1. George the Earnest Young Striver
The son of an Orthodox priest, he grew up in Cleveland, New York, and Boston. He considered following in his father's footsteps, but wanted to serve in a more worldly capacity. At 21, he won a Carnegie Endowment for International Peace and served as a staffer for the Washington, D.C.-based Arms Control Association. He headed to England in 1984 on a Rhodes scholarship. When he returned, he took a job as a staffer for Rep. Edward Feighan, an Ohio congressman noteworthy for losing a mayoral race to Dennis Kunicinich and being one of 22 congressman found to have repeatedly overdrawn their bank accounts without penalty in what became known as the House Banking Scandal.

Stephanopoulos left the Hill in 1988 to join Michael Dukakis' presidential campaign, serving a variety of roles in the press shop. He was drawn to Dukakis in part by their shared Greek heritage, but the bruising loss soured him on politics. From a 1992 New York Times profile:

After the 1988 Presidential campaign, Mr. Stephanopoulos says, he "wanted out" of politics. He had worked on the Dukakis campaign's version of the Clinton campaign's celebrated quick-response team. "We just weren't that good at it," he said of the 1988 effort.

The disillusionment didn't last, and Stephanopoulos spent the Bush I years as House Majority Leader Richard Gephardt's floor manager.

2. George the Star-Struck Acolyte

In 1991, Stephanopoulos signed on the Bill Clinton's primary campaign, and a great political love affair was born. The Times described him as Clinton's "political and intellectual alter ego":

"I know nothing about what [George] feels emotionally or personally," said Ms. Wright, the deputy campaign manager. "But it doesn't matter because he checks his own identity at the door, and it's Bill's identity that matters."

3. George the Hunk

His role as the boyish public face of the Clinton campaign earned him legions of female admirers, and he dated Jennifer Grey and Bebe Neuwirth. He eventually settled down with former daytime talk-show host Ali Wentworth, with whom he tries to have sex on a daily basis, in 2001.

4. George the Controlling Over-Reacher

As a campaign spokesman, Stephanopoulos' job was to lie to reporters. He did it so well that they praised him for it:

Mr. Stephanopoulos practiced his pre-emptive strikes on the traveling press corps as well, taking reporters aside to sow seeds of doubt about the work of competitors when he knew negative news was coming the next morning. It usually worked.

But installed in the White House as Clinton's communications director, Stephanopoulos' youthful charm gave way to a sense of his own power, souring his relationship with the White House press corps. He bigfooted press secretary Dee Dee Myers and briefed the press himself, closed off the area outside his office to reporters, and was generally, according to the Times, "too clever for [his] own good in [his] handling of the press, trying to go over their heads and carry the agenda-controlling techniques of the campaign into Government." In 1993, he was pushed aside by David Gergen in a humiliating and public rebuke, renamed a "special adviser" to the president, and forbidden from going before the cameras.

5. George the Fake Penitent

Stephanopoulos left the White House after Clinton's reelection in 1996, just in time for Clinton to get caught inserting tobacco products into an intern's body cavity. That gave Stephanopoulos a great idea for a book, called All Too Human, wherein he pondered how a nice young boy like him fell for the lies of an imperfect president whom Stephanopoulos had long known to be a philanderer and a liar. Gary Wills called it a "tiresomely moralizing book" that "proves that self-castigation can be a device for avoiding self-examination":

For all his rather histrionic questioning of his own personal motives, Stephanopoulos never investigates his own political judgment, which was often poor (his political judgment is the commodity he has on sale at the moment, which shows why a penitence that quietly celebrates it is a good career move).

6. George the Humble Correspondent

Having absolved himself of responsibility for the moral chaos of the Clinton White House by ratting out his former boss in a tell-all, Stephanopoulos moved to ABC News, where he had been a political analyst, as a full-time staffer. ABC New executives painted him at the time as an eager, fresh-faced young reporter, running around the newsroom with a notepad in hand and feeding hot tips to colleagues. When he was named to replace the venerable David Brinkley on This Week in 2002, he responded with understanding and humility to people who were troubled by the idea of a partisan political operative taking over the role of a Sunday show moderator:

In an interview, Mr. Stephanopoulos said of questions about his objectivity, "My basic message is judge me by the work. Judge me by the interviews I've done and the interviews I'm going to do. If you think I'm not fair, tell me and we'll talk about it."

