• Jon Gosselin was the guest of honor at a pool party in Vegas. Whereas a pool party would sound like an enjoyable experience anywhere else, in Vegas, it's the sixth circle of hell. It looks something like this:

  Upon arriving on the red carpet, Gosselin told reporters, "It looks like we'll have a good time" – as 2,000 people danced and drank alcohol to the sounds of rock, hip hop and house music. Not everyone was necessarily happy to see him, though. As he walked on the red carpet, one bikinied woman stood on a railing and shouted, "Team Kate".

  Come on. Just, like, amazing. Note the detail of how she's in a bikini. Anyway, he got a bunch of numbers and apparently brought his mom there, too? This guy's just, yeah. The verdict's in. Team Kate, indeed. Oh, and MGM Hotel and Casino: Classy. [People]
  
  

• Meanwhile, Kate—even though her hair could use some, uh, toning down—put the rumors about her being with the family's bodyguard to rest. They had their own pool party with the bodyguard and his wife, and E! helpfully points out that he patrolled the perimeter on an ATV, playing watchdog over the family. Since Jon was, you know, in Vegas. [E!]
  
  
• Joe Francis says Brody Jenner has a small dick. First off: takes one to know one, BRAH. Second: the New York Times has some helpful news for Jenner! If he can't get it big, he might still be able to keep it up. Really, though, there's so much homoerotic tension between these guys. I've always secretly thought Girls Gone Wild is the kind of overcompensating shit someone deeply insecure about their sexuality would produce. Then again, who doesn't want a free hat, right? Community service. [D Listed]
  
  
• Kelly Preston pulled out of a "grief panel" where she was going to discuss the death of her son, Jett. Nope. No more. Maybe because she'd get asked a question about the sketchy circumstances surrounding it, including (but not limited to!) the Scientology cover-up of Jett's autism. Unfortunately, you can only get so many Roger Friedmans fired, and once you run out, there are no heads to be put on corporate platters! And that happened. [NYDN]
  
  
• Serena Williams and Common are hooking up? Did not know. There is, indeed, a light in celebrity gossip, sometimes. [Page Six]
  
  
• See this plastic bag? It's the most beautiful thing in the world. And it costs too much for me to ever have. Name the movie! American Beauty star Wes Bentley is defaulting on his AmEx for $90K. Maybe he can sell some weed to pay the bill? [TMZ]
  
  
• The first lady of oil-rich Gabon is in California living on food stamps? (A) Africa is crazy and (B) of course Page Six would pick this up. Love it. [Page Six]
  
  
• The guy from Sum 41 and Avril Lavigne are "headed for splitsville" according to the Daily News. They get Gabon and you get this? Weak, Daily News. Sorry, but you just can't compete with geopolitical scandelousness with Canadian pop-punksters. [NYDN]
  
  
• Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson don't talk about Twilight, like, ever. Dare not say they sacred name! Just like how media people never talk about the media. Really, though: I wonder if they're bigger Harry Potter fans. Don't forget, folks, Pattinson was Cedric Diggory waybackwhen. There's a distinct air of truth to this. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Tina Fey takes her FeyCay on Fire Island. Everyone there is apparently resisting the urge to make the Sarah Palin joke about Fire Island/Manhattan and Alaska/Russia. Which makes me concerned that the people in the Hamptons might be funnier. [Page Six]
  
  
• Albert Hammond Jr. of The Strokes sold his East Village pad for less than $1M (ouch?) and him an Agyness Deyn are gonna move into a hotel for a while. 3:1 on the Bowery Hotel, 8:1 on the Cooper Square, but if they drop into The Hotel on Rivington, every last remaining shred of indie cred: gone. [Page Six]
  
  
• Maybe I'm amazed that Paul McCartney still has the power to deal with all of these women coming in and out of his life. Then again, maybe I'm not, and he probably doesn't need your New York Times penile resuscitation squad to do so, thank you. His current lady, Nancy Shevell, is avoiding his last lady, Heather Mills, who's been stalking around his Amaganssett house. Which, I mean, pretty impressive, Heather Mills. Must get tiring, though, right? [Page Six]

And, on that note: happy Sunday. We'll leave it to the Walrus himself to take us out. Paul?

Sadly, it didn't. Also, the Department of the Interior claimed such arrests never happened; that assertion was "happily quoted" by gay magazines. Meanwhile:

So out in the Meat Rack, the federal forest between Cherry Grove and the Pines, I met a man who described his "flavor" as "Blatino" and who suggested, unprompted, for himself the pseudonym of "Max." He reported that he had seen a timid, anxious three-way taking place in the bushes that afternoon and not much else—but that the Meat Rack had, last night in the wee hours, been hopping. No one expected the park rangers to have the budget for night patrols.

