The first thing you will notice is that this McDonald's looks less like somewhere you wake up after a three-day bender and more like a weird Hot Topic that also serves chicken nuggets. Writes the AP:

The eatery is outfitted with outlets for plugging in laptops, upholstered vinyl chairs instead of Fiberglas seats bolted to the floor, subdued lighting and employees whose all-black uniforms suggest a hip boutique.

Over here, past walls decorated with "what looks like zebra design but is actually French architect Phillippe Avanzi's magnified thumbprint," we have a woman who is easily impressed:

"It's like a lounge," said Kimberly Burgess, one of many patrons who did a double-take after entering the newly renovated restaurant in Manhattan's Chelsea section. "It's so different from all the other McDonald's. It's beautiful."

We're guessing most of those other double-taking patrons weren't thinking "It's beautiful" but "The fuck happened to this McDonald's?"

Now, if you walk past these "reproductions of Danish designer Arne Jacobsen's chairs," you will notice some unhealthy-looking businessmen on their laptops. This is because, as McDonald's spokeswoman Danya Proud told the AP:

"People are using our restaurants differently today than they did five, 10, 20 years ago. People are multi-tasking, doing more on a given day. ... You want to be able to open your laptop, log on and get some work done while you're eating."

Expect more emails from your boss like this: "John, those invoices need to be on my desk when I get back. -Bob ***SENT FROM MCDONALD'S***"

Yes, the new Chelsea McDonald's is basically the Versailles of fast food restaurants. And McDonald's is spending more than $1 billion to renovate its other restaurants so we can all eat in such splendor. But watch out, McDonald's!

McDonald's is not alone in seeking to update its image. Rival Burger King announced plans last month to overhaul its 12,000 locations with industrial-inspired corrugated metal and brick walls.

It's all about choice: Do you want to eat gross food in Europe, or in a music video from the early nineties?

• Posting Calorie Counts on All Restaurant Menus: NYC Overseer and Lord Michael Bloomberg has tried this, but a new study says people are actually eating more at fast food outlets since the calorie postings went up.
• Banning Fast Food Restaurants Altogether: They want to do this is South Los Angeles, at least until enough health food stores open up to even things out. Researchers say it won't accomplish anything.
• Fewer Junk Food Snacks in Schools: The CDC now says fewer American schools are selling candy and soda! Nevertheless—although the American school system produces more NBA players than any other nation's—American kids are only fit in their video game avatars. In real life they are not fit, but rather unfit.
• The Biggest Loser: It's not just a disturbing television show any more—now it's a franchise with cookbooks, a Wii fitness game, and even a god damn "Biggest Loser Resort" weight loss spa where you pay money to go live the life of a loser. Unless 300 million of us can fit in there, it's just a tiny chocolate chip on the vast sea of frosting that is American obesity.

Dunkin Brands trust you and they're sure your store is just fine and everything, but if you don't meet their "standards" you will have to install a security camera system in your store. Headquarters might just peek in, from time to time! The NYP reports:

According to one Dunkin' letter, the franchisee was required either to allow Dunkin' to monitor the stores "24 hours a day, 7 days a week [on video]" or pay to have each store inspected every other week at a cost of $350 a visit.

The real reason: trying to crack down on robberies by cops.

[Alternate headline: "1984 Frosted." Pic via]

Sorry Starbucks but we're pretty sure the Olsen twins and Anna Wintour are not gonna be too enthusiastic about drinking some Sanka type shit, what are they, auto repairpersons???

Starbucks' whole sales pitch here: It tastes the same as our regular coffee, but it's way cheaper and you don't have to go to a Starbucks for it. Bad move.

"We're convinced a majority of people won't be able to tell the difference," said Mr. Schultz, who explained that he has secretly been serving Via to people at his office and home for months and that they haven't realized they were drinking instant coffee.

1. Well, no reason to pay Starbucks prices now, hmm? Why don't we all just carry our personal hobo cups, fished out of the trash, and heat water in a sardine tin, with a Bic lighter, and mix it with our Starbucks Hobo Coffee Crystals? Sounds good? God.

2.Physical danger.

[Pic: Flickr, Flickr]

Ad Age breaks down the impending crisis: McDonald's has 32,158 "restaurants," as they call them. Subway has nearly 32,000, and it's gaining fast.

The average U.S. McDonald's had about $2.3 million in sales last year; the average Subway made about $445,000, according to Technomic.

Yea Subway, call us when you have like 165,000 stores. Then we'll talk. And 'Starbucks?' McD's pisses on you too. You cannot defeat the American Middlebrow.
[Pic via]

The Wall Street Journal reveals that the coffee company of choice for robots has a whole team of efficiency experts that will come to your Starbucks location, watch your every move, then tell you how, by plotting the movements of your arms, legs, fingers, toes, and head on a PowerPoint graph that is cross-referenced with a 3D image map of cataloging even your smallest eye twitches, you can shave several seconds off your Macchiato assembly time.

He and a 10-person "lean team" have been going from region to region armed with a stopwatch and a Mr. Potato Head toy that they challenge managers to put together and re-box in less than 45 seconds.

