The Wall Street Journal has again published the insane complaints of clueless rich people. This time, Fed chair Janet Yellen's neighbors are upset about her security guards' "doughnut bellies."

Former Rep. Alan Grayson wrote a blog post for the Daily Kos today. If that sentence isn't sad enough, here's the title: "I Told Newt He Looks Fat." Apparently Grayson once met Newt Gingrich on the floor of the House, and totally zing'ed him, and it was awesome.

According to Ask Men's annual Great Male/Female Surveys, half of all straight men say they would dump a girlfriend who got fat. 20 percent of straight women say they'd dump a boyfriend who got fat.

Finally, we have new data on the number of fat pets in the U.S., and it's not looking good. Over half of all American dogs and cats are at least overweight, and some 20 percent of them are obese.

When Cleveland Jr. and Kendra embark on a journey to find a place where fat people are accepted, they discovered the America's mecca of fat. Wisconsin: Where you don't exert yourself physically and you can buy butter on a stick!

This may come as a shock, but many people treat thin women better than heavier women. I know—it seems unbelievable! But it's not just that thin women are treated better—they also make more money. How much more?

After a year-long study of male sexual performance, researchers have found that men with higher body mass indices last seven minutes longer than their slender counterparts. The decidedly unsexy reason: Fat men have more female hormones.

Is your child hungry? Like, really hungry? The most caloric kids meal in America is reportedly Friendly's Mac & Cheese Quesadilla. With the drink and dessert that come with it, the meal has 2,300 calories.

After a mandatory body mass screening, the state of Massachusetts deemed nine-year-old Shelby Sumner overweight and sent a letter to her parents to notify them of her corpulence. On a side note, skinny girls got As for being anorexic.

Proto-fauxhemian clothier Urban Outfitters is messing with young girls minds by selling a T-shirt that says "Eat Less." It probably doesn't come larger than size 12. Sadly, this will not keep one fatty from eating 10 Double Downs at once.

This child on this classic Wife Swap clip really wanted his bacon, and did not want his new "mother" interfering with his culinary preferences.

We as Americans are not in the shape we once (1942) were. Is it possible to "lose" the accumulated weight of decades of Cap'n Crunch, Nestle Quik, and Quarter Pounders? America's willing to give it a shot. With crazy schemes.

After torturing rhesus monkeys for decades with extremely low-calorie diets, scientists have finally proven that eating less can help primates (you) live longer. And the United States of America has proven that eating more kills you quick. Related: Donut Wars!!

Just as the kids today use alcohol labeling to ensure economical intoxication, so may the fatties of tomorrow make use of New York's fast food calorie labeling.

The Way We Live Now: Involuntarily dieting. Cafeteria trays are a forgotten luxury. Sandwich boards are the new sandwiches. Stare in the windows of the many new luxury restaurants!

Despite the fact that it is genetically and physiologically impossible according to a scientist, a scientist predicts that in 40 years, all U.S. adults will be overweight. This terrifying study was published in the journal Impossible Alarmist Wake-up Calls Designed to be Picked Up by Science-Illiterate Mainstream…

A new study has found that while you can shrink the size of fat cells, you can never reduce their number. The human body replaces fat cells that die off, maintaining a constant amount of them throughout our lives. You know what that means: you will always be fat no matter what you do and it's just not fair GOD. [NYT]