George W. Bush's last Thanksgiving proclamation actually mentioned Pilgrims! But—no Indians.

In that proclamation, it was, indeed, the Author of Life (Almighty God) who was personally responsible for "granting" the Pilgrims "safe passage to this abundant land and protecting them through a bitter winter." Thanks, God, though our first Muslim Atheist Kenyan president remembers it a bit differently:

We also recognize the contributions of Native Americans, who helped the early colonists survive their first harsh winter and continue to strengthen our Nation.

There were no Indians, or Native Americans, or Indigenous People, in any of Bush's proclamations. There was some 9/11 in the 2001 proclamation, obviously.

Last year President Bush encouraged "all Americans to gather together in their homes and places of worship with family, friends, and loved ones...." President Obama encourages "all the people of the United States to come together, whether in our homes, places of worship, community centers, or any place where family, friends and neighbors may gather...." (Emphasis added—by ACORN!)

But! Obama was not the first to rep for being thankful in places other than home and church! Clinton also encouraged Americans to gather at home, at places of worship, or at community centers. And so did Bush! In 2001, 2002, and 2003. It was not until 2004 that Americans were no longer encouraged to gather in these community centers. This is presumably because of John Kerry. (Clinton also referenced those Natives who disappeared from Bush's proclamations.)

Clinton never made reference to Lincoln, and Washington only showed up once. Bush Sr. made one Lincoln reference. Reagan, plenty. On the whole, Bush I's proclamations were a little more ambitious, and a little less rote. They included primary sources and historical arcana!

Truthfully, this is an uninspiring first effort from our most literary president in a generation. Barely an improvement over Bush Jr. Let's hope he spends a little more time on it next year.

[Photo: AFP]

• Chris Brown and Rihanna are doing the media equivalent of having a shouting match in the street. Except that in this instance they stop occasionally to tell passers-by that they have albums out soon, and that they're very reasonably priced and contain many excellent tracks. Brown, who doubtless didn't want to miss a publicity opportunity as great as beating the piss out of his girlfriend, has taped a 30-minute segment for MTV which will air tomorrow: the same day as Rihanna goes on 20/20 and after her two-parter with Diane Sawyer on ABC that starts today. He said the following, with a bit of illiteracy thrown in for good measure:

  My thoughts is like, ‘Why did it happen?', like ‘What was I thinking?', ‘What is wrong with you?'

  In totally unrelated news, probably, his album - which I am deliberately not naming - has been pushed up a week and will now be released at the start of December. Her album is out two weeks before. [NYDN]

• Bill Clinton and George W. Bush have canceled their fight to the death at Radio City. The two men, who were slated to hit each other with chairs while screaming obscenities, have apparently claimed that the promoter over-hyped it as a "death-match faceoff." "This event ... was supposed to be a discussion between the two former presidents, and has been cancelled because it was not being billed as such by an overeager promoter," said Clinton spokesman Matt McKenna. Yes Matt, but were they going to wear spandex? What song was Clinton going to shadow-box his way out to the ring to? Was Hillary going to wear a bikini? [NY Post]
• Carrie Prejean's pastor is willing to forgive her for (allegedly) making a sex tape, says TMZ who clearly are not building up to releasing said sex tape. In opposite world. Pastor Darren Carrington from The Rock Church in San Diego told the site that "everyone is a work in progress." Let us know when she's done. [TMZ]
• Look, midgets are just funny OK? I know it's not nice to say, but it's true. Hence the popularity of Willow. Which is why the story about Verne 'Mini-Me' Troyer threatening to pop a cap in his ex-girlfriend's ass, according to a restraining order TMZ got, is amusing even though it features much personal tragedy. Sorry. [TMZ]
• Todd English, jilter of brides, ran away from photographers at Mr. Chow's 30th anniversary party. Wouldn't you? [P6]
• The News and the Post are gossip-arguing! Page Six says Madonna is supporting boyfriend Jesus Luz's DJ career and turned up to a party at the Standard to grind on the dancefloor. "She's been taking a more active role in promoting him," said someone described as "a spy." The News says, after a brief interview with Luz, that Madge isn't collaborating with him and that he didn't play any of her songs that night anyway. In keeping with today's theme: I demand a deathmatch between Neel Shah on P6 and whoever runs Gatecrasher these days. [P6, NYDN]
• More fighting! David Hasselhoff really does do drunk better than anyone. It seems like only yesterday since his last spectacular fall off the wagon. This week's effort is a humdinger (yes, I just wanted to use the word humdinger): he's been getting shitfaced and fighting with an old person in a Canadian casino. Three security guards had to step in and escort Michael Knight from the building. The best part? He was apparently back a few hours later. What? He got thirsty OK? [TMZ]
• Nicole Kidman don't tweet! Because: "if you know what is going on inside somebody's head all the time, that's not a good place." Perhaps her insight into the mind of Tom Cruise scarred her for life. [TMZ]

