Gawker: executions

About Last Night

Richard Lawson — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 12:01:00 EST

Hey, thanks for coming. Have a seat. We need to talk about what happened last night. We're not mad, we're just concerned. OK, we're sort of mad. Mad enough to kill.

It's a beautiful snowy Friday so it's time for a couple of executions. That thread up there that we linked to? We don't know what the fuck was going on but it needs to be broken up. Fighting and conspiracy theories are no good for anyone. So unfortunately we're going to have to shut down a few of you:

Executed: Whoever this person is. Glitter Panda? Minsley Tortimer? We don't know.

Executed: Minsley Tortimer We think? Or is this an impostor? Again, we can't figure it out. So you're both dead. And so is that screenname. No more of it. You guys fought over it and now it's broken and now no one can have it.

Executed: Bring It On
The Crime: Rightly calling it lame for people to exhaustively fight over a commenter name, but then going on to comment some 13 more times about the thing that is so lame is probably lamer than the actual thing that was lame to begin with.

Executed: iplaudius
The Crime: Excessive use of blinky tag. Not allowed! Also, for making that same long, blinky comment four hundred times.

That's it! Let their corpses be a lesson to the rest of you.

Oh, and seriously. Any Minsley Tortimer we see again—whether they be real, fake, or some sad something in the middle—will be executed on sight. This ends today.

Some Of You Won't Have to Worry About Those Facebook Commenters Anyway

Richard Lawson — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 17:15:00 EST

You know what are always fun (well, mostly for us)? Commenter executions. Yeah, some of you nogoodniks have been running around with impunity for too long. So today eight of you are getting culled.

Executed: restoration_rake
The Offense: Missing the point.

Executed: Ben K.
The Offense: You don't know her life!

Executed: ElvisWorley
The Offense: Failing to see that something that probably isn't that offensive in real life can be offensive for the purpose of blogging about it.

Executed: Minsley Tortimer
The Offense: Too many conspiracy theories!

Executed: TroutSavant
The Offense: Also kinda missing the point.

Executed: American Dreamer
The Offense: Because you will not stay dead.

Executed: scarletmenace
The Offense: Wanting it both ways.

Executed: CodePink
The Offense: Being a teacher's pet.

Executions were decided by all Gawker editors and not just one person so don't yell at me just because I posted these. Also, if American Dreamer is any example, you will all be back on the site again in probably about an hour. So, you know, no hard feelings.

It's Hanging Day For Ten Of You

jack_ketch — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 15:42:00 EDT

Back in miserable ole England, I didn't work every week. London had 8 hanging days a year, spaced every 6 weeks or so. This is because the city of London had far fewer criminals than the Gawker readership. At Tyburn, where the hangings took place, heads and corpses were preserved and then put on display as advertisement that London was a city where law and order reigned supreme. I've asked Denton to install a vat of formaldehyde on the Gawker HQ rooftop, but there is not enough room amidst the beer pong tables and antiaircraft guns. Instead of embalmed cadavers, I have these posts. Do they work? Not really. If anything, as Gawker's readership has grown, more and more unworthies have managed to sneak in. Blame it on the Montauk Monster. So take this as a warning to stop being such sniping, off-topic, oversharing whiners. You're embarrassing yourselves. And now, as a result of our little discussion earlier, several of you are dead.

Executed:

International Lespionage

intothelight

To those remaining, remember the faithful departed. Then don't fucking act like them.

In Which You Tell Us Who to Execute

Richard Lawson — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 13:04:00 EDT

You may have noticed that our widely feared commenter executioner, Jack Ketch, has been absent for the past few weeks. We're not exactly sure what is going on with him—maybe he's overwhelmed by the position (there are so many of you now!)—but he'd like to come back and roll a few heads today. Because he's been absent for the past month or so, he needs your help. Who really irks you? Who is needlessly contrary and unhelpful? Who is hideously self-promoting? You can tell us in the comments below or, if you prefer the coward's way out (I'd totes take this option), you can send a private email right to Mr. Ketch! So have at it, and we'll kill some fools later on today.

Were You Not Listening the First Time?

