Juno scribe Diablo Cody talked about dicks.

Washington Post tech reporter Rob Pegoraro discussed his email habits.

Gourmet editor Ruth Reichl discomfited everyone who hadn't realized she was dressed up as Gene Simmons.

Chicago Sun-Times D.C. bureau chief Lynn Sweet fed our Michelle Obama obsession.

Today Show videoblog correspondent Sara Haines looked forward to puppies.

Did you witness the media elite tweet something indiscreet? Please email us your favorite tweets — or send us more Twitter usernames.

Kid Rock: We're pretty sure there was only one reason why the Kid Rock/Scott Stapp sex tape was ever released: to prove (to someone, we don't know who) that these two a) have (or at least had) groupies and b) have received oral sex. We're pretty sure we didn't need to know either of those things — but hey, that's the world of celeb sex tapes for you.

Joanie "Chyna" Laurer: Female pro-wrestlers don't get nearly enough attention in the press—though we're not really sure that the kind of attention that Chyna's sex tape generated was really appreciated by her fellow female wrestlers (can you say "inch-long and thick-as-a-pinkie clitoris with a corona resembling the head of a penis"?).

Amy Fisher: Given that Amy Fisher's biggest claim to fame was shooting someone in the face, it is, perhaps, a little odd that she followed that up with her very own sex tape. Then again, Amy's criminal career was spawned by an affair she had with the much older Buttafuoco. When she was a teenager. And seriously, how hot does "Long Island Lolita: Caught On Tape" sound? (Related, but vastly less hot: the Joey Buttafuoco sex tape.)

Verne Troyer: Next up in our list of unlikely pornstars is Verne Troyer (better known as "Mini-Me."). Though Troyer didn't take too kindly to his time in the spotlight, we feel the release of his sex tape was actually a bit of a public service. Firstly, it taught us all that, no matter how different you may look, there's always someone out there who'll be willing to love you (and commit it to tape!). Secondly, it gave us all a very, very detailed lesson in how not to kiss.

Gene Simmons: And speaking of KISSing (ha!): you can't spell sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll without sex. And no one knows that better than KISS front man Gene Simmons, whose all too brief career in adult entertainment we were more than happy to analyze.

Dustin Diamond: If you'd told us, as kids, that Screech of "Saved by the Bell" fame would one day be the star of his very own sex tape, we probably would have run screaming from the room (well, after having you explain what, exactly, a "sex tape" was). That reaction wouldn't have been so far off: Dustin Diamond's last ditch effort to reclaim the spotlight was pathetic at best—but at the same time, isn't the whole pathetic grasp at fame thing the whole point of a self-released sex tape? (Oh, and also: Dirty Sanchez.)

Jenna Lewis: Screech wasn't the first "celebrity" to cash in on a "stolen" sex tape: that honor goes to Jenna Lewis, better known as Jenna from "Survivor," who raked in over $70,000 (and extended her fifteen minutes of fame) with her very own sex tape.

Kim Kardashian: And then, of course, there was Kim Kardashian's romp with R&B star Ray J. We never really figured out why Kim was supposed to be a celebrity, but at least she managed to make it with someone with at least a little bit of cred. And, for that matter, Kardashian managed to rake in a decent amount of money, too (much as she denied that she had had any part in the tape's public launch).

Colin Farrell and Nicole Narain: Given that Colin Farrell and former Playboy Playmate are two people we'd actually want to see get it on (as opposed to, well, many of the people who made this list), we were largely convinced that their rumored sex tape had to be a hoax. Yet somehow, it wasn't! See, sometimes the powers that be really do listen to our prayers.

Paris Hilton: Paris's tape hits the top of our list not so much for its quality (it's shot in night vision, for one thing, and Paris was never much of performer) but instead for its cultural significance. Before her flirtation with amateur porn, Paris was just a D-list party girl and hotel chain heiress; post-"One Night in Paris," she was a full-fledged C-list celebutante with her very own reality show. Using a sex tape to eke out a modicum of fame and launch oneself into the spotlight? Brilliant. (Oh, and there's also the matter of Paris's sexploits hitting the newswires the same day that Fleshbot launched—five years ago today! So maybe we're a little sentimental? It happens.)

