• Tinsley Mortimer's reality show Empire State gets more and more interesting. Now they've signed on phone-hacking flack Ali Wise as one of the "co-stars." They filmed her at a party at the Alice Olivia pop up store this weekend—a party also attended by reality whole and fictional reporter Betsey Morgenstern's boyfriend Freddie Fackelmayer—and a camera crew was spotted with her on October 19 when she was arraigned for breaking into romantic rival Nina Freudenberger's voicemail with something called a spoof card. Well, we will certainly be spoofing this show, and we hope that the CW will make a huge star out of Ali. It's the wise thing to do. And the puns just won't stop coming. We love this chick! Producers are a little worried what's going to happen to her after her next court date January 14. We suggest the sexiest version of Scared Straight ever. [Gatecrasher]
• Harry Potter star Emma Watson isn't exactly a slut, but she sure has been dating a lot. She was out on a date with fellow Brown student Rafael Cebrian at the Rangers game on Saturday with Yves Saint Laurent creative director Stefano Pilati as her gay chaperon. So, what did she do with ex-boyfriend, financier Jay Barrymore? Maybe she just cast a spell of invisibility on him. [P6]
• Lady Gaga's penis bought pizza for all the gays her fans who waited overnight to get her autograph in L.A. That's sweet, but doesn't she know her fans the gays still aren't eating carbs. [People]
• Hey everyone, Rosie Perez got a job! Congrats! She's costarring with Mark Wahlberg and Will Ferrell in some movie called The Other Guys, and they were filming during the real Knicks game on Saturday night. Brooke Shields also made an appearance. They also got Tracy Morgan for free, since he had courtside seats near where they were filming. [Gatecrasher]
• Even though her haircut says she is, model Agyness Deyn is not a lesbian. [P6]
• Jennifer Lopez says she meant to fall on her ass during her performance of the loathesome single "Louboutins" at the American Music Awards. She also said that Gigli is supposed to be unfunny. No guile in that girl. [NYDN]
• Gossip dowager Cindy Adams let us know that the the Sex and the City sequel (also known as Carrie Bradshaw and the Temple of Doom) is filming in Morocco and all the ladies are staying in different hotels. She also tells us about the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade back when they didn't have balloons so they just tied ropes to Pterodactyls and it was a great day in New Amersterdam. [Cindy Adams]

• The way we live now: Everyone has a sex tape, but nobody thinks his sex tape counts. Creed frontman Scott Stapp says a tape of him and Kid Rock getting blow jobs from groupies on a 1999 tour bus shouldn't count. What's more, things got totally awkward between the Christian rocker and not-Christian rocker after their simultaneous orgasms: "He adds that he and Rock used to be friends, but 'haven't sat down face to face since the incident.'" [P6]
• 
  
• Jon and Kate's divorce is nearly complete, having finished a binding arbitration this weekend wherein Jon relinquished primary custody of the kids, meaning Plus Eight only have one parent left to evade before they begin their second, much happier lives as the new boxcar children. Apparently Jon brought a bouquet of long-stemmed roses to the divorce arbitration, probably because he heard the paparazzi would be there. Kate rejected the roses, despite Jon's lawyer saying "This has been called the real-life 'War of the Roses.'" As far as I'm concerned, only two good things have come of this relationship: (1) the word "mantrum" (2) Christian Siriano being forced to reevaluate his hairdo [TMZ] [NYDN]
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• Katie Holmes took Suri to see The Lion King last night, and if X17's photos are any indication, then Suri was either (a) scared of the scary animals (b) tired from staying up late (c) terrorized by the flashing strobes of skeezy paparazzi who yell her name and take her picture everywhere she goes. [X17]
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• An explosion of female overtook Robert Pattinson at the Bowery Hotel bar this weekend! The poor, beleaguered actor whose movie just earned hundreds of millions "wouldn't even look up as [his fans] walked by," either because they scare him or because he is ashamed that his only claim to fame is playing an old, undead guy who never got laid. [NYDN]
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• Zac Efron's career goal is to star in a remake of The Graduate, but if he can't get cougar tail, he'll settle for Daniel Craig. "I'd love to be a Bond baddie," Zefron squeaked. He also says he's really glad that Robert Pattinson is distracting "female attention" away from him. Between this and Pattinson's admission that Zefron leaves him speechless, females should really be beside the point here. Make out already, you two! [ShowBizSpy]
• 
  
• Ms. Universe 2008, Dayana Sabrina Mendoza Moncada, just hired a New Jersey lawyer to get her American citizenship. American reality television welcomes you with open arms, Dayana. [P6]
• 
  
• A dapper Susan Boyle touched down at JFK yesterday and will perform live on today's Today show, where she will inevitably sing that one same song, which is her melodic version of Miss Havisham's old wedding dress. [ShowBizSpy]
• 
  

• Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart decided to opt out of going to The Box for their New York New Moon premiere after-party, instead opting to go to Avenue, where they could sit around, drink vodka, drink beer, get trashed, leave, go home, and do it. Robert Pattinson's psychotic, obsessive stalkerfans, are you listening? Tune your teenage to mid-30s adult ears to this: Rather than hang out with Kellan Lutz and the rest of their cast, you know what they're doing? They're going home and doing it. Now, I know, I know, you all think Kristen Stewart is the most evil thing in the universe and that she should die a fiery death while Rob realizes who the real lady of his life needs to be: you. You should probably get used to the fact that (A) this will never happen because you're not movie-star good looking and she is, (B) the love you do find will be some kind of settlement, (C) and they will probably work in middle management, and (D) they will not be a blood-sucking vampire, they will just suck at your will to live. So! While Robert Pattinson enjoys ditching his Twilight castmates for getting drunk and doing it with Kristen Stewart, you're getting prepared for life! #NotAfraidToBeServicey. Psychos. [Page Six]
  
  
• Okay, Boris and Natasha-esque Rush and Molloy, you done did good on this one! Today the Daily News gossip duo focus their moose-and-squirrel sights on Christie Brinkley's fourth divorce, from Peter Cook, which ex-husband Billy Joel is being a mensch about and stepping up to her defense for. Unfortunately, this is being countered by a former Brinkley maid, Alzirene Vianna, stepping out and giving details for. This shit is too crazy. Highlights: Christie never encouraged her daughter to call her dad, Billy. Christie told her then 8 year-old daughter that she basically needed to stop fucking up her relationship with Kristie's new mans. Christie used to kick doors when she was locked out of rooms by her husbands. Christie was a pillhead. Christie used to throw stuff at husbands leaving in cars from inside their house, via window. Basically: Christie Brinkley is insane, and on her fourth divorce because of it. [NYDN]
  
  
• NICE. While every guy in the club the other night after the Victoria's Secret fashion show was clamoring to get a spot next to some of the hotness, Jay-Z gave explicit instructions to keep him away from them because he didn't want to piss off Beyonce. The man's got respect for his lady, yo. If I were with Beyonce, I would, too. Jay-Z's gonna be the one guy not to fuck his good thing up. Nice. Alternate Take/Conspiracy Theory: Jay-Z worked very hard to stay away from models at the Victoria's Secret show to get his publicist to plant an item that could be corroborated with other accounts and placed in Page Six so Beyonce would let him off the short leash he's on to go kick it with models. Yeah, but again, the problem with this theory is that Jay-Z's married Beyonce. [Page Six]
  
  
• Best random fact of the day: Andre Leon Talley wears size 16 shoes. Yes, they are bespoke. [Page Six]
  
  
• OH COME ON Page Six. Today's front story is such boring bullshit (they put Patz and K-Stew in the second spot). They open up with this awesome lede about how, wait, just, read this: "They say practice makes perfect. When Mark Consuelos tried out for a permanent role on the ABC soap "All My Children," his behind-closed-doors rehearsals with future wife Kelly Ripa paid off big." So you're thinkin, oh, man, maybe they had some kind of secret closet conspiracy sex or something, awesome, Evil Kelly Ripa is the shit, except, not. Nope. It's just the story about how their rehearsal scenes for soaps were better than everyone else's because they'd done did it before. Like, sex. Except I guess sex in Kelly Ripa and Mark Consuelos' world involves lots of bare-manchest making out, heavy breathing, and speaking in expository plot points between breaths. Oh, and the people holding the rehearsals didn't know. This is top story material? Really? Related: Soap Operas make you stupider. Anything that Gossip Girl can make look functionally braindead is, on some level, an impressive feat. [Page Six]
  
  
• Richie Akiva, the guy who owns Butter and 1OAK, which are big clubby clubs that famous people go to, is having a big Thanksgiving celebration at Butter for all the clubby club people who stay in town to go eat and drink at because their families hate them because they're club rats. Kidding! No, but really, I hope they stuff their turkey with ketamine. I'd stick around for that. [Page Six]
  
  
• Diddy threw a $3M birthday party at The Plaza. There were lion-tamers and fire-breathers and clowns and magicians and probably a few druglords or two. JK, you guys. There were no lion-tamers. But there were lots of people and, oh wait, what's this? Security was tight and even Tyrese Gibson and "Twilight's" Kellan Lutz had to talk their way into the VIP area. Is it just me or is Tyrese talking his way into more and more security areas these days? Anyway. I hope Diddy got all the cheesecake he wanted for his birthday. [Page Six]
  
  
• Cross-dressing perv Marv Albert and Fiddy Cent did or did not have some kind of run-in on the Kimmel show. What? I don't know. How the hell does a rumor start about Marv Albert getting into a fight with Fiddy Cent's entourage? There are at least 21 questions about this kind of thing, none of the answers do I give a shit about knowing. [NYDN]
  