Sheila — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 11:27:56 EDT

Hey! Remember a couple weeks ago, when I warned that anyone commenting "slow news day?" would be executed? (I'll handle the editorial direction of this website, thank you.) Well, not all of you were listening. That's unfortunate. Goodbye.

We Come To Bury Dreamer, Not To Praise Him

jack_ketch — Fri, 01 Aug 2008 13:08:00 EDT

Sometimes, when I have absolutely nothing else to think about, I worry about this business of commenter executions. I consider whether publicly recognizing the horribly witless may be construed as a tacit endorsement of jackassery. I fear that an attention-starved dullard or two may quite wrongly perceive these execution posts as a way to garner recognition. But, I always come to the conclusion that I am doing more harm than good. By highlighting the mistakes of a few, I (hopefully) provide a sort of how-to-stay-alive-guideline for the many wonderful and levelheaded commenters on Gawker. This is all a way of explaining, for the few of you who read the intro, why there is only one execution after the jump, but several examples of his or her chicanery. Think of it as a sort of Gawker auto de fé (Or, as my friend King Ferdinand II called it, a weenie roast.)

Executed: American Dreamer (duh)

Crimes: Repeated Probably False Self-Aggrandizement

Rank Abusiveness

Tactlessness

A disturbing obsession with this not funny joke

And many others too numerous to list here. Farewell, American Dreamer.

An Executioner's Work is Never Done

jack_ketch — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 15:46:00 EDT

Remember last week, when I expressed a belief that you were all doing much better? Well, this week, not so much. I've learned a valuable lesson: Don't count your chickens while the maniacs are throwing eggs at each other. Or, as a friend put it earlier in the week, "if some of them learned how to read it wouldn't be such a problem." I agree with this sentiment, and would add a request that those of you who cannot refrain from being boringly vicious at least be more funny. Oh well, on to the death and circuses.

Executed: Public Relations
Crime: This is like a Bill O'Reilly monologue as performed by a drunken Pollyanna. But worse.

Executed:DushkuFan3000
Crime: If only you could have torn yourself away from Dollhouse promo interviews long enough to email Richard, you might have been saved.

Executed: Dfkdave
Crime: Dfkdave is a whiny whiny dorkface. That is the proper spelling of dorkface. Happy?

Executed: Johnny_boy
Crime: Sigh. Also sigh.

Executed: JamieDemon
Crime: Richard killed Jamie earlier this week, but I'd just like to request that any would be NTJ-impersonators simply not bother. If anyone is just actually like this then you're sort of just basically screwed when it comes to Gawker commenting, everyone will assume you are playing a part. Sorry.

Have fun at the commenter meetup, nerds.

Au Revoir, New York Illiterately Mean

jack_ketch — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 14:33:00 EDT

Executions started with the goal that commenters would come to be respected. A part of me hoped that Gawker commenters could rise above the scene of thoughtless vitriol spewed by anonymous office drones and 12-year-olds, to not be mentioned in trend pieces that try to co-opt what it means to be mocked on the internet. Because these days, everyone hates anonymous bile, unless it's funny. I hoped to force the Gawker commenters into the former category. And it seems to be working. Maybe too well.

Everyone is so friendly now. I feel lost at this point. I don't know how I can continue to execute people regularly if everyone continues the lovefest. I suppose it's possible to participate in it, and be a murderous jackanape, without actually becoming hypocritical. But this tiny concentration of liveblog chat rooms has become a juggernaut that subtly controls everything that happens in the comments section.

The experience has left me to grapple with learning how to cull the truly objectionable from a much smaller sample pool. In truth, I'm happy my job is becoming harder, but also glad that those below were still stupid enough for this week to have some bloodshed.

Executed: Mister Lincoln
Crime: Well, duh.

Executed: Hubert Cumberdale
Crime: A lot of stuff that I don't want to slog through, so let's just say this one.

Executed: sidemouse
Crime: Please—no more comments regarding the editorial direction of the site. Thank you.

Whining can be directed to gawkerexecutioner@gmail.com. I'll be here. Not in Paris.

