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This fellow likes the lady sailors. via Getty

"Hello?"

"God bless Amerifuckinca, Criscocrotch!"

"The Past? I've never known you to be so patriotic."

"Dude. Clinton's got the country going in the right direction! The economy's great, the city's striving, and I totally just banged a soldier."

"Where would you meet a soldier?"

"Since it's Fleet Week there's little G.I. Ho's swarming the streets, but I got mines at Club U.S.A.!"

"Club USA? Is that something like Six Flags?"

"More like Six Thousand Fags! It's a nightclub in Times Square of all places. It's different than the places I usually go. Very 'produced' and 'thought out.' And the crowd on the huge main floor is way too diverse, but I guess that serves a purpose."

"Since when is diversity bad?"

"When you're coming all the way from downtown to Midtown, it's scary to begin with. And when you're on the dance floor and there's some turista de Barcelona getting up in your business in her Versace ensemble, it can be a little disheartening. I sort of walk to the door, give Kenny Kenny his kisses due, and head for the stage. If the trannies are giving show I'll stick around to hand out homage for a bit, but then it's straight up to the Thierry Mugler Room, to be among the civilized. The sound is way better there anyway. Granted I wasn't there for long last night."

"You hooked up with the soldier there?"

"Tongue-tits. They don't allow someone in a Navy uniform into the VIP area. No, there was drama because there's a bunch of heroin-based Ecstacy going around. So instead of the hyper atmosphere the speedy stuff usually gives you, everyone was all 'suck my finger' and shit. I headed up to the roof and it was, like, zombie-town. I'm surrounded by all these blinking Times Square lights and these brain-dead clubbies."

"It's good you didn't do drugs. Sometimes you should take a break from that stuff."

"What are you talking about? I get my shit from Formika's friend. It's always just right. Anyway. I was feeling avant garde so I headed down to the mezzanine area and that's where I saw him. He was in line for the slide wearing..."

"Wait. Slide?"

"Yeah, there's a tube that you can ride down a piece of carpet from the mezzanine level down to the dance floor. Granted, if anyone in the know were to see you doing it, you'd probably be off every list ever. It's for, like, the masses, you know? Anyway. He was there in his tight white poly-cotton uniform getting all ready for his big slide-venture and our eyes totally locked. He rode down the slide but was looking at me until the very second he went into the tube."

"You didn't ride down to find him?"

"And commit social suicide? No. I walked over to the fetish area. There's this hallway that is lined up with video booths, like in a porn shop. Even though I sort of frown on the over-design of it all I have to admit it's sort of genius. And guess who I see?"

"Navy guy?"

"Exactly. I'm all 'come hither' and he hither comes and we start talking. And I'm all like, 'Are you gay?' and he's all like, 'Don't ask, don't tell,' to which I'm all, 'Don't ask, it's obvious.' So then we went into one of the booths and started messing around."

"Messing around? At the club?"

"Yes and yes. He's never going to forget it. It was all like, 'your condom or mine?' and then I was banging him mercilessly, whisper-chanting in his ear, 'U.S.A., U.S.A.' The repressed make such great lays with all their pent-up energy. You gotta love Fleet Week."

"Well, we have it, but I wouldn't exactly call it fun. In my eyes it's just a bunch of stressed out soldiers walking around making homophobic comments."

"Dude. I can't imagine why they'd be stressed out. Being in the military's nothing but hanging out with a bunch of guys all day and night. Maybe traveling to Berlin or Japan or someplace cool like that."

"Well, they're stressed because ..."

"Hold up, sparklespunk, I've got a feeling that if you tell me you'll stress me out. We'll talk soon."

Earlier: Past, Over

The New York Times, today:

The city they [sailors on Fleet Week shore leave] are visiting is ... nothing like the one experienced by the untold thousands of sailors in untold thousands of ships who have come before them over the decades. Once it was strip clubs and bars and tattoo parlors and girls. And while there still may be some of that, sailors who sauntered around Midtown on Memorial Day gave some surprising answers when asked how they experience New York City in the two or three short days they are here. They mentioned frozen cappuccinos, and Off Broadway, and the Museum of Comic and Cartoon Art, and architecture —- specifically, terra cotta facades.