Huzzah for "fun" corporate thinking tools! That Mr. Potato Head is just one of the tools Starbucks used to help its super-efficient Oregon City story "cut two seconds" off its average drive-thru time (the other tool: threats). No price is too high to pay to achieve our common Starbucks goal!

If Starbucks can reduce the time each employee spends making a drink, he says, the company could make more drinks with the same number of workers or have fewer workers.

Work harder. Work faster. Work more. Work yourself out of a job!
[Pic via]

Some of us thought that the fact that KFC was overrun by free "Chicken"-seeking Oprah fans, and totally blew them off with false promises of some free "chicken" at some future date, would sink the "Brand's" reputation, or something. We badly overestimated the extent to which Americans care about sticking to their guns for a cause, and underestimated Americans' affinity for "Grilled" "Chicken" food products:

"This has to be the best product launch in our history," Yum CEO David Novak said during the company's second-quarter earnings call this morning...

[KFC's marketing chief] credited grilled chicken's success to KFC's advertising and accompanying celebrity endorsements; product-placement deals in properties such as "Gary Unmarried"; and even the Oprah giveaway, which yielded a response too big for the marketer to handle.

Not only did Oprah's false promise not drive Americans away from her and her cottage fry-slinging backers; it actually sparked so much interest that people unable to get their free "Grilled" "Chicken" food product returned to the stores at a later date and paid their own money to sample said food product.

We were foolish to think that the combination of Oprah's cultlike powers and pressed patties of amalgamated processed chicken parts, salt, artificial flavors, and certain industrial fillers could be resisted. This, after all, is America.
[Ad Age]

They put up this ad in Spain: "A snack that is sacred." But, oops, that is a picture of the Hindu goddess of wealth, prosperity, light, wisdom, fortune, fertility, generosity and courage, Lakshmi. And lots of Hindus are vegetarians. So they didn't take too kindly to this ad featuring their goddess astride a motherfucking ham sandwich.

So BK was like "OMG some local ad agency did this we are sooooooo sorry, haha," which is the same thing they said about their most recent blowjob sandwich ad. So then all the media and people like us write about these wacky ads, which is like quite literally millions upon millions of dollars worth of free PR for BK, and they're like "What, me worry?"

Well, worry about this: Lakshmi's sister is Alakshmi, the goddess of misfortune. Maybe that's why McDonald's continues to kick Burger King's ass. Blame that guy.
[Ad Age]

Not only is he starring in a new Subway TV ad—the first since his little controversy (smoking of drugs illegally and saddening children)—but he's once again plastered all over Subway's website (they never technically dropped him as an endorser, they just hid him in a secret "stash box," in the closet).

There he is, right on the website, telling children how to get "Fresh Toasted." If we make any more weed jokes we will probably puke, right on the floor here, but feel free to browse around the site and make your own. "Phelps Phlavor"? Ha right he likes the different flavors of marijuana to smoke on, I bet! Those colors behind him in that photo probably drove him loony when he was high on the marijuana, I bet!

Going to throw up now. Eat Subway, ladies and gentlemen.

You kids went wandering off to your Taco Bells and whatnots instead of sitting around Denny's for three hours at 4 a.m. chainsmoking and downing cup after cup of coffee because you are probably on some drugs, as was the style in my day. Denny's is determined to bring you back, god damn kids!

Between the hours of 10 p.m. and 5 a.m. it pipes in rock and country music and it is scheduling after-concert parties for up-and-coming bands. It has added late-night menu items fashioned by well-known musicians including Rascal Flatts and Good Charlotte. On Tuesday, singer Jewel is slated to concoct a new Denny's menu item at a New York test kitchen.

Official concert after-parties at Denny's? Good Charlotte burritos? Jewel? WHAT IS THIS THING?

Bizarre.
[WSJ. Pic: Flickr]

A Biscuit Hole is a bit of biscuit dough "rolled in cinnamon and sugar and served with icing for dipping." In a press release, Brad Haley, Hardee's executive vice president of marketing, said: "They really are irresistible and it's almost impossible to eat just one." (Must. Not. Comment.) He added: "But what to call them was a big challenge. One of my favorite options was 'Biznuts,' a cross between 'biscuits' and 'donuts,' since the closest thing to them are donut holes."

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.Ha, how about you call them "Vaginas and Anuses?" Ha. People will want to eat them then I bet! Ha. Right after they ejaculate into them!
[Adages]

Crispin Porter Bogusky is the edgy and creative and strategic ad agency that's been doing all the bizarre, vaguely disturbing Burger King ads for the last five years, like the Subservient Chicken and Sir Mix-a-Lot vs. Spongebob and the idea of having your restaurant represented by a man in a huge, grotesque, smiling mask.

The great thinkers of the advertising world love this counterintuitive shit. Crispin has won so many awards for these Burger King campaigns they probably are right now, as we speak, constructing a huge, scary sculpture of advertising awards in the shape of the Burger King, which they will use to scare children, strategically. They have totally "re-energized" the brand of Burger King, to the max! The only problem: they are getting their asses kicked by McD's even worse than before.