He added, "Obviously I know that the question's there — I have to be conscious of it in my work. I have been, and will be."

7. George the Serious Journalist

At This Week, Stephanopoulos has fashioned himself a sober, serious-minded journalist who sometimes has people like Michelle Malkin and Laura Ingraham on his show just for kicks and devotes presidential debates to rehashing hourly news-cycle minutiae. He's so serious, in fact, that during negotiations over his role at Good Morning America, he let it be known that he had reservations about sullying his reputation by hosting what amounts to a live-concert series:

But according to associates familiar with the former aide to Bill Clinton, he still has questions about whether he will be able to demonstrate his work as a serious-minded journalist on the program, whose hosts toggle between covering the news of the day and participating in cooking segments.

8. George the Cooking Show Host

He got over them! ABC News will announce Stephanopoulos' appointment to GMA tomorrow. He will pay lip-service to the idea that he wants the show to focus on serious issues that people care about, and then he will interview whoever pretends to launch their kid in a balloon next and worry about sexting and rainbow parties. Maybe in a few years he'll write a book about how an idealistic young reporter got dazzled by the morning-show lights and ended up compromising his principles for fame and power.

Sawyer's off to "ABC World News Tonight," where she will read news to the old people who watch it. As the Times reports, the GMA shake-up has been "shrouded in secrecy" and the subject of much tabloid and blog speculation, and the reconfiguration gives the show that sweet, sweet gender balance. But we still won't be waking up in time to watch it. [NYT]

•Nicolas Cage is almost existentially broke (is that a thing?): Christina Fulton, the mother of his eldest child, is suing him because, apparently, his legal problems have somehow left her $1.2 million in debt. This only makes sense because it is Nic Cage, and we would not put any level of fuck-uppery past him. [The Wrap]

•Quick: Name two actors who were huge in the nineties but are sort of washed-up now: Was it Jennifer Aniston and Adam Sandler? The duo is in talks to co-star in a new Columbia rom-com called "Pretend Wife," which follows Sandler as he tries to gather a wedding party. Remember when Aniston's hair was such a big deal? [THR]

•Dang, news reporters don't even have it this bad: A new website created by a PR group and a research company will be paying laid-off film critics $100 a pop to review arthouse films. Thing is: They basically just fill out a standardized survey like a focus group with questions like "who are your favorite characters?" So, film critics = glorified SAT-takers? [The Wrap]

•The Writers Guild of America has allowed writers for a joke-a-day iPhone app to become members. Surely, then, they can write a joke about this because we don't want to. [The Wrap]

•This is surely not the first New Moon related arrest, nor will it be the last: a 22-year-old girl was arrested on Nov. 28th for filming parts of the film with her digital camera: The potential sentence? Three years in prison!!! Maybe for Harry Potter this is a just punishment. Those movies were awesome. [The Wrap]

•Speaking of people from the 90s: Carsooooooonnnnnn!!!! The former MTV VJ and current NBC late-night host is back on the radio dial, where it all began. God, all the girls we had crushes on in middle school had such a crush on him. We will never forgive you Carson, no matter how many forms of media you conquer.

However, Variety notes that:

That's not to say the revolution isn't brewing. The study also reported that online video usage is up 35% vs. a year ago, while DVR playback has jumped 21%.

Also surprising: The Olds (45-54) spend more time online than any other age group, at seven hours per week. (Which is, like, about half a day's worth for us.) [Variety]

•We are guessing the people who are actually awake for "Good Morning America" are bummed that Diane Sawyer is leaving the show Friday after nearly 3,000 shows. Sawyers is taking over "ABC World News Tonight" from Charles Gibson. While Chris Cuomo's name was initially floated as a possible replacement, it looks like George Stephanopoulos will be greeting all you early risers as you greet another productive, happy day. Jerks. [LAT]

•Kristin Wiig's character Gilly is hosting SNL's Dec. 17th Christmas special: "SNL Presents: A Very Gilly Christmas". Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin will be there. We are guardedly optimistic about this one. [THR]

