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"The Words 'a', 'and', and 'the' Are Not Included in the Rate"
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flathead
06/19/09

In reply to "The Words 'a', 'and', and 'the' Are Not Included in the Rate"
that macro makes it too easy! let the chump pay someone to sit and count all of the discounted words!
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iplaudius
06/19/09

@Rozelle's Bagman: Thanks! The adverb counter would be a more involved project, because you’d need to refer to a dictionary of adverbs. (Looking for the -ly suffix wouldn’t cut it, because so many adverbs don’t have that ending, and there are a handful of adjectives that do: e.g., goodly, daily, early, etc.) Probably you’d count -ly words, minus known -ly adjectives, plus a dictionary (or array) of non- -ly adverbs.
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iplaudius
06/19/09

@flathead: You’re right. I had in mind that the writer would use it, not the publisher.
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iplaudius
06/19/09

In reply to "The Words 'a', 'and', and 'the' Are Not Included in the Rate"
Microsoft Word needs a "Cheapskate Word Count" feature.

Actually, here's a macro, if you want:

Sub cheapskateWordCount()

'

' cheapskateWordCount Macro

' 6/19/2009 by iplaudius for Gawker readers and pitiful freelance writers

'

Dim lngWordCount As Long

Dim lngCheapskateWordCount As Long

Dim strContent As String, strCheapskateContent

Dim vntCheapskateWords As Variant, vntCheapskateWord As Variant

lngWordCount = 0

lngCheapskateWordCount = 0

' Get WordCount

strContent = VBA.Trim(Application.ActiveDocument.Content)

If strContent vbNullString Then

lngWordCount = Len(strContent) - Len(Replace(strContent, " ", "")) + 1

End If

' Get CheapskateWordCount

vntCheapskateWords = _

Array("a" _

, "an" _

, "the" _

, "of" _

)

strCheapskateContent = strContent

If strContent vbNullString Then

For Each vntCheapskateWord In vntCheapskateWords

strCheapskateContent = Replace(strCheapskateContent, " " & CStr(vntCheapskateWord) & " ", " ")

Next vntCheapskateWord

lngCheapskateWordCount = Len(strCheapskateContent) - Len(Replace(strCheapskateContent, " ", "")) + 1

End If

MsgBox "Words in active document : " & Format(lngWordCount, "#,##0") & vbCrLf & _

"Cheapskate words in active document : " & Format(lngCheapskateWordCount, "#,##0")

End Sub
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iplaudius
06/19/09

@iplaudius: Oops, the greater than, less than, and ampersand symbols got stripped out. Well, message me or email me (see my profile) if you want the macro.
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Rozelle’s Bagman
06/19/09

@iplaudius: That's so awesome. Write one for adverbs next.
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iplaudius
06/19/09

@Rozelle's Bagman: Whoops -- my reply to you is posted below flathead’s comment.
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lobstr
06/19/09

In reply to "The Words 'a', 'and', and 'the' Are Not Included in the Rate"
The workaround hack would be to use "along with" instead of "and" and being super-descriptive instead of "a/the" ..

so instead of saying "A kayak and rower will take you to the hotel", swap out those worthless articles and exchange them for more wordy variations.. a double-word-score! .. "Beautifully adorned kayaks along with their rowers will take you to wherever you are staying, provided it is riverfront." .. but even still, a 400 word essay on the birdwatching paradise of Kota Kinabalu would only net you $60.
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HiredGoons
06/19/09

In reply to "The Words 'a', 'and', and 'the' Are Not Included in the Rate"
Doesn't this just encourage asinine verbosity? Does it? It does, doesn't!? It does.
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If_I_Had_a_Poodle
06/19/09

@HiredGoons:

did someone say asinine verbosity?

Presenter (Graham Chapman):

Good evening.

CAPTION:

"THRUST - A QUITE CONTROVERSIAL LOOK AT THE WORLD AROUND US"

Presenter:

I have with me tonight Anne Elk. Mrs Anne Elk.

Miss Elk:

(John Cleese, as a very prim lady)

Miss.

SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION:

"ANNE ELK"

Presenter:

You have a new theory about the brontosaurus.

Miss Elk:

Can I just say here Chris for one moment that I have a new theory about the brontosaurus?

Presenter:

Er... exactly.

(he gestures but she does not say anything)

What is it?

Miss Elk:

Where? (looks round)

Presenter:

No, no. Your new theory.

Miss Elk:

Oh, what is my theory?

Presenter:

Yes.

Miss Elk:

Oh what is my theory that it is.

Well Chris you may well ask me what is my theory.

Presenter:

I am asking.

Miss Elk:

Good for you. My word yes.

Well Chris, what is it that it is - this theory of mine. Well, this is what it is - my theory that I have, that is to say, which is mine, is mine

Presenter:

(beginning to show signs of exasperation)

Yes, I know it's yours, what is it?

