I'll save you the trouble of reading this:

1. Sweat makes you cool.

2. When it is hot you get hot.

3. After a while you get used to it.

I challenge you to find another salient point in that article. In the meantime, get with the program, people:

Good thing Muscletech's current lineup is all-natural:

[Steroids are bad. Super Squats are good!]

[Pictured: True roid freak Gregg Valentino]

"You don't want to be seen as trying too hard or being vain or being someone who cares about what they look like," a magazine editor says. "Because of the exertion and effort, it implies caring too much in a way that isn't cool." The editor is so ashamed of his uncool hotness that he refused to be named.

The article gives everyone — flabby nerds, dumb meatheads and bright athletes alike — reason to feel insecure about their fitness levels, intelligence and lack of ironic distance, respectively. But it's a boon for ladies who wish to pretend that their good-looking boyfriend is smart because he wears glasses. This city does great things for people. [NYO]

Let's examine three fitness programs profiled in the last two days:

1. Crossfit, via the NYT—CrossFit is an internet-based cult of fitness for psychos, itinerant preachers, ex-killers, and crazy people of all stripes. I have met some people who do CrossFit, and they are scarily in shape and also not at all fun to be around. All you have to do is complete the psycho workout routine posted online every day. Sample, from Friday:

For time:
15 Handstand push-ups
1 L Pull-up
13 Handstand push-ups
3 L Pull-ups
11 Handstand push-ups
5 L Pull-ups
9 Handstand push-ups
7 L Pull-ups
7 Handstand push-ups
9 L Pull-ups
5 Handstand push-ups
11 L Pull-ups
3 Handstand push-ups
13 L Pull-ups
1 Handstand push-up
15 L Pull-ups

Post time to comments.

Seriously, just forget CrossFit. It will make you insane.

2. Gyrotonics, via the NY Sun—Gyrotonics is based on a huge, complicated machine that is specially designed to extract money from the wallets of idly rich women. It looks like this:

The hustle is that you have to go to some particular specialist on this particular machine to help you unlock its magical potential, while you pay them handsomely for their secret knowledge. Here's another idea: grab a towel, pull it till your shoulders feel stretched out, then go run stairs until you're in shape. Fuck gyrotonics.

3. "Hollywood's Dirty Diet Secrets," via the NYDN—finally, something real. Also, sick. Did you know Hollywood starlets go on crazy crash diets which consist mostly of smoking, drinking coffee, and doing coke, supplemented only by lettuce or boiled eggs or lemonade or something equally ridiculous? Yes, you probably did know that. Combining laxative tea with fasting and five-hour daily workouts reportedly produces some real results. The downside is that you will be totally dead pretty quick. But yes, you will leave a pretty corpse.

What does it really take to get fit? Nothing more than an iron will, the Eye of the Tiger, buckets of sweat, hours of pain, days of hope, years of conquest, and THIS:

"But it's flaky and warm!"

"But you're fat."

"But I deserve it! I got up at six and did MorningSpin for an hour at Equinox."

"You just think you worked out, sucker. Didn't you read that New York Times article that basically says that no matter what high three-figure calorie count number the Elliptical Trainer displays, you've burned like half of that, sometimes even less?"

"Uh, no. That's exactly why I don't read the New York Times."

Putting Very Little Weight In Calorie Counting Methods [NYT]

We hear that the item that ran in Page Six last month—which read, in part, that Jann Wenner "has been spotted around town with Neal Boulton, the editor-in-chief of Men's Fitness magazine. Boulton is married, to a woman, with kids."—was in fact planted by Boulton himself. Sadly, there was no affair between Jann and Neal—and the general impression is that this was some weird press play by Neal. Curiouser and curiouser! Well, it seems to have worked, whatever it was. Except for Mrs. Boulton, maybe. Oh and jobless Neal. —Doree

Men's Fitness Editor Neal Boulton Leaves Title [AdAge]

has been stepping out on his long-term life partner and co-father of his young son, Matt Nye. The publisher of Rolling Stone, Us Weekly and Men's Journal - who dumped his wife, Jane, of 28 years for pretty-boy fashion designer Nye in 1995 - has been spotted around town with Neal Boulton, the editor-in-chief of Men's Fitness magazine. Boulton is married, to a woman, with kids.

"It isn't clear whether Nye is aware of his partner's cozy relationship with Boulton," the Page Sixers typed, although we're pretty sure he's got some idea of it now.

In any event, so many questions, particularly "Do men's magazines make you gay, or will men's magazine editors do anything to kiss Wenner's ass?" And who is Neal Boulton, alleged Jann paramour?