•Reality show producers love wives: VH1 is starting production on "Basketball Wives," a reality show about women married to NBA stars, including Shaunie O'Neal—Shaq's wife. Is there any topical joke to be made about wife-based reality shows and/or athletes' spouses? Ho hum, guess not. World, keep on a-turning. [Vareity]

•Those super-convenient $1 DVD rental kiosks in supermarkets? They're costing Hollywood $1 billion and a lot of jobs! (according to a group with strong industry ties, of course!) [THR]

•Elijah Wood and Robin Williams will likely be reprising their roles as penguins in "Happy Feet 2". (Alternate title: "Why the World Needs Another Goddamn Movie About Penguins.") [THR]

•Only bloggers who don't own TVs care about Adam Lambert, apparently: Despite tons of face-humping, ABC-cancelling, GLAAD-bumbling controversy, Lambert's appearance on CBS' "The Early Show" did bupkis for ratings. [NYT]

(photo courtesy of Phrenzee's Flickr)

Diane Sawyer's Last Week on Good Morning America
This morning on Good Morning America, Diane Sawyer took some time to let her viewers know that this week will be her last. Watch Robin Roberts and company get emotional about her 10 years with the show.

The Worst Fake Accents in Movie History
Blending accent, appearance and mannerisms, actors transform into different characters like an oversized fleshy chameleon. When they fail at this task — their only task — we reserve the right to mock them. By compiling a video of their ineptitude.

SNL's Kickspit Underground Music Festival Exists in the Real World
The funniest skit on SNL this week was a low-budget commercial advertising the worst music festival ever. Well that music festival exists in real life. And there is a heinous 14 minute YouTube video to prove it.

Profanity? In New Orleans Mayoral Campaign Ads? It's More Likely Than You Think
James Perry is a former Eagle Scout and nonprofit executive who is running for mayor of New Orleans. In a new campaign ad, Perry enlists some angry friends to comment on the "insidery" nature of the race. Bleeps galore, ahead!

Streaker at Phish Show Achieves the Impossible
On December 5, 2009 at Charlottesville, VA's John Paul Jones Arena, one man, one pound of shrooms, and not one ounce of clothing came together to defy conventional logic and make a Phish show worth watching.

We're sorry that this country is so full of homophobic prudes that kissing a guy on stage and simulating oral sex will elicit more than 1,500 complaints and get you kicked off of GMA.

Lambert was scheduled to appear on the show tomorrow—a critical gig, since his album, For Your Entertainment, just came out—but that has been canceled. "Given his controversial American Music Awards performance, we were concerned about airing a similar concert so early in the morning," a spokesperson for the show told the NY Times Arts Beat blog.

This is all the gays fault. We did what we always do and we overestimate just how much we are accepted by society. It may seem like apples and oranges (or butches and femmes) but Adam Lambert is just like what happened in California with Prop 8. We thought there was no way that the good people of California could hate gays so much they would vote down gay marriage. Well, we were very wrong.

The same thing happened here. All of the gays were telling Adam, "Keep it real. Get all faggy. You owe it to us, and they'll love you for it." He responded with a performance that was so gay that he shot rainbows out of his eyes and turned Whitney Houston in a unicorn that he rode across the stage and threw Ryan Seacrest on the back of it and they made out for 17 minutes straight. Oops, too gay. Now we've ruined it for Adam and he's going to end up playing piano in a gay bar and dying bitter and alone just like Jobriath.

The worst part about this whole thing is that we have now negated all the progress Lambert made by being an openly gay pop star in the first place. Now when the next very talented flamboyant rocker comes along all his managers and agents (most of them gay) will say, "Oh, you have to stay in the closet. Look what happened when Adam Lambert sashayed on stage at the AMAs. America will hate you."

That said, this isn't the worst thing that could happen to Lambert. He's getting plenty of attention just as his album is coming out—negative or not. The people who were offended by his dry humping were never going to buy the album anyway, and this flap might just give him enough street cred to get some people clicking the download button iTunes. We hate to make the same mistake twice, but maybe getting all nelly was the right move.

