• Most Talented Person Ever Justin Timberlake and his girlfriend Jessica Biel are having relationship issues. Celebrities! They're just like us. Seriously. They are just like us. If Justin Timberlake can't make certain relationships work, nobody can! That has to be comforting. The difference being that if I were Justin Timberlake, I would just dance a bunch and then go get wasted at a bar and hop on the keys and play "Seniorita" until I find some random drunkass girl to take home with me - not to sleep with, just to show up with - and piss Jessica Biel off and be like, yeah, that's right, I'm still Justin Timberlake, what. of. it. But this is why I write for Gawker on weekends and he is Justin Timberlake, because he'd probably never do that, or if he did, it'd be far more vindictive and awesome than just bringing home some drunk girl from Pianos who will probably just puke on my shoes. Sigh. One day. [NYDN]
  
  
• Beef of the Week: Michael Bay Vs. Megan Fox. Fox argues that Transformers 2: Robots Go Smoosh isn't about the thespians so much as the giant robots breaking everything ("I don't want to blow smoke up people's ass. People are well aware that this is not a movie about acting."). Bay disagrees! "Nick Cage wasn't a big actor when I cast him, nor was Ben Affleck before I put him in Armageddon. Shia LaBeouf wasn't a big movie star before he did Transformers — and then he exploded. Not to mention Will Smith and Martin Lawrence, from Bad Boys." Okay, except, Cage had done a bunch of stuff before 1996's The Rock, including 1995's Leaving Las Vegas, for which he won an Oscar. Affleck also won an Oscar for Good Will Hunting pre-Armegeddon, and was pretty great in Chasing Amy. Will Smith had Fresh Prince and Martin Lawrence had Martin long before Bad Boys. So, while they weren't Michael Bay stars, they were probably well on their way, regardless. Either way: damn, Gina! [US Weekly]
  
  
• And on the other side of the universe, pretty much through the Stargate of celebrity relationship issues, Gary Coleman's wife freaked out and trashed his bedroom. She was arrested on some kind of "fucking with Gary Coleman" statute they voted into law in Utah, I believe. Now, there's nothing funny about domestic violence no matter who it happens to, but: she's 5"5 and 23 but looks like she's 12 to his 4"8 and 41. Gary's pullin' em young! They met on the set of this Mormon movie (also starring: Clint Howard, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, and Fred Willard) reconciled on Divorce Court - that's still on? Jesus. - and now, here they are. [NYDN]
  
  
• Liza Minelli's manager has some serious mob ties. I know, I know: a bunch of you are going to be like BURYING THE LEDE! and I kind of am, here, but come on, it's not like it's unexpected. Also, how is the She-Ra of New York Theater Geighs somehow tied to mobsters? Could these two worlds be any further apart? Back through the Stargate. Also: money! [Page Six]
  
  
• Megan Fox went out for dinner with Zac Efron and all these celebrity tabloids are like OMFG we just don't get her, but really, are you surprised? The comprehension of complex relationships and friendships that often get blurry in grey areas is far beyond your average tabloid consumer, assumes the average tabloid writer. Maybe she just likes a variety of dinner companions, you know? I do. [E!]
  
  
• Ron Perelman, Diddy, Jerry Della Femina aren't throwing down on their infamous parties this summer. Femina and Perelman canceled them all together, Diddy's taking his "White Party" to L.A. where wearing white really isn't that big of a deal because those freaks have sunshine most days, whereas we're not ever getting a fully legit summer. You know climate change in New York is bad when you begin to miss the faint smell of aged piss every time you take the Subway in July. Oh, yeah: he's teaming up with Ashton Kutcher to throw down in LA. Strange? [Page Six]
  
  
• Rihanna's awesome: she inked up her tattoo artist (name: "Bang Bang") and two of his tattoo artist friends. She gave them umbrellas with a capital "R" underneath it. [E!]
  
  
• Bar Refaeli did some kind of Victoria's Secret shoot with Aerosmith. Guess who was wearing the panties? Come on, guess. If your answer was "Tom Hamilton," you're wrong. [Egotastic]
  
  
• There was some kind of freaky Twilight convention for fans of the series where they decended on this small Washington town to figure out where the characters of the books - not even the actors of the movie, but the characters of the books - took a shit or put out a cigarette or whatever. Even Stephanie Meyer was like, all y'all are nuts, and then she counted a bunch of her Vampire Duckets. Twilight fans are so weird. It's understandable if you're a Harry Potter fan; at least then you get to go to Foggy London Town and play with magic. Twilight fanatics are just a bunch of sexually repressed fetishists. Sorry, it's true. [NYDN]
  
  
• MySpace Celebrity Tila Tequila is writing amicus briefs now or something. She's still trying to convince people she's a lesbian, I guess. [NYDN]
  
  
• Mischa Barton was probably doing blow in the bathroom of some club and someone's surprised. [NYDN]
  
  
• I didn't really care about the Jonas Brothers before - and I still don't, really, at least not until one of them bounds out of the closet or Bonus Jonas starts a West Coast Gangster Rap supergroup consisting of him, Junior Mafia, The Game, and Mack 10 - but apparently one of them is marrying some nice girl from Jersey who's a "former hairdresser." This is kind of great if it isn't a carefully orchestrated stunt by Disney PR. Even if it is, the kid's finally going to get laid with the "legal" removal of his purity ring. Everyone wins. [NYDN]
  
  
• Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag are still assholes. [NYDN]

Actor Gary Coleman hit a pedestrian with his truck after arguing with him in a local bowling alley, police said. ...

Payson police Lt. Bill Wright said Colt Rushton and Coleman got into an argument in the early morning hours Saturday over pictures Rushton had taken of Coleman inside the bowling alley. He said the argument continued outside, and that Coleman hit Rushton and a car as he was backing out of a parking space.

