I’ve been in Australia filming Big Brother, in which my housemates and I are confined and sealed off from the outside world, much like the chickens who are crammed inside barns for KFC. Fortunately, I won’t be stomped to death, have my legs broken or be scalded to death in a tank of hot water – yet, as PETA’s undercover videos have revealed, the chickens raised for KFC’s restaurants in Australia often suffer these abuses.

Following negotiations with PETA, KFC Canada has agreed to make landmark animal welfare reforms, including phasing in the purchase of 100 per cent of its chicken from suppliers that use controlled-atmosphere killing (CAK), which is the least cruel method of slaughter. KFC Canada has also agreed to implement stricter audits of suppliers, and it will offer a vegan faux-chicken menu item at most of its restaurants. Please use your position as head of KFC in Australia to stop the worst abuses that these birds suffer by asking David Novak, CEO of Yum! Brands, to make the improvements already agreed to by KFC Canada.

[The Superficial, PETA]

Isn't the company info page on the main Hardees.com site a better source of intelligence than the Hardee's Cool Kids website? It has the name as "Wilber," as shown at top and on the left. So even the guy's own company can't figure out the right spelling.

UPDATE: But the main company press release has it as "Wilbur." Aghhhhh!

UPDATE2: (The company press release also gives a date of birth one year earlier than that given by the Times.)

Maybe everyone at Hardee's is so used to just selecting hamburger and french fry icons on those touch-screen ordering stations that they've forgotten how to properly write.

The most fascinating possibility comes from the website Dos Factotum, which theorizes that Hardee might have swung both ways, name-wise. Kinky! But is anyone ever, truly, bi? Maybe Wilbur just couldn't accept that he was really "Wilber," because of, you know, society.

[Dos Factotum]

• Processed french-fry inventor JR Simplot, 99, "natural causes," May.
• Baskin-Robbins founder Irvine Robbins, 90, "complications related to old age," May.
• Lovie Yacey, founder of Fatburger, 96, "pneumonia," February.
• Carl's Jr. founder Carl Karcher, 90, "had Parkinson's disease and was being treated for pneumonia," January.

We left out Popeye's Fried Chicken founder Al Copeland, 64, who died of "malignant salivary gland tumor" in March. But he didn't do too badly at all, especially, as our own Hamilton Nolan pointed out, "for a man with a lifetime diet of fried chicken!" (Ahem.)

So there you go — irrefutable, scientific proof that you not only can but probably should load up on cheeseburgers, ice cream, french fries and hot dogs throughout the summer and really for the rest of your life. Hold the guilt!

[Times]

Chris Coleson of Richmond, VA ate mostly McDonalds' salads and wraps for six months to drop his gut.

Mr. Coleson has not spoken with the fast feeder but said that people on the street ask him if he was inspired by Subway pitchman Mr. Fogle. (He's become something of a local celebrity after a couple of newspaper articles, including a front-page profile in the Richmond-Times Dispatch.) He said the idea was born out of his wife's skepticism at his ability to lose weight.

"I told her I could lose weight eating anywhere," he said. "I told her I could do it eating at McDonald's."

But!

Far from signing him as its next spokesman, McDonald's avoided attaching importance to Mr. Coleson's accomplishment. "There have been numerous success stories like this one, where consumers elected to follow a responsible diet with adequate exercise and incorporated McDonald's food in a very positive way," said McDonald's USA spokeswoman Danya Proud. "We continue to work on helping people understand how to strike the right balance between diet and physical activity."

Dr. Christine Gerbstadt, a spokesperson for the American Dietetic Association, called Mr. Coleson's plan of 1,200 to 1,400 calories per day a "starvation diet."

Ridiculous. So what if it is a starvation diet? That shouldn't dissuade the company from sending Coleson a fat check and sticking him in a couple of commercials. How many other huge weight losers who eat exclusively at your restaurant do you think are going to come along, McD's? Smarten up!

We really don't need another Jared, though. GOD.