Apparently Lambert has been offered a replacement gig on CBS' The Early Show (caution, Perez Hilton link ahoy). Adam if that doesn't work out, you are welcome to perform here at Gawker HQ, and we'll let you get as queer as you wanna be. You can even put pink pancakes on Nick Denton's head. The only thing gayer than that is—well, your performance at the AMAs.

[Images via Getty]

A source familiar with the discussions inside ABC tells Gawker that among the options Disney/ABC Television Group president Anne Sweeney is considering for GMA is returning some or all of the broadcast to the network's entertainment division, a move that would simply formalize the de facto devolution of GMA—along with the other the morning newscasts—into a music-and-cooking show dressed up as a news broadcast.

Charlie Gibson is hanging up his hat at World News Tonight in December, at which point Sawyer will ascend to the anchor chair. ABC is in panic mode as it tries to figure out how to remake the broadcast in her absence. CNBC's Dylan Ratigan was supposed to join the network and fill Sawyer's pumps after Gibson retired, but he reneged on his commitment to do so and jumped to MSNBC in May instead. Gibson and Sawyer declined to delay their own plans, so now ABC is casting about for a replacement—George Stephanopoulos, Bill Weir, and current GMA co-host Chris Cuomo are all being mentioned as potential anchors around which the show can be rebuilt.

But the makeover plans could extend beyond simply shuffling personnel: Sweeney, who is personally commanding the network's strategy for GMA, is considering more drastic options, including bringing the show into the fold of the entertainment division. The whole show could be run out of Los Angeles, or the first hour could be produced as a newscast by the news division with the remainder being handed over to entertainment.

A decision hasn't been made, and we're told that the idea is still just that at this point. Spokesmen for both ABC News and the network both vigorously deny that handing over any part of GMA to the entertainment division is on the table—news division spokesman Jeffrey Schneider says there's "zero discussion" of a handover, and network spokesman Kevin Brockman says "someone is blowing smoke up your skirt."

It's not a crazy idea: GMA may have been a laughingstock among "serious journalists" when it answered to Hollywood, but it was also the number one morning show until 1995, the year ABC handed it over to the news team in New York. And the intervening years haven't been kind to the notion that morning newscasts ought to be run with news values in mind: GMA producers digitally altered Whitney Houston's voice to make it sound less crack-addicted last month after the show's entertainment producer appealed to network brass in L.A. for permission. Any serious distinctions between the news side and the entertainment side went out the window long ago.

Such a move would be disastrous for ABC News—GMA reportedly brings in more than half of the news division's revenue, and the show is the division's biggest power center. But relieving it of the pretense of having to behave like a news show would free ABC up to engage in all sorts of advertiser-whoring behavior and ratings-friendly booking arrangements—the stuff that it already does in a half-assed way and has to pretend not to—and give it a chance to beat Today like it used to, before it had to pretend to be news. So it could be a tempting idea.

Moore's press train began last week on Good Morning America, when he took some time to rail against the show's use of "permalancers," a group that's basically permanent, but don't get the benefits and, therefore, count as the underdog. It was all very amusing and true, and provided Moore with a great excuse when CBS "canceled" his appearance on tomorrow's Early Show. From a tweet Moore posted Sunday morning:

Backlash Begins: CBS has cancelled [sic] me on its Mon. morning show. After I criticized ABC/Disney on GMA, they didn't want me to do same to CBS.

While that could be true, CBS bookers tell media scallywag Rachel Sklar that they never booked him. Moore's people, though, tell a different story: they were negotiating a firm date with CBS, but then CBS got all diva about getting the sit-down after GMA already landed Moore:

I can accurately say that the bookers who book the show have definitely been in discussion with us to have him on the show. When we attempted to confirm the booking they said they didn't want to follow GMA.

Hmmm. So, Moore, we're assuming, knew CBS had said they didn't want to follow GMA, but tweeted that the network was scared of his inflammatory nature. Why are we not surprised?

Anyway, Moore's assertion, however valid, only brings the spotlight back to him, which is good when you're promoting a movie. And the movie's doing well, by the way: it opened with about $306,000 on four screens. That's the higher per-theater average for the year. Love him or hate him, Moore's a hit machine.

