A National Infrastructure Program Is a Smart Idea We Won't Do Because We Are Dysfunctional
America’s roads and bridges are in horrible shape. We could fix them up and provide lots of jobs in the process. But we won’t!
Liverpool recently introduced fast-walking pedestrian lanes in its city centre, an action supported by 69 percent of 16 to 24-year-old residents, research found. “But life is about the path, not the destination,” you say. Incorrect, sir. Now get out of my way, I’m late for an appointment.
Halloween Question: What Should We Do About All of These Corpses?
Green-Wood Cemetery, a National Historic Landmark, stretches across 478 acres of Brooklyn. But what if instead of using that land for a cemetery, somebody used that land for affordable housing? Huh, a good idea. The housing would be haunted, yes—but of use.
How to Dress Your Baby for Halloween
It's Halloween and you're a proud new parent. Though you're excited to dress up your new little friend, you might have a few questions concerning costume choice. What is appropriate? Can I dress my baby like a murderer? What if it's a murderer from television or a movie, can I dress my baby like a murderer then?
Should Massachusetts secede from Eastern Time to get away from its soul-killing 4:11 p.m. sunsets? Yes, of course it should. As should New York.
Social Impact Bonds: The Opposite of Private Prisons
One of the reasons that the private prison industry is one of the most disgusting manifestations of capitalism is that it creates an economic incentive to imprison more people. What if we did... the opposite of that?
Recasting Gilmore Girls for the Highly Anticipated, Hypothetical Movie
Gilmore Girls ended in May, 2007. Like any show that ends, its final episode set off an avalanche of hopeful rumors that we might one day see Lorelai, Rory, and the whole gang minus Dean sipping coffee and talk-talk-talking once again—this time on a screen as big as all Stars Hollow.
Just Give Weird Al the Super Bowl Halftime Show Already
The periodic calls for a Super Bowl Halftime show featuring "Weird Al" Yankovic are louder than ever this year, with a petition picking up nearly 65,000 signatures in a day, and still rising. 65,000 Weird Al fans could be wrong, but they're not. This is a pretty good idea.
BBC is instructing its editors and producers to stop striving for "false balance" by booking so many anti-science and climate-denying commentators. "Audiences should be able to understand from the context and clarity of the BBC's output what weight to give to critical voices," a company report stated.
Germany's lower house, with support from "conservative" Chancellor Angela Merkel, has approved the nation's first-ever minimum wage. The baseline pay rate will be 8.50 Euros an hour, roughly $11.56 today, 59 percent higher than the United States' federal minimum wage.
Sarah Palin-endorsed candidates are losing primaries, so maybe Sarah Palin will leave the Republican Party. "If Republicans are going to act like Democrats, what's the use in getting all gung ho about getting other Republicans in there?" she tells Sean Hannity. Yes. Yes.
Newspaper Tweets Picture of Afghan Aid Worker's Fleshlight
When you go to save the refugees in a war zone, you take only the essentials: First aid, meal kits, knife, poncho liner, and rubberized anal/vaginal orifice for self-pleasuring.
Americans Are Big Believers In Science, If You Ignore the Tea Partiers
You know all that fuss about how liberals love science and conservatives hate it? Well, it turns out that a sizable majority of all Americans have faith in the quantifiable, reproducible conclusions of empirical observation. As long as you leave self-identified Tea Partiers out of the equation.
Ever determined to be relevant, racist separatist cattle rancher Cliven Bundy has announced he's leaving the Republican Party to join the Independent American Party, which recently endorsed a "wackaloon" conspiracy theorist and Sandy Hook truther.
The FBI Is Desperately Looking to Hire Stoners With Hacking Skills
We know you don't blaze up. But you've got this friend who does, and he seriously wonders whether that endangers his chances to code and hack for the top federal law enforcement bureau. You know what? Tell your friend the boss cop says it's cool.
Selected Air Force members, men and women, will be able to take three years off from the military to start families, a mirror of a recent pilot program by the Navy. It's a pretty novel idea. Almost as novel as paid parental leave, but not quite.
Cliven Bundy Wisely Decides Not to Sue the Feds for Not Arresting Him
Racist cattle rustler, impressionist historian and de facto warlord Cliven Bundy emailed his faithful disciples this afternoon to inform them that even though the federal government is evil and terrible, they won't be suing the feds for not shooting him, because of some incoherent reasons:
Wisconsin Republicans voted down a proposal at their annual convention Monday that would have affirmed the state's "sovereign right" to secede from the United States. Now they can all go back to being the party of Lincoln, right?
Hog-Castrating Senate Hopeful Runs New Ad on Her Love of Guns, Leather
There's only one Republican candidate running for Senate in Iowa who has Sarah Palin's endorsement, and also loves to cut the testicles off of squealing pigs with her own two hands. But that doesn't seem like enough for you America, so fine, here she is shooting stuff and wearing chaps.
A Scientific American editor who went on Fox News and tried to discuss climate change today found the experience to be "not something that I wanted to be a part of in the future." The station also apparently tried to remove video of his appearance from its website, but thought better of it.