[Image via Getty]

That kidnapping was part of a CIA program called "extraordinary rendition," wherein an unknown number of people were flown to secret prisons to be tortured. Obama signed an executive order promising to not fly prisoners to places where they will be tortured, anymore, so his CIA's policy might be more accurately described as ordinary rendition. And we all know the CIA will do exactly as they are told, because they always do.

Extradition of the 23 convicted Americans is not going to happen, though, so Italians should probably consider having agents of their own lawless and unchecked international intelligence organization kidnap them all as they go to church or whatever.

He clearly thought he'd play to his strengths in retirement: he's always been good with the words. So yesterday evening he addressed 15,000 people in Fort Worth, Texas (at a seminar shoutily titled GETMOTIVATED!) in his new guise as motivational-speaker-in-chief.

"I don't see how you can be president without relying on the Almighty," he said, referring perhaps to Dick Cheney. "I can tell you that one of the most amazing surprises of the presidency was the fact that people's prayers affected me. I can't prove it to you. But I can tell you some days were great, some days not so great. But every day was joyous." (Even this one?)

It marks a return to the spotlight for Bush, and he likes it, says the Washington Post. He's giving another speech in San Antonio next month, and has "quite a few speeches planned" in fall, according to former Presidential adviser Karen Hughes.

"He is just a normal guy!" a salesman called Patrick Kruger who was in the crowd told the Post, referring to the multimillionaire scion of a privileged and powerful family. "He wasn't the best speaker. But I was happy to see him!"

Number 43 has joined the Washington Speakers' Bureau, so we have many more of these to look forward to. I, for one, am glad to see the comic relief back on stage after nearly a year of almost completely unamusing serious politicians.

If you have $5 bucks and you are in Fort Worth next week, you may get the chance to INCREASE Your Productivity and Income at this once-in-a-lifetime Get Motivated! Seminar. In addition to the former President of the United States, who will be talking about 9/11, you will also hear from Rudy Giuliani, who will be talking about 9/11! And Terry Bradshaw, who will be talking about Super Bowl XIV.

CBS's Brian Montopoli reached Tamara Lowe, a seminar organizer and professional motivational speaker, for comment:

Lowe said the event is designed to "give the average American the opportunity to be able to experience the really amazing story of being face to face with the greatest leaders and achievers on the planet."

She added that it allows attendees to "kind of get the download" on "how they got to the top."

So, yes, this definitely sounds like the sort of event you would expect to see George W. Bush speaking at.

I was minding my own business this morning, ambling through the Sunday Styles (true confessions: I'm like, legitimately excited about Eileen Fisher's Shifting Silhouette, a reaction made more all the more alarming by the fact that billboards for Not Your Daughter's Jeans have also piqued my interest of late; I'm 26) when I was slapped in the face by a page-length column headlined by...Vanessa Kerry.

Sometimes the Vows section has a slow build, with the payoff tucked away in the back pages. Not so today: Dr. Kerry's wedding to Dr. Brian Nahed gives you a full dose of high society on the opening kickoff. What could sit more squarely in the Times' wheelhouse than a wedding featuring a carved granite-faced Senator, orator, and windsurfer as the father of the (Harvard and Yale-educated Fulbright Scholar) bride?

But as it sweetly turns out, John Kerry is the mother of the bride as well, filling in for the late Julia Thorne, who died in 2006. The announcement describes him picking out tents and sketching wedding dress suggestions—"Until this day, we have no idea what it was," critiqued Vanessa—and I must admit, I've got a pretty good mental image going on right now of Kerry, head tilted and brow furrowed, gravely discussing the merits of the calla lilly versus the peony but never actually making a decision.