Did CBS Cancel Michael Moore? [Mediaite]

Matt Drudge broke the story: Charlie Gibson will retire as anchor of World News Tonight in January, at which point Sawyer, who has been co-anchor of Good Morning America since 1999, will take over.

Sawyer has long complained that she was tiring of the morning routine, and her tenure at GMA has been an open question for years. And Gibson, who was shabbily passed over in the wake of Peter Jennings' death from lung cancer and only got the gig because Bob Woodruff was injured in Iraq and Elizabeth Vargas got pregnant—a point he managed to make in his farewell memo, below—only hung around to gain the satisfaction of showing his bosses that the old horse still had some fight in him. So it's not terribly surprising that he would leave and Sawyer would take his slot. Still, it's a colossally stupid move. Or, as one TV insider put it to us: "It's the dumbest fucking idea in the long, hoary history of dumb fucking ideas in the news business."

Morning news is a growth business, and second-place GMA has been keeping Today on its toes for years. Sawyer is an integral part of a profitable, growing show, and ABC News has decided to upset the apple cart—putting GMA's success at risk and providing and opening to CBS to finally get in the game—so it can put her to work on an evening broadcast that nobody watches anymore outside of retirement homes. It's like trading a successful ballplayer down to the minor leagues.

Look how well it worked for Katie Couric: She gave up a successful morning franchise for the CBS Evening News, which has racked up little more than all-time audience lows since she took over. When CBS boss Les Moonves was engineering Couric's defection back in 2006, we asked him this question: If you could have Today's numbers at the CBS Early Show, or the NBC Nightly News' numbers at the CBS Evening News, which would you pick? He answered the only way a rational TV executive would: He'd pick the Early Show. Then why, we asked, are you devoting all your resources to resurrecting the Evening News? "Prestige," he answered. For some reason, these old people think a nightly newscast that grabs the biggest share of a dwindling and dying audience is something worth banging your dick on the table about.

Sawyer is apparently thinking along the same lines—she wants the Big Chair, even if it's not what it used to be. It'll be nice to have ladies helming two out of the three newscasts, and maybe Sawyer will be able to keep up the heated race with Brian Williams for the top slot that Gibson started. But to what end? So ABC News can lose ground on GMA, the show that actually brings in significant profits?

Here is David Westin's e-mail to ABC News staff, and below that is Gibson's note to World News Tonight staffers:

Today, Charlie Gibson announced to his colleagues at World News that he has decided to step down as anchor effective at the end of this year. I attach below Charlie's full email.

I have asked Diane Sawyer to serve as the next anchor of World News, and she will assume that position in January.

Charlie and I have been talking about his decision for several weeks, and he has persuaded me that this is both what he wants and what is best for him. I respect his decision, just as I respect the enormous contribution he has made to ABC News through the years. Most recently, he stepped in to lead World News after a difficult and turbulent time – both for the broadcast and for ABC News over all. We suffered from the loss of Peter and then the severe injuries to Bob. Charlie came to the fore to keep us on the path of doing the first rate journalism that had distinguished World News for many years. We owe him much for the leadership he gave us when we needed it most.

Since then, Charlie has covered all the major events with the substance and grace that we all expect from him. Most importantly, he headed our coverage during a presidential election unlike any other. Now, having accomplished so much in so many different parts of ABC News, Charlie has decided it is time for him to step down. I have told him that he has an open door to continue to work with ABC News, but he's asked for a bit of time before he comes back to us.

Diane Sawyer is the right person to succeed Charlie and build on what he has accomplished. She has an outstanding and varied career in television journalism, beginning with her role as a State Department correspondent and continuing at 60 Minutes, Primetime Live, and Good Morning America. She has interviewed every President since President George H. W. Bush up to and including President Obama. She has handled an array of breaking news special events, including on 9/11 and, most recently, the presidential election. She has done distinguished documentaries on topics as varied as North Korea, the plight of women in Afghanistan and in prisons here at home, and poverty in Camden, New Jersey, and in Appalachia. We are fortunate to have a journalist of Diane's proven ability and passion to step into the important position of anchor for World News. She will continue with her documentaries in her new role.

