Every year there are a bunch of people who all decide to take something topical as inspiration for a "witty" outfit. We have a good idea what they'll be this year, and you should check yourself before you scare everyone. So, to avoid the great Borat outbreak of 2006 or the Dark Knight/Joker takeover of 2008, here are some pop cultural outfits that you definitely want to leave in the costume shop if you don't want to run into several dozen other yahoos wearing the exact same getup.

Sarah Palin
Why Not: It was a bad idea last year. It's even worse this year. Besides, while everyone who doesn't race snow machines is still trying to forget her, you'll just be helping her sell books.
Safe Alternative: Levi Johnston
What You Need to Make It: This is a boy's only costume. All you'll need is a nude body stocking (or a pair of briefs if you're bold) and attach a vintage copy of Playgirl to the crotch. Bonus points for carrying a baby and/or a bag of pistachio nuts. If you have a friend who will dress up as Tank Jones, your look is made.

Max from Where the Wild Things Are
Why Not: This would have been cute a year ago, but now that the movie's out, everyone's going to try to replicate it. You can do better than that.
Safe Alternative: H.R. Puffinstuff
What You Need to Make It: You're going to need a whole lot of paper machine, fabric, paint, and time to do this other retro children's hero up right, but it will be a huge hit.

Summer of Death Celebrities
Why Not: No, it's not too soon, it's just not very creative. So yes, that means no Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, Patrick Swayze, Ed McMahon, Billy Mays, or any of the others we've lost recently. It's not edgy, just lazy.
Safe Alternative: Elizabeth Taylor or Kirk Douglas. They're not dead yet, but they could be any day. Go as the next dead celebrity.
What You Need to Make It: For Dame Liz, a wheelchair, a crazy hat, and some White Diamonds perfume. For Kirk, a cleft chin, a tuxedo, and disappointment in your son, Michael.

Zombie/Vampire
Why Not: Because every movie, TV show and book these days is about one or the other. Every teenage girl and boy is going to be rocking this, so you'll look like you're trying too hard to be down with the youngs.
Safe Alternative: A banshee. They are so the monster of 2010.
What You Need to Make It: Long hair (a wig will do), a long white gown preferably tattered, and a loud shouting voice.

Balloon Boy
Why Not: This is going to be popular because it will be easy to rig together and everyone will think it's funny and current. It's neither. And let's hope that in 11 days this story is officially over.
Safe Alternative: The old man from Up.
What You Need to Make It: Square glasses, grey hair, a sweater vest. Attach a bunch of baloons and a cardboard cutout of a house to your back and it's up, up, and away.

Don Draper from Mad Men
Why Not: Just because you put on a suit, a pocket square, and slicked down hair, you are not Don Draper. Everyone will know that you came up with this at 2pm on October 31 and probably never even watched the show. It is also not an excuse to drink and smoke a lot. Just do that on your own.
Safe Alternative: British Guy from Mad Men. You know, the one who got his foot run over with a lawn mower.
What You Need to Make It: An antique John Deere, a bloody stump, and several blood-sprayed onlookers with a shocked look on their faces. It's disgusting and creative. Perfect for Halloween!

[Image via Getty]

• Because we don't see enough of her, Lindsay Lohan's reportedly shopping a reality show. Said a source, "Her manager is helping Lohan with a potential reality show that will encapsulate her trials and tribulations as she gets back on her feet and actually becomes a working actress again." [Mirror]
  
  
• Redmond O'Neal, son of Ryan O'Neal and Farrah Fawcett, wants to star in a reality show. That is, after he gets out of a detention center, where he's trying to kick his raging drug problem. [NYDN]
  
  
• Chris Brown's post-Rihanna beating rehabilitation will include a year of domestic violence counseling at Virginia's Commonwealth Catholic Charities. If anyone can set him straight, its the nuns. [AP]
  
  
• Michael Jackson's family intended on burying him over the weekend, but have now decided to do the deed on a Thursday. And that decision will triple their costs, bringing the grand total to something around $150,000. [TMZ]
  
  
• Some insane fans of Robert Pattinson, the hunky Twilight star, put his face on a shower curtain. Now they can say, "I shower with Robert Pattison" and almost be telling the truth. [3am]
  
  
• Anne Heche railed against the institution of marriage on The Late Show. She's crazy, but we like her. [YouTube]
  
  
• Her rep insists it's hog wash, but an "insider" insists that actress Minka Kelly and baseball playing man Derek Jeter are engaged. [Page Six]
  
  
• Avril Lavigne and her husband Deryck Whibley are headed down the road to divorce, say sources. She apparently wanted time alone, but spent her time hanging out with "male admirers." [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Deformed music producer Scott Storch was kicked out of his Miami home when a bank took it back last week. Now he's living in Fort Lauderdale's W hotel. [Page Six]
  
  
• Jason Mewes, the actor better known as Jay from Kevin Smith's movies, attended the Degrassi Goes to Hollywood premire and revealed that he wants to touch Seth Rogan. [Zack Taylor]
  
  
• Dumb model Paulina Porizkova doesn't want people to think she's a dumb model, so she took to the web to name some of her favorite literary works. And they're all over 500 pages! [Page Six]
  
  
• Paul McCartney, we know you're a legend and all, but do we really need to see you getting fresh with your girlfriend at a baseball game. Really? [Daily Mail]

• A new Vanity Fair article on Farrah Fawcett excerpted on their website details how Ryan O'Neal unwittingly hit on his daughter Tatum at Farrah funeral. It's just all kinds of creepy and downright gross. [Vanity Fair and New York Post]
  
  
• Sad old Billy Joel is supposedly distraught over losing his wife to some young European swordsman and is doing everything he can to get her back. [Page Six]
  
  
• Jude Law thought that the actress/model he recently knocked up was on the pill. Ha! What an idiot. Jude, you always wrap up and pull out, especially if you're Jude Freaking Law! Did the thought never enter your head that perhaps someone, especially an aspiring actress, might lie to you in order to have your child? [Mirror]
  