The announcement is satisfying, if somewhat standard. But wait, what's this announcement located directly adjacent? Let's skim here: Whitney Crawford and Gregory Vasey, okay, don't know 'em ... Palmetto Bluff, nice ... Harvard Law, check ... "owns two Five Guys Burgers and Fries franchises", hmm, questionable, but Barack Obama did eat Five Guys and I'm sure the franchises are doing well during these back-to-burgers recessionary times, and he's from Greenwich, so okay ... wait, what's this last sentence?

"The couple met in 2004 while working on the re-election campaign of George W. Bush."

2004. Wasn't that...? OMG.

(via Mother Jones)

Look, I don't know what undermining editor at the Times made this deliciously bitchy layout decision, but all I'm saying is that it sounds like someone has been on the boring end of a few too many John Kerry public speaking engagements in his day. Me-ow.

Actually, that may not even be the best kicker of the weekend, as I think that honor goes to Julie Wolfson and Jamison Moeser:

"The couple met when the bride was a high school senior and he was her calculus tutor."

I just love that they casually threw that in there right at the end, forcing tens of readers to frantically scan back for ages (she's 28, he's 36) and any other information irrevocably changed by this new revelation. Ha ha, like how he "received a Ph.D. in applied mathematics from Brown." Fuck yeah he did!

This week's featured Vows spotlight shines quirkily upon Brooke Alexander and Marko Zelenovic, otherwise known to friends as "the Croation Sensation". An ocean-loving Hawaiian with "wild hair, a loud whistle and a strong aloha spirit," Alexander moved to New York and became a model and soap opera actress. At 39 and still single, she decided to have a baby, leading to her skepticism a year later when a friend wanted to set her up.

"I'm in my 40s, I'm a mother," Ms. Alexander remembered telling her friend. "I don't date guys who are named Marko and teach tennis in Southampton."

Words to live by, usually, but then Marko took a cab from the airport straight to Elaine's (which by law has to be namedropped in any article involving an older single women). Ultimately, he turned out to be such a gentleman, sleeping on the couch in her apartment for three years out of respect for her and her son, that he earned her trust.

"Jace said, 'Mommy, I don't have a daddy, do I?'" she recounted. "And I said, 'We have something better. We have a Marko.'"

That's not a salesman, honey. That's your daddy.

Elsewhere this weekend, everyone getting hitched will want to kiss up to this daughter of the Dalton admissions director in a few years; I would have thought the career path would be from MoveOn.org to The Onion and not the other way around; and you will probably want an umbrella if it rains.

This week's Featured Matchup:

Sebastian Dungan and Lavi Soloway (and Lily Soloway)

• Dungan graduated from Yale: +3
• Dungan is an independent film producer who produced "Transamerica" and Soloway is a law firm partner: +5
• Soloway is a founder of Immigration Equality, "a nonprofit advocacy organization": +1
• Dungan's mother is a Beverly Hills real estate agent: +1
• The ceremony was held at the Water Mill home of Barry Skovgaard and Marc Wolinsky, powergays who have a collection of 500 ceramic cow creamers: +3
• The couple met online: +1
• Soloway's online dating profile included a picture of his baby daughter Lily: +2, because single parent dating is "on trend" this weekend.
• On their first date, with Lily in a stroller, "they spent a couple of hours walking around NoHo, where Mr. Dungan stopped to buy a blazer": +5 gay points
• They're both really attractive and, in keeping with ideal Times photograph standards, look like they could be brother and brother: +4

Total: 25

Alisha Bhagat, Mark Egerman

• The couple met in 2001 at Carnegie Mellon, from which they graduated, she with college honors and he with university honors: +3
• The bride is a Fulbright scholar and has a master's in foreign service from Georgetown: +3
• The bride has studied and worked in India and Sri Lanka: +1
• The groom received a master's degree in international development from Cambridge and a cum laude law degree from Harvard: +8
• The groom works for the National Abortion Federation: +1
• The groom's mother is on the board of the Anti-Defamation League and Planned Parenthood of Massachusetts: +2
• The announcement includes this group of sentences: "We've been dating for eight years, and have been in 10 different time zones combined, Mr. Egerman said. "When I was in the Cook Islands in the South Pacific in 2004 for three months, she was in Pittsburgh. When I was in England in 2006, she was in India. And, when I came back to law school in 2007, she moved to Sri Lanka. Finally for the past two years I was in Cambridge and she was in Washington DC.": + ...