The Art of Drowning

jack_ketch — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 14:00:00 EDT

Every so often, usually on Fridays, I see someone post a comment along the lines of, "This is execution bait," or "Ketch hasn't filled his quota yet," or "I am allowed to behave like a feckless prat in the comments because the subject matter of this post is sensitive." I don't really have a problem with the first two sample quotes, but I think that they lead to the third. In a way, I am thankful. Anyone addled enough to believe that their racist/sexist/stupidest thoughts are welcome simply because the subject matter of a post deals with someone else's racist/sexist/stupidest thoughts is clearly not long for this commenting world. However, I worry that some of the soon-to-be-deceased see the suggestion of "baiting" as their invitation to be annoying. And that is, well, really annoying. To clarify: no one is asking you to be offensive, ever. Anyways, on to the bloodshed!

Executed: KillBuzzington
Crime: I keep forgetting to kill you, so thanks for this racist and unsubstantive reminder!

Executed: Verwoerdon
Crime: If you could show me a poll in which every single black person in America unanimously agrees that they would still vote for Barack Obama were he to axe-murder someone on national television, I will be happy to reinstate you. Wait, no I won't, because look at how you chose to end your salient insight.

Executed: EllisD
Crime: TMZ roolz, right! (EllisD has been dead for a few days, but this is a notably dumb comment. It assumes that a) Open Caption has any kind of newsworthy component; b) John Mayer walking on the street is news; and c) TMZ is good for anything but trend pieces explaining why the internet is the nadir of civilization.)

Have a non-stupid weekend, free of imaginary bait.

Of Death and Catapults

jack_ketch — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 14:19:00 EDT

Do you like the new site design? The black? I think it's lovely. Reminiscent of DEATH. This is step 1 in my plan to turn Gawker into Jack Ketch's Blog of Commenter Executions and Pictures of Medieval Siege Weaponry. It's a new direction for the site, but think of the pageview counts when Gawker is the number 1 result for "Trebuchet" Google searches! None of this is true, really. I actually have no power. Which should be obvious, as most of my victims just return a few days later and continue the schtick they died for in the first place. It's a hard life, but a just one. After the jump, you shall find a few more victims to mourn until they return in 5 hours.

Executed: censoredout
Crime: This isn't obvious by now?

Executed: MICKEYBLUEFRIES
Crime: How about now? Also, D-I-C-T-I-O-N-A-R-I-E-S. You're welcome.

Executed: YourGoldKeith
Crime: Yawning

Executed: IHateNewYork
Crime: OMG A TROLL! KILLLLL IT!!!!

Executed: AndSheSaid
Crime: Well it was obvious, but you did it anyway. That's almost worse.

Executed:Hez
Crime: Bloodthirsty nervous breakdowns are unbecoming of a lady

That was exhausting. I might not have energy enough for the brothels tonight*.

*This is patently untrue.

Wednesday Morning Execution

Pareene — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 09:32:46 EDT

shilohcool: Misuse of quotation marks, misuse and misspelling of "esoterica."

The Beginning of Summer, The End of Some of You

jack_ketch — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 14:56:00 EDT

This weekend marks the official beginning of summer. People will be celebrating in various ways. Some of you have been celebrating this summer's eve in a, heh, literal manner, meaning you've been unnecessarily rude or crude or just plain dead wrong—we're trying to raise the level of discourse here—this week, you'll meet your warm, sunny doom after the jump.

Executed: TribalPottery
Crime: No, douche

Executed: Ezekiel Gessen
Crime: We get it, douche

Executed: BaburamsAtari
Crime: Commie douche

Executed: lellogram
Crime: Existing.

Have a lovely summer's eve. Especially the recently departed. Now you can do something besides be douches on the internet.

Bad Luck For Some of You

Sheila — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 17:00:55 EDT

From our official Commenter Executioner, Jack Ketch: See the title? Get it? Because it's Friday the 13th and now you are dead! I was going to start this post with a history of Friday the 13th, why it's considered unlucky, and what a typical English Friday the 13th consisted of in my time. But then I realized I don't know anything about this day, and have been living here in the future for so long that I'm basically a lazy, ignorant, and slovenly American by this point. I can't even be bothered to write my posts in old timey English. I'll probably have to execute myself soon. So, it's Friday the 13th, which is bad if bad things happen to you today. Look both ways before crossing the street, don't stand near out of order elevator shafts, and make sure to wear your hat really low if you go wilding. They have cameras everywhere now. Fucking cameras. Let us jump, and please be careful not to slip, to the fun part.