Well, for starters, he's a 1989 graduate of Washington College. In an article he penned for the Spring '05 issue of that institution's alumni magazine, Boulton reveals his love of words, specifically the words 'Neal Boulton'.

"Secretly," he notes, "my favorite pastime is hitting the magazine racks—in grocery stores, airport newsstands, and tiny Manhattan sidewalk kiosks—and spotting all the magazines with my name in them." Something tells us Neal's gonna have a busy week. —balk

WENNER'S NEW FITNESS FRIEND [NYP]
Determined From The Git-"Go" [Washington College]

Being a janitor is a dirty job - but it shouldn't be that kind of dirty. Maintenance workers have filed suit against their old bosses at Equinox gyms, charging they allowed their workplace to become like a live peep show - and made them the mop-up men. The six men's suit says they were "exposed to in appropriate, lewd, embarrassing and humiliating sexual behavior and activities occurring in the showers, saunas, steam and [men's] locker rooms" that they then had to clean up at Equinox clubs around Manhattan. The "hostile work environment" was made even worse when management refused to help them with the sticky situation, the suit says.

they still haven't opened as of today, missed their scheduled october opening date by over a month now...and keep pushing back their opening date. their website actually shows TWO DIFFERENT opening dates right now!!!

plus, their entire front entrance is still fully covered with plywood.

and they scammed us all into joining early before rates go up and yet, all these months later, the rate remains the same and the gym has yet to open.

Ludlow Fitness

Earlier: Hipsters: So Over Fitness Already

Was a beefier, sculpted and cardiovascularly advanced Lower East Side in our future? Apparently not so.

i was walking by the proposed site of ludlow fitness when i noticed a new double-decker duane reade had oppened up instead. excellent. now i can load up on candy and syringes instead of taking pilates.

So, did anyone shell out for a Ludlow Fitness membership? Were your credit cards charged? If so, did you get your money back?

Correction: It appears that we were incredibly shoddy in our reporting, and Ludlow Fitness is still on track to open above the bigger, badder Duane Reade. In fact, the gym website has reprinted a Metro article from August, which reads in part:

The gym will take over the second floor of the new building, which will have roughly six floors of new apartments above it. On the first floor, Duane Reade is moving in. There's a Duane Reade across the street, but that building will be razed to make way for more luxury housing.

'Mom and pop' gym to open in trendy neighborhood [Metro/Ludlow Fitness]

Ludlow Fitness Website

Which is not to say you folks had a tough time figuring them out.

1) The editor of a major city magazine is, nearly everyone thinks, New York's Adam Moss. (One person guessed Bonnie Fuller, but that makes absolutely no sense, as she does not run a major city magazine and, as we learned from The Wall Street Journal last week, she works out at some fancy place on West 57th Street.)

2) The architect behind more than 200 Gucci stores, by universal agreement, is Bill Sofield.

3) Most think the sweat-drenched Pulitzer-winning novelist is Michael Cunningham. Unless it's a woman, in which case it could maybe possibly sort of be Jane Smiley.

4) There were few guesses as to the half-naked TV hunk, but they were all for Chris Noth. (The issue seemed to be qualms with the descriptor "hunk.") Speaking of hunks, we'll tell you this: Anderson definitely works out at the Equinox in the Time Warner Center.

Earlier: Blind Item Guessing Game: Shvitzing With Sunday Styles

Sandra Oh is namechecked, "[s]kulking around amiably in sweats." So is "the sexily scrawny Smashing Pumpkins guitarist James Iha," who was apparently "cranking out leg lifts." But unnamed is "the editor of a major city magazine" and "the architect who designed 200 Gucci stores." Matt Damon and Calvin Klein are mentioned as regulars, but we're left to wonder about the "Pulitzer Prize-winning novelist drenched in sweat during Matt Pestorius's 6:45 Spinning class." Most teasing is the sighting of "a prime-time television hunk, walking half-naked to the showers."

So let's figure these out. We need: (1) The editor of a major city magazine, (2) the Gucci store architect; (3) the sweat-drenched Pulitzer-winning novelist, and (4) the half-naked TV hunk. Got guesses? Let us know.

24-Hour Sweaty People [NYT]

We eagerly await more Online Journal features like this, featuring impractical advice from inexpert media figures. Next week? Investment tips from Maer Roshan!

