A job-hunting tipster found the Popcorn job description (above) posted on LinkedIn. The bits about the "60+ hour workweek," "wild pace" and needing to "thrive on stress" were sufficient to drive this person away in terror.

Popcorn doesn't appear to have updated the job description in years; she mentions "a four-year-old Chinese girl" even though her own Chinese daughter — Georgica Sawn Pond Rose Petal Qi Xin, for reals — should be 11 by now and have long since settled on a primary "Gifted and Talented school."

Then again, maybe Popcorn doesn't need to adapt her corporate materials as the years go by. As she no doubt appreciates, today's job market bears a closer resemblance to the futurist's recessionary heyday of nearly two decades ago than to any economic period of recent memory.

1. RECLAIM: Reframing our power relationship with Companies. Driven by Icon Toppling — A new socioquake transforms mainstream America and the world as the pillars of society are questioned and rejected.
Look for: The death of the Consumer, long live the Citizen.

You will die, in other words.

2. RETRENCH: Hunkering down and praying for survival. Driven by Cocooning: Retreating to home to protect oneself from the harsh, unpredictable realities of the outside world.
We'll see that: Cuddles Trump Coupons.

This also means that you will die. The last two are "Reset" and "Reinvent" and have equally inexplicable descriptions, but the alliteration makes them true. Read all about it! Now here is your mandatory honorary Faith Popcorn salvia appreciation video of the day:

Companies are bringing back their old classic jingles to remind you of a happier time, before mortgage payments and credit card debt and your whore wife sleeping with the fella who came to repair your A/C. "I am stuck on Band-Aid brand cause Band-Aid's stuck on me!" "I don't want to grow up, I'm a Toys 'R' Us kid." Poignant. Even IKEA is encouraging happy homes:

"We felt the emphasis of home was about the value of being home than what was inside the house," says an Ikea spokeswoman.

That's just because your furniture depreciates at an alarming rate, IKEA! If only there was a go-to quote machine to explain this marketing phenomenon with a vague, unverifiable platitude:

Faith Popcorn, chief executive of marketing firm BrainReserve, says "people are looking for warm, cozy places to curl up in" in the current economic climate. "We are in a period of shock right now, and we are looking for respite and revival and restoration."

Faith Popcorn's favorite place to curl up: in front of a computer, with a fat sack of salvia.

[Faith Popcorn]:We are going to be doing a lot of traveling on the Internet. Get me out of here — wheeee. And we’re going to be taking drugs with that travel.

WWD: Drugs, what do you mean?

F.P.: Facilitated travel. Like salvia, which is an herb. There are going to be induced or supported [Internet] trips. So we’re going to learn a lot from the Seventies.

Ha, yes. And here is exclusive video of Faith Popcorn at work:

[WWD]

Earlier: Faith Popcorn Pins One On

"The small pin worn by Faith in the lower-center of her headshot was actually a company-wide dress-code policy, as detailed in the 'dress-code' section of the employee handbook." GET THE FUCK OUT. Really? "Were you ever in a meeting with Ms. Popcorn or a client and not wearing your pin, heaven help you. The pin in question is a planet; a crude half-circle with a ring around it, filled with cut-glass sparkly bits—referencing the cover-art of her first book (look it up on Amazon if you are ever feeling bad about your life). Evidently this dated back to the days when BrainReserve was an entirely female company, but was never updated when men were hired." NUH UH. But you know what is the best part? "I once forgot to take the pin off when I left the building for the night, and on my way to the subway, a day-laborer called me a faggot in Spanish." Boy, someone else is going to have to be a really bad boss to trump that.

Earlier: New York's Worst Bosses: Faith Popcorn
[Image via]

In the early 90s, Faith Popcorn was called the "Nostradamus of marketing" by Fortune and published a bestseller, The Popcorn Report, which she would follow with several more books about trends, business, and the future of pop culture. She was widely perceived as a pretty happening lady! She tried to brand Baltimore even! She adopted a Chinese baby before it was cool! She collected Cowboy and Indian paraphernalia! ("It's all so sweet and normal," she told the Times). But like a lot of things that were popular in the 90s, Popcorn's seen her star dim a bit of late.

Well, it's not all sweetness and normalcy over at her firm, BrainReserve. Far from it, according to one tipster, who accuses nice Ms. Popcorn of trying to "rip employee's heads off and shit down their throats." Harsh! (Also: entirely metaphorical!) "Her employees have taken to referring to her firm as the Titanic," says the source, who says she's a micromanager who spends too much time "ordering around her entourage of personal assistants, servants and sycophants that are leeching away the firm's profits." (Well, that's pretty much every executive, but still.) And BrainReserve still has big clients! Their website lists American Express, Avon... Milk-Bone....

But there must be a silver lining, right? Some kind of reason that people still work there? ""Where's Faith?" we sometimes ask. 'In her office, losing her touch,' comes the inevitable reply." S/he also says that HR bristles when prospective candidates ask about the"culture" of the place."

Of course, that's just one guy's opinion! And we're open and eager to hearing more about the legendary Ms. Popcorn, both pro and con. (First in fairness!) But brace yourselves, babies. That's just the tip of the bad-boss iceberg.

Earlier: Who Are The Worst Bosses In New York?