Sheila, Hamilton, Douglas, Ryan, or anyone else from the Court of Gawker. I'm not them, and they don't care.

Meet Our Executioner

Richard — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 11:47:00 EDT

Some of you may have seen some recent comments by Jack Ketch, who speaks in olden tongue and scolds you for scurrilous commentary. Starting today, Mr. Ketch will be acting as our official executioner, much like the real Jack Ketch of old. As we laud five commenters every week in the Commies, he will dispatch five troublesome typers every Friday. Everyone has a reprieve this week, but be on your toes! Jack will be lurking in the comments, giving you warnings of possible doom. Then, next Friday, five heads will roll.

Execution: No Fatties

Richard — Thu, 27 Mar 2008 17:14:00 EDT

Hey surfbeavernsb! Calling some random stranger a "fatty" one time may be considered sort of funny (if it's in the right context of course! don't kill me!), but mocking some not actually fat woman something like nine times in one post is just stupid. So, ya clipped. I don't care if it was "ironic" or whatever. And if any commenter says what I suspect at least one commenter will say, they're outta here too. Update: Say goodbye to KikiRiki as well, for this.

Happy St. Patrick's Day! (Except to Seven of You)

Richard — Mon, 17 Mar 2008 09:28:13 EDT

Just as St. Patrick drove the snakes from Ireland, four thousand years ago today, we are expelling some commenters on this fine Irish morning. Some were nasty or offensive, others rather obtuse and pigheaded. Some were nominated by you, others sealed their own fate when they hit "submit comment." Others still remain, slithering their way around the site, but rest assured that we'll catch you. Now, where's our parade? Find the banished after the jump.

JakobLodwik, because we don't think he's real.
TheBigDoggy, because of this and this.
badgertale, because we are scared of Carrie's mother and other nuts.
IronSheik, because you asked for it, and we don't disagree.
Arundel, for failing to see the difference between gossip and fact.
mitchel_stevens, for failing to maintain perspective.
freeoverunders, because eww.

Commenter Executions: Help Us Decide

Richard — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 11:28:04 EDT

Commenter executions are fun, aren't they? We've got our eye on another few people who need to get the ax, for offenses ranging from sexism to plain old not being funny. So we'll definitely be doing some dirty work ourselves, but we'd also like to get you involved this time. Lately a lot of you have been complaining about "newbies" and whatnot, bemoaning the lowering of old standards that may or may not have ever existed. So, much like the commenter-awarded Party Pick each week, we'd like your choices for the commenters that need to go; the ones that really irk you, have offended you, or have never made you laugh. Leave your ideas below, and we'll follow up with a later post. Oh, and do make sure your reasoning is, you know, thought-out and as objective as possible. No personal attacks, please, or you might be executed yourself.

No Country For Old Commenters

Richard — Fri, 07 Mar 2008 10:10:39 EST

Hey it's been really easy of late. We let lots of commenters in recently, prematurely perhaps. It wasn't a mistake! (We rarely admit when we've made one of those.) But it's gotten a bit crowded around here. And because it's March, we've decided to do some spring cleaning. Goodbye to the following commenters. We come to bury you, not to praise you. Hopefully you can come back to us someday.

Diluting the Homophobosphere

Richard — Mon, 11 Feb 2008 14:05:33 EST

On Saturday we posted about gay Britney Spears supporter Chris Crocker, who in his latest video angrily laments about the "homophobosphere", i.e. gay bashing on the internet. And some of the comments! They got nasty! So nasty, in fact, that The Gay Recluse posted the most objectionable ones and wrote responses to them. Thing is, we don't really disagree with him. So, we're gonna go ahead and say goodbye to a few of you "more stupid than funny" commenters who wished disease and/or death upon this troubled young lad or made the same tired old tranny joke. See you next time: PartyVan, DiabetesExplosion, TheSuper'sSon, and AceInTheHole.