The Simon Wiesenthal Center is closing in on the few remaining survivors of modern history's greatest atrocity, aiming to weed out the last few WWII Nazis hiding in America before they are "too sick to bring to trial." On the one hand, these former Nazis have worked hard to escape their past and become upstanding members of society. On the other hand, they did keep malnourished concentration camp prisoners from escaping using attack dogs. Kiiiinda hard to let that slide.

Old School Putridity
The info comes about because John Demjanjuk, an 89-year-old former Ohio auto worker, was charged last week with war crimes after being shipped back to the Vaterland. Today, he looks like everyone's grandpa, slightly befuddled and snoozing in a haggard armchair. Except...well... he's been charged with participating in Nazi death camp murders in 1943. Not exactly the fine, upstanding life of the world's former oldest man.

New School Excrescence
Meanwhile last week, authorities nabbed 33-year-old Mickey Louis Mayer, the triple threat White Supremacist, KKK Member and Neo-Nazi who's also a card carrying member of the FBI's 100-Most Wanted List. This freak fled America to become an illegal alien in, of all places, Israel! After hiding out in Tel Aviv's hippie community, he felt that loving feelin' and started courting a Jewish Israeli gal. Repentant? Hardly. On finding out he impregnated her, he went batshit crazy at the thought of having a half-Jewish kid, spilled the beans, and girlfriend ran to the authorities. Mayon is being shipped back to America TONIGHT.

We also frickin' frakin' freakin' hope the same rigorous effort is being expended to ferret out the Neo-Nasty racists who proudly proclaim their hate in our very military.

Nazis! They're our neighbors, our grandpas, our soldiers, the father of our children. Stop the fucking madness!

[More at Advertolog, via Adfreak]

Munger, who writes the Progressive Alaska blog, told me Palin is not just a creationist, but a "young Earth" creationist who believes that man and dinosaurs once shared the planet, and that the world will end in her lifetime...

"She doesn't believe in science, and her father was a science teacher," Munger said. "She told me she felt she would see Jesus in her lifetime."

How novel! Then Lopez interacted with the local merchants:

She's doing her part for the McCain-Palin ticket by selling a $4.95 bumper sticker she and her husband designed, complete with a depiction of a blond who looks like a hooker to me. The sticker reads:

"I Thinc Im Gunna Vote Four Oboma Cuz Thems Hollywood Peoples Like Him."

Do you smell that? It's AMERICA.

[LAT]

In closing arguments, Kelly's attorney banged on the jury box with his fist, yelled and whispered, laughed and pleaded for more than in hour in his emotion-filled closing.

At one point, Sam Adam Jr. referred to a defense argument made repeatedly during the trial that a mole on the singer's back proved he simply can't be the man in the video.

After displaying a freeze frame of the man's back in the video — with no apparent mole — Adam walked over to the defense table and placed his hand on Kelly's shoulder.

"The truth be told, there is no mole ... that means one thing," Adam told jurors, then paused and lowered his voice. "It ain't him. And if it ain't him, you can't convict."

Prosecutors wrapped up their arguments the same way they began them a month ago: by playing the entire graphic sex tape in open court.

[CNN.com]

• I would change the age of consent.

  Two who were kicked off offered this philosophy, one going so far as to suggest that "nature already had an age of [sexual] consent: puberty."

• I (heart) R. Kelly.

  Nothing gets prospective jurors booted faster than telling the prosecution they are a fan of Kelly's. Just ask the woman who called him a "musical genius." When prodded to say something negative about Kelly, the best she could come up with was: "He and [rapper] Jay-Z don't get along?" Prosecutors bounced her soon after.

• I'll change my vacation plans.

  Overeagerness to serve on the jury is a definite red flag to attorneys. When one man offered to rearrange a trip to see his parents, the prosecution bounced him for being star-struck.

• Please call my mom.

  When one juror failed to show up for service, deputies called his house and his mother answered. She told the court that she didn't know where her son was and that he hadn't been "right" since he was shot in the head a while back. The judge and attorneys agreed to let him off the hook.

