Ha, check out this zinger unleashed by short billionaire Michael "Mike" Bloomberg:

Fort Wayne, Indiana is a town divided today. The city decided to put the naming of its new government center to a public vote; voters chose to name the building for one of the town's former mayors, who served four terms from the 1930s through the 1950s.

A Turkish man living in Germany fled to the local police station this week seeking protection from his wife, whose insatiable demands for sex have caused him to sleep on the couch for the past four years. Wacky, wacky stuff.

Craig Rowin is a Brooklyn comedian who writes for The Onion. Last November, he posted this Youtube video that simply asked for some rich person to give him a million dollars. Now he says: someone is. Really, Craig Rowin? Really?

Having conquered all of America—from Oprah fans to coed buttocks—chicken byproduct purveyor KFC now has plans to double the number of stores it has in Africa over the next three years. Ohhh, in Africa, huh?

This new ad could appear on one million blogs, and each would carry the same headline. We believe this ad was created simply to facilitate this headline. Why else? Anyhow. Scotch tape: for oral sex. [Copyranter]

The New York Times: brave enough to write a story about "China's Taste For Nuts," but too timid to laugh about it. Shame.

It's common knowledge that certain brands of automobiles reveal their drivers to be chicks, or—worse—undercover chicks. Finally, researchers have quantified the most feminine cars. If you drive one, you are a total chick. Looking at you, VW.

A coterie of brave, attractive women in New York City—led by spiritual guru Julia Allison—are pledging to give up sex for upwards of two weeks in a purifying "celibacy cleanse." Like a juice cleanse, but less sperm.

In your untrustworthy Wednesday media column: College journalists prepare for a wild April Fools, Alexander Lebedev's not in it for the money, Wonkette loses a writer, and layoffs hit USNWR.

In a new book called "Little Billy's Letters," Bill Geerhart poses as a little damn kid to write prank letters to famous people and institutions, for kicks. And whattaya know: one of his targets was the Church of Scientology.

Here's security camera video of an ad agency guy walking into a glass wall, which his agency posted on YouTube, for laffs. 2) Or maybe it's "viral." 3) This constantly happens at the Gawker offices, really. 4) We win? [Adfreak]

The Way We Live Now: Unfulfilled. We can't enjoy our bonus check. We can't scam others. We're finally building casinos when nobody has the money to gamble. Worst of all, we may never know the taste of hot nuts again.

Andrea Peyser chuckles at NY guv David Paterson being spotted on a dinner date while "wearing a shiny, purple shirt," musing "Could be Paterson's Garden State wardrobe malfunction was a cry for help." Or a consequence of blindness! Ha. [NYP]

Okay, global warming. But on the other hand... [WSJ]

Christmas seems to be the sexxxiest time of year! News-wise. It's because reporters—and readers—are even lazier than usual right now. Neither writing nor reacting to sex stories takes much effort at all. Observe:

Pabst Brewing Company, maker of PBR, is going up for sale. Oh we know who should buy it: A hipster! Hahahaha. Sure, try finding a hipster with $300 million! Hahaha. Maybe for beer they'd find it! Haha. [NYP. Pic: LATFH]

In your thinly-spread Thursday media column: A vicious backbiting war amongst Birmingham's press corps, David Remnick still has money to spend, Germany looks to screw bloggers, and Bernie Kerik: Journalistic Hero.

Wal-Mart is now offering coffins for sale on their website, at reasonable prices. The winner here: Consumers, who can save hundreds or thousands of dollars by buying their coffins at Walmart.com. Once again, Wal-Mart's low prices help American families save.