What's Your Workout? [WSJ.com]

With great office space comes great responsibility, particularly that of staffers to keep their stomachs flat and their asses pert. For $60 a month (or less if you enroll in some plan), you can acheive the dream at Hearst's new, 9000-square-foot employee gym, which features personal trainers, a variety of "cutting edge" classes, massage therapy, nutrition counseling, and televisions at every piece of cardio equipment. Kind of makes Si's fancy cafeteria seem like a luxurious amenity for fatties.

Subject: Run With Conde Nast

Translation: Lose weight with Conde Nast.

We are excited to announce that Cond Nast Publications will participate in four running events in NYC, and all employees are eligible to join. CNP will cover registration fees for all races and provide each runner with a company t-shirt.

Translation: You will have four distinct opportunities to exercise.

The first event is the Revlon Run/Walk for Women on Saturday, May 6. Runners may also participate in several other races this year including the Media Challenge, the JPMorgan Chase Corporate Challenge and the Komen Race for the Cure.

Translation: If you don't burn some extra calories, you will be hurting those in need.

For additional details and to register for upcoming races, go to Connect and log in. Information is featured in the Events & Promotions section (under the orange "News & Events" tab). Please note: registration for the Corporate Challenge (Wednesday, June 21) is limited so we encourage you to sign up today.

Translation: There's no excuse for your ass to look like it does.

Who the hell is Neal Boulton to tell us about style — or even try and construct a coherent sentence, for that matter? Actually, he's the chief of staff at squat-thrusting Pecker pub Men's Fitness whose painstakingly crafted look (see above) is obviously the result of a lot of Springsteen, Bono, Sly Stallone-brand "protein pudding" and, of course, Photoshop. Why should you care? Because his monthly ed letter is so laugh-out-loud bad, it'll actually helps you build six-pack abs with just one month of repeated reading. This month's barely literate highlight comes from the letter headlined "Style 101" (anti-fashion for the no-neck set):

What the hell is fashion and why should you care? The answer: I don't know and you shouldn't. Style is what you need to be concerned about. Your own. And newsflash — you've already got it....

Got a white suit? Then hit the ranchland and kick up some dust in it. Rich and famous actor or Olympian? Then take a busted — up motocross jacket and throw it over your cleanest dirty shirt. She'll enjoy it even more when she sees it in the corner among the dust bunnies of the motel your bedroom. [Everything sic.]

I'm not saying the guy needs remedial English tutoring or anything. (Not even remedial style guidance — a white suit?) But this editor-in-chief of a national publication — one with copy editors and proofreaders and all that — could definitely use a personal trainer. For grammar.

Editor's Letter: Style 101 [Men's Fitness]
Related:
Editor's Letter: Believe [Men's Fitness (last month)]
Editor's Letter: Determination [Radar Online (a previous analysis)]

Disabled, and Shut Out at the Gym [NYT]

Video Game Aims to Fight Childhood Obesity

CHARLESTON, West Virginia (AP) — West Virginia, which has one of the nation's worst obesity problems, is expanding a project that uses a video game to boost students' physical activity.

All of the state's 157 middle schools are expecting to get the video game "Dance Dance Revolution," and officials hope to put it in all 753 public schools within three years. A pilot project began in 20 schools last spring.

Alas, the expected corollary — that Movable Type would help fight adult-onset paunch — is sadly untrue.

Video Game Aims to Fight Childhood Obesity [CNN.com]

By our count, Muscle & Fitness had a lunch at Tao and Jane has a heavy-metal karaoke blowout tonight at R&R. We can't imagine the pump-you-up Muscle & Fitness crowd let a little transit strike get in the way of things, but what about the Janesters? You can't possibly expect them to walk their way to and home from the party; that's so not Jane at all.

And what about tomorrow, if the strike doesn't end? Will Toussaint steal Media Christmas from the Harper's crowd at Pravda and Media Hanukkah from the Forwarders at Moe Pitkin's.

Someone let us know what the alternative plans are.

Oh, and: You're a mean one, Mr. Toussaint.

Earlier: Gawker's coverage of Media Christmas

"I cannot go to a gym without cringing, watching the idiotic, ineffective and downright dangerous exercise routines personal trainers put their clients through," Men's Health editor in chief David Zinczenko writes in his September issue. Zinczenko goes on to describe a friend, "65 years old and about that many pounds overweight," who showed up to lunch complaining that a workout had left him with a sore neck, and left in an ambulance, "felled by a massive stroke. Did the workout kill him? It's possible."

So, to recap: Exercise tips from a trained professional are likely to kill you. Exercise tips from people who've never met you published in a glossy magazine with a buff guy on the cover? Safe as can be.

Memo Pad [WWD]