Total: My calculator just broke. You win. You always do.

[Ridiculous top image via Freaking News]

The word was "strategery," which acclaimed Land of the Lost actor Will Farrell made famous back in 2000, when he lampooned the man who would become President George W. Bush.

Always hip to popular culture, Press Secretary Gibbs instantly recognized the reference, saying, ""I love it how a 'Saturday Night Live' word has entered into the lexicon." He then threatened to curse.

Who knew government could be so darn great? Plus, as an added bonus, it gives Gibbs' opponents some fuel for their "he's not dignified" fire.

Here's the clip of Farrell on SNL, in case you don't remember...

Could there be a more appropriate place for The Today Show to introduce their new hire than Cowboys Stadium, the citadel of hideous American excess, out in that vast expanse of glorious, cement kiln soot-laden sprawl midway between Dallas and Fort Worth? (Wikipedia notes that Arlington is "the largest city in the world without a fixed bus route system of mass transit." Everyone's carbon footprint is bigger in Texas!)

Jenna Bush, whatever, she is fine. She is, like most of the children of the ruling elite, a useless leech on society who's produced nothing or value to anyone, ever. And she was forced into an arranged marriage with a second-generation party hack after her allotted few years of hanging out with Gays and drinking too much. But on the whole, she is harmless. She certainly does not need or deserve a job as a journalist, but The Today Show itself has no use for journalism.

And here she is interviewing some precocious young public speaker, in a cutesy, meaningless feel-good segment. And, hah, she "plans to keep her part-time job as a sixth-grade reading resource teacher." You gotta keep busy!

Meanwhile the other one, not-Jenna, the one who went to Yale, she is doing god knows what with her time. At some point one of them will have to step up to the plate and become a Liz Cheney being of pure hackery, probably, but until then let us continue forgetting about them.

Latimer wrote speeches for Bush, Rumsfeld, Gates, and Mitch McConnell. And his book looks pretty good! There is an excerpt in the next GQ, and an excerpt of that excerpt at Raw Story. There is a bit about how Bush didn't like McCain and was also incredulous at his shitty campaign. And there is this thing, about Palin:

"I'm trying to remember if I've met her before. I'm sure I must have." His eyes twinkled, then he asked, "What is she, the governor of Guam?"

Everyone in the room seemed to look at him in horror, their mouths agape. When Ed told him that conservatives were greeting the choice enthusiastically, he replied, "Look, I'm a team player, I'm on board." He thought about it for a minute. "She's interesting," he said again. "You know, just wait a few days until the bloom is off the rose." Then he made a very smart assessment.

"This woman is being put into a position she is not even remotely prepared for," he said. "She hasn't spent one day on the national level. Neither has her family. Let's wait and see how she looks five days out." It was a rare dose of reality in a White House that liked to believe every decision was great, every Republican was a genius, and McCain was the hope of the world because, well, because he chose to be a member of our party.

Usually these books try a little too hard to make Bush seem deceptively smart and wise, which is stupid, because after eight years it's pretty clear that he is who we thought he was, but we'll believe this story, because moron game recognize moron game.

So make sure to put Matt Latimer's Speech-Less up on the shelf next to your favorite volumes from David Frum, Michael Gerson, and Matt Scully!

Have you finished composing your "where I was" blog post or, god save us, your #whereiwas Tweet? Have you muted MSNBC's deplorable annual encore performance of the televised deaths of thousands? Have you remembered to never forget? Good. Fine.

Shortly after (or maybe during) that day, our president at the time, a little fuckhead no one liked, handed over the reins to the most psychotic elements of his administration. In the vast national wave of jingoism, paranoia, dread, and fear that followed, he and his friends led us into an unrelated war they'd been planning beforehand, allowed the CIA to wiretap and torture anyone they liked (and encouraged the CIA to wiretap and torture even more than they were comfortable with!), and regularly insisted that our memory of that day should not be sullied with critical thinking or expressions of anything other than still-palpable fear. This played better in the sorts of places that had nothing to fear from international terrorism, but plenty of formerly reasonable-acting people in the major targets did play along, both out of personal conviction and partisan duty.