Executed: Fishman
Crime: WARNING UNFUNNY INSANE SEXISTS: NO ONE LIKES YOU

Executed: Lothario
Crime: Cuntishness

Executed: In Other News...
Crime:

JACK KETCH: Hello, In Other News...

IN OTHER NEWS...: Oh my! Um, hello. I didn't notice you there. I was just writing another excessively long dialogue exchange for Gawker.

JK: I don't think that will be necessary.

ION: Why not?

JK: Because you're dead.

ION: I am? I don't feel dead. I feel...pretty.

JK: and witty? You aren't.

ION: Some people seem to like my really really long and kind of repetitive one note joke dialogue comments.

JK: That's nice. I find them bothersome. Want to write one act plays? Get a blog.

ION: I have one! It's&mdash

JK: I don't care. You're dead.

ION: Wait! Is this like one of those joke executions where I get to come back in two hours?

JK: I should fucking hope not.

Fin
(Thank God)

Please direct all whining to gawkerexecutioner@gmail.com. Or whatever Conbon's email address is.

Mid-week heat wave commenter executions

Pareene — Wed, 11 Jun 2008 11:37:44 EDT

Whatnottowear for not getting a "joke" so old and obvious that we're embarrassed every time we make it, which is like daily. And Durannie, not for the sexism so much as for the telegram-like use of broken English. Nothing personal! Just been one of those weeks.

Yes You Can Die on the Weekend

ian spiegelman — Sat, 07 Jun 2008 18:28:48 EDT

Well, so, I got a little tiny bit pissed off earlier today. And while I was sinking into bleakly brooding, instead of swimming and frolicking, I pondered what on earth I could do about it. Almost everyone here is totally cool and funny, and we all appreciate that. But for those of you who seriously just cannot chill, I've come up with a new, special death for you. I call it, Weekend Death.

How does it work? Simple. The weekday Gawkers spend a lot more time here than I do, so I don't want to mess with their business. But I do want the weekends to be sweet and happy and not to send me or anyone else (aside from the subjects of certain items) into a burning hot misery spin. So, if you are truly rude, thoughtless, or mean-hearted toward me or your fellow commenters, you get Weekend Death. That is, I kill you and, on Monday, if I think of it, I'll revive you. But, wait! There's more!

I will kill you every single Friday night all over again. You will become some kind of half-living ghoul, furtively sniffing around during the week, afraid to comment lest you're still dead. And when you do comment, it will issue in a hurried, manic torrent because as soon as the weekly roundup is posted and I take over—gak!—you're dead again!

Also? Weekend Death awards you no funeral. No post where friends and enemies comment on your demise. I simply unplug you. And I don't tell you, and I don't tell anyone. You simply disappear from our little weekend community one day, without a sound, without a whimper... sucked up into the terrible, terrible black sky-void of eternal space...

Because you really would have to be a serious shit to get yourself banned from the weekends. You'd have to be demented in some kind of totally unentertaining and buzz-killing way. You'd have to try really hard. You'd have to almost want it.

Sorry I Was Away... Bad Mood

ian spiegelman — Sat, 07 Jun 2008 16:34:34 EDT

Hey there. Mind if I overshare for sec? Okay, so this morning I thought I'd slip out for a little siesta because it's 700 degrees in New York, but as soon as I reached my siesta spot, I fell into a deep, black pit of brooding and could hardly drag myself back. No, I was not drinking. Here's the problem. After all this time and so many executions some commenters still don't fucking get it. I know, I know, I'm supposed to ignore the stupids and the mean-freaks but the fact is it's just me for two days straight, only 12 to 15 items per day and every fucked-up, wrongheaded comment feels tremendously amplified. So for the very few of you who still don't understand that we have rules here, I am going to ask you to at least observe the following.