  
• You have to admire Shaquille O'Neal's diligence in booking challenges against other prominent athletes for his new reality show thing. Too bad David Beckham is such a wanker. [Page Six]
  
  
• Mischa Barton must be really heavily medicated these days because she's just smiling all over the place. [Sun]
  
  
• Are you sitting down? Are you sure? Are you really sitting down? Ass firmly planted in a seat, right? Ok, now here's something that will shock you—Jude Law sleeps with a lot of women. [Page Six]
  
  
• Here are a bunch of pics of Jessica Alba wearing a bikini in the wet surf. Go ahead, you know you want to. [Sun]
  
  
• Kate Moss' vegan boyfriend Jamie Hince flipped out over her wearing a rabbit fur coat or something. [Mirror]
  
  
• Liza Minnelli is not scheduled to appear on Ugly Betty. We repeat, Liza Minnelli is not scheduled to appear on Ugly Betty. [Page Six]

• Bradley Cooper, who cruelly and publicly stuck Jennifer Aniston in the friend zone recently, is probably boning Renee Zellweger right this minute because they were spotted eating together at an Upper East Side restaurant, where they were allegedly really into each other. Zellweger was overheard repeating the line "you're so funny" all night long. [Daily News]
  
  
• Kevin Jonas, the oldest of those little Jonas freaks, is engaged, so we guess he can shed that chastity ring and stop being a big, fat, stupid virgin soon. [Daily News]
  
  
• Diane Keaton was rushed to the hospital after—Are you ready for this?—injuring herself in a sumo wrestling match! [Sun]
  
  
• Hayden Panetierre is appearing totally nude in the movie I Love You Beth Cooper. She says that she's got the goods so she might as well she them off. We agree! [Daily News]
  
  
• David and Victoria Beckham have now been married for a decade. The Daily Mirror has compiled a list of the Beckham's tips for making a celebrity marriage work. [Mirror]
  
  
• Tinsley Mortimer has fully dumped Topper and has moved on to boning some German aristocrat dude who works for Uma Thurman's boyfriend named Casimir Wittgenstein-Sayn. Yawn. [Page Six]
  
  
• Mischa Barton was kicked out of "the toilets" at a London club after she tried to sneak a girlfriend into a stall with her. A spy notes that Mischa looks as though she was having a "really good time." [Daily Mail]
  
  
• In case you haven't already heard, Michael Jackson's will was examined by a court yesterday and he named Diana Ross as the "legal guardian" of his children. His ex-wife, Debbie Rowe, got nothing. [Mirror]
  
  
• A friend of Farrah Fawcett read a farewell letter written by Farrah to her son Redmond and her longtime love Ryan O'Neal that allegedly had everyone bawling. [Daily Mail]

OK!
"Tragic Death." The mag chose a cover image that some are calling "ghoulish" and a "disgrace," especially since Michael Jackson may already be dead in the photo. Some advertisers may be pissed and there's talk of a boycott. Inside you'll find a standard collage of old and new Michael Jackson photographs. Also inside: Kristen Stewart has dumped her boyfriend Michael Angarano, according to a source, which means she COULD date Robert Pattinson, but she doesn't want to rush into another relationship. YAWN. One spread in the "news" section is called "The Many Faces Of Johnny Depp" and is just pictures of characters he has played. News? Really?
Grade: F (pulled away by rip tide)

Life & Style
"Who Killed Michael." The headline inside is "Drugs, Anorexia and Missing Millions," and you'll find a typical sensationalist story: the family thinks drugs were being used to manipulate Michael; there might have been millions stolen from him; he kept saying that he owed people money and people would kill him if he didn't do the London concerts. On and on, bullshit. Moving on: Bradley Cooper and Gerard Butler are "competing" for Jennifer Aniston. During a late night shoot on Bounty Hunter, Jen was getting really "chatty" with Gerard, and a source says "Gerard was getting really close to her on the escalator." Um, it's an escalator. How far apart can two people be? Also, Gerard is "just like" Brad Pitt because they "wear similar hats," "they love their bikes," they've got great bodies," and they both wear aviator sunglasses. In a story about how Kate Gosselin might raise her kids alone, there's a sidebar on Jon Gosselin, in which the magazine spells his name with an H (we circled it in yellow for you) and prints the headline, "John Trades The Kids For Booze, Money And Women." (Fig. 1). Kendra Wilkinson had "wedding dress drama" when days before the ceremony, she discovered that her dress didn't fit! Her boobs were too big, because she is three months pregnant, "I had to get my whole dress redone," she explains. Britney Spears would like her agent/boyfriend Jason Trawick to move in with her at the end of her tour. Jacqueline of RHONJ clears up what Caroline was accusing Danielle of doing to Dina in the reunion special, saying: "Danielle was trying to harm Dina by giving her ex-husband a phone number that might give him leverage in the custody of their daughter Lexi." Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel might be "taking a break" since they have not been photographed together since May 31 and a source says, "I think they might be over." Robert Pattinson's aunt speaks to the magazine and says: "I don't think it would be a good idea for Robert to be in a serious relationship with Kristen. How can he live his life with a fellow star with their every move being watched, just like Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes?"
Grade: D- (jellyfish sting)