In fact an entire cottage industry of dudes who were Changed Forever On That Day thrived on the internet. Bloggers, all of whom were self-professed Former Liberal Democrats, were suddenly freed to be racist, bloodthirsty warmongers. They were rewarded with traffic and mainstream legitimacy (even as they ritually attacked the MSM as terrorist-loving fifth columnists). Most are still treated as Serious People, even though their defining characteristic was a hysterical response to a crisis.

But we don't even need to feel bad about the Joe Kleins, Chris Hitchens, Andrew Sullivans, Glenn Reynolds, Charles Johnsons, and Peter Beinarts of the media world. Because, whatever, they are as responsible in their own ways as Wolfowitz for the Iraq tragedy, but their magical ride on the patriotism express has ended.

Barack Obama is the president now. Regardless of what you think of him as a politician or a man, he admirably refuses to engage in 9/11 rhetoric. He does not operate from the cynical assumption that his audience believes that America Can Do No Wrong, that to criticize a war is to be a literal traitor, that to not worship the president is to spit on the graves of soldiers, that the correct response to a tragedy is to create a thousand more. He doesn't talk like that. And so, fucking finally, the anniversary belongs to the latte-sipping out-of-touch coastal elites who witnessed it.

On 9/12, people in New York (and DC) did not feel as "great" as Glenn Beck. They just felt like shit. They felt scared and confused and depressed. Many of them were drunk. And only an idiot or an actual terrorist would want to always feel like it was 9/12/01. And eight years later, normal people, with brains and souls, have decided that some emotional distance from that disaster is healthier and wiser than trying to recapture the dread.

So thank fucking christ that the Commander in Chief is no longer subjecting the nation to death porn.

No, this year it's limited to a nutty little cult leader on basic cable who is encouraging his radicalized band of fanatical followers to invade the cities where the tragedy actually happened in order to shock the populace back into fear.

Glenn Beck is an actual terrorist, and the people attending his rally in DC tomorrow are al-Qaeda in America.

Ridge was never invited to sit in on National Security Council meetings; was "blindsided" by the FBI in morning Oval Office meetings because the agency withheld critical information from him; found his urgings to block Michael Brown from being named head of the emergency agency blamed for the Hurricane Katrina disaster ignored; and was pushed to raise the security alert on the eve of President Bush's re-election, something he saw as politically motivated and worth resigning over.

Come on, Tom. Michael Brown was just a symptom of an administration too concerned with exaggerated foreign threats to give a shit about domestic emergency preparedness and too opposed to career civil service to staff FEMA with people who knew what they were doing. He was not actually personally responsible for Katrina, and unless Tom's claiming that Brown's presence alone was the reason why Ridge, as head of the department in charge of FEMA, never bothered to make emergency response a departmental priority that "revelation" is just long-after-the-fact ass-covering.

Oh, but the other thing, about changing the terror alert right before the 2004 election? We believe that one.

As Jo Becker reports in today's New York Times, former George W. Bush attorney Ted Olson filed a federal lawsuit challenging California's recent ban on gay marriage. Olson's hope is that his arguments in the case will lead the Supreme Court to reverse the California law and thus reshape the country's social landscape in ways similar to past monumental Supreme Court decisions. Preparing his opening statement for an initial hearing in federal court in San Francisco, Olson said the following:

California's ban is "utterly without justification" and stigmatizes gay men and lesbians as "second-class and unworthy."

"This case," he said afterward, "could involve the rights and happiness and equal treatment of millions of people."

Interestingly, Olson was brought onto the case by one of the biggest big shit liberals in Hollywood, director Rob Reiner, at the suggestion of Olson's ex-wife's sister, who is an acquaintance of Reiner. Olson then recruited David Boies, the attorney for Al Gore in the Bush v. Gore proceedings, to join him in the fight, and with that one of the more unlikely alliances in American legal/political history was formed. Olson, for his part, seems confident.