Bonus Scandal! Dita Von Teese: Lovely Dita didn't so much make a "sex tape" as star in some arty lesbian fetish porn—but hey, the video was hot enough (and the scandal hyped up enough), that we had to include it somewhere. It also wins points for generating one of the best headlines ever seen: "Dita Von Teese had sex with a shoe." She sure did.

[Ad Age]

Jingles was supposed to debut this month, but CBS, like a kid who left her homework until the last minute, is pushing the debut back because they haven't "promoted" the show enough. The reason they have such crappy judges is also, reportedly, because they had a "time crunch" in assembling them. When they take care of these things, perhaps they can "rethink" the show's concept and then "cancel" it.

Rounding out the judging panel: the ad lady who came up with that song, "I don't want to grow up, I'm a Toys R Us kid." Well, she's a fine choice.

[Ad Age]

Simmons will be joined by an "advisory panel"€ that include Madison Avenue gurus Linda Kaplan Thaler and Julie Roehm. But Simmons will be the final authority on the show who decides which contestants are eliminated each week.

CBS has pushed €œJingles (where contestants vie to compose commercial ad tunes) has been pushed back from its planned premiere date later this month. The show is still moving forward and is expected to join CBS' schedule sometime next season.

Roehm is perhaps definitely best-known for the sex scandal that verrrry publicly cost her her job at Wal-Mart in 2006, which helped make Jingles a must-see (or something) among Madison Avenue folks as well as TCA press tour attendees — the latter of whom got the Simmons news this afternoon in Beverly Hills. Meanwhile, we're just waiting for a premiere date from Burnett, who was last seen traveling in Hell and could not be reached for comment.

• Gene Simmons to judge Burnett's 'Jingles' [The Live Feed]
• Move Over Paula, Make Way For Julie [Ad Age]

In today's installment: Janice Dickinson, Quentin Tarantino, Ellen Page, Sarah Silverman, Jason Schwartzman, Scott Speedman, Gene Simmons, Kristen Bell, Rachel Zoe, Adam Levine, Mila Kunis, Seth Green, Stacy Keibler, Reggie Bush, Dave Holmes, Holland Taylor, Busta Rhymes, and Lil Wayne.

Tuesday, April 1
· Beverly Hills Post Office, Main Branch: Stacy Keibler in line ahead of me, and Holland Taylor in line just behind me. Both women were gorgeous in everyday makeup and neither seemed at all "above" standing in the ridiculously long line with the regular folks at the post office. I did notice that Ms. Taylor was sending a package to Martin Sheen; how adorable.

Friday, April 4
· 8000 Sunset, @ 9:30pm: Quentin Tarantino sits not inside the arthouse cinema but instead on the newly installed tacky "patio furniture" of the renovated plaza. Talks with a Lisa Loeb look-alike, but she has long black hair, and is not an actress type. They sit next to each other, but facing, on a park bench. Tarantino wears no hat, a black leather jacket, jeans, & black Asics soccer style low tops with white socks that I can see because of his awkward bench positioning. All I hear him say is a rat-a-tat-tat "Yeah, yeah, ..uh huh, of course" while jutting his chin out as Loeb-alike talks. Both hold paper coffee cups. The HQ for TMZ is in the same complex - I was hoping they would look out their window.

Saturday, April 5
· West Hollywood 7-11 on La Cienega and Holloway @ 5:50am: I ran into Busta Rhymes. He was riding shotgun in a red Cadillac CTX. (the 2 seater) His buddy bought a newspaper and he looked at a people magazine and contemplated buying batteries. I was buying Gatorade and coffee. I walked up to him and said "Bus a bus?" He did not respond for a second, I thought he might be talking to someone via Bluetooth. It was only him and I and the cashier. So I said "Busta of flipmode squad" He then turned toward me and laughed, said yes and gave me a bro's handshake then walked out.