Star
"52 Best & Worst Beach Bodies!"
Some of the "best" include 15-year-old Ali Lohan, perennial fave Kim Kardashian, and Julia Roberts. Worsts? Kate Gosselin, Stephanie Seymour and Helena Christensen — the latter two have cellulite. Moving on: According to this magazine, Janet Jackson should get the kids because Katherine Jackson is too old and "it's what Michael would have wanted." Although the cover says "Janet Fights For Michael's Kids," it appears to be a lie — there is no information ANYWHERE indicating that Janet has gotten involved or wants the kids. Next: Justin Ross Lee, "an up and coming Facebook celebrity," sat next to Ashley Olsen on an airplane, took pictures of her sleeping and apparently sold the story to Star. It's a Star "exclusive." Disney Star Selena Gomez has a mole on her chest and if the 16-year-old star tries on a dress with a neckline low enough that the beauty mark can be seen, her mom nixes it. Says the mom: "I'm on constant mole patrol." James Haven — brother of Angelina Jolie — has a license plate which reads "Shilloh," because that was his nickname as a kid. Angie named her daughter after him, in a way. Lindsay Lohan went to get a manicure and had no cash on her, and no credit cards; she let another customer pay the bill for her. Blind item! "Which funnylady is a fan of those funny-smelling cigarettes? Tongues were wagging when she showed up half-baked at an industry dinner in L.A. on June 19th." In an interview with Robert Pattinson's exes, we learn that he was "amazing" in bed and that his first girlfriend now works in a slaughterhouse in New Zealand. Kevin, the ex-husband of RHONJ's Danielle Staub, claims that Danielle brought up "the book" to producers before the show. After she made the plea deal so she wouldn't go to prison, she started receiving anonymous threatening phone calls — possibly from the drug dealers she'd ratted out — and was talking about maybe going into the witness protection program.
Grade: D (mangled and tumbled by six foot waves)

In Touch
"Gone Too Soon."
To accompany this classic, retro cover straight out of 1984, there are two long stories about Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett, PLUS A PULL-OUT POSTER with Michael on one side and Farrah on the other. Margaret is totally hanging it in her locker. (Fig. 2a, 2b) Also inside: Lindsay Lohan wears $2,165 ripped jeans. (Fig. 3). Madonna and Mercy look cute together! (Fig. 4). Did Stephanie Pratt have a nose job (Fig. 5)? Is Britney "unraveling" again? Recently she went shopping and changed her outfit in every store. Then, in London, she "tearfully shut herself into a closet" and "her assistant had to coax her out by promising to buy her tacos." Kate Gosselin is "flabby" now that the divorce is getting to her. Or wearing a different cut of bathing suit? Bradley Cooper is "going to break Jen's heart" because the night before their date, we was out with Lake Bell and "had his hands all over her legs." Check out Style Network star Ruby's "first fashion shoot" ever, on page 85 (Fig. 6). Lastly, a spider monkey named Coco announces that she likes bananas, grapes and swings, and is the 4th of the Girls Next Door (Fig.7).
Grade: C (sunburn)

Us
"His Final Days."
Margaret says this is the best Michael Jackson story she has read all week. Instead of the recapped/CNN stuff the other magazines are printing. The mag talks to Michael's former bodyguard, who says that MJ was often over-medicated and "I would have to literally lift him up and carry him back to the car or back to his room." Michael had a fall-out with his former best friend, illusionist Uri Geller, because Geller tried to tell him he was taking too many painkillers and anti-depressants — Michael couldn't accept someone confronting him, because he's used to getting his way. A family source says that Michael's usual schedule was to sleep until late in the afternoon and stay up all night, but when he started rehearsals for the tour, it "totally screwed up his system." He started using stimulants in order to get up early for the rehearsals. There's another story in the mag about Michael's "Life As A Dad" with tons of previously unseen pictures of his kids. Plus, there's deep insight as to what the kids' lives were like. Sources say the kids were very intelligent and fairly normal. Michael would get down on his knees on the floor and change Blanket's diaper. Michael made a big deal out of Christmas, because growing up as a Jehovah's Witness, he wasn't allowed to celebrate. But a photographer says that his wacky behavior did affect the kids: He was paranoid that someone was trying to poison the kids, and at hotels, there would be a long list of stuff they couldn't eat. When they stayed in fancy hotels, Michael would go in and baby-proof everything — like go in and put cardboard and tape on all sharp edges of the furniture. The kids were home-schooled in a classroom at Neverland that had blackboards, textbooks and desks, and the children had to wear matching uniforms to school. They had instructors, but Michael also handled some of the lessons: He taught them African-American history, music and art. There's also information on the biological father of the kids, dermatologist Arnold Klein. Plus: Did you know that Katherine Jackson and Joe Jackson don't live together? She lives in L.A. and he lives in Vegas. Also inside: Kanye West has been interning at the GAP's offices in NYC. "He works all the time, and one Friday night recently, he stayed until 12 am. He's learning the fashion business from the inside and trying to do it quietly." Jennifer Garner hates Ben Affleck's ex, Gwyneth Paltrow! She's annoyed that Gwyneth sends her kids to Violet's school… but only for a few weeks a year, which "messes up the dynamics of the class." Lastly, there are six pages of "official photos" from Kendra Wilkinson's wedding — she was bumped off the cover by the death of MJ. Margaret found the wedding, which took place at the Playboy Mansion, to be a "shockingly classy affair." Holly Madison and Bridget Marquardt were among the bridesmaids, and Hef and his three new girlfriends were in attendance. Hef danced with Kendra to "As Time Goes By." Fatherly!
Grade: B- (sand in crotch of swimsuit)

Fig. 1

Fig. 2a

Fig. 2b

Fig. 3

Fig. 4

Fig. 5

Fig. 6

Fig. 7

• Lindsay Lohan, America's favorite walking Petri dish of human social disease, has been celebrating her birthday for weeks now it seems, but this weekend is finally the official birthday party, and she's being paid $70,000 to host a party for herself at the MGM Grand in Vegas. [Page Six]
  
  
• Meghan McCain's sure to be shitty book isn't even out yet but she's already laying it down that she wants Hillary Duff to play her in the movie Hollywood makes out of the book because she's "really hot." Oh, and she wants Bradley Cooper to be in it to because he's "so hot." Meghan McCain is Paris Hilton. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Farrah Fawcett was laid to rest yesterday. Her former Charlie's Angels co-stars turned out and her son Redmond was released from jail for the funeral. [Sun]
  