  
• Oprah announced that she's leaving The (Talk Show) Game, and now her best friend Gayle King is gonna try to steal the crown. Don't forget to kiss the ring, Gayle. [Page Six]
  
  
• Olympic swimmers! They're just like us. They like to smoke weed and sometimes mess up their taxes. Whoops! Michael Phelps, dude, face outta the bong for one sec. Take it to H&R Block, you know? [TMZ]
  
  
• Tyson Beckford drove his motorcycle in circles and then went home. [Page Six]
  
  
• Apparently, it's 1995, because TMZ is making OJ jokes again. [TMZ]

Okay, so, techinical problems aside, we're all feeling much better today! And also, I'm so excited for the next item, I can't even, well, just, okay. Hang in there for one moment. Some things are just too good for the gossip roundup, you know? YOU KNOW. Also, big ups to Jay-Z for being good to Beyonce! Sometimes, people do good things and don't go rub up on models and make a point of it, whether it's because he wants Beyonce to know explicitly or not, right? Right. Here's a good cover of Beyonce's "Halo," let's get this Sunday started.

[Photo via Bauer-Griffin]

• So, wait, when did Michael Lohan become a contracts expert? Oh, that's right: when he started representing Jon Gosselin. Yeah: that's what they were doing hanging out together all those times. Lohan was representing Jon Gosselin. Jon Gosselin elected Michael Lohan to represent him. First of all, I don't care if Michael Lohan is offering to pay your cable bill in person, you do not elect Michael Lohan to represent you in any way, least of all in any kind of contract dispute. This is a guy who can't pay his child support which is probably like $15 a month, I mean, fucking really, Jon Gosselin. We kind of thought you were a lunk before but this is absurd. The agreement was in some kind of management capacity, and Lohan brought the documents to Zombie Radar, because that's where you go if you're the Deep Throat in contract negotiations between TLC and Jon Gosselin. You go to Zombie Radar. [NYDN]
  
  
• Robert Pattinson is slowly having his soul sucked from his face because of Twilight. TMZ has the proof. Of course they do. [TMZ]
  
  
• I know, I know, you're not supposed to use this word. Can we, just this once? No? Whatever, I really don't care. My ear hurts. Carrie Prejean is retarded. How retarded? Really retarded. I mean, besides being a complete ignoramus and misanthrope, she's so retarded that she can't even fill out her own questionnaire for the Ms. California pageant, so she had the guy she boned on the sex tape help her out with some of the questions. Synergy! One of the questions she needed help with was If you could have lunch with any one (1) person, who would it be and why? Like, you need HELP with that question? If my job were to sit around all day and answer questions like that (instead of solving the philosophical mysteries of the universe, as I'm doing right now), life would be pretty swell. Can I answer this? I would like to have lunch with Joey Bishop over some well-cooked steak. And then I'd like to ask him who he was and why nobody knows who he is and discern whether or not he had enough talent to be in The Rat Pack. That is all. [TMZ]
  
  
• Hey, so! Remember that time ESPN denied sexual misconduct in the workplace? Right, like, every one of them. And then remember gossip jock sister site (and we do mean sister) Deadspin reporting on all those juicy ESPN sexual misconduct rumors that they'd been holding in their pocket forever? Turns out they were right. Katie Lacey, SVP of Marketing, was fired after ESPN had a change of heart on her longtime affair with ESPN's programming VP, David Berson, who was having an affair with Lacey. Jay Mariotti has yet to be fired for his love affair with being an asshole. [Page Six]
  
  
• I don't know if it's my computer or what but seriously, look how the Daily News gossip pages came up this morning:
  
  I mean, it's not necessarily gossip, per se, to note what a bunch of squares the people at the Daily News are, but when even the tech guys are messing with you like this, you've got problems. John Mayer reference? Maybe they're hiring. Just a thought.
  
  
• Speaking of assholes at newspapers, stupid narcs, at stupid newspapers! Get this: Gov. Paterson's stepdaughter Ashley Dennis (pictured) was gonna have a bunch of her friends from Ithaca College come rock the Gov's mansion with Jell-O shots and beer—which is bad form, everyone knows you follow Jell-O shots with actual shots—in an invite that called the place "FDR's Polio Poolhouse," which, I don't know if that's official, but I like it! I would like her to come up with a crafty name for my apartment. Anyway, her party got canceled (or as the government would have it NEVER EXISTED IN THE FIRST PLACE, #conspiracytheory) because word of the jam got to a local newspaper. Mellow: harshed. [Page Six]
  