Sunday, April 6
· Brewery Art Walk: Scott Speedman wandering about alone, looked confused, cute but much stockier in person than I would have expected. Still maintain Felicity should have ended up with Noel.

· Tampa International Airport @ 6pm: I had been to the NCAA Women's Final Four, aka Lesbian Super Bowl. I stopped to get a meal at TGI Fridays to help my hang over and lo and behold at the bar I see sex god (?) Gene Simmons! He was conspicuously leaning on the bar, facing out, scanning the restaurant. I couldn't get over his ridiculous hair.

Monday, April 7
· Hollywood And Highland: Treating some out-of-town relatives to the sight of other people's out-of-town relatives staring at the sidewalk, I took refuge at the Sephora. As weekend celeb sightings are rare, particularly at touristy places, I was a bit stunned to see Sarah Silverman browsing the skin care section. She looked just like she does on television, which is... or is not... a compliment.

· Beverly Center Chipotle @8pm: Reggie Bush. Short and stacked. Pretty sure the black on black Bentley in the fifteen minute parking was his. Unfortunately it can't compete with my '92 Subaru.

· Red Lion: Dave "I Wanna Be A VJ But for Some Reason Jesse Camp Won that Show but now he's working at a pet store or so I heard" Holmes was at Trivia Night (and even on the winning team). I don't know if they showed up especially for trivia or just happened to be there. He was with a group of about 12 completely average seeming people, including one guy that must have been his brother because they had the same vaguely smug but disarming look about them.

Tuesday, April 8
· Mani's on Fairfax @ 8pm: Saw Jason Schwartzman grabbing something to go from the bakery. Cute, short, almost as exciting as the delicious piece of cherry pie I was devouring mid-sighting.

· Graumann's Chinese Theater: I'm at Graumann's Chinese theater and I'm about 93% sure I am sitting behind Janice Dickinson. I have not seen her face, but she keeps yelling at the ads before the movie. Now I'm 100% sure. She keeps commenting loudly after every trailer. This was so worth the 11.50 per ticket. When she walked out of the theater she said "yawn" loud enough for pretty much everyone to hear. Awesome. Whore...she's also totally skeletal and ate two buckets of popcorn then left for a while. Bulimic coke whore...."

· WeHo Trader Joes, afternoon: i was in weho trader joes yesterday afternoon and i heard this woman on the phone talking loud and it bugged me so i looked and it was Rachel Zoe in the cereal section moving to the trail mix section stuffing her basket and talking but that wasn't the disturbing part, maybe she was feeding the homeless, not herself. but she was wearing this huge fur vest (i am not a activist but that vest could make me one) that looked like a bear was hugging her and these ridiculous shoes that she was trying to balance on and and her face was so well just so bloated looking.......people trust her to dress them?

· Hotel Cafe: Dancing With the Stars pros Mark Ballas and Derek Hough played with their band "Almost Amy." In attendance: The Cheetah Girls, Cristian de la Fuente, Cheryl Burke, Julianne Hough, Priscilla Presley, Kristi Yamaguchi, Shannon Elizabeth, Fabian Sanchez, Pasha (from SYTYCD). Derek and Shannon were looking particularly cozy after the show.

· Beverly Center Chipotle: None other than Weezy F Baby (Lil Wayne) in front of me after yet another Chipotle visit. He was in a Dodge Nitrosomething with 29s or 30s on it. I wanted to get out of my car and tell him what a huge fan I am but I was afraid of getting clapped.

Thursday, April 10
· Adam Levine, in a giant green cowl neck sweater, shorts, high socks and driving shoes; buying many spirits at Mayfair. He is slender and handsome enough to obviously not be drinking all that alone later.

· Was at the Forgetting Sarah Marshall premiere party last night, complete clusterfuck. Mila Kunis looked pretty and skinny. Kristen Bell looked pretty, skinny and really happy. Amber Heard.. skinny and wooden. Seth Green was short and friendly. The skinny guy from Superbad, the comedian with a gap in his teeth from Human Giants [Ed. Note - That'd be Paul Scheer]. Busy Phillips sort of channeling Anna Nicole. Paul Rudd - as dreamy as expected. Swoon.