  
• The photographer who took the photos of Michael Jackson on stage during his last rehearsal says that Michael felt reborn and energized to be on stage again and performed for an hour and a half without a glitch. [Mirror]
  
  
• Creepy old lizard Larry King refuses to fly on commercial planes. Instead he gets around by private jet, which is probably a good thing, because who'd want to sit next to Larry King on a cross-country flight? [Page Six]
  
  
• Courtney Love's doctors have diagnosed her with having malnutrition and basically told her that she needs to get some meat and potatoes in her or she's going to die. [Mirror]
  
  
• Fox is really desperate to hold on to Simon Cowell for the next season of American Idol. So much so that they're offering him $144 million bucks, 4 times the $36 million he made last season, to stick around. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Former New York Times head honcho Howell Raines is spending his days fishing in the creek like an old country hick. [Page Six]
  
  
• Some British billionaire's wife had to be carried out of Guy Ritchie's pub after she partied the night away with young buck Justin Timberlake. Jessica Biel was not reported to be around. [Daily Mail]

• There's a John Edwards/Rielle Hunter sex tape out there, says a former Edwards aide, Andrew Young, in a book proposal that is "impossible to put down." He also makes a few interesting claims that, you know, could be substantial to Edwards' career if they turn out to be true: John Edwards is the father of Young's baby with Hunter, contrary to a statement Young made last year, because his loyalty to Edwards ran deep (?!). Young essentially took the fall for Hunter's baby. Other stuff: John Edwards was waiting for Elizabeth Edwards to die so he and Hunter could get married. Elizabeth Edwards believes Young stole the baseball card collection of Wade Edwards. It kind of gets crazier and crazier. The book got picked up by St. Martin's. [R&M]
  
  
• Jon Gosselin played Frisbee with his kids and then drove around on an ATV together. In other words: fun! Jon Gosselin is finally having fun with his kids! Maybe for the first time, ever. This should be headline news, but it shouldn't be, because now that the show is on hiatus, I guess paparazzi should just leave their house? What's it like to have to be a Jon and Kate paparazzi, though? Really: think about the guy who gets that assignment. "Aw, what the fuck? I have to go to Pennsylvania again?!" It'd be especially bad if you hated kids. That is all. [Just Jared]
  
  
• Elliot Spitzer was at lunch talking to LMDC executive director Avi Schick about Mark Sanford, and he was all like, "Yea, gangster, wassup. At least I didn't tell none those hoes that I lubbed 'em. You know?!" Also, he bragged about not using taxpayer money to pay for his kicks. Comparatively, he's got a point. Other than that, it doesn't really mean shit. In other news, VH1 is putting the development of "The Disgraced Governor's Guide to Crazy Hot Tail" into overdrive. [Page Six]
  
  
• Kevin Bacon and his brother hiked up a mountain to play a tribute concert for Farrah Fawcett while raising money to fight cancer. Honestly, what can't Kevin Bacon do? I think he's now, like, four degrees from sainthood. Still six from Malcolm Jamal-Warner, but, you know, what can you do. [NYDN]
  
  
• Jay-Z and Beyonce partied at a Roots show at the Highline Ballroom, where The Roots have a residency. This isn't surprising, because almost everybody in New York has gone or will go to see The Roots play at the Highline Ballroom, now. It's like taking the subway. [R&M]
  
  
• Michael Musto's going to be playing chaplain to gay couples getting married tonight. [Page Six]
  
  
• Here's another cheap item implying Lindsey Lohan does blow. In other news, I need coffee and a cigarette, the sun is kind of yellow, and your mom wants you to give her a call. Seriously, like, slow news day, Showbiz Spy? [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Katie Couric doesn't want her picture taken. By wide decree of the land, and so it was. [Page Six]
  
  
• Cindy Adams makes a joke about South Carolina: "The state beverage is milk." That being said, Cindy Adams beverage of choice must be an arsenic spritzer, because the rest of the column is indiscernable nonsense (but fun crazy old lady indiscernible nonsense!). [Page Six]
  
  
• Megan Fox must stop licking her lips at once! [WWTDD]

Presenting your Saturday morning gossip roundup.

• Farrah Fawcett's son with Ryan O'Neal, Redmond O'Neal, will be able to attend his mother's funeral. He's been serving time since April 5th for a violation of his previous probation by possessing heroin. He'll be allowed to be in a suit, but will have to remain in hand and leg cuffs. He was in prison when he found out about his mother's death; they had previously let him out to visit her on May 15th. Can we have a collective "Really?" please?
  
  
• Walter Cronkite is sick, and he's not recuperating, says his family. I somehow don't think they're trying to work their way into the news cycle on this one. [E!]
  
  
• Universal execs definitely cut the La Toya Jackson scene from Bruno at screenings that have popped up since Michael Jackson's death. The scene is Bruno, trying to steal Michael Jackson's phone number from La Toya's BlackBerry. I'm sure it was actually pretty funny at one point, and I'm sure Universal execs are just counting down the days until it's funny, again. [Page Six]
  
  
• Kendra Wilkinson, former playmate/Hugh Hefner chew toy, is nervous about her wedding. A joke about "a joke about the difficulty in having to read one's own vows" would go here if I could think of anything else, but I can't, so: we hear the tender nerves she's sporting comes from an apprehension about reading her own vows. Better? [People]
  
  
• Johnny Depp still doesn't watch his own movies. "Once my job is done on the film, it's really none of my business." Letterman's audience yuks it up, but Depp is being totally sincere. It's kind of Twilight Zone-ish. I got this clip from HuffPo, but I'd rather just link you to the YouTube page, m'kay? [YouTube]
  