Neither man was issued a citation, and Wright said it wasn't clear whether Coleman hit Rushton on purpose. He said neither man was giving authorities much information.

Investigations continue (booze was reportedly involved), with Payson being treated and discharged from a local hospital with minor injuries and Coleman returning to his quiet, married reclusion. Neither man has commented to reporters, leaving only the speculation of how bad Coleman's game really is these days — nothing like the good old days, when we hear he used to average at least 220 while anchoring the Diff'rent Strokes team. It's actually kind of shocking he hadn't mixed it up with someone before Saturday; you haven't heardtrash talk like the smack he used to lay down with Charlotte Rae.

• Police: Gary Coleman hit man with truck in Utah [LAT]

Rushton claims that Coleman's wife snatched his cellphone from him and that Coleman threw down on him in a series of blows. Then, says Rushton, he was merely trying to retrieve his phone when Coleman backed his truck into him, sending him to the asphalt. According to Coleman's bodyguard, Fred, it was all the kid's fault.

“He asked the kid not to take pictures. Why can’t he be an adult and respect his [Coleman’s] privacy,” said his bodyguard. The bodyguard, we’ll call “Fred,” says the harassment continued outside as Coleman and his wife tried to leave. “This kid would not back off—he would not back off.”

Police say Coleman’s truck struck Rushton and hit a car that had pulled up behind Coleman’s truck. Fred says Rushton ran around the actor’s pickup as Coleman was backing out. “The kid was way careless. He was reckless. Who runs out on somebody that’s turning?”

“He did not intentionally hit this kid,” said Fred, “He [Coleman] was just trying to get out of here.” Payson Police say a County Deputy witnessed the scuffle and intervened. “He opened the door and pulled Gary out,” said Fred. Fred says the truck was still in gear when the deputy pulled Coleman out. It was heading toward Rushton who was still on the ground. Fred says he hopped in and put on the brakes. [ABC4]

No arrests have been made and the matter is still under investigation. The police, shockingly, suspect that alcohol may have played a part.

As egregious and anti-funny as nearly every beat in the trailer is (we were especially partial to Gary Coleman's slave-talkin'), they all pale in comparison to this scene, teased by Reason:

In a clip we saw, Washington takes Malone to St. Paul's Cathedral to lecture him on freedom of religion and "freedom of speech, which you abuse." Malone is grossed out by dust in the priest's box, so the doors open onto the smoldering ruins of the World Trade Center. "This is the dust of 3000 innocent human beings!" bellows Washington. Malone whimpers that he's just making movies. Washington won't have it. "Is that what you plan to say on Judgment Day?"

As enticing as that scene sounds, we can't wait for Zucker's own Judgment Day explanation of My Boss's Daughter and BASEketball. Forced to plead his case after a spiritual journey led by Keith Olbermann and Rachel Maddow, will Zucker see the light?

• "This is the Dust of 3000 Innocent Human Beings!" [Reason]

Hard-nosed investigative analysis after the jump:

First of all, let's eliminate a few. Out of Us Weekly's list of twelve star virgins, at least two are famously deflowered: the indefatigable Britney Spears and the formerly married Jessica Simpson. And though we can't be sure Gary Coleman has finally done the deed, we'd like to believe his wedding (and Al Roker's prodding) may have helped hasten things along.

That leaves us with nine star virgins, and three of those are the Jonas Brothers. Take them out of the equation, and you're left with six separate celebrities, all of whom (it may not surprise you to learn) are young and female. Yes, while we can't imagine that a reporter would ever ask, say, Phil of the Future if he'd given it up yet, apparently the world would fall off its axis if even one famous teen girl neglected to reveal the state of her hymen. Let's hear it for sexual stereotypes and pernicious double standards!

• Star Virgins [Us Magazine]

• The Today Show

"[Gary] lets his anger conquer him sometimes. He throws things around, and sometimes he throws it in my direction.'"

Fun! We hope Shannon gets her chance every now and then to throw "things" back at Gary, like maybe those Whatchu Talkin' 'Bout Willis bobblehead dolls. If that fails, she can always forego physical abuse and instead walk down the primrose path of mental cruelty, perhaps by suggesting that MC Hammer's infomercials were kinda hotter than Gary's for CashCall. We can only assume Gary's been following the advice from his own commercials' tagline: "Pay your bills on time and everyone will love you." Even a 22 year-old flame-haired masochist.

• 
  'STROKES' STAR SECRETLY WED [NY Post]

Price and Coleman tell INSIDE EDITION the honeymoon stage of their marriage has waned with Price describing the relationship as “off and on.” “We may go a week and not speak to each other, but that’s because you’re thinking and mulling things over,” says Coleman.

Price explains, saying, “Yeah, I’ve locked myself in a room and stayed there because I’m like, ‘You know what? I don’t even want to fight over this, its ridiculous.” Price admits on several occasions the fights have gone beyond yelling. “He lets his anger conquer him sometimes, I don’t like the violence, I really don’t…He throws things around, and sometimes he throws it in my direction…He’s got to damage something before his anger stops.”

Coleman explains to INSIDE EDITION why he threw a printer on the morning of his interview with the television show. “I threw the printer because my agent wanted to send me a fax, and it wouldn’t fax, and she (Price) was upset at me over something that I had done. And I just took that printer and said, ‘You know what, you just need to die.’”

According to Price, she has had to call the police on several occasions. “He actually got a disorderly conduct ticket one time because we had gotten into an argument, just a minor argument in Provo. The guy gave him a ticket and he freaked out and he was on six months probation…He had to go take an anger [management class].

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