[Ad Age, pic via InRich.com]

Hormel doesn't particularly like this explanation. Its executives prefer to attribute any gains to the marketing of the product, and that's probably fair because, when you think about it, Spam isn't simply some cheap generic...

The average price of a can of Spam is up almost 7% to $2.62, or 22¢ per ounce, according to the AP. That makes it costlier than both the average retail price of pork, 18¢ per ounce, and ground beef, 14¢, according to figures from the U.S. Department of Agriculture. Not exactly a bargain.

So if not for sheer necessity, why has Hormel seen Spam sales go up for seven straight quarters? The real answer is heavy marketing from Hormel—including the admirable work being done at Spam.com—and the luck of incredibly high name recognition versus competitors.

Still: the "Spamburger Hamburger" will hopefully die a quick death.

[Ad Age]

See, nobody watches commercials any more, so now companies are making their own entire shows. It's a throwback to the days of the "Toastie Postie Cereal Morning Variety Hour and Talent Competition," and whatnot. The Times looks at two current examples of this exasperating phenomenon: a Dos Equis beer reality show tied to its ad campaign, and the aforementioned Meow Mix Game Show, which is a sure hit among people who just can't get enough Meow Mix information:

The sole commercials during the game show will be from Meow Mix, Mr. Tuza of Del Monte Brands said, but rather than sell the product, they are meant to "educate you on how to be a better pet parent and how to better understand your cat."

You can find audition info for the show here. The ad industry is using your cats against you, urban sophisticates!

[NYT]

#1: Be late with the reviewer's reservation.

He returned at 9:02 with something less than disaster relief. Our table, he said, should be ready in 10 minutes. Never mind that we'd been told at 8:45 that we had five minutes to go. Never mind that Ago has some 110 seats, giving it more flexibility than many restaurants have.

We waited. And waited. One of the hostesses finally fetched us at 9:22. I'll do the math: that's 52 minutes after our reservation.

#2: Spill wine on the reviewer or his friends.

I'm talking about the "Poseidon Adventure" of wine spills. Shelley Winters could have done the backstroke in it. I'm not sure how the bartender set it in motion, and neither was he. He kept marveling at its fury and aftermath: my friend's wine-splashed chin, her wine-soaked skirt, her wine-sopped entirety.

#3: Put the reviewer at the worst table in the house.

She led us to a round table little bigger than a bike wheel. When our four appetizers later arrived and claimed every square millimeter of it, the waiter audibly contemplated balancing a fifth, communal appetizer that we'd ordered on top of our wine glasses.

The table was pressed so close to a column that I couldn't lower my right arm all the way, and if my wine-drenched friend leaned back in her chair, the column obstructed her view of me and mine of her.

#4: Have bad food.

This restaurant isn't in the hospitality business. It's in the attitude business, projecting an aloofness that permeated all of my meals there, nights of wine and poses for swingers on the make, cougars on the prowl and anyone else who values a sort of facile fabulousness over competent service or a breaded veal Milanese with any discernible meat.

The one I had one night was pounded so thin that the breading on top met the breading on the bottom without pausing for much of anything in between. A vegan could have made peace with it.

#5: Have waiters who are jerks.

Then came an entree that perplexed us, a pale slab of meat with one long bone.

"What is this?" asked one of my friends.

"The special veal chop," said the food deliverer.

"But I ordered rack of lamb," my friend said. I had heard him.

"Yes," said the deliverer. "That's rack of lamb."

My friend pressed: which was it?

"It's the special rack-of-lamb veal chop," the deliverer said, at which point we sought deliverance from him and searched for our frequently vanishing waiter, whom I had come to think of as the bucatini Houdini.

[NYT]

FDA Warns Consumers Nationwide Not to Eat Certain Types of Raw Red Tomatoes

The Food and Drug Administration is expanding its warning to consumers nationwide that a salmonellosis outbreak has been linked to consumption of certain raw red plum, red Roma, and red round tomatoes, and products containing these raw, red tomatoes.

