Prince, who wrote "Darling Nikki" and can now do whatever he wants as far as we're concerned, has officially declared the internet "completely over," in an interview with the Daily Mirror. It was fun while it lasted, we guess.

General Stanley McChrystal, who headed the war in Afghanistan until disparaging comments about his bosses came to light in an article last week, will retire. Let's pitch in and get him a Rolling Stone subscription as a going-away gift! [Reuters]

Takeru Kobayashi's reign as the world's most celebrated eater of hot dogs has ended. "The Tsunami" lost his world record three years ago, and now he has purposefully undermined his competitive eating contract negotiations. An excuse to eat no more?

Hard-hit NBC has another hurdle ahead: Steve Carell is signing off from hit sitcom The Office after the upcoming season, his seventh. Knowing NBC, the network will greenlight one more disastrous year without him before ultimately canceling the show.

Here is another hot bit of Manhattan media gossip for you influentials: this is my last day at Gawker. To say it's been an amazing experience would be a ridiculous understatement.

Dedicated party boy and known cat lover Alex Pareene is leaving us today to go work at a hair salon. So let's take a look back at some of his best work.

In case you don't follow the goings-on here at Gawker, we have some sad news for you. Investigative genius John Cook is leaving us for Yahoo-ier pastures today. Let's take a look back at some of our John Cook favorites.

Julia Allison has pulled the plug on her life-casting ridiculousness because it was a failure in every measurable way her "soul is exhausted". This is so sad. What's going to happen to all those delightful rebloggers? (h/t Sautechef) [NonSociety]

With her latest stab at relevancy—a new single and a VH1 show—Jessica Simpson is yet again being shoved down our collective gullet. It's time for this uninteresting, talentless person to take a hike. Forever!

Okay, time to say goodbye. I'm moving eight blocks up the street. This has been absurd. I'm starting at the Village Voice tomorrow. This is embarassing. TLDR warning. Whatever. Here we go:

Let's take a brief moment to discuss last night's first big eliminations episode. Are you surprised? Disappointed? Thrilled to the point of exploding?

It's no big secret that today is Gawker EIC Gabriel Snyder's last day. We suck at goodbyes, but we are great at telling other people what to do, so here are our suggestions for our former boss' next big step.

The Haiti earthquake: Sad, right? Especially for the media—our heroes on the front line, right there in dirty Haiti. Now, the media must start coming home, as heroes. Most are leaving gradually; one network's leaving fast as hell.

This is it! My last Gawker dance. And, in the immortal words of Denise Huxtable, I.. I... I don't know what to say. So I'll leave the goodbyes up to an old friend, dearest socialite Tinsley Mortimer, my original muse.

Brian Graden, a veteran programming executive at youth culture battle-axe MTV, has thrown in the towel after twelve years. In his goodbye memo to staffers, forwarded to us, Graden mentions an as-yet-unexplored dream: To do musical theater. Adorbs.