...And the following day, Sunday, things were pretty quiet; no cops of any stripe. Everyone had heard that the new park rangers put on staff at the Fire Island National Seashore had been informed by their superiors that arresting gay men for lewd behavior was not a priority here. How that might have been put to them was not explained.

Promises In the Park [Radar]

Few details are known—the National Park Service has not yet confirmed the arrests or said why they have now begun patrolling the land. On the weekend of Friday, June 13, at least one gay man was detained in the small wooded area popularly called The Meat Rack, which is both a cruising ground and also a thoroughfare between the two gay towns of Fire Island, Cherry Grove and The Pines. The following weekend, at least two were arrested.

This coming Saturday, June 28, one Cherry Grove resident is proposing—via posters around the towns—a day of action, what he is calling "a circle jerk for freedom" around the park service's (abandoned) building in the Meat Rack at the edge of the Pines.

EXT. FIRE ISLAND PINES PAVILION NIGHTCLUB

The Saturday night/Sunday morning 3 a.m. new moon sky is extra dark, lit only with an abundance of stars. The only light comes from what is also the primary source of noise in the still night: Pavilion. Outside a variety of gays presides. Some sit at wire mesh tables, smoking and chatting. Others stand in groups while others walk seemingly aimless through the night.

A group of gays wearing assorted low-rise jeans and no shirts sit at a table barely touched by the outside lighting. All are in their early thirties. MARLBOROGAY and PARLIAMENTGAY glow in the dim light, their muscular bodies pink-tan and glistened with sweat. SMOKELESSGAY sits with them, with comparatively thin and pale.

PARLIAMENTGAY looks toward the door of the nightclub where ADIDASGAY exits and jaunts past their table wearing tight silver Adidas sweatpants with red stripes. After passing the table he begins to walk quickly down the boardwalk.

PARLIAMENTGAY looks toward BACKPACKGAY, standing near the exterior stairs.

ADIDASGAY emerges from the darkness of the boardwalk and passes the table and jaunts back into the nightclub.

The three leave their table and enter Pavilion. Outside, BACKPACK gay begins making out with another gay, shirtless with low-rise jeans.

Previously: A Good Houseguest Brings "Stuff" For The Weekend

We regret to inform the Fire Island Pines Community that there was a death this morning, Saturday, August 18, 2007, of a 31 year old healthy man from a reaction to GHB.

This tragic incident follows an unprecendented number of GHB overdoses at the Pines Party, July 29.

Putting this together there is a strong liklihood that the GHB being distributed in the community is particularly toxic and dangerous.

We circulate this information to encourage all Pines and Grove residents to stay away from any GHB.

Of course it is better not to take any illegal drugs as there are no known ways to reverse their side effects. But all the overdoses we have seen in the last four weeks have included GHB.

Sincerely,
Dr. Ed Schulhafer, M.D.
President
Board of Directors
Pines Care Center, Inc.

EXT. FIRE ISLAND PINES HARBOR
The Saturday noon ferry has arrived to the harbor and streaming onto the dock are new arrivals. DAYTRIPPERS arrive with umbrellas, coolers, and backpacks, often with glimpses of swimwear visible under low-waisted cargo shorts. RESIDENTS and HOUSEGUESTS bring assorted luggage and bags from Trader Joe's and Whole Foods. Standing in the harbor is an assortment of GAYS, a few of whom wait to board, but most of whom await new arrivals.

LILLYGAY stands wearing a white oversized vee-neck teashirt and Lilly Pulitzer "Crabby Pants" swim trunks. With him is ETROGAY wearing a pink tank top and Etro striped trunks. Both point and wave to HOUSEGUEST who approaches them, drops a Barneys shopping bag filled with food and a canvas Jack Spade coal bag, and joins in a group hug.

BIOLOGICALWOMAN approaches the three and points to the ferry.

OTHERGUEST passes by with OTHERRESIDENT.

As the three walk away from the harbor, BIOLOGICALWOMAN is running toward the now departing boat, an iced coffee sweating in her hand.

EXT. THE JAMAICA LIRR STATION, ONE DAY BEFORE THE PINES PARTY

The crowd flows en masse from the 4:40 Long Beach train across the platform to the 5:03 Patchogue train. As the train arrives into the station, BUSINESSGAY (wearing a plaid dress shirt, suit pants, and well-shined square-toe black shoes) is displaying a court jester's hat to CASUALGAY (dressed in an untucked white long-sleeve button-down, jeans, and Asics running shoes) and CHANELGAY (in a sleeveless tank top with Thai script, displaying his array of tattoos, including the Chanel logo on the back of his neck). The jester's hat is tucked back into a black canvas weekender bag as the three begin to board the train.

CASUALGAY wears a face of concern as they board the crowded train.

