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eat yer puddin
Food: Now Dumber
American food, despite having devolved to the point that it is totally formulated by scientists, manufactured by machines, ergonomically packaged, and full of ingredients that do not occur in the natural world, is still a bit too challenging—and downright complicated—for many of our citizens. So Kraft, which makes many of your favorite brands of junk food, is dumbing down its packaging and product offerings so even the most simple among us can enjoy pudding, Cool Whip, and cheese slices. All together, even! More »
food
Know What Else Sucks About San Francisco? The Pizza
"It costs $482.79 to get a decent pizza in San Francisco—$17 for the pie, $85 for cab fare, and $378.80 for the flight to New York. Throw in $1.99 for tinfoil." Wired's Joe Brown enlists New York chef and pizza hound Mario Batali to figure out just why pizza is one of the many, many things that San Francisco can't get right. "'Californians do a lot of great stuff with their green-market goods,' [says Batali] but 'some of it's just not pizza.' I called the Iron Chef to help me figure out why San Francisco—a formidable food town—can't birth a respectable pie. Part of the reason, of course, is that while Rice-A-Roni and zinfandel are native to Northern California, pizza is not. More »
food
Pope Birthday Cheese Selection Revealed!
A restaurant owner in DC writes an essay about the experience of hosting the Pope's birthday party. He started planing the event six months in advance. He ordered a 12 square-foot cake in the shape of St. Peter's Square that was too beautiful to cut. He even flew to Italy just to get the plates made! The lunch menu included imported Puglia mozzarella, zucchini blossom truffle tagliolini, braised veal cheeks, and orange fallen truffle. Not mentioned: the tip. [WP]
advertising
Only Hot Tub-Brand Snacks Calm The Freaks
I have two major issues with this disquieting viral ad for Hot Tub meat snacks [via Adrants]. First, the name of the product. Disgusting (and real? evidence is spotty). Second, the fact that this faux-documentary by the ad agency Saatchi & Saatchi is an overlong, too smart by half, stereotyped riff on hillbillies who keep an apparently retarded freak girl tied up in the basement. Somehow it just doesn't make me run out and purchase Hot Tub snacks. It can't be helping them in the crucial hillbilly demographic, either. And if it's all an attempt to show off the cleverness of the agency, well, Kentucky has ad clients too! You can watch the strange ad-thing below. Prepare to be offended, Appalachian stereotypes! More »
END TIMES: TERRIFIED CONSUMERS CAUSE RUN ON RICE
The world is running out of food! And not even fancy foods like heirloom cherry tomatoes or Sonic's deep-fried macaroni and cheese bites, but the basic boring foods that it seems like we should have plenty of, like rice. Rice! So Sam's Club, the warehouse division of Wal-Mart, is now "limiting sales of Jasmine, Basmati and long grain white rices." [Reuters]
food
Mmmm, Test Tube Meat
PETA, the animal rights group skilled at making potential supporters forget about its cause because of all the nude women writhing around at the anti-fur PR stunts, is putting up a million-dollar prize for the first researcher who comes up with a good way to make meat in test tubes. Ahhhhhh! Throwupthrowupthrowup. Intellectually, it's clear that test tube-bred animal tissue would be a good way to allow people to have their precious Slim Jims without actually killing cows, and would presumably be chemically similar to normal meat. But really, just the thought of eating "test tube meat"—god, it's painful to even type it. Can't wait for the marketing machine to get started on the euphemisms for that product (suggestions?). After the jump, two clips that sum up my feelings on this issue: The classic "Soylent Green" ingredients scene, and Jim Gaffigan's "Hot Pockets" routine—"How about we fill a pop tart with nasty (test tube) meat? You cook it in a sleeve thing. Dunk it in the toilet." More »
fashion
Kellogg's Cereal Streetwear Is Here At Last
Are you someone who's been frustrated with your inability to display your affection for Kellogg's-brand cereal through the medium of "urban" fashion? Well your problems are solved, my friend. Because "Under The Hood," a hot new clothing line, is here to fill all your Kellogg's-brand cereal fashion needs—with a comically played-out hip hop edge! Behold the flavor overload of Froot Loops track jackets, Honey Smacks "Dig 'Em" jeans, and some of the most embarrassed models in the world: More »
coffee
Starbucks' Ugly Brown Cups Give McDonald's The Opening It Needs
What exactly is Starbucks doing? They came out with their revolutionary, game-changing, not quite as burnt new house coffee last week, which pairs well with chocolate marble loaf. But along with the new $11,000 machines to make said coffee, the Death Star-like chain has introduced new coffee cups, and they're... brown? Was the design consultant who knows how to appeal to yuppies sick the day that decision was made? And now the company has bigger problems: McDonald's is determined to kick Starbucks' ass right where it lives. In Seattle! More »
