Madonna explains what she looks for in a lover. Cuba Gooding's gay makeout partner speaks. Mariah Carey doesn't feel pretty unless she can "feel my bones." Kim Kardashian's former publicist stabs in her the back. Thursday gossip tells all.
Somehow Simon Rich does the impossible. Truly remarkable. Also today: a new role for Cynthia Nixon, a new theater role for Hugh Jackman, Daniel Radcliffe is a German, Apes finds its Fay Wray, and the Oscars might be changing forever.
Joe Jackson: dick, obviously. That Slumdog Millionaire kid, the theory: huge wang. Levi Johnston: famously awaited dong. Jon Gosselin, dickfore. King Bloomberg? You tell me. Paula Abdul, Fergie, Josh Duhamel, Adam Duritz, DMX. Presenting your Dicktacular Saturday Morning Gossip Roundup.
• An Italian photographer is accusing Naomi Campbell of sending him to the hospital after she allegedly clobbered him with her handbag and scratched his eye with her nails. Naturally, this sort of behavior is totally unlike Campbell and couldn't possibly be true. [Daily Mail]
• Billy Joel is supposedly "completely…
Beyonce walking into Ricky's to do a little shopping ... Anne Hathaway and boyfriend Adam Shulman talking a walk in the East Village ... Jennifer Aniston eating a salad on the set of The Bounty ... Rihanna and Katy Perry eating dinner at Philippe ... Demi Lovato getting out of an SUV in front of her hotel ... Jennifer…
• Jesus Luz isn't making many friends with his fellow male models. At an event last week, the other models in the room were "gossiping like catty girls" about his "big, swollen head," and bitching that he's only booking work because of his relationship with Madonna. Really, you think? [NYDN]
• Lindsay Lohan flew to…
The spring has everyone lovestruck: Freida Pinto hooked up with a Slumdog co-star, Lindsay Lohan yearned for Samantha Ronson and Condoleeza Rice had a non-date date with a musician.
• Gwyneth Paltrow's latest goal? To get Mario Batali to lose weight, apparently. She's supposedly already given him a free membership to the gym she's opening with Tracy Anderson, since he's "the only fat friend she has, and wants him to change." [P6]
• Poor Jennifer Aniston has been "holed up" in her room at the…
Zac Efron continues his reign of mild terror, Freida Pinto is cool beans, George Lopez gets a talk show (shudder), and two fine actors will play two fine politicians in a flick about the Clintons.
• Matt Lauer's "deer incident" won't keep him down for long. He's reportedly in "good spirits" after undergoing surgery yesterday to repair a separated shoulder and will be back to work in a few days. [Star]
• How did Bruce Willis meet his new wife, Emma Heming? He picked her out during a casting call, just like any…
• Did Kelly Killoren Bensimon ask her boyfriend to lie about getting beat up so she could use it as a PR ploy to "better her chances of being asked back" on Real Housewives next season? That's what her bitchy co-stars are saying as part of a PR ploy to get the attention turned back on themselves. [NYDN]
• Estée…
• Kimora Lee Simmons and Djimon Hounsou are married. Sort of. The couple reportedly traveled to Africa last summer to tie the knot in a secret ceremony, but the marriage isn't valid in the US since Kimora was still married to Russell Simmons at the time. But Djimon went shopping for an engagement ring last week, so…
Liev Schreiber "sifting" through the trash near his Noho apartment ... Jeremy Piven walking with girlfriend Ashley Chontos in Soho ... Brad Pitt arriving at JFK to board a flight ... Brooke Shields shopping on Madison Avenue ... Slumdog Millionaire's Freida Pinto walking around Midtown with an H&M shopping bag in…
Casting has been announced for the movie version of Damn Yankees, the baseball musical. Jake Gyllenhaal will sing! Also in casting news are Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg, a Woody Allen movie, and Gossip Girl.
• Get the welcome wagon ready: Jennifer Aniston may be moving to New York soon, both to be closer to John Mayer and because she's filming her next two movies here. [Fox 411]
• A bunch of people who attended Madonna, Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher's Oscars party at Guy Oseary's house ended up leaving early and heading…
• Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer made their first awards show appearance together at last night's Oscars, sitting just 12 seats away from Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, although they managed to avoid a run-in by skipping the red carpet and showing up at different pre-show parties over the weekend. [People, NYDN]
• …
• Bruce Wasserstein has been keeping busy. In between splitting up with his third wife and marrying his fourth, he found the time to have a baby with a recent Columbia Business School grad, with whom he's now sharing custody of a 10-month-old girl. [P6]
• The LAPD have launched an investigation into who leaked a…
• It isn't easy being a disposable reality TV star. At the Jill Stuart show on Monday, a publicist barked "Show your fucking ring!" to Bethenny Frankel as The Real Housewives of New York star was getting her photo taken. She's probably used to the abuse, though. Frankel later told a reporter that she used to babysit…
Madonna's current boyfriend, six-year-old 22-year-old schoolboy model Jesus Pinto da Luz, has been stolen, his parents claim. He's not allowed to call them and is being held captive at the singer's Maldives lair.
Freida Pinto Gets Whitewashed By VF [Extrawhoredinary via Jezebel]
Related: Did Vanity Fair lighten Beyonce's skin? [MSNBC]