The New York Times, May 28, 2005:

The petty officers were going to disappoint those who think the nation's sailors are a hard-drinking, loutish bunch. In a cab downtown, their discussion focused on their husbands (both Navy men), the latest "Star Wars" movie, Crate and Barrel versus Pottery Barn and that stalwart of conversation —- shoes.

The New York Times, May 27, 1995:

It was barely past noon yesterday and already the three seamen were in a room full of scantily clad, statuesque women.... Mr. Zima and two of his shipmates were eyeing a woman who goes by the name Andromeda. Full-figured, but coolly professional. They found her at one of New York City's finest topless joints — the Carroll and Milton Petrie European Sculpture Court at the Metropolitan Museum of Art.... Mr. Zima and his buddies had already done Wall Street, Chinatown, the Guggenheim Museum ("Everything was upside down," one of them said) and had come to the Metropolitan mostly to check out the medieval armor. There were others at the museum besides Mr. Zima and his friends. Larry Brantley, 38, a chief electrician on the aircraft carrier America, was wandering among the Impressionists... These guys are sailors. Aren't they supposed to be out drinking and ripping up the town?

The New York Times, May 29, 1993:

There were also new-age sailors, the fighting men and women who said they avoid not only strong drink but also high-cholesterol foods. For instance, Vernon L. Black of Pittsburgh, a third-class petty officer on the Kennedy, said he spent much of Thursday browsing through the New York City Public Library.

The New York Times, June 10, 1991

Two officers from the carrier decided to skip the bars and burlesque of Times Square and headed straight for the epicenter of Manhattan sophistication, grabbing ringside seats on the outdoor terrace of Le Relais on Madison Avenue at 63d Street.

Hack Week [Radosh.net]
Earlier: Kindler, Gentler Military Just Wants to Cuddle

William Hamb, 34, a petty officer first class on the Kearsarge, was planning on having a frozen cappuccino at Serendipity 3 on East 60th Street. Geoffrey Roediger, 22, a boatswain's mate third class from St. Matthews, S.C., went to see the Off Broadway musical satire "Burleigh Grime$." And Jason Kinsey, a boatswain's mate first class on the Kearsarge, wanted to visit the Museum of Comic and Cartoon Art on Broadway in SoHo for its exhibition "She Draws Comics: 100 Years of America's Women Cartoonists."

On the other hand, even innocent New York activities are not without inherent dangers: Just try cutting in line at Magnolia Bakery and see how quickly those "Sex and the City" bitches will slice you.

For Sailors, a Calmer Shore Leave in N.Y. [NYT]

Hits for "Fleet Week" search broken down by Craiglist Personals section:

men seeking men: 60
women seeking men: 2
men seeking women: 1
women seeking women: 0

Fabulous.

Earlier: New York Welcomes Fleet Week the Best Way We Know How

Fleet Week: Lookin 4 Young Hung Bi/Curious Servicemen 2 Service - 35 (Wall St.) pic

HELLO, SAILOR! ...FLEET WEEK WELCOME - 38 (NYC)

May-25 Fleet Week fun - Discrete top available - 35 (Midtown West) pic

May-25 Fleet week studs. Can I service you and your dick? 25 here - 25 (brooklyn and city)

sailors and marines in town? i'm here for you - 27 (new york city) pic

Hot Oral Service For Sailor Men Here For Fleet Week. - 25 (nyc) pic

Free massage for any Fleet Week man in uniform - 37 (NYC - East Side)

Cute young guy for Fleet Week sailor or marine - 24 (Midtown)

Fleet week - 30 (NYC)

THIS IS SERIOUS!!! - 21 (SAILORS) pic

Hot Hotel Service for Fleet Week Guys (Midtown Manhattan)