food
US Restaurants Distract You, Steal Off Your Plate
Restaurants are calling in expert consultants to help them give you less food for the same amount of money. This clearly goes against the American way, which is embodied by the $5.99 Denny's Grand Slam Breakfast. The Washington Post reports that the tough economy is hurting restaurants' revenue across the country, and they're turning to devious tactics like smaller plates, lighter forks, and more vegetables to make you less likely to notice that your steak has gotten smaller. And the menus are being tweaked—apparently we are all psychological sheep. More »
Cheap Steak
Outback Steakhouse has been sending out $25 gift certificates to food bloggers in an apparent attempt to get them to come in and write about the restaurant. Just $25? Cheapskates. It's enough to lead you to believe they're trying to bribe you, but not enough to be an effective bribe. So food bloggers—Just take the money, then write about how your steak tasted like pee. [Endless Simmer]
Why We're Fat
Colleges are now trying to lure prospective students by amping up their dining hall menus, adding fancy foods like lobster and something called "pho." "I didn't apply to Bates, because, well, I ate there, the meal was not very good," says Lucas Braun, a 17-year-old senior at Westtown School. Hey, college food is bad for a reason. So you'll spend less time in the dining hall and more time learning shit. Now get back to studying so we don't have to waste time teaching you everything four years from now when you're our intern.
how things work
Who Does Frank Bruni Have to Blow for a Reservation at Momofuku Ko?
Momofuko Ko is, as NYT food critic Frank Bruni tells us, "a new restaurant from David Chang, and David Chang is at this point the New York restaurant world's equivalent of Tiger Woods or Roger Federer." It has 12 seats. Their democratic Web 2.0 booking system requires everyone—yes, everyone—to go online at 10 a.m. and make reservations for the limited number of seats available that week. We love the idea. No calling Graydon Carter's office for a chance at the Waverly: here's the one place in New York where your precious connections and friends can't get you preferential treatment over the slobbering masses lining up for their share of the fancy chow-time. More »
boycott!
Time Warner Workers Unite For Cafe Fairness!
Break out the picket signs, the corporate scabs, and the Woody Guthrie songs, because it's time for all the proletarians in the Time Warner building to unite for a good old-fashioned boycott! Of the exclusive, employee-only Park Cafe! According to a righteously angry email being passed among CNN employees on the 7th floor, "on April 1 (Next Tuesday) prices are going up, frequent diner cards are being eliminated and the place will now close an hour earlier at 2:30p every day. If ever a situation called for a BOYCOTT... THIS IS IT!" By god, I can almost hear Samuel Gompers and Big Bill Haywood clawing their way out of their graves to rush to these employees' assistance! So what are the workers fighting to protect? An inside tipster describes the Park Cafe's democratic atmosphere: More »
shattered illusions
Food Is Not Always As Advertised
Germans: they have so much time on their hands! Some German guy with a website took the time to photograph the pictures of 100 different food items on their own packaging; then, photograph the actual food item inside. Then, post the whole mess on the internet [Funtasticus via Coudal]. The results, as you might imagine, are frequently disgusting. So we've culled the list for you down to the five biggest disparities between the advertised product and reality. Before you eat any more packaged German food, you must see this: More »
oh no
How to Explain a Recession
One reason for the evergreen popularity of those "explaining the coming financial collapse for dummies" pieces is that 99% of journalists—even on the business beat!—don't know a damn thing about money and finance, and writing these pieces is a convenient way to get paid to try to figure it out. New York weighs in wth "An Idiot's Guide to Financial Crises", the casual version of the New York Times' Can't Grasp Credit Crisis? Join the Club. New York's take is more personal: apparently a recession means that Adam Sternbergh will lose his job! Considerably more alarming: the recession is already causing the prices of cheeseburgers and bagels to skyrocket. [NYM, NYM]
no such thing as a free lunch
'NYT' Reporters Are Just As Cheap As Everyone Else
Midtown Lunch, a food blog devoted to finding Midtown cuisine, tips us that New York Times writers were lining up with Port Authority staffers for free food at Sophie's Cuban on 40th Street between seventh and eighth. They're starving! And they probably even had to walk there! I'm still banned from Whole Foods for taking too many samples. Nice to know that part of me will never change. [via Midtown Lunch]
diets