  
• Honestly, I have no idea what the fuck is going on today. Read this story. Seriously. It's about some West Wing acctress I've never heard of defending the honor of J-Lo and Marc Anthony's dog as a "Lassie" and not a "Cujo," which is what I feel like I'm about to transform into. Seriously, everything's broken, the Daily News gossip pages are squares I have to interpret, and I feel like there's a cosmic dick in my ear and it hurts. Wrong side of the bed? More like wrong side of the universe. [NYDN]
  
  
• Okay, seriously Warner Music Publicity? This is absurd. Nobody knows who this Katherine Jenkins person is, or what she sings, or why we should be so crazy-excited about her. Who is this person, why is she sooooo big in England, and why should we care? Go! Damn. Time's up. We still don't care. No, but really, look at this quote from "iconic" Warner Music Publicist Liz Rosenberg: "I call her Leg, which is short for legend." Well, I call her "WTF," which is short for "One could theoretically spent ten minutes trying to write this item up trying to convince themselves to look up some of this person's music to find out who she is and not bring themselves to. Why?" Seeing as how that just happened, it works, right? [Page Six]
  
  
• Oprah's quitting and some of her celebrity friends like Ellen are sad. But oh, hey look, MORE OF THESE GODDAMN SQUARES.

  

  [NYDN]
  
  

• Ha. Sporstcaster Len Berman visited NBC for the first time since being fired in April to promote his book on Today. He ran into Barbara Corcoran, and she threw down a pretty solid diss on Len. You need to read it to get the set-up, suffice to say Page Six also took the time to find the right photo of Berman before going to press with this one. [Page Six]
  
  
• Another woman was stalked by the supreme creep who stalked Erin Andrews and made those peephole videos and she had to deliver testimony via a four-page statement that was read in court. Meanwhile, I know, I know, eye-for-an-eye justice is philosophically bad, because we should be humane (or something). And we should be. But this guy should, if convicted, have to spend the rest of his life with his dick in a peephole-sized vice. Honestly? I hate people. Also, this story is kind of sort of important to read and these squares are making me very, very irascible. This is not an enjoyable experience. [NYDN]
  
  
• Ed Koch had an 85th birthday. Ed Koch is old. The only thing Ed Koch could do to celebrate not being extinct was to make a bunch of shitty jokes at the expense of dead New York mayor Abe Beame. What's so funny about Beame? HE WAS A SHORT JEW HAR HAR. Not reported: when Ed Koch ceremoniously shit out a Brontosaurus Egg and gave it to Sardi's for research like he does at the end of every 85th birthday. [Page Six]
  
  
• More great news delivered via the Associated Squares that make this all the easier to write about: a South Korean supermodel was very, very depressed, and hung herself. She was beautiful. Her name was Daul Kim, and she blogged about her depression before this happened. [NYDN]
  
  
• Can we talk, for a second, about the best sighting the New York Post has ever published? No comment needed. This is just art. "Natalie Portman leaving the NY Public Library on Fifth Avenue smoking a cigarette and wearing Ray Bans." Okay, comment: #SWOON. Related: Who doesn't leave the NYPL like that? New York is cool. [Page Six]
  
  
• Enough with the hashtags already, right? #Wrong. Go away. Anyway! Apparently Tila Tequila, she of the short-lived MTV reality dating programme A Shot At Having Your Own Unique, Obscure STD with Tila Tequila—it's like Top Gear, but they test drive different strains of herpes—apparently had some kind of freakout on her live streaming broadcast page where she stripped and spoke in tongues or something. Now she's blaming it on her ex-boyfriend Shawn Merriman, who she tried to get convicted of domestic abuse. Shawn Merriman probably doesn't even know Tila Tequila's name anymore. Harsh, right? Kinda probably true though. [NYDN]
  
  
• Nick Cannon doesn't go anywhere without Mariah Carey who is now his bodyguard. The Emancipation of Mimi apparently involves the imprisonment of Nick Cannon. Also, Ben Silverman grew a beard to distinguish himself from Ricky Van Veen, and Vanity Fair was there to get all the action. [VF]
  
  
• Ha! Remember the scuzzy fuckball paps that tried to infiltrate and mess up Britney Spears' life? Yeah, well, he's going to jail for 45 days on charges associated with being a scuzzy fuckball and Brit-Brit is still fabulous. Don't call it a comeback, bitches. Mess with the gays' icons and they'll get you put in the slammer, for serious. Speaking of: when is the inevitable batshit craziness of a Lady Gagadong and Brit-Brit collab joint gonna pop off? Needs to happen. [NYDN]

Okay, well, this day's going to be nothing but strangeness, apparently. Have you ever seen someone blog with an ear infection? You're about to! I feel like I'm leaning exactly 23 degrees to the left. Here's a song, let's all get funky and just try to ride this one out, I guess. Happy Saturday!

[Image via Bauer-Griffin]

• Last time we heard from Mitch Winehouse, he was talking about daughter Amy's hot new rack. Now he's explaining the real reason for Amy's trip to the hospital last weekend: "