Friday, April 11
· Hollywood Farmers Market: I saw Ellen Page at the Hollywood Farmers Market. She looked very Juno in a hoodie with the hood up. She was buying brussel sprouts or something similarly healthy. Good eating habits Ellen!

[Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin]

• Singer Britney Spears reunited with desperate paparazzo Adnan Ghalib, who she had ditched after finding incriminating text chats with another girl on his iPhone. Just prior to taking Ghalib back, Spears was photographed bumping her head, hard. Post hoc ergo propter hoc, as Spears surely likes to say.
• Spears faces two separate court-ordered shrink sessions in May to determine her level of crazy. In the meantime she gets an allowance of $1,500 per week, all she has to do is "a small legitimate project" that consists of showing up for a cameo on the TV show How I Met Your Mother.
• Singer Courtney Love offered more advice to Spears, this time in the form of the world's least credible therapist referral.
• When she wasn't giving advice, Love was filing a complaint with the police alleging that $69 million was embezzled from her through the theft of dead husband Kurt Cobain's social security number. The Nirvana frontman's good name was used to buy a New Jersey mansion just last year, Love said, and to open a bunch of credit cards. She's not sure the cops are taking her seriously but talked about it on YouTube so judge for yourself.
• McNulty from the Wire, aka actor Dominic West, went to a Russian-owned New York strip club and got a "special lap dance" from one girl while another "nibbled at his ear." Which, as it turns out, is fairly close to a scene from an episode the Wire, but presumably without the cops busting in at the end. [P6]
• After somehow managing to flag and obtain a taxi, Amy Winehouse arrived home to discover she didn't have enough to pay the cabbie, so a selfless paparazzo who had been stalking her stepped in to pay the difference. Awww. [P6]
• Actress Angelina Jolie's lovely baby hump is bigger than ever, probably because it has been feeding on Jennifer Aniston's pain. [P6]
• Former KISS bassist and notorious sex tape star Gene Simmons bawled "his eyes out" when his daughter walked on a catwalk for a modeling gig, then he shaved his head. No amount of salt water or shaving can ever make him clean, of course.
• A VH1 comedian tried to make a joke about a passenger revolt while he was at the airport, and madcap fascism ensued, since air travel must continue to suck for the rest of our lives, or freedom will die. [P6]
• Heroes star Hayden Panettiere... something about underage drinking... I'm sorry was I saying something? Her picture distracted me, a little. [P6]
• The lesbian daughter of the guy who used to run Yahoo, Terry Semel, is totally dragging Lindsay Lohan down. [P6]

What else did we learn this week? How to get invited to a sex party, and which ones to go to this weekend.

If it wasn't about sex, it was about cars — a natural substitute. Sergey Brin's Prius fleet proved a nonstarter, while Elon Musk's Tesla Roadster was off to the races.

And then there were all the exits. Steve Jobs's wife Laurene disappeared from Facebook. Several folks left LinkedIn. And the Yahoo layoff list just kept growing. Oh well: If you can't lick 'em, join us at Moose's.

A blogger at The Syndicate raised the question when he stumbled across a huge billboard for Simmons' show going up in downtown Manhattan yesterday. We all know that sex tapes have been strategically leaked for publicity purposes before—sometimes by the celebrity themself, to jumpstart a flagging career, and sometimes by their more anonymous partner, to grab a turn in the spotlight.

On his own website, Simmons said of the tape, "You may have heard or seen garbage that has sprung up from my past. Rest assured the proper legal team is looking at all ramifications and options." But that vague statement would of course not preclude any covert plans to put him in the news on the eve of his show's debut.