Paul Katami, one of the plaintiffs recruited for the lawsuit, recalled Mr. Olson's words shortly before it was announced: "He put his arm around me and said, ‘We're going to plan your wedding in a couple of years - this is going to happen.' "

What is it that they say about politics making strange bedfellows?

The Washington Post's Barton Gellman reports today that in the course of writing his salacious tell-all memoir, which he's doing in longhand on yellow legal pads by the way, Cheney's been talking quite candidly to many scholars and diplomats and other assorted Washington big shots about his feelings toward Bush, and apparently he's hurt that he and the former president just didn't get each other during the waning days of the administration like they used to early on.

"In the second term, he felt Bush was moving away from him," said a participant in the recent gathering, describing Cheney's reply. "He said Bush was shackled by the public reaction and the criticism he took. Bush was more malleable to that. The implication was that Bush had gone soft on him, or rather Bush had hardened against Cheney's advice. He'd showed an independence that Cheney didn't see coming. It was clear that Cheney's doctrine was cast-iron strength at all times — never apologize, never explain — and Bush moved toward the conciliatory."

Gellman goes on to say that sources told him Cheney's been stung by Bush's "concessions to public sentiment," something the soulless old prick views as a "moral weakness," and that it's time for him to break his honor code of silence because "the statute of limitations has expired" on the things he's been keeping bottled up inside.

Now, only Dick Cheney could ever possibly reflect on the "stay the course" presidency of George W. Bush and somehow come to the mangled conclusion that it was conciliatory in just about anything that it did. If there's one thing that objective people can probably agree almost universally on when assessing Bush as a president, it's that he and his administration were hopelessly, tragically stubborn.

But perhaps even more impossible to fathom is that with each passing day Cheney makes Bush look more and more like a sympathetic character. If things keep going the way they're going now, it's entirely possible that history will come to judge Dick Cheney as the best and worst thing to ever happen to George W. Bush's legacy — worst because Bush's misplaced trust in him during his presidency more often than not led to unfortunate consequences, and best because Cheney's post-presidency attacks on him are enough to make even the most dedicated Bush-hater feel sorry for him, even if only just a bit.

So yeah, The Chertoff Group needs an intern. So what the hell is The Chertoff Group? Glad you asked! Here's the ad they posted seeking an intern:

The Chertoff Group is a fast-growing start up firm that was founded by former Secretary of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff. We are seeking an intern for the fall semester (or longer) who thrives in a faced-paced work environment. Please check out our website for more information on the company: www.chertoffgroup.com. [Please indicate the source for this lead as the Brad Traverse Group (brad traverse dot com)]. The position is unpaid but you would walk away with invaluable knowledge of how a successful start-up operates and deeper insights into the issues surrounding homeland security and the private sector.

Those interested, please send me a short paragraph on why this internship would be meaningful to you.

Please email: debbie.baker@chertoffgroup.com Please put Chertoff Group Intern in the subject line.

Required Skills Excellent writing skills - including knowledge of protocol Deep knowledge of Microsoft Office suite: Excel, PowerPoint, Word Flawless organizational skills

In addition to working for Chertoff, you'll also be answering to former Bush CIA Director Michael Hayden and a host of other former Bush administration officials. Learn crisis management from the pros, who boast on their website that "no one makes better, calmer decisions in an emergency than someone who has done it hundreds of times before," because if there's one thing synonymous with the the presidency of George W. Bush, it's crisis management. So what are you waiting for?

Pic via Wired

Of course, Nixon resigned rather than face impeachment, and Bush left office after completing his second term. Nixon spent two years in seclusion, and then agreed to be interviewed by a man he considered (with ample evidence) to be a lightweight in exchange for $600,000. Bush will probably never be in need of money.

Though he will, eventually, have a book of some kind to promote. And once he does, he'll be pushing, as Nixon was, for a public reevaluation of his time in office. So we can dream!

British tabloid editor turned reality TV embarrassment Piers Morgan is just one of the current journalists who'd love to reenact Frost/Nixon with Bush.

The Nixon interviews are great television (though not quite as HEY DRAMATIC ACTING OVER HERE GUYS as Ron Howard would have you believe). But would the Bush interviews even be worth it?