  
• The Real Housewives Of New Jersey are coming back for a second season after supposedly holding up the renewal over their paychecks. I don't know if this is what you'd call "burying the lede" or not, but either way, whether its in this toxic wasteland of a gossip roundup or the toxic wasteland across the Hudson, something, somewhere has certainly been buried. Possibly the body of a guy named Little Ricky Sluttyfingers. Or possibly our dignity as a species. [NYDN]
  
  
• Speaking of your favorite Bravolebrities and people who are making America scarier now that we no longer have Dick Cheney in power to do that for us, the Millionaire Matchmaker, Patty "Please Be A" Stanger can't pay her publicist bills. Her new publicist was like, yeah, no, it's not a problem, but I know that whenever I didn't pay the bills on my Columbia House account, I just went straight to BMG, which, I think, is what she did, except she didn't get 18 free CDs plus one for a penny and I did. Related: one of the songs off of one of those CDs was this one. Moneygrubbers everywhere, of all genders, are sad. [Page Six]
  
  
• Faith Hill and Tim McGraw went to go see the Titanic exhibit and waited in line with their kids like everyone else. They didn't want to take photos, but they were very nice to people. And somehow, this is news. Meanwhile, flower-bearing British children everywhere still live in fear of being blasted by the smoldering disdain of Amerikkan celebrities. [Page Six]
  
  
• And even more Bravo bullshit! When will it end? (Answer: never.) Kelly Bensimon took OK on a tour of her closet, which has lots of pictures of herself in it. She also gave them this prime quote about her jewelry line, which, really, is easily the stupidest appropriation of Native American culture I've ever read, anywhere: "I took Pocahontas out of the kayak because she was bored, and I put her in the disco so she could have a little fun." A single tear just fell down my face. [NYDN]
  
  
• Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Anniston are just friends, you goddamn frogs, says Bradley Cooper, says Bradley Cooper at a French press conference. No, he doesn't actually say that, but he did say "we're just friends" in French, which is neat. Celebrities: they can make you feel insecure about speaking more languages than you, too! [People]
  
  
• Hayden Panettiere won't rule out doing nudity on film, and I won't rule out ever seeing anything she's ever been in, yet. Eh? No, I know: I kind of already have. [E!]
  
  
• You wanna talk about burying the lede? Here we go: Coolio pleaded guilty to coke possession. Also, I just got enraged over the spell-checker on this computer questioning the word "Coolio." YES IT IS SPELLED CORRECTLY IDIOT COMPUTER. Anyway, he'll be taking a fantastic voyage through an 18-month drug rehabilitation program, after which he can finally roll with his homies, again. [Reuters]

And perhaps the close: "Not all of her performances will stand the test of time, but what is worth remembering is how hard Farrah Fawcett tried."

There's that word again—"Tried."

Apparently some people interpreted that as an insult and lost sight of the rest of the piece, because overall we thought that the piece was, well, "fair and balanced." One thing to keep in mind, something apparently lost on those who wrote in to take issue, was that this was not Farrah Fawcett's New York Times obituary. Her obit is here. This was an analysis of her career, or as the Times puts it, "An Appraisal," and was therefore meant to be open to criticism.

But for the most part, Stanley's analysis on Fawcett's life and career leaned positive. Whether or not the Times should have waited a day to run anything containing criticism of a recently-deceased star (What's the protocol on this?) is open to debate, but at that point it's lost some of its newsworthiness. Regardless, read Stanley's piece and make your own judgment.

A Sex Symbol Who Wanted to be More [New York Times]

We admire their response time, though question the public-appearance-coaching abilities of professionals who send out cringeworthy mass emails that about how to talk to people.

Just ugh, Levine. Just ugh.

The NYDN's own story says:

Fawcett - who waged a three-year battle against anal cancer - died shortly before 9:30 a.m. in a Santa Monica, Calif., hospital, said her spokesman, Paul Bloch.

That would be about 12:30, NYC time. So when did the Daily News break the story?

First they said they broke it at noon!


The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.Then they updated it to 12:13, still before she died.


The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.Finally they updated it to 12:39, about the earliest it could have possibly been up.

You have to be quick, on the internet. Too quick.

After appearing in commercials and as a guest star on various television shows, Farrah rose to fame after posing in a red bathing suit for a poster that went on to sell millions of copies. Later, as a star of the popular Charlie's Angels, she became a bona fide American star. Fawcett went on to star in many theatrical productions and TV movies, most notably playing a battered wife in The Burning Bed, a role which earned her the first of three Emmy nominations she received. In 1995, at the age of 50, Fawcett made headlines when she posed nude for a pictorial in Playboy magazine.

Fawcett was married to actor Lee Majors from 1973-1982. Since 1982, she's been in a relationship with actor Ryan O'Neal. Together they had a son, Redmond. Fawcett and O'Neal were set to marry, though we've no word on whether they were able to go through with the ceremony before she passed.

In 1997 Fawcett made a bizarre appearance on David Letterman's show to promote another Playboy spread that she'd done, an appearance she later claimed was an act intended to engage the audience. Act or not, it will likely remain one of the most memorable moments of her time in the public eye.

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.

Vid via YouTube

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.

Charlie's Angels opening credits

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.