FDA recommends that consumers not eat raw red Roma, raw red plum, raw red round tomatoes, or products that contain these types of raw red tomatoes unless the tomatoes are from the sources listed below. If unsure of where tomatoes are grown or harvested, consumers are encouraged to contact the store where the tomato purchase was made. Consumers should continue to eat cherry tomatoes, grape tomatoes, and tomatoes sold with the vine still attached, or tomatoes grown at home.

On June 5, using traceback and other distribution pattern information, FDA published a list of states, territories, and countries where tomatoes are grown and harvested which have not been associated with this outbreak. This updated list includes: Arkansas, California, Georgia, Hawaii, North Carolina, South Carolina, Tennessee, Texas, Belgium, Canada, Dominican Republic, Guatemala, Israel, Netherlands, and Puerto Rico. The list is available at www.fda.gov/oc/opacom/hottopics/tomatoes.html#retailers. This list will be updated as more information becomes available.

FDA's recommendation does not apply to the following tomatoes from any source: cherry, grape, and tomatoes sold with the vine still attached.

FDA recommends that retailers, restaurateurs, and food service operators not offer for sale and service raw red Roma, raw red plum, and raw red round tomatoes unless they are from the sources listed above. Cherry tomatoes, grape tomatoes, and tomatoes sold with the vine still attached, may continue to be offered from any source.

Since mid April, there have been 145 reported cases of salmonellosis caused by Salmonella Saintpaul nationwide, including at least 23 hospitalizations. States reporting illnesses linked to the outbreak include: Arizona, California, Colorado, Connecticut, Idaho, Illinois, Indiana, Kansas, New Mexico, Oklahoma, Oregon, Texas, Utah, Virginia, Washington, and Wisconsin. Salmonella Saintpaul is an uncommon type of Salmonella.

Salmonella can cause serious and sometimes fatal infections particularly in young children, frail or elderly people, and those with weakened immune systems. Healthy persons often experience fever, diarrhea (which may be bloody), nausea, vomiting, and abdominal pain. In rare circumstances, the organism can get into the bloodstream and produce more severe illnesses. Consumers who have recently eaten raw tomatoes or foods containing raw tomatoes and are experiencing any of these symptoms should contact their health care provider. All Salmonella infections should be reported to state or local health authorities.

FDA recognizes that the source of the contaminated tomatoes may be limited to a single grower or packer or tomatoes from a specific geographic area. FDA also recognizes that there are many tomato crops across the country and in foreign countries that will be ready for harvest or will become ready in the coming months. In order to ensure that consumers can continue to enjoy tomatoes that are safe to eat, FDA is working diligently with the states, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, the Indian Health Service, and various food industry trade associations to quickly determine the source of the tomatoes associated with the outbreak.

FDA is taking these actions while the agency continues to investigate this outbreak with state and federal partners. Such actions are a key component of FDA's Food Protection Plan, a scientific and risk-based approach to strengthen and protect the nation's food supply.

FDA will continue to issue updates as more specific information becomes available.

Karlin signed a contract for a book that was going to be tie-in for a new PBS series called "Spain ... on the Road Again," which starred flame-haired fatty celebuchef Batali and blonde actress Gwyneth Paltrow.

But in November 2007, a conflict arose when Mr. Pinsky allowed Mr. Batali to engage designers for the book, including one of Mr. Batali's relatives, instead of leaving the design to Mr. Karlin, as previously agreed, the lawsuit states. Mr. Karlin contends that Mr. Batali also expected him to write the book in its entirety, and refused to contribute recipes, pictures, or other material to the project, claiming to be too busy.

When Mr. Karlin asked to lessen his involvement in the book, the lawsuit states, Mr. Batali asked that the writer be fired from the project. He has not been paid, and is suing for $125,000, including the cost of two trips to Spain, according to the lawsuit.

Well, it sounds like Batali really flaked out here, and Karlin deserves to be paid for his hard work. Unless he's just making it up because he's, you know, a little bit of a dick.