Between 2003 — the year before Burger King hired Crispin as agency of record — and 2008, Burger King's share of the burger-chain market fell to 14.2% from 15.6%, according to Technomic, while McDonald's share rose to 46.8% from 43.6%. McDonald's has posted average annual sales growth of 6.3% compared with BK's 2.9% gain during that period.

That's because McDonald's runs boring ads that show All-American people enjoying their McDonald's food, with a little jingle at the end, and Burger King runs ads that win ad awards. If only the average burger-eater were clever enough to appreciate Crispin's brilliant branding techniques! You slob Americans get what you deserve, as will Burger King.

I put this matter to the Subservient Chicken and he just shrugged his wings.
[Ad Age]

McDonald's Corp.'s sales rose 5.1% last month as the fast-food chain continued to attract consumers amid the global recession and rising unemployment...this year's results were aided by the introduction of new McCafe coffee beverages.

McDonald's message is this: "Now you have a good excuse to buy a cheap ass burger while you pick up your daily tub of coffee, yuppies." Clear, direct, and honest. Meanwhile, the chief marketing guy at Starbucks is like "McD's will recruit all these new yuppies who will get tired of drinking their swill and trade up to our swill!" while glancing around nervously, adding, "Yea, that's the ticket. 'Trading up.' Yea, I like the sound of that." We all know you're toast, Starbucks man.

The joke on both of them is that there are no yuppies left. Only wretches.
[Ad Age, WSJ. Pic: mm mcderomott's Flickr]

The special sponsorship with Subway is enabling NBC to bring back the series, executives said, in a deal they described as made possible by a decision to go to advertisers earlier than usual in what NBC called the "infront," to ask for ideas about interweaving brands into shows.

You read that correctly: the fucking Subway product placement is enabling this show to be on TV, period. All the other stuff in there is just extra low fat mayo. How hardcore is NBC willing to get here? Hardcore to the bone:

"Chuck" appealed to Subway for reasons that included its audience, which is mostly the type of younger consumer that buys a lot of subs at malls. The show takes place in a mall, and Chuck's girlfriend, Sarah, is a C.I.A. agent who works under cover at various stands in the food court.

It is no great leap to believe she could be selling Subway sandwiches next season. An NBC executive said discussions have been under way about the specifics of the tie-in.

We hope you're very happy about the success of your "Buy a Subway Sandwich to Save NBC's 'Chuck!'" campaign now. Sandwich whores.
[NYT]

"2 Girls, 1 Sub. Hungry? See If This Sandwich Whets Your Appetite." Yes. For poop.


Quizno's is the same sex perv breadlicker corporation that based its last ads for this same sandwich on the concept of getting a blowjob from an oven. These are some powerful sandwichdildos!

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.

These calorie labels have done precisely nothing to stop us from ordering multiple chili-cheese dogs at Nathan's, but, then, we're also known to have a 135 calorie (and a mere 4.4% alcohol-by-volume) Yuengling for lunch, so maybe consumers can be rational, with more education.

The Big Max [TBM]

In the breathtaking and blurry pic above, a line stretches outside the Penn Station KFC yesterday—a line that would soon morph into a full-blown public protest, in favor of free chicken. The manager of the store now says that the coupons will be honored today, as well, so rush right down there, everyone! But the KFC panic was widespread; look at this violent report from North Carolina:

Greensboro Police were forced to block off the entrance to the KFC on Bessemer Avenue during the dinner rush Wednesday night.

The Fire Marshal shutdown the restaurant when too many people packed inside, and many customers left empty handed.

And what is Oprah's response to this public chicken mania that she has sparked? To deny the very real danger of RACE RIOTS:

A spokewoman for Oprah's Harpo Productions in Chicago said they are not aware of any problems with the coupons.

We'd all love to pretend that we weren't "aware" of the problem, Oprah, but we've passed that point now. What we need now are solutions—real solutions, involving large sums of money from you, funneled to the angry public, via certain online media outlets who will take only a nominal percentage fee for their cooperation. Otherwise the Chicken Riots of '09 may, indeed, become your greatest legacy. Of shame.

Honestly I haven't seen one fucking ad for this yet, myself, but that's okay, since McD's did an excellent job hyping up how their ads are EVERYWHERE, don't even try to miss them:

McDonald's — never known for a delicate marketing touch — is about to drop the mother of all campaigns on you, an everywhere-you-look, invade-your-dreams ad campaign in support of its McCafé specialty coffee drinks that will be not so much viral as bubonic. An estimated $100-million mega-buy across TV, Web, radio, print, outdoor and social media, the McCafé push beginning today will be, according to the company, its biggest "menu initiative" since it began serving breakfast in the 1970s.

Fine, fine. But Starbucks is an identity, not just a coffee shop. The bigger question here is: Will the yuppies of America sell their very faux-souls during a recession for measly $100 mil, forsaking Starbucks for the clutches of McD's? Sure, if McDonald's puts some fucking copies of Akeelah and the Bee by the register, some Dylan on the radio, open a store on Astor Place. Yuppies will flock to that shit to save a nickel. Drink your McCafé, yuppié.

[I'm getting some tomorrow!]