The Perfect Circle of Pseudotrends

Hamilton Nolan — Thu, 14 May 2009 15:29:32 EDT

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.What happens to the delicate fabric of spacetime when stories in the same Thursday New York Times Style Section flow logically into one another in a perpetual, unceasing circle? We're about to find out:

Fauxtrend 1: "Everywhere you turn this spring, there are baubles that look like Jujubes, jellies, licorice, even rock candy." Therefore, Americans love candy. Which leads to...

Fauxtrend 2: Fat People Yoga classes. Therefore, fat Americans are so ashamed of their appearances that they prefer to retreat into non-judgmental cocoons, where no one will mock the way they look. Which leads to...

Fauxtrend 3: "The après-sport sandal - [which] will give athletes post-sport relief and address some of the shortcomings of the typical flip-flop." Good lord, nobody should ever be seen in these monstrosities. When fat people slip these on after their non-judgmental yoga classes and emerge into the harsh wider world, they'll be relentlessly mocked, leading to depression, leading to food cravings. Which leads to....[BACK TO FAUXTREND 1].

The end—or just the beginning??

"Our customers wanted more flip-flop luxury"

Hamilton Nolan — Mon, 05 May 2008 13:17:59 EDT

See these flip-flops? They're not just any flip-flops. They're high fashion, "Married to the Mob" flip-flops, and they cost $42. Can you spot the reason why this is stupid? That's right: you pay ten times what you would pay for a plain pair of flip-flops, in order to have a brand name which is covered by your foot when you are wearing them. I imagine fashion snobs must just hang these flip-flops jauntily over their shoulder instead of slipping them on their feet, so that the logo can shine freely. In fact, the entire idea of paying extra for name-brand flip-flops is a bit ridiculous. But the price tag can get much, much worse than $42. Allow us introduce you to PechePlatinum—the "World's Most Expensive Flip-Flops."

PêchePlatinum uses PêcheBlu's patent pending ultra-sports shoe base with hand-matched crocodile straps for magnificent comfort. These ultimate flip flops are for those who want to express their individuality in a world of mass production.

Who wants to be seen as just another schlub wearing mass-produced flip-flops? "Our customers wanted more flip flop luxury and crocodile worked perfectly to add quiet elegance, which is the essence of our footwear," said the company's CEO, hilariously.

And here they are, in all their glory. They cost $400. Please email us if you spot these on the streets:

Gawker: flip flops

The Perfect Circle of Pseudotrends

"Our customers wanted more flip-flop luxury"