Fawcett in one of her more dramatic roles, the unfortunate Extremities

• Farrah Fawcett, rumored again to be on her deathbed, and Ryan O'Neal are finally getting married after all those long, tumultuous years together as a Hollywood couple. And surely this will be filmed and turned into a primetime television special. [Sun]
  
  
• Fox News anchor Kimberly Guilfoyle, the ex-wife of San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsome, and furniture designer Eric Villency are ending their brief marriage. [Page Six]
  
  
• Horrible lad-mag FHM has named Megan Fox the sexiest woman to ever live in the history of the universe, or something like that. [Sun]
  
  
• It's rumored that Paul Giamatti may replace Sean Penn in the upcoming Three Stooges flick after Penn decided to take an extended period of time off to spend time with his family. [EOnline]
  
  
• Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon go to the gym together wearing matching outfits from head to toe. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Matthew McConaughey has announced that he has knocked up girlfriend Camila Alves with their second child. Further, he did so shirtless while running on the beach with a bandana on his head. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Have you seen how Drew Barrymore and Justin Long dress up to attend baseball games? Good God this is obnoxious! [DListed]
  
  
• Paris Hilton has taken her act to Dubai and has discovered the joys of riding camels. She's there to try on some clothes or attend a nightclub opening or something important like that. [PITNB]
  
  
• When Justin Timberlake flies to Paris, he does so with a large bodyguard carrying an automatic weapon to scare off any potential autograph seekers. [TMZ]
  
  
• Miley Cyrus took a "provocative" picture with her 44 year-old director and posted it to her Twitter. [Sun]

Tentatively titled, "Saving Amy," the project was announced on Winehouse's Myspace page:

Amy and her family will be the subject of a new documentary later this year from respected Israeli-American interviewer Daphne Barak whose subjects over the years have included celebrities, royalty, world leaders, and international personalities. The journalist spent time with Amy and her family recently on St. Lucia and in true honest to goodness Amy style the doc will be a truthful and revealing look at her complicated life.

My initial reaction to having read this was the following—-"Who are these people?" I mean really, where does one find such a family, a clan who, while one of its members' lives is in the midst of a years-long spiraling out of control session, comes together and all says, "Hey...let's film all of this!" Seriously, where do families like the Winehouses come from? Are they pod people sent here from another galaxy to slowly destroy us? I've known some fucked up families in my day, hell we all do, but I can't wrap my brain around this for the life of me. What are they hoping to achieve by showing the world the day to day struggles of a family member with horrendous addiction issues?

Over the weekend I was having drinks with a friend when the subject of the Farrah Fawcett cancer documentary that aired last Friday on NBC came up in conversation. I mentioned how initially I'd planned to watch it, but in the end decided not to, mainly because of all that I'd read about how seemingly everyone in her life was squabbling over the film—-Fighting over credits, money, airtime, etc.—-Having knowledge of all of this only served to make an already heartbreaking situation all the more heartbreaking, and I just couldn't bring myself to watch it.

I mentioned my belief that the whole Farrah dying of cancer thing was sort of a unique moment in the history of American pop culture, that her's will go do as arguably the most documented celebrity death to date. I mentioned my admiration for Farrah, a former pinup model and sex symbol, for having the courage to allow herself to be filmed during the final stages of human decay. It was then that my friend said something (Are you paying attention Maureen Dowd?) that really stuck with me, like I can't seem to get it out of my head, and it was this:

"Don't feel sorry for Farrah Fawcett...she's just another celebrity desperate for attention and this whole thing is just a way to get people talking about her again, now and long after she's gone. Same for all the people in her life...they see the gravy train about to run off the cliff and they're just trying to loot it for all its worth before it crashes."

Now, initially, I was sort of shocked at the extreme level of cynicism inherent in a comment like that, it struck me to the point of almost rendering me speechless, and I kind of refused to believe it, but as more and more time passed and I couldn't seem to get that thought out of my head, I found myself thinking that maybe there was some truth in what my friend had said.

And then I came across this Winehouse story and it really served to reinforce what my friend said over the weekend and also helped to accelerate my ever so slow conversion to her horribly cynical way of thinking. This situation reminded me so much of Farrah Fawcett's—-You really do almost get the feeling that her family and friends see the end coming and they want to get what they can out of her while they still can. I mean, if you love Amy Winehouse and really want to save her, then get to work fucking saving her! I can't imagine that there's any way having a documentary film crew around is going to enhance those efforts. Of course, this all could be a terribly misguided theory and their intentions may be for the best (What the fuck that is is anyone's guess!), but it sure just seems so plain wrong, not to mention sad beyond words.

If this sort of thing is that goes into being a celebrity in the modern world, why the fuck would anyone aspire to it? Complete anonymity and the human relationship pureness that it tends to bring sure seems to be such a more attractive life option, doesn't it?

Amy Winehouse Documentary is a Go, Life Complete [New York Post]
Amy Documentary On Its Way [Amy Winehouse's Myspace]

• So back whenever Jennifer Aniston was still a peasant she was working as a waitress and she broke up with some guy she was dating and he was totally heartbroken so he brought his mom to the restaurant and got down on one knee and begged her to take him back and Jennifer told him to go eat a bag of dicks. [US Weekly]
  
  
• Magical twatwaffle Criss Angel allegedly stole some guy's cat in Vegas and now the law is getting involved. [Page Six]
  
  
• US Weekly's "body language expert" says that Kate Gosselin is probably boning her bodyguard, something like eighteen times a day. It's just crazy! [US Weekly]
  
  
• Why the hell would an accused south Florida madam allow herself to be seen hanging around with the likes of Paris Hilton and Mickey Rourke? Beats me! [The Juice]
  
  
• Ryan O'Neal says he wishes Farrah will just go to sleep and not wake up. [Daily News]
  
  
• The crazy lady who allegedly set John Ratzenberger's car on fire speaks! [Radar]
  
  
• Bruce Jenner's new face looks exactly like his old face...fucking creepy! [Dlisted]
  
  
• Oh wait, maybe Lindsay Lohan's house was broken into after all! [E Online]
  
  
• Gerard Butler faces six months in jail for beating up a paparazzi guy. [Dlisted]
  
  

ProPublica is an independent, non-profit newsroom that produces investigative journalism in the public interest. Our work focuses exclusively on truly important stories, stories with "moral force." We do this by producing journalism that shines a light on exploitation of the weak by the strong and on the failures of those with power to vindicate the trust placed in them.

Heh.

[ProPublica. OKAY it's also about patients' right to privacy and the reporter wrote some of it while he was on staff at the LAT. Don't ruin the joke.]