Before you accuse me of getting something wrong, please make sure that I got it wrong.
Before you accuse me of "stealing" some item, please notice that there's a link to the source right at the end of the fucking post.
If you're a former Gawker editor who thinks it's a hot idea to come here on the weekend and tell me how to flip burgers, ask yourself, "Am I Elizabeth or Choire?" If the answer is no—beat it, prick.
Before you comment that some wrong-ass previous commenter "makes a good point" please make sure that he/she actually did.
In general, notice that everyone around you is having fun and saying fun things. If you can't manage to do something as decent as have fun and say fun things, no one wants you here. Thank you.

Sorry to get ranty. But what's the point of staying home working on a glorious beach day when little freaks are going to come around and spread negative all over the place? I dunno. I guess I'll post some more stuff. Maybe. I can't say I really feel like it.

The Guns Fell Silent. Mostly.

Richard Lawson — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 15:28:00 EDT

Hello commenters. Our Jack Ketch is away on a vacation of sorts this week, so he was not able to supply us with a list of the damned. I guess we'll just have to improvise. People were on mostly good behavior this week, save for a few rapscallions who made uncalled for attacks on our sister site Jezebel. They've had their knuckles rapped and have atoned, so we'll let them live to see another day. But we know how you love a public execution, so we've scraped together a couple of sorry souls who will perish for your amusement, after the jump.

Executed: steemy_mcdreemy for failing to see the beauty in peculiar things.

Executed: TheTypeset for criticizing in a needlessly personal way.

Holy Hell, The Holes You Dig Are Wholly Stultifying

jack_ketch — Fri, 30 May 2008 14:03:00 EDT

As Mother Ketch, god rest her soul (I killed her), always said, "The world needs ditch diggers, too." I never did fancy she meant commenters. Ones who make a stupid comment, then get themselves in deeper trouble by either constantly defending their stupidity, or being stupider. It's like watching a performance art piece, if "art" was defined as "displaying a lack of cognitive function and/or social decency." Follow me after the jump, and witness two doomed souls considerate enough to dig their own graves.

Executed: HamptonShmampton
Hole: Starting with a sexist comment that reveals your own insecurities about and hatred towards the lasses is bad enough. But man, you just went off the deep end trying to get yourself out of it. Here's a tip: Don't try to have sex anymore. It won't be that hard, just continue being you.

Executed: Incher_George
Hole: You read sixteen tons of drivel defending racist commenters, and what do you get? Another day older and deeply annoyed by the entire concept of blog commenting. That's the song I started to hum as I waited for you to just come out and say that you miss the 1850's. I'm letting you know this because humming people are obviously taking their time, and thus incapable of knee-jerk reactions. Although my "knee" would probably "jerk" until it cracked your "solar plexus" if any of this were real.

"That's it for the public executions this week," said Ketch, without further explanation.

A Memorial Day Message

jack_ketch — Fri, 23 May 2008 12:50:00 EDT

Memorial Day. A holiday to honor those who selflessly (well, except for the ones who were drafted and/or not all that into the whole dying thing) gave their lives in battle. We do this through the grilling of meats, the quaffing of ale, and laying the foundation for malignant skin cancer. In my time, we had no Memorial Day, mostly because we were too busy trying to eke out a meager existence to give a shite about how many men the King lost in John Churchill's latest endeavor at cementing his legacy as the greatest military commander in Christendom. (It's not like he had to kill people AND write a post about it every Friday, but whatevs.) In October, we would commemorate our victory at Agincourt where we opened a cask of whoopass on the French, but that's not the same as this austere holiday now upon us. Regardless, in honor of this holiday of yours, no one shall be killed today.

Except for Moff, Conbon, and FiveInchTaint. Because really, have any of these guys ever made a germane comment?

Bitch about that for a while. I'm off to Brighton with some wenches.

Why Do You People Force Me To Hurt You?

Sheila — Thu, 22 May 2008 14:22:54 EDT

Hey, hey, hey! It's time for some people to calm the fuck down... Abbe Diaz. I don't care who you are or what you've published—this kind of ad hominem, personal commenting-attack won't be tolerated here, because it's unintelligent and immature. And also, because I said so. The monkeys may be running the zoo here—but luckily, I'm one of them. That's all.