Important scientists have long been spraying perfume and cologne on rocks and trees at zoos to interest big cats. In their time they've discovered that Calvin Klein's Obsession for Men gets the creatures the most interested. No one knows why.

The Way We Live Now: Bowling alone. Bowling for Columbine (we are sad lunatic gun nuts). Bowling for dollaz! We're bankrupt, but we put the bowling on our debit card. Visa will understand. Visa: master of hobobowling.

Wikipedia was probably pretty cool a few years back when you could just get a wild hair and immediately post up an article on The Artifacts, or whatever. But now it's run by a dead-ender Debbie Downer "deletionist" nerd army.

Brigham Young researchers have found that clean, fresh smells make people act "fairer and more generous." Makes sense—New York City is essentially a noxious, rat-infested garbage barge full of venal, corrupt hustlers. Fuck you, Utah. [Science Daily]

America hasn't lost any weight in the past year, despite really meaning to, this time. Twenty-three states have actually gotten fatter. The obese-est state is Mississippi; the least obese is Colorado. Next year, skiing instead of mud pie, America. [Reuters]

A former Apollo astronaut says that aliens have visited Earth! He's just a well-known lone nut, you say? Well what about this NEW PLANET they found right next door, hmmm?

DID YOU KNOW: Mary Rambin ate her very first grapefruit on April 10, 2009?

Bill O'Reilly's in the midst of his big media tour to remind the world he's the number one hollering cable show guy in the history of television! But is he?