If you asked our former President about torture, for an hour straight, he'd still just say "we don't torture." If you asked him about warrantless wiretapping he'd say he'd do anything to keep America safe.

Wouldn't we, as a still broken and angry nation, rather just have someone yell at Bush for two days than hear the same idiotic cliches? Do we judge this man capable of any kind of self-reflection? Nixon had that grand paranoia. Bush is oblivious.

Bush has faced "tough" questions before. He gets petulant, but reveals nothing. Nixon was operatic in his self-pity, cunning in his politics, and actually genuinely interesting. Bush is just a dumb shit.

A Frost/Cheney might be more interesting, but he would just relentlessly lie until you lured him to the Fortress of Solitude and immersed him in Red Kryptonite.

Citing numerous anonymous Bush White House sources, Time's Massimo Calabresi and Michael Weisskopf constructed a piece that reads like a gripping political novel. Most compellingly, the two central characters', Bush and Cheney, views on pardons, particularly the pardoning of Scooter Libby, couldn't have been more diametrically opposed, with Bush being distrustful of the whole pardon process, believing firmly that pardons were little more than vehicles for the politically connected to save their asses when and if they ever get into trouble, while Cheney labored almost obsessively to secure a pardon for Libby. In fact, Cheney's pardon crusade became so obsessive that it caused many within the administration to speculate that perhaps Libby had taken a bullet for Cheney in the Valerie Plame case, and that Cheney's dogged pursuit of a pardon was rooted in a personal debt of gratitude he owed Libby.

Petitions for pardons are usually sent in writing to the White House counsel's office or a specially designated attorney at the Department of Justice. In Libby's case, Cheney simply carried the message directly to Bush, as he had with so many other issues in the past, pressing the President in one-on-one meetings or in larger settings. A White House veteran was struck by his "extraordinary level of attention" to the case. Cheney's persistence became nearly as big an issue as the pardon itself. "Cheney really got in the President's face," says a longtime Bush-family source. "He just wouldn't give it up."

In the waning days of his presidency, Bush gave Cheney the opportunity to present one last case for the pardoning of Scooter Libby.

The Vice President argued the case in that Oval Office session, which was attended by the President and his top aides. He made his points in a calm, lawyerly style, saying Libby was a fall guy for critics of the Iraq war, a loyal team player caught up in a political dispute that never should have turned into a legal matter. They went after Scooter, Cheney would say, because they couldn't get his boss. But Bush pushed past the political dimension. "Did the jury get it right or wrong?" he asked.

In that meeting Cheney went on to make the argument that a liberal Washington jury and a maniacal prosecutor had teamed to criminalize Libby for having a faulty memory. Bush then spent a few days thinking things over.

Bush would decide alone. In private, he was bothered by Libby's lack of repentance. But he seemed more riveted by the central issue of the trial: truthfulness. Did Libby lie to prosecutors? The President had been told by private lawyers in the case that Libby never should have testified before the grand jury and instead should have invoked his Fifth Amendment right not to incriminate himself. Prosecutors can accept that. But lie to them, and it gets personal. "It's the difference between making mistakes, which everybody does, and making up a story," a lawyer told Bush. "That is a sin that prosecutors are not going to forgive."

A few days later, about a week before they would become private citizens, Bush pulled Cheney aside after a morning meeting and told him there would be no pardon. Cheney looked stricken. Most officials respond to a presidential rebuff with a polite thanks for considering the request in the first place. But Cheney, an observer says, "expressed his disappointment and disagreement with the decision ... He didn't take it well."

Earlier today, in response to the publication of the Time article, Dick Cheney released the following statement:

Scooter Libby is an innocent man who was the victim of a severe miscarriage of justice.

He was not the source of the leak of Valerie Plame's name. Former Deputy Secretary of State, Rich Armitage, leaked the name and hid that fact from most of his colleagues, including the President. Mr. Libby is an honorable man and a faithful public servant who served the President, the Vice President and the nation with distinction for many years. He deserved a presidential pardon.

Yeah, there's some bad blood here. Now go read this piece.

Inside Bush and Cheney's Final Days [Time]

Researchers for the Centers for Disease Control found that instances of teen pregnancy rose in 2006 and 2007 after declining every year since 1991. They also found that diagnosed cases of chlamydia, gonorrhea, HPV and syphilis rose during the same time period. The CDC's Janet Collins issued a statement in conjunction with the release of the study's results.