• Meghan McCain got into a spat with security at the White House Correspondents' Dinner because they wouldn't let her friend in without a ticket. And oh, she didn't really care for Wanda Sykes or the temperature in the room or the golden stable where they forced her to keep her pony during the event. (Daily News)
  
  
• Luke Russert was hired by NBC to blog and Twitter and be a "youth correspondent" and whatever and now he's just acting like a bratty 23 year-old who has no business having the job he has. Go figure! (Page Six)
  
  
• After 15 years, Jimmy Fallon finally has a college diploma. (Perez)
  
  
• Lily Allen's potty mouth has led to her being banned by the BBC. (UK Mirror)
  
  
• A woman has filed a restraining order to prevent Ryan O'Neal from begging her for phone sex while his wife, Farrah Fawcett, is dying. (Sun)
  
  
• Joan Rivers is unwavering in her belief that Annie Duke is a Nazi. (E Online)
  
  
• Alexandra von Furstenberg has been dating a much younger guy named...wait for it...Dax! (Page Six)

Jackson, 49, who had managed just fine at UCLA Medical Center for 32 years without feeding confidential files to the press, will now do hard time and pay a fine of up to $250,000 for doing exactly that back in 2006. She resigned her position last year before UCLA could fire her, but not before details of Fawcett's cancer diagnosis and treatment could show up in the Enquirer's hallowed pages and a subsequent investigation revealed more than 1,000 breaches of hospital confidentiality since 2003. Another employee, Huping Zhou, was indicted last month for illegally accessing 71 celebs' records, which he kept to himself rather than broker them to the tabloids. Selfish, selfish, selfish!

Meanwhile, Jackson will be sentenced in May, the medical documents are now secure, and the Enquirer's pillars of rectitude appear to have deflected a spray of legal bullets from the feds:

U.S. attorney's spokesman Thom Mrozek said that no charges have been filed against the Enquirer or any other publications, but that the role of the media is part of the investigation into the privacy breaches.

"Certainly there is possible culpability at media outlets if we can determine that they were knowingly paying for the illegal access of celebrity files," Mrozek said.

"Knowingly paying for the illegal access of celebrity files"? Never! A stolen Farrah Fawcett biopsy is worth at least $7,500 in this market.

• Former UCLA hospital worker admits selling records [AP]

This installment's sightings include Kim Kardashian, Kiefer Sutherland, Pierce Brosnan, Farrah Fawcett, Marilyn Manson, Ari Emanuel, Marcia Cross, Isla Fisher, Jon Hamm, Larry Flynt, Chris Robinson, Peter Graves, Shenae Grimes, Dustin Milligan, Lisa Rinna, Bill Walton, William Baldwin, Chynna Phillips, Linda Evans, Gunnar Nelson (!) and more.

THURSDAY, SEPT. 4

· Walking through the hallways of a building deep in the heart of Toluca Lake is FARRAH FAWCETT. Farrah raised her head to look me in the eye with a a look that said, "Yes I am Farrah Fawcett and don't talk to me." Farrah had heavy duty perfume situation going on that wafted in the hallway well after she left the building. Christie Brinkley is about the same age as her but Farrah looks like she has been through the ringer and had a rough, rough, hard-drinking, hard-partying, heavy-tanning life. Use sunscreen kids. Use sunscreen.

· Tuesday night's Bob Dylan concert at the Santa Monica Civic was ripe with celebrities, and I do mean ripe. NBA legend and Laker dad BILL WALTON couldn't get a reserved seat, he actually got tossed out of his first one that he just bogarted and was forced to stand against the wall, until someone recognized him and gave him a different reserved seat. Fellow Irishmen COLM MEANEY and PIERCE BROSNAN were spotted separately briefly. Anything but standing room only for TV's and former funnyman RICHARD LEWIS. And finally, one of the NELSON BROTHERS, most likely GUNNAR.

· I don't know if this counts, but I was having lunch at Porta Via and I spotted SWEET P (Project Runway, season 4) and a friend (boy? husband?). She walked by my table and was stunned when I called her name and that someone recognized her. She is sweet in person. I then had to explain Project Runway to my visiting co-worker from London. He remains confused.

SATURDAY, SEPT. 6

· Air Canada flight 744 from LAX to Toronto ... A very laid back and un-made-up MARILYN MANSON (or "Mr. Warner" to the attendants) and Endeavor's ARI EMANUEL (in gym shorts and crocs) in business class, film festival-bound.

SUNDAY, SEPT. 7

· Sunday afternoon, Silverlake - walked straight past KIEFER SUTHERLAND and a blonde woman in the Vons supermarket parking lot on Sunset / Hollywood / Virgil / Hillhurst / Sunset Drive. He was carrying the shopping bags (like a gentleman), no doubt stocking up on Haagen-Dazs to watch Britney's big comeback at the VMAs that night. More importantly, what is up with that K-hole of a junction?

· ISLA FISHER and baby OLIVE were at the Grove on Sunday between 3:30 and 4:30. Isla was wearing an orange, off the shoulder, embroidered hippie-ish cotton dress (the type popular at Anthropology last year), and little Olive was wearing a mini version of the same thing in white. Her hair was in a loose braid. I saw her first walking through Anthropology (she was disappointed her hippie dresses went out of style) and then later walking into Nordstrom. I was not stalking her; she was stalking me. I am worried Isla does not has any friends in LA— what celebrity goes shopping by herself (babies don't count), at The Grove, on a Sunday? Don't judge me for being at the Grove; sometimes you just wind up there. I'm hopeful she'll have a new posse following her around after her new movie comes out. Either way, she has Sacha Baron Cohen.

MONDAY, SEPT. 8

· I was walking my dog when I noticed Topanga from Boy Meets World (DANIELLE FISHEL) at Callender's Grill on Wilshire. She was sitting outside on the patio and in deep discussion with an older woman I didn't recognize. She had on really heavy eyeliner!