EXT. THE BLUE WHALE, ONE DAY AFTER THE PINES PARTY

The Sunday brunch crowd is mostly quiet with the voice of Sting heard clearly, singing "How Fragile We Are." WAITER, wearing jeans cut just below the knee, an Ascencion tee shirt and Nike Air Hi-Tops is moving a table to seat a party of five. Four are seated while TYPICALFORTHEMOMENT stands shirtless, shifting from one foot to the other and blinking arhythmically. As he waits, another party of five arrives.

The second party consists of four gay men, mostly indistinguishable from one another, all wearing sunglasses, tee shirts, and cargo shorts. Accompanying them is a tall brunette woman in sunglasses and a white cotton dress with a tan lobster pattern. Two of the INDISTINGAYSHABLEs are on each side of LOBSTERHAG, assisting her to walk. Her face, although covered in large sunglasses, exposes a look of pain.

The party is seated and peruses their menus. LOBSTERHAG stares into space.

A loud siren rings out throughout the bay.

Previously: Do She? She Do!

INT. THE "GLO LOUNGE" IN FIRE ISLAND PINES
The lounge is a new construction with fresh wood encasing a modern-look bar with ample seating and tables, with large open windows that overlook the bay. The event known as "High Tea" is just beginning and the crowd is starting to grow. Near one window, sitting on a sofa are RAYBANTWINK and PRADATWINK, wearing of-the-season sunglasses as befit their names. As the crowd enters from the stairwell to their right they look around the room.

PRADATWINK nods and winks as he finishes his drink. RAYBANTWINK gets up to leave for the bar. One sofa over at another window, IRONICTEEBEAR is caressing the sofa with SLEEVELESSBEAR.

EMACIGAYTED is speaking loudly into a black RAZR phone and approaches the sofa holding the BEARS and walks past to lean out the window.

EMACIGAYTED walks away from the BEARS, cigarette in the hand that is covering his ear. He leaves for the main High Tea bar to the left, passing RAYBANTWINK, carrying two drinks.

INT. THE FIRE ISLAND PINES PIZZERIA

The pizzeria is semi-busy with a short line of men ordering fresh hot food served quickly, a rarity on Fire Island. "Low Tea" has ended and many are seeking sustenance before heading along to "High Tea" and/or Lina's party at Sip 'N Twirl. Behind the counter is PIZZABOY, wearing a pizzeria logo-emblazoned green polo, modified to be sleeveless. The order of a chicken caesar wrap is being taken from ATHLETWINK, wearing Nike basketball shorts and crewneck American Eagle tee shirt.

Behind ATHLETWINK is PROPERTYOWNER, a man with salt-and-pepper hair and deep tan wearing an fundraiser-logo tee and Levi's loose-fit jeans. He steps forward to the counter.

PIZZABOY leaves for the Staff House, located across the boardwalk from the restaurant. Later, ATHLETWINK sits at an outdoor table with BARTENDER, wearing a black tank top, ecru corduroy shorts, and a black backward-facing baseball cap. Their food consumed; they are now drinking Diet Cokes.

PIZZABOY returns to the restaurant. His hair, formerly down and parted, is now spiked and gelled.

Previously: The Lowest Tea

EXT. THE BOARDWALK OUTSIDE THE BLUE WHALE, FIRE ISLAND PINES
The boardwalk along the harbor is a throng of gay men. The entrance into the afternoon event known as "Low Tea" is not dissimilar to a fallopian tube: Freshly washed and coiffed gays travel up the narrow stairwell like thoughtless sperm. The crowd-flow directs us to the stiff angular movements of FLAGHAG. A bubblegum pink shirtdress and an organized mop of caustic blonde hair move in opposition to her tiny, sunburned frame. She is surrounded by men more than a half-foot taller. In her hands are napkins.

The flow moves us in a new direction, at first following an unspeaking, pouty BRIAN and a singing FLAGHAG toward the front bar, but then shifting us through sliding glass doors to the interior dance floor. JAGHAG dances to Loleatta Holloway's Relight My Fire with a male friend. They both make jazz hands that occasionally touch the other's waist.

As the music changes, the crowd pushes back toward the middle entrance of a full back hallway, which leads at one end toward bathrooms and at the other toward the service bar. The area around the back bar is less crowded and FASHIONHAG stands near the bar smoking a cigarette. An Hermes scarf holds back shiny-healthy shoulder length hair. Perfectly applied blush and lipstick adorn her Asian-American features and her white strapless jumper minidress. FASHIONHAG approaches the bar and puts the cigarette out. ALEX runs toward her.

The crowd is now flowing toward the front entrance again. As the entrance is approached, napkins can be seen fluttering wildly from the hands of FLAGHAG.

Previously: The Great Gay Train Snobbery