Justin Bieber becomes a criminal battery suspect. Cynthia Nixon marries her girlfriend. Lindsay Lohan flees a $40,000 tanning salon bill. David Beckham likes to eat babies. Tuesday gossip is for old times' sake.

Nobody seemed to know that Demi Moore was a wild whip-it party monster until she was hospitalized for a rumored whip-it induced seizure this week. Now that we know, though, the tabloids are doing catch-up. Here's all the wild whip-it partying they forgot to tell us about until now:

Scarlett hates Blake for monopolizing Ryan Reynolds. Brad Pitt counsels a suicidal actor. Kourtney Kardashian isn't getting married. Tareq Salahi wants to canoodle Kate Gosselin. Friday gossip stands in a circle and chants "Fight! Fight! Fight!"

Courtney Love scares Lindsay Lohan straight. Zoe Saldana gets "hot and heavy" with Bradley Cooper. A Kourtney Kardashian wedding is "imminent." Kristin Cavallari gets re-engaged. Do as Thursday gossip says, not as it did in the '90s.

Daniel Craig ridicules Kourtney Kardashian's placenta. Kellan Lutz gives himself a "Hitler Youth" hairdo. Ali Lohan wonders whether Dina will let her get plastic surgery. Ashton Kutcher hangs out with a cow. Wednesday gossip is full of hate.

After three years of dating a real, live celebrity Adam Shulman puts a ring on it. Hugh Jackman's wife complains about his gay rumors. Demi Moore "steps out" with a man. Kim Kardashian gives up on "fairy tale" love. Tuesday gossip is something blue.

Pippa Middleton steps out with two, yes two, boys at once. J.Lo had a lovely holiday with her new hunk. Jennifer Aniston and her beau nearly ran into Brad Pitt. Justin Bieber's fake babymomma's ex boyfriend is causing drama. Monday's gossip needs relationship advice.

Miley Cyrus is smoking more than just salvia. Prince William saves two lives. Brad and Jennifer narrowly miss an awkward run-in. Sunday gossip is going to go hang out in the cemetery.

Kris Humphries' stunning pattern of gas-passing is revealed. Jennifer Lopez and her boytoy escape to Hawaii. And Prince Harry is still partying out west. Saturday gossip rode Revenge of the Mummy, twice.

Lady Gaga poses nude for an American legend, and previews her next video. Jennifer Love Hewitt denies herself her favorite things. And a model is very mad about the release of her sex tape. Black Friday gossip is very serious at restaurants.

Scotty McCreery misses his cue. Brad Pitt wasn't always a tragically overweight, dumpy-looking urchin with a comb-over. Kim Kardashian exposes herself to The Poors and learns the true meaning of Thanksgiving. Today's Gossip Roundup is sitting on the couch with some turkeys, playing video games and eating pumpkin pie…

Justin Bieber admits he took a DNA test to see if that baby is actually his. Angelina Jolie is into some kinky stuff. Britney Spears has a hard, hard life. Howard Stern thinks he and America both have talent. Wednesday's gossip is on the 4:07 to New Haven.

Just like everything else about her nuptials, it seems like Kim Kardashian jumped the gun ordering her holiday cards with her wedding photo on them. Kristen Wiig is hanging out in her undies. Katy Perry is not pregnant. Paz de la Huerta ruined the ending of Boardwalk Empire. Tuesday's gossip has been known to make…

J.Lo was getting dirty in public with her new 20-something boytoy. Oscar de la Hoya likes it in the butt. Bethenny Frankel's cocktail may not be as pure as she thinks. Robert Wagner thought Natalie Wood was messing around the night she died. Monday's gossip lost its virginity a long time ago.

Mila Kunis finally gets her Marine Ball. Prince Harry is still partying in Las Vegas (and going to Cirque Du Soleil). Tareq Salahi is suing Michaele Salahi and Neal Schon for inscrutable reasons. Sunday gossip looks like an alien.

Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher had an open marriage—because Moore "didn't always get all she needed from Ashton." Prince Harry parties it up in Las Vegas. And Kris Humphries has a sad. Saturday's gossip is also in an open marriage with Ashton. Very open.

Lady Gaga marks her dressing rooms with urine in surprising places. Jessica Simpson plans to give birth in 4-inch Yves Saint Laurent heels. Rihanna is horny and not getting laid enough. Nicki Minaj wants to use a vibrator in front of children. Friday gossip has needs.

Kristin Cavallari feuds with the Kardashians. (Fingers crossed for mutual destruction.) Beyonce debuts her 2008 wedding dress. George Clooney's 11-year-old co-star calls him out. Thursday gossip throws the gauntlet.

Jennifer and Heidi cry it out over a glass of wine. Amy Adams discusses her muffin top. Cameron Diaz is banging Diddy again. Timberlake busts Gosling's fauxhemian pose. Wednesday gossip is glad we had this talk.