TUESDAY, SEPT. 9

· Oh poor LARRY FLYNT the Porn King. Saw him at the Four Seasons in Beverly Hills. Sweaty, quite icky looking and dazed. That's all I've got to say about that.

· St. Louis to LAX Tuesday morning, JON HAMM was in first class. We talked to him at baggage claim, and he was ridiculously nice. The man is also really ridiculously good looking. I can't believe Sterling Cooper allows its employees to fly the friendly skies with American Airlines.

WEDNESDAY, SEPT. 10

· Montecito, the lush, obscenely wealthly Santa Barbara enclave is a great little getaway, especially if you go off season as to avoid the onslaught of Hollywood- from Oprah to Cameron Diaz. (I just shuddered.) Ordering a late breakfast at Xanadu when I saw that 2 feet away, WILLIAM BALDWIN and wife CHYNNA PHILLIPS are at a table waiting for their grub. Did not even recognize her. She looked beat- a skeletor-long raggedy hair, in a floor length white totally weird Hare Krishna getup.

Not until Billy opened his sexy mouth to call her back inside to eat did I inwardly sigh upon hearing that famous Baldwin voice. Oh that dulcet, mellifluous voice! He looks good. My husband said "Has he done anything since Backdraft? ... Chynna was screeching into her cell; so obnoxious, looking for attention of which she got none, and finally for those of us eating outside, she succumbed to that Baldwin Brother siren-call and went back to her table. Yes sir, that is one good looking guy with a voice that makes my knees buckle. Yum Yum Yummy. Not the omelet, the Baldwin.

THURSDAY, SEPT. 11

· One for the ages, PETER GRAVES, looking great for 82, in business class on my flight today from JFK to LAX. Like a dork, I smiled and said “Hi” as I trudged back to coach with the masses. I saw him doing a morning show yesterday (they all blend), some sort of “reunion” with Robert Hayes et. al, and there he was, on my airplane, on September 11th, making me feel better about flying.

· MARCIA CROSS, one of TV's Desperate Housewives is sitting with me in AA ECONOMY from STL to LAX right now! How continental.

SUNDAY, SEPT. 14

· Saw that guy who plays Ethan (DUSTIN MILLIGAN) and that girl who plays Silver (JESSICA STROUP) on the new version of 90210 having lunch together at Mani's on Fairfax. In this case, lunch meaning that he was eating while she watched.

· The place: The Rose Bowl Flea Market. I'd always heard that lots of celebs frequented this, but in almost two years of faithful attendance, I'd never actually seen one. ... But today, I saw CHRIS ROBINSON of the Black Crowes (and ex-Kate Hudson husband), who appeared to be accompanied by a very comely lass. And that's the difference between a rock star and me (an accountant): Chris Robinson gets willowy, hot chicks, and i get girls who look like Chris Robinson. Conclusion: I have taken a severely wrong career path and am in the wrong profession. That is all.

MONDAY, SEPT. 15

· Saw the new Brenda (SHENAE GRIMES) and Naomi (ANNALYNNE MCCORD, who incidentally makes me ache for Tori's acting chops) last night at the Belmont. New Brenda is as shockingly adorable in person as on TV but was completely sans trademark smile and actually appeared pouty and pissed at times. She and the even-less-beautiful-in-person Naomi (the new Emily Valentine?), who has overgelled 90's hair and is clearly skinnier than her own body type would prefer, were feverishly chain smoking. They were also HARDcore flirting with their waiter, the only guy there more interested in them than the cowboys and eagles. Between packs of cigarettes the girls were, yep, drinking. I'll save you the trouble of looking it up: New Brenda's only 18. Oooooo! I hope new Jim and Aunt Becky don't find out, new 90210 is boring enough without old 90210's lesson-learned moralizing.

TUESDAY, SEPT. 16

· So about an hour ago, 3:15 or so Wednesday afternoon, I'm going for a run along Beverly Blvd. I'm just E of Fairfax on the S side of the street when there's a pretty bad car wreck right in front of me. A westbound car turned left into the CBS gate, and a small car was gunning it eastbound in the lane closest to the sidewalk and didn't see them.

So the security guard goes to one car, I tell another car to call 911. No one is critically hurt, but we help the guy who's bleeding pretty bad onto the sidewalk. I go out into the street to stand there and let people know they have to get over cuz one of the mangled cars is sitting in the middle of the intersection.

After 5-10 minutes, I see a tow truck and a fire truck coming our way from around Fairfax, but traffic is now pretty jacked so it's slow. The tow truck is all set to come down the emergency lane when this giant black tinted Escalade looking thing cuts in front of it to pass the stalled traffic. Keep in mind the tow truck has flashers on. As the Escalade gets closer, I'm waving my hands to tell it to get over, but it won't. Then I notice the chick driving is on her cell, holding it up to her ear. I walk up to her car now, hit the passenger side door and say "get over - there's a tow truck and a fire truck behind you - there's been a bad accident."

At this point, she rolls down the window to reveal her KIM KARDASHIAN self [...] who tells me "Don't you touch my car." I thought, "Are you fucking kidding me?! there's a guy on the sidewalk with his head bleeding." I then screamed at her "Are you fucking kidding me?! There's a guy on the sidewalk with his head bleeding!!" to which she responds "I know, but don't touch my car." She finally merges into the other lane and jams it through the yellow light to make the intersection.

She said "I know?" I KNOW that I'm holding up rescue in my tinted-ass Escalade looking thing and on my cell, but the only thing I care about is not to hit my car.

I hate humanity.

WEDNESDAY, SEPT. 17

· Saw LINDA EVANS at the Intercontinental bar last night. Fortunately she left before I had my third martini — otherwise I would've hummed the Dynasty theme to her.

TODAY

· LISA RINNA working out at Fitness Factory with her trainer. Her face looked like the clay pot in the movie Ghost after Patrick Swayze fucked it up.