It is disheartening that after years of improvement with respect to teen pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases, we now see signs that progress is stalling and many of these trends are going in the wrong direction.

Disheartening yes, but hey, at least the Bush Administration's spending billions on abstinence education resulted in the creation of Derek Dye, The Abstinence Clown, and that's something we should all be thankful for!

Pregnancy, STDs on the Rise Again Among U.S. Teens [ABC]
This Clown Will Make You Not Want to Have Sex [Videogum]

See, Bono was at the National Prayer Breakfast in 2006, which is where a bunch of world leaders (and whatever Bono is) get together to pray and have cereal and talk about how everybody wants to rule the world, and hey, isn't that the guy who sings that song? He's about to give George W. Bush a hug! Noez! Not so much, however. Bono, tricky dick that he is, sidestepped Dubya:

"There were all kinds of people in the audience," Bono recalled on Jonathan Ross' talk show. Bono admitted he didn't feel like being the recipient of a hug from a man with whom he had so many political disagreements. As the affectionate President neared, Bono tried to "dodge the hug" by jumping behind a podium. The sidestep worked, and just about nobody in the audience knew it happened - though it was all captured on camera. But - there was one sharp-eyed Senator in the bipartisan crowd who saw it all.

"When I was sitting down I was beside Sen. Obama, the star said the future President whispered to him, 'Nice work with the hug dodge.'"

Well, now you know you simply can't buy a hug from Bono no matter how many third-world countries you attempt to aid. Also, Obama likes it when you don't hug punks. Don't hug punks in front of Obama.

Finally, Bono also told a strangely satisfying story (okay, not at all "strangely") to the BBC feature The Edge punching him in the face early on in their career, which goes without saying that anybody who calls themselves Bono or The Edge should definitely be hit in the face at least once in their life, no matter how talented they are. Which is to say nothing of the "Discotheque" video.

Bono's hugs, punched face: mysterious ways, indeed.

To Obama's delight, Bono admits he sidestepped a hug from George Bush [Irish Central]

Obama, dressed in jeans and Chicago White Sox jacket, certainly looked smooth with his delivery, but the camera angle broadcast by Fox was simply horrendous and didn't really give viewers any indication of whether or not it was a good or a bad pitch, so we're basically incapable of rendering a verdict on our own. However, some members of the media who were in attendance saw the pitch and have already weighed in.

From the New York Times:

Once Obama made it to the mound, he eased into his motion and softly floated a pitch to Albert Pujols. Pujols, the current Cardinals icon, reached in front of home plate to catch Obama's wobbly pitch. The fans cheered for Obama, who then hugged Pujols halfway between the mound and the plate.

From the AP:

Obama's ceremonial first pitch at the All-Star game barely reached the plate Tuesday night. St. Louis Cardinals star Albert Pujols helped the president, moving up on the plate and reaching out to scoop the toss.

From the Chicago Tribune:

As you would expect, President Barack Obama leaned to the left while making the ceremonial first pitch at Tuesday's All-Star game in St. Louis.

While he was lacking in style points on his short southpaw lob to home plate, he certainly made a striking fashion statement — not to mention showing his South Side sentiment — to the worldwide television audience.

From the Weekly Standard:

He may have thrown out the first pitch wearing a Chicago White Sox jacket ("My wife thinks I look cute in it"), but there was nothing in his cool aspect or his broadcast-booth blarney to suggest a true love for the game, like that of, say, our 43rd president. This guy should stick to golfing, or, better yet, to kicking a soccer ball around the White House lawn. It suits him: more Europeanish, less Americanish.

Finally, we text-messaged Deadspin Emeritus Will Leitch, who is actually at the game in St. Louis, for his assessment. Here's what he said:

He isn't as good at throwing a first pitch as Bush. THANK GOD!

So the verdict seems to be that Barack Obama throws like a girl, which probably shouldn't be all that surprising considering that he's a latte-sipping communist. But here's a clip of the first pitch from Fox, not that you'll be able to really glean anything from it, so you can at least try to render your own verdict.

pic via AP