Diane's presence will certainly be missed on Good Morning America. But we are fortunate that both Charlie and Diane will remain with their current broadcasts for the next four months; we will be making further announcements well before any changes are made.

Charlie Gibson's e-mail to World News Tonight staff:

I have always been taught you should never bury the lead – so I write to tell you that I have told David Westin I want to step down as anchor of World News, and retire from full time employment at ABC News.

It has not been an easy decision to make. This has been my professional home for almost 35 years. And I love this news department, and all who work in it, to the depths of my soul.

I have received much comment, and quite a few emails and letters referring to the signoff Eddie Pinder convinced me to use - wishing that everyone has had a good day. But the proudest part for me has been saying "...for all of us at ABC News...", since those words signify in my mind that I have been in a position to speak for an entire news department that I consider second to none.

It had been my intention to step down from my job at Good Morning America in 2007 but with Peter's illness, Bob's injuries, and Elizabeth's pregnancy, the job at World News came open in May of 2006, and David asked me to step in as anchor. It was an honor to do so. The program is now operating at a very accelerated, but steady, cruising speed, and I think it is an opportune time for a transition – both for the broadcast and for me. Life is dynamic; it is not static.

I have told David I would like to continue in some capacity contributing occasionally to ABC News. He has been receptive to the idea – and we will be discussing what that role might be.

Most importantly, my heart is full of gratitude for those with whom I have had the privilege to work as a correspondent, as a host at Good Morning America, at Special Events, and now as anchor at World News.

I'll be anchoring World News through December and will have a chance to thank many of you personally. In the meantime let's get back to the news...

The taping in front of adoring fans was part of the long-lost singer's big comeback and there were reports that Houston and her voice weren't at their greatest yesterday. "She was really damaged," said one fan. That damage, said Whitney, was from gabbing with Oprah for too long.

Whatever the true cause, our tipsters says that following the concert GMA producers and network executives at ABC furiously debated what to air. Ultimately, GMA entertainment producer Karen Rhee convinced the ABC brass in L.A. — and over the objections of the ABC News executives in New York (yes, GMA is technically a news program — to bring in a post-production team to "sweeten" Houston's voice. Says our tipster:

Standards and practices people are doing cartwheels.The company line will be "She sounded great to the crowd, so we wanted to correct technical errors that occurred in the process of recording her performance." Rather than the reality which is, "She didn't sound good, and a news broadcast is altering the performance of a guest." This is not standard, nor has this ever happened before with a music performance on GMA.

While, yes, this could be true, our childlike devotion to Ms. Houston refuses to believe this. Whitney can do no wrong. Well, except for her crackhead years and that absolutely terrible Cinderella TV movie with Brandy. Other than that, she's perfect!

Grace's dogged and relentless pursuit of anyone she assumes is guilty made her a very successful prosecutor who only occasionally had convictions overturned because of her misconduct, and it also made her a hugely popular television personality. She is a nightly reminder that It Can Happen Here, and there would be a scary shitload of popular support for some law-and-order type promising to clean up American with lynch mobs (Giuliani '12!).

But she has a book to promote! It's about "Hailey Dean," "a hard-hitting, victim-rights prosecutor in Atlanta who sends hundreds of people to jail" with a murdered fiance.

Please welcome the kinder, gentler Nancy Grace. She is married and has baby twins now and so she is not shouting so much. But she is even more angry about "crimes against children" now, and we should all celebrate her "passion" and her "crusade."

But early reviews have not been kind. Kirkus Reviews calls it "formulaic and simplistic." Publishers Weekly dubs it "less than compelling." There are 70,000 copies after two printings.

Why doesn't America want to read a legal thriller about an idealized Nancy Grace figure?? And will there be sex scenes? (Foster, could you get on this?)

Woodruff, who was 28 days into a stint as co-anchor of ABC's World News Tonight when a roadside bomb left him physically disfigured and in a coma for five weeks, is reporting this week from Iraq on the improvements in medical technology and safety equipment that has helped the military reduce casualties from injuries like the ones he suffered in 2006. Woodruff, traveling with Adm. Mike Mullen, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, had this to say about his trip:

Mr. Woodruff, who was not available for an interview on Monday, wrote on the Web site that he had deliberated with his colleagues and with the military about whether he should attempt this week's trip at all.