And the whole premise of Family Jewels is that Gene is a big-time swinging ladies man who manages to have an "unconventional family" as well. Wacky! It's basically a poor man's version of The Osbournes. So a sex tape could be a nice tie-in. Of course, there's absolutely no way to confirm something like that, unless some new information came out. So it will remain an odd coincidence of timing. If it had been planned, it would have worked like a charm; watch this clip and feel your anticipation rise!

The short clips we posted are newsworthy and will not be taken down. But the letter itself is informative. In it, Simmons's lawyers say that the video was filmed by Traci Anna Koval, and that a company Allied Industry bought the rights from her in 2003. Is Koval the woman in the video, referred to as "Elsa" by GenesSecret.com? Unclear. Here's the letter:

At the start of the tape, we immediately recognize the sounds of Foreigner's 1985 hit, "I Want To Know What Love Is."

I gotta take a little time,
a little time to think things over
I better read between the lines,
in case I need it when I'm older

At this point, Elsa turns her head twice to look at something off screen, just past the bottom-left corner of the bed. The bouquet of roses Gene bought her? Some champagne? A cameraman shouting to get where the camera can see her tits, and fast?

Elsa moves her hands toward Gene's unbuttoned pants, then away, as she again looks toward something off screen. Gene, or his handler, wants to take this slowly, for Elsa to enjoy herself. So he lifts her by the legs, onto her back.Take solace from this crazy world, he seems to be saying.

Then, Gene licks his hand. Elsa is overcome.

Elsa says something, we don't know what. Gene has been touching her for either 20 seconds or a lifetime, and she is ready for that to stop.

Elsa is ready to touch him. Her hands reach out, and Gene pulls her head in closer.

Now this mountain I must climb,
feels like the world upon my shoulders
Through the clouds I see love shine,
it keeps me warm as life grows colder

Elsa is a paid energy drink enthusiast, and that is not hard to believe as she has her way with Simmons.

His hands, meanwhile, are fiddling with something. A cigarette? A second camera? Of course not: protection for his beloved.

Gene comes in closer, and Elsa seems to be saying something to him. They rearrange their bodies. More tender whispers.

Can't stop now, I've travelled so far,
to change this lonely life
I want to know what love is,
I want you to show me
I want to feel what love is,
I know you can show me

Gene and Elsa are one. He comes in for a sweet kiss. Elsa, perhaps being coquettish, turns away.

Gene comes in for another kiss. Elsa taunts him again, turning away.

Gene comes in for a kiss twice more, and twice more Elsa refuses.

Gene says something to Elsa. I like to think it's Auden:

"Easily, my dear, you move, easily your head/And easily as through the leaves of a photograph album I'm led...."

Or perhaps Gene reminds Elsa of the rider in her contract stipulating she will not get paid unless she delivers some snogging. And besides KISS is the name of the fragging band, innit?

After 40 seconds of coupling, a change: Elsa on top. We see Gene's tender bum as bodies shift.

The lovemaking becomes intense. Gene is mouthing passionate words, or maybe chewing gum? Seriously, is that gum? Classy. Th

ings are busy enough that Elsa must kick off her flip-flop sandals.

Gene stares intently at Elsa for a while, but soon becomes distracted. He is looking off, into the distance. Past the lower left corner of the bed, where Elsa looked before.

Is he imaging their future together, a home, a family? Or maybe there's some kind of monitor set up where he can see how he looks on camera?

The video abruptly ends. A minute and ten seconds of tender union have passed.

Gene and Elsa are forever enriched. Things will never be the same for either of them.

I'm gonna take a little time,
a little time to look around me
I've got nowhere left to hide,
it looks like love has finally found me

Update: Gene Simmons's lawyer has confirmed the sex tape's authenticity in a cease-and-desist letter sent to Valleywag. With Simmons's identity established, we've shortened the excerpts to the bare minimum: Simmons's face, unquestionable; the activity he's engaging in, unmentionable.

(All the Freudian bits of conversation are all the more creepy, by the way, given this Simmons quote: "I will tell a girl I want her and desire her, but I'll tell her straight, 'I want your sister and your mommy as well.'")

[Splash]