That last bit, according to a former Felix Dennis employee tipster! Since we told you about some of Dennis' various maniacal foibles yesterday, like being a neat freak and owning many dildos, allegedly, more tips have poured in! We love Felix Dennis a bit more every day. The following are just rumors:

• This one comes "second hand" so let's take it with several grains of salt, but don't you think this is awesome?: In the mid-90s, in England, Dennis throws a huge masquerade ball-type party. He arrives dressed as a king, with several women in tow. Halfway through the party, he has the then-president and VP get up and make a speech to the company about what a great job they'd done. "Then Felix took the mike and promptly fired the president and VP in front of everyone, [and] kicked them out of the party." Ha.
• He forced employees to go to his poetry book readings.
• He smoked cigarettes constantly, in a non-smoking office.
• He bought a forest and named it after himself (true!).
• He rewarded his employees of the month with free trips to his estate in Mustique, featuring servant service and all.
• Maxim's office had a full bar, and a bong.

A former staffer at one of Dennis' magazines sent us the following random rumor/ stories about working for the man, the myth, the food safety fanatic:

• Warned that Felix Dennis was coming to visit their office, the staffers did a half-ass job of cleaning the place up. Felix, a neat freak, came, saw, freaked out, and threatened to fire everybody if the office wasn't clean the next morning. He didn't end up firing them, though!
• There was a rumor in the office (a pretty strange rumor, if you think about it) that Felix Dennis was deathly scared of contracting an STD. Seems reasonable! One employee there went to Dennis' house, snooped around, and reported that he owned many, many dildos. Not a crime! Except the snooping part.
• Felix Dennis insisted that one of his close friends be placed on the masthead of a magazine as "Snowboard Editor." Despite the fact that she never wrote anything, snowboard-related or otherwise.

By remaining a wild man, we hear! Wild man like a fox. Don't get it twisted: Felix Dennis may occasionally drink five bottles of wine and then confess to pushing some dude off a cliff, but he's no fool. He sold off Maxim and Blender for $250 million two years ago; today, Blender's folded, and Dennis' old company is totally financially fucked.

But Dennis still controls The Week, meaning he still has an excuse to play crazy publisher man! His latest adorable foible: a tipster tells us that Felix "shut down the office kitchen because people left milk out." And also, because he can. The man's a throwback! Why not send us more tales of Felix Dennis acting strangely, hmm?

BW: I will ask one final question about it.

FD: You can ask it but I won't answer it.

BW: Do as you wish. Why say such a thing to a journalist?

FD: Have you ever drunk 5 bottles of wine? I think I could get you to say just about anything you wanted.,

BW: I don't think I would have said that.

FD: I think I could have got you to say it after five bottles of wine.

[Business Week]

He looks so intense that I ask him whether he's ever fought with a man over a woman. "I've killed a man," he says. What? "I've killed a man." What do you mean, you've killed a man? "I killed him." Does everyone know you've killed a man? "No, and they'll never find out, either." Are you kidding me? Are you winding me up? Where? In what country? "I killed him. That's all you need to know. I killed him."

Oh Felix, you're having me on. "No." Promise me. Swear to God... "He hurt her and I told him to stop and he kept on." What did it feel like, then? "He hurt her." What did you do? "Pushed him over the edge of a cliff." In the Caribbean? "Don't matter where it was. He wouldn't let her alone. She told him to stop. I told him to stop. Many people told him to stop. Wouldn't stop. Kept on and on and on. Made her life a living misery: beat her up, beat up her kids, wouldn't let her alone, kept on, kept on - weren't even his kids, so in the end, I had a little meeting with him, pushed him over the edge of a cliff. Weren't 'ard."

Are you sure you want to be telling me this? "Don't care. Anybody harms one of mine... if they harm one of mine, they'd better know what they're doing. And they'd always be warned. I wouldn't attack anybody without reason. I'll attack nobody without reason. Without trying again and again to bring this thing to a much more satisfactory and sensible, more rational conclusion. But if they keep harming one of mine, then I have no option."

[Times Online]

Felix has killed many people with his jokes and he has certainly killed a few magazines along the way - his own and others - but as for human beings, that's ridiculous.

Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.

[NYP via NYO]

Polite Notice - To Health & Safety Fascists

To Health & Safety Fascists:
We've met your kind before—
The 'Peace At Any Price' brigade
When Hitler threatened war;

As snitches in the playground,
Uriah Heeps in suits,
Who'd stand and watch a kiddie drown
In case you wet your boots;

Who puff-up in your uniforms
And counterfeit the bold,
Then bleat and whine to hide the shame:
"I did as I was told!"

Who love to fuss and meddle,
And tell us what we know,
The poodle pimps of clerks and claims
With bureaucrats in tow;

Who chop down healthy street trees:
"We simply must, you see,
In case you slip... on fallen leaves...
And then where would we be?"

We'd be just fine... impaling
Your donkey heads on poles,
You piffling, pointless, jobsworth toads—
Now get back in your holes!

I just stepped out ...

Where am I? Oh, I just stepped out,
No need to make a fuss, or shout,
No need to comb the nearest wood
Or roam about the neighbourhood.

Call off the dog she'll find no scent,
Please don't worry where I went,
And do not climb the garden tree,
My dear, you'll catch no glimpse of me.

The attic steps will pinch your thumb,
The cellar will be dark and dumb,
Yet should you search your heart with care,
Though I am gone, you'll find me there.

June, 2007

He looks so intense that I ask him whether he's ever fought with a man over a woman. "I've killed a man," he says. What? "I've killed a man." What do you mean, you've killed a man? "I killed him." Does everyone know you've killed a man? "No, and they'll never find out, either." Are you kidding me? Are you winding me up? Where? In what country? "I killed him. That's all you need to know. I killed him."

Oh Felix, you're having me on. "No." Promise me. Swear to God... "He hurt her and I told him to stop and he kept on." What did it feel like, then? "He hurt her." What did you do? "Pushed him over the edge of a cliff." In the Caribbean? "Don't matter where it was. He wouldn't let her alone. She told him to stop. I told him to stop. Many people told him to stop. Wouldn't stop. Kept on and on and on. Made her life a living misery: beat her up, beat up her kids, wouldn't let her alone, kept on, kept on - weren't even his kids, so in the end, I had a little meeting with him, pushed him over the edge of a cliff. Weren't 'ard." [Times Online]

I once woke up in the morning convinced I had killed a man by smashing his head in with a stout branch. It seemed so real that I started to feel remorse, before realising I'd dreamt it. It still puzzled me for a few hours and then I realised that I'd had this dream before, but hadn't remembered it on the previous occasion. And yes, I'd had a few beers the night before.