"I have wanted to ‘get back on the horse again' since my recovery," he wrote. "This will be a different horse, probably not as big, not as fast and without running outside the ‘wire,' " meaning that he would stay within military bases "without going out on the streets or battle zones" as he did in the past.

Woodruff's first report from Iraq will air Tuesday morning on Good Morning America.

TV Journalist Injured in Iraq Returns to War [New York Times]
pic via

Since Jackson's death, it's been rumored that Dr. Klein — sort of a cross between Larry Flynt and Harvey Pekar — was the sperm donor for his two oldest children. It was a strange way to phrase a denial of those rumors. Klein also told Sawyer that he'd been aware of some of the drugs that Michael was taking, but not to the extent that was later discovered. Klein, who treated Jackson for Lupus and Vitiligo, also remarked on how unhappy he was with plastic surgeons who continued to work on Jackson's face and didn't know when to stop

The forced cheerfulness already makes every morning show host seem mentally ill, but the second they switch to Diane Sawyer "serious interviewer" mode all vestiges of humanity and dignity leak out through their wingtips.

We know Bristol, an adult, is holding herself out there as the poster child for... something about pregnancy being bad, we guess, but still—no one deserves to have Chris Cuomo ask you where your baby came from on television.

Bristol appeared on Good Morning America to polish her scarlet letter and to explain, at the behest of whomever, that while abstinence did not work for her, because, you know, she wanted to have sex with Levi Johnston (and who wouldn't!), it is the only option for you and your child. If she had to do it all over again, what would she do? Not do it all over again. She would wait ten years to have sex. Or, she'd wait ten years to have baby Tripp, but she doesn't ever mention those crazy "condom" or "birth control" options so we're forced to conclude that she thinks she'd hold off on doing it until she was almost 30.

Bristol is the "Teen Ambassador" for some group that plans to prevent teen pregnancy by reminding them that having a baby isn't really so bad, you get to have sex and lots of attention and you get to be on TV and your parents will love and support you. The group, "Candie's Foundation," at least mentions contraception on its website, but on the whole they seem to be trying the same fetishization of virginity and motherhood thing that has worked so well over the last decade. Shouldn't the ambassador for preventing teen pregnancy be either some girl who successfully made it through her teenage years without a baby or, alternatively, some poor pregnant girl from a broke-ass family who can't afford fucking diapers?

So the old Bristol's occasional lapses into reality-based statements—like, abstintence "is not realistic"—are mostly gone, replaced by the creepy, watchful presence of Todd Palin reminding her, and us, of the party line: wait!!!!

Meanwhile her old boyfriend Levi was on trashier, low-rent CBS to give his side of the story.

Watch CBS Videos Online

But at the same time, you know, abstinence is a great idea, but I also think that you need to enforce, you know, condoms and birth control and other things like that to have safe sex. I don't just think telling young kids, you can't have sex, it's just — it's not going to work. It's not realistic.

Look, when some dumb mook's method of waging a publicity war against his ex's family is to actually make the first reasonable, realistic, and responsible statement on teenage sex of this entire shitshow, well, it says something about America.

ABC's morning show announced this morning that it has finally beaten the Today Show in one meaningless measurement: "ABC NEWS' GOOD MORNING AMERICA BREAKS MORE THAN 100,000 FOLLOWERS ON TWITTER."

Also from the press release: "As of this morning, 102,655 people are twitter fans of the Emmy Award-winning morning news broadcast — far exceeding both NBC's Today and CBS' The Early Show with NBC registering only 26,185 followers and CBS a distant third with 1,457."

Last week was the Today Show's 690th consecutive week in first place in viewers, which are the things that advertisers pay television programs money for. But heads will no doubt roll at NBC News in the face of this humiliating defeat.

Also, as a point of comparison: Gawker Media alum Ana Marie Cox, who is just a person as opposed to an organ of a $33 billion multinational corporation, has 180,000 followers. Can't wait for the release when GMA beats her.