[NYS; pic via NY]

• "a nonsmoking Japanese man drinking his coffee with an alcoholic beverage—another slowing agent—would likely feel caffeinated 'about five times longer than an Englishwoman who smoked cigarettes but did not drink or use oral contraceptives.'"
• "(Unhealthy behaviors, too, tend to stick together: Fewer than 5 percent of smokers eat breakfast daily.)"

We can't wait for the Brunch issue!

What Good is Breakfast? [NYM]

All Nude Private Club!

To whom it may concern:

I would like to proudly announce the opening of my first adult club, COUSIN VINNY'S LITTLE SECRET! This private club located at [REDACTED] in the Bronx, NY is the first of it's kind. During the day it is an extraordinary "Subway style submarine sandwiche shop" offing the highest quality meats along with the freshly baked bread that you would expect from the offspring of a longtime Subway Restaurant. In fact this was a Subway franchise up until May 2008 when we were disenfranchised due to politics and differences of opinion as far as marketing is concerned.

At 10 PM Wednesday through Saturday this seemingly harmless sub shop becomes the wildly, exotic and explicit, all nude private club "COUSIN VINNY'S LITTLE SECRET". The club is located in the rear, private area of the restaurant and is strictly PRIVATE! You must pay a one time fee of $20 to become a member. Some of the advantages of membership are the following: unlimited access to the semi private lap dance rooms, 6 hours of non stop, hardcore, live action from some o the most beautiful young ladies who have ever chosen to take their clothes off in public, a bring your own booze policy that will save you a heck of a lot of money in comparison to the average club, unlimited fountain soda for your mixers, a footlong sandwiche of your choice, and a discrete and totally safe atmosphere to indulge in your carnal fantasies. Our ladies are eager to please and not to mention the fact that Cousin Vinny Agnello has been a leader in the erotic arts for over 15 years. He has been called, "the creme de la creme" of the adult industry by famous celebrity, Tony Kornheiser from Monday Night Football fame! Cousin Vinny Agnello was ever referred to as a "celebrity" by Diggs.com, a very famous website. Cousin Vinny for years has been in the eye of the storm of controversy — taking on such famous law enforcement officials as Jeanine Pirro, who tried in vain to take Cousin Vinny down. Cousin Vinny Agnello is controversial, entertaining, and fun. He does not take the media attention too seriously but is the first to tell the best and most interesting life stories. Cousin Vinny is most of all known for his high QUALITY FEMALES! Why don't you stop by and meet Cousin Vinny and find out why this former soap opera actor and male stripper has such notoriety. Come to our grand opening! Sit in a prive 24 seat theatre and watch the ladies bathe together in the see through shower, or watch them indulge in their lesbian fantasies! It's all there and more at COUSIN VINNY'S LITTLE SECRET PRIVATE CLUB AT [REDACTED]. MEMBERSHIP HAS IT'S PRIVILEDGES!

PS: the first 24 gentlemen to arrive on show nights will be admitted on a first come first serve basis. Admission is $50. We advise all patrons to please call for reservations in advance. Cannot remember our phone number? Simply call information for the number to the Subway Restaurant on East Tremont Avenue in the Bronx! Hope to see you soon!

Sincerely,

Your friend with the ladies,
Cousin Vinny Angello

The miracle berries go for $2-3 each. But a single one makes everything in the world taste sweet. And the tasting parties have barely concealed orgiastic overtones:

He believes that the best way to encounter the fruit is in a group. "You need other people to benchmark the experience," he said. At his first party, a small gathering at his apartment in January, guests murmured with delight as they tasted citrus wedges and goat cheese. Then things got trippy.

"You kept hearing 'oh, oh, oh,' " he said, and then the guests became "literally like wild animals, tearing apart everything on the table."

"It was like no holds barred in terms of what people would try to eat, so they opened my fridge and started downing Tabasco and maple syrup," he said.

[NYT. You can buy em wholesale here.]

The cookie had lost out to rival Oreo due to Nabisco's far larger advertising budget for Oreo, as well as its odd name, Hydrox devotees believe. "A good product name for a toilet cleaner, maybe, but a cookie?" says Dan Lerner, a 75-year-old retired radio-station owner and Hydrox fan in Merion, Pa...

An informal Oreo-Hydrox blind taste test by 20 Journal reporters resulted in 14 favoring Oreo, citing its sweeter taste. The sample Hydrox cookies were supplied by Kellogg.

A Web site that recently listed the top 25 things people miss ranked Hydrox at No. 4, just behind in-store lunch counters and ahead of Howard Johnson restaurants and the popcorn snack "Screaming Yellow Zonkers."

[WSJ]

The sandwich is a breaded chicken breast garnished with two pickles — exactly what Chick-fil-A offers. It was thought up by a group of McDonald's franchisees in Atlanta, where Chick-fil-A is based. And it comes in breakfast biscuit or sandwich form, just as it does at Chick-fil-A.

According to Chick-fil-A, a promotion in the Atlanta area for McDonald's has promoted the fact that the Southern Style Chicken Sandwiches are available on days ending in "y" — an interesting approach, given that Chick-fil-A restaurants are closed on Sundays.

Chik-fil-A is so bruised by this fight that now they've "focused on its own new menu effort, a line of healthy foods." What is happening to the world when Chik-fil-A offers healthy foods? You have to feel for the little guys. Thankfully, McDonald's hasn't yet figured out the real life Southern Chicken Sandwich recipe: chicken-fried chicken, on white bread, topped with American Cheese, topped with barbecue sauce, topped with gravy. Microwave and re-fry. Enjoy four.

[NYT]

The Shreddies spots:

The detective!:

Ethanol, the stupid fuel that the government loves for some reason, is going to take up 40% of next year's corn crop. Movie theaters make nearly half of their money from concessions, and a third of that money comes from popcorn sales. When concession prices go up, people buy less, "forcing" theater owners to raise their ticket prices. Eye opener:

In an interview with the Los Angeles Times in March, Mike Campbell, CEO of Regal Entertainment, the nation's largest theater chain, conceded as much: "If we didn't charge as much for concessions as we did, the tickets to the movies would cost $20." (According to the MPAA, last year's average movie-ticket price was $6.88.)

Three things immediately come to mind:

1. $6.88 average ticket price? In that case, how about just raising the prices everywhere that people pay $6.88? NYC is over eleven bucks already. Give us a break. Those heartland types probably bring their own corn, anyhow.

2. Considering the fact that "popcorn and soda are already at an 80% markup," how much of an economic imperative is this, really? Theaters can't eat any price increase on an item that's marked up by 80%? How about lowering the price of Reese's Pieces, then?

3. Iron Man was a worthwhile film.

[Read the full, excellent story at Ad Age]

[Fabulously40]

Advertising and restaurant executives point to several reasons that neither campaign was a hit. The bizarre red wig commercials were too much of a departure from Wendy's folksy brand; the apple was not a strong enough image to represent Applebee's. It is unlikely, though, that either one would have been ended so quickly in better economic times.

Instead, both marketers have opted for a more recession-proof approach: glamour shots of food that are intended to make mouths water and prompt consumers to reach for their wallets.

THEY WILL BE MISSED. Wait; no.

[NYT; disclosure: I once worked with Doug Quenqua, author of this article.]

"Well, Bob, what a great day for the commonwealth of Kentucky and the world. On behalf of Taco Bell, Pizza Hut, KFC, Long John Silver's and A&W, Yum Brands is the proud sponsor of the greatest event in the world. Thank you very much," he said, ticking off Yum's brand names.

By the time Mr. Novak spoke, though, bloggers, reporters and NBC itself were already telling of the collapse of Eight Belles, who broke down after finishing second and was euthanized.

Online commenters pilloried Yum for its seeming insensitivity.

"Based on the YUM reps' disgraceful smiling and product plugging — while Eight Belles was dying yards away from them — I'll never buy ANY of their products again," wrote one.

"I'm happy that the CEO of Yum is just smiling and not even caring that a horse was just killed on the track," wrote another.

[NYT]

Kraft's feedback from consumers indicated their food "wasn't easy enough." So they're rolling out a big marketing campaign to unveil fantastic new obesity generators in their product line:

Take, for example, Cool Whip, which comes in a large tub that must be kept in the freezer. Consumers didn't want to have to take that trying trip to the freezer every time they wanted a dollop, so they'd either skip the topping or went with a canned brand. Kraft's solution: a Cool Whip aerosol, so consumers can reach into the fridge and easily squeeze out a topper for their cookie, brownie or piece of fruit.

There's also frozen cheese-filled bagels, a newer, easier way to pull cheese slices out of the package, and "Goldfish Mac N' Cheese crackers, shaped like macaroni noodles but in cracker form." And what about those new single-serving packets of Jell-O powder—just add to milk and stir in. It's educational!

Janet Myers, senior director-Kraft Kitchens, said the product is aimed at moms who want to make after-school snacks for their kids without having to wait for the Jell-O to congeal in the fridge. There is, however, some work involved in the preparation — but, luckily, the kids can do it. "They like the interactivity of the stirring," she said, noting that the individual packs aid in portion control.

[via Ad Age—and a special shout out to reporter Emily Bryson York for achieving a reasonable level of disdain in her tone in this story. Well done.]

"'New York has a grand tradition of pizza making and holds it dear,' Batali says. Which means institutions like Arturo's have been using the same equipment for decades. 'An oven captures the gestalt of beautifully cooked pizza. And it imparts that.'" While we're at it, Chicago-style "pizza" isn't pizza at all but a nasty cheese stew served in a soggy dough bucket. [Wired]

[pics via Daily Mail UK]

Siegner, who is naturally slim, is halfway through his experiment, hasn't gained any weight and says his cholesterol, triglycerides and other such things are all still good.

Why's he doing this?

"We decided to take on a serious research topic, obesity, but we wanted to package it in an interesting way. Research doesn't have to read like a 10K," Siegner said.

I can write this guy's findings in advance: working-class people who eat too much fast food just need to remember to make it in to Equinox at least three times a week and not blow off their personal trainer appointments. Obesity crisis solved!

[Post]

[via Satchel of Gravel]

McD's has launched UnSnobbyCoffee.com, a site targeted to Seattle-area consumers who are fed up with all those snobby coffee chains. Do such consumers exist in Seattle? McD's is betting they do, and they're trying to lure them in with a coupon for a free, unsobby espresso. From a "McCafe." On the site, you can also put together an absolutely devilish madlibs-style "intervention" note for a friend, telling them to stop buying those "hoity-toity" drinks and head on down to McD's for a "bootylicious" espresso beverage! Outrageous!

At the end of the day, most Seattle residents would rather have a coupon for free crystal meth.

"The first thing I tell them is to round up every price that ends with 95 cents to 99 cents. You've got an item $10.95, raise it to $10.99. If it's $7.75, make it $7.79. All the chains have done it — Applebee's, Chili's, all of them. It's just four cents and your customers won't notice, but that could easily mean $5,000 to $15,000 a year for the restaurant."

There's a science to where on the menu you display that price, too, he says. Take a typical two-column menu: The description of the food is on the left, and the price is an inch or two from the description, on the right. Bad idea, says Mentzer. Get rid of the second column, he recommends, and put the price at the end of the sentence that describes the dish.

"You want people to read the price after they've read the description," he explains, "not before."

Spelling out prices on the menu instead of printing them in numerals supposedly also helps people buy more, but I always thought it was a damning sign of pretentiousness. In any case, the article is quick to point out that this is aimed strictly at increasing the food industry's profit margins, not at making Americans any more fit or less fat than we already are. Relax, fat Americans.