• I blame R. Kelly for Sept. 11.

  When the judge asked one prospective juror about his feelings regarding Kelly, he cryptically answered: "R. Kelly may have led the Taliban in attacking us on 9-11, but you can't prove it." You're right, we can't. In fact, we're fairly certain that no one has ever tried.

Skip the intro, I've already told you what's going on. The best bit is at 8:40, when Sargent asks where Santa lives, and you can tell he's not sure if the Hollow Earther is going to contradict him.

Tamilee Webb, a fitness instructor in San Diego, teaches three to four times a week. One of her students repeats this mantra before each workout: "It's hard body time — 1, 2, 3 woof!" When he's not doing cardio, his shoes must be untied. He always wears sweat pants, which he tucks behind the tongues of his sneakers (Nike, of course). And his hat is always on backward.

Tom Holland, 38, an exercise physiologist in Darien, Conn., recalled the "very particular" client who requested that he hand him weights with the numbers pointing up. "I had to stand a certain way in front of him, and he paid me to run next to him while he wore an iPod," Mr. Holland recalled.

All the extras have cleft lips, apparently, and no discernable jobs! The women are "sickly skinny" and the men are "gin-blossomed."

"It's Dorchester by way of Diane Arbus," Keefe says, and also it does for Boston "what Deliverance did for Appalachia." Whoops!

Sure, Ben cast mostly real locals he saw wandering around this blue-collar neighborhood to play locals found wandering around this blue-collar neighborhood, but couldn't he have cleaned 'em up a little? He got rid of all the Vietnamese people, how hard would it be to find an semi-attractive extra from Cambridge or somewhere to ship in?

Ben Affleck's Boston [Slate]

This week's TCA press tour events have already provided us with so many memorable moments, from ABC's Steve McPherson's enthusiasm for bumping off Michelle Rodriguez to NBC's Kevin Reilly's mental coping strategies for dealing with his Idol problem to Aaron Sorkin's disdain for the opinions of the unemployed, that to add still more to the already lengthy highlight reel feels greedy. But a panel earlier today for The CW's The Pussycat Dolls Present: The Search For the Next Doll, the fledgling network's attempt to empower a new generation of feminists to nurture their inner, "Don't Cha"-inspired freaks on national television, easily cracks our crowded TCA best-of list, as frustrated executive producer McG (you know him better as the visionary behind the Charlie's Angels films) eagerly debated the assembled critics on the up-with-skanks virtues of his forthcoming series. Reports the Critical Eye blog:

"Not everything is going to solve the crisis in the Middle East," he says, almost certainly not for the first time in his career. "Sometimes you want to have some fun ... and women celebrating one another being beautiful, and, frankly, being appreciated by me, has been around for a long time. Under no circumstances is it shameful. And there's even a position to take that this is, frankly, third-wave feminism. You know what I mean?"

The critics don't know what he means.

One middle-aged critic asks how lyrics like, "Don't you wish you were a freak like me?" celebrates women.

"You must understand the fundamental paradox of a gentleman of your age demo asking that very question," McG says. "I don't know if you two-way your friends on your Sidekick ... It's just saying, 'Don't you wish your girlfriend could be free and comfortable in her own skin and do her own thing like me?' That's what we're saying."

In the interest of helping to settle this generational impasse over the meaning of the word "freak," we turn to Urban Dictionary, pop culture's up-to-the-minute lexicon, which defines the term alternately as "a person who likes to do kinky shit in bed or have sex a lot" and "a girl most likely that likes to act all innocent then she has sex with you and she is real freaky or kinky, she likes to have sex alot and do weird stuff." If this non-two-way-Sidekicking relic from a demographically undesirable audience segment can't see how the unabashed, televised pursuit of freakdom celebrates women, The CW isn't the least bit interested in his viewership.

• McG vs. Critics: Aspirational or Skanks? [Critical Eye]