Miss Elk:

Where? Oh, what is my theory? This is it.

(clears throat at some length)

My theory that belongs to me is as follows.

(clears throat at great length)

This is how it goes.

The next thing I"m going to say is my theory. Ready?

Presenter:

Yes!

Miss Elk:

My theory by A. Elk. Brackets Miss, brackets.

This theory goes as follows and begins now.

All brontosauruses are thin at one end, much thicker in the middle and then thin again at the far end. That is my theory, it is mine, and belongs to me and I own it, and what it is too.

Presenter:

That's it, is it?

Miss Elk:

Stop on, Chris.

Presenter:

Well, er, this theory of yours appears to have hit the nail on the head.

Miss Elk:

And it's mine.

Presenter:

Yes, thank you very much for coming along to the studio. Thank you.

Miss Elk:

My pleasure, Chris ....

Presenter:

Next week Britain's newist wasp farm ...

Miss Elk:

It's been a lot of fun.

Presenter:

Yes, thank you very much.

Miss Elk:

Saying what my theory is.

Presenter:

Yes, thank you.

Miss Elk:

And whose it is.

Presenter:

Yes, thank you - that's all - thank you... opens next week.

Miss Elk:

I have another theory.

Presenter:

Yes.

Miss Elk:

Called my second theory, or my theory number two.

Presenter:

Thank you. Britian's newest wasp farm...

Miss Elk:

This second theory which was the one that I had said...

Presenter:

(the phone rings; he answers)

Yes, no I'm trying...

Miss Elk:

Which I could expound without doubt.This second theory which, with the one which I just said, forms the brace of theories which I own and which belong to me, goes like this...

Presenter:

(looking at his shoe)

9 and a half, wide fitting... Balleys of Bond Street.

What? No, sort of brogue.

Miss Elk:

This is what it is.

(clears throat)

Presenter:

8 and a half.

Miss Elk:

This is it...

(lots of noisy throat clearing)

The Presenter rises and leaves the set to go next door to the travel agents set, leaving Miss Elk behind for a moment.

Bounder is still on the phone.

His other phone rings; he answers it.

Bounder:

Hello, yes ... yes ...

The presenter enters the travel set. The tourist is still droning on from a previous sketch and Bounder is still on the phone.

Tourist:

(carrying on all through the scene below)

...and the Spanish Tourist Board promises you that the raging choloera epidemic is mearly a case of mild Spanish tummy, like the last outbreak of Spanish tummy in 1660 which killed half London and descimated Europe, and meanwhile the bloody Guardia are busy arresting 16-year-olds for kissing in the streets and shooting anyone under 19 who doesn't like Franco...

The Presenter approaches Bounder.

Presenter:

The Fire Brigade are here. They're coming!

Bounder:

Hello! No, no, no I think they are all part of the British Shoe Corporation now.

Miss Elk follows the Presenter in.

Miss Elk:

Chris, this other theory of mine which is mine like

the other one I also own. The second theory...

The Fire Brigade enter and the secretary goes to greet them. They speak to her and she takes off her shoe to check the size.

Meanwhile...

Miss Elk:

My second theory states that Fire Brigade choirs

seldom sing songs about Marcel Proust.

With only a half-beat pause the Fire Brigade starts singing the Proust song. After the usual number of lines we hear the gong.

Voice Over (Eric):

Start again.

The looney looks into the scene on overlay and waves at the camera just as we fade to black. We hold black for a few seconds and then the looney leans in to the black and waves again before fading away.
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Kid Twist
06/19/09

In reply to "The Words 'a', 'and', and 'the' Are Not Included in the Rate"
I thought this was a very, very, very, very, very, very, very interesting post.
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TouchedByAnOctopus
06/19/09

In reply to "The Words 'a', 'and', and 'the' Are Not Included in the Rate"
Of course this tailless monkey doesn't want to pay. Most of these Mongoloid devils would kill their own mothers over a peso. It's the nature of the yellow man.Give them something shiny to play with and they forget all other indignities. The Flips are just overweight examples of how island living weakens the constitution and mind.
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pantsonfireliarliar
06/19/09

@TouchedByAnOctopus: Disemvowel please?
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Pope John Peeps II
06/19/09

@pantsonfireliarliar: I think that was sarcasm, but I can't tell what the point of it was.
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BadUncle
06/19/09

In reply to "The Words 'a', 'and', and 'the' Are Not Included in the Rate"
At least they're not making such rulings by the vowel.
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HiredGoons
06/19/09

@BadUncle: sometimes Y.
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Carol Gardens
06/19/09

In reply to "The Words 'a', 'and', and 'the' Are Not Included in the Rate"
It depends on what their payment for "is" is.
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Nice Beaver
06/19/09

In reply to "The Words 'a', 'and', and 'the' Are Not Included in the Rate"
That's stupidest saddest thing I've heard in while. What kick in balls!
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