Do you enjoy the exquisite thrill of the hunt? Do you crave the visceral experience of—using nothing more than your wits and a weapon—stalking the most dangerous game of all: cow?

In a bid to cut labor costs, Wendy’s plans to make “self-service ordering kiosks” available to all of its franchises this year. The process of robots taking our jobs has begun. Where is our universal basic income?

McDonald’s will soon be rolling out a new, “cleaner” version of its Chicken McNuggets. Ronald McDonald, please don’t monkey with the Dimethylpolysiloxane!

As American fast food breakfast innovation reaches new heights, Taco Bell’s new $1 breakfast menu manifests our nation’s deepest desire: “people really wanted bacon and they wanted it in breakfast items that cost $1.”

Chipotle is closed this afternoon because the company gave a bunch of people E. coli and now must make a grand public showing of how serious they are about not poisoning us. As part of this savvy public relations gambit, the company announced today that we’re all entitled to a free burrito. In return, Chipotle only…

Once again, Chipotle is just plain-out refusing to take down its signature diarrhea-inducing burrito—a menu item that is as unpleasant as it is unpopular.

As you are no doubt aware, Southern butter wholesaler Waffle House just served its one billionth waffle.

This week, Dunkin’ Donuts opened its very first store in Iceland. “‘I love the variety they offer,’ said Steinar Gunnarsson, a student, who visited the restaurant soon after it opened. ‘They offer more than just a couple of brands of donuts usually found in Icelandic bakeries.’” Pathetic.

Kentucky Fried Chicken might as well be called Kentucky Fried Breading, because that is clearly the only reason to eat there. But the chicken, bland though it may be, is more important than it seems, because breading on a rat just tastes “nasty.” That’s according to a man who says he accidentally tried it.

New York governor Andrew Cuomo, generally a corrupt and gutless politician, today vowed to take concrete steps to dramatically increase wages for fast food workers, a nice change of pace from his usual corrupt gutlessness.

Congressional staffers yesterday enjoyed 6,000 free tacos courtesy of Taco Bell franchise owners who are lobbying Congress to “help prevent their workers from organizing a union or qualifying for employer-based healthcare.” Enjoy that horse meat, motherfuckers.

Today, low-wage workers in 200 cities across the world—fast food workers, Walmart employees, adjunct professors, and more—are walking off their jobs and staging protests to demand better pay and working conditions. Is there a strike near you? Probably. Leave dispatches in the comment section below.

This Wednesday will bring a nationwide wave of strikes and protests by low-wage workers and their supporters, calling for higher pay. For some context on why, consider this: you, the taxpayer, are already subsidizing these workers to the tune of billions of dollars.

After years of protests by its low-paid employees, McDonald's said today it "will pay at least $1 per hour more than the local legal minimum wage for employees at the roughly 1,500 restaurants it owns"—which does not include the 90% of McD's that are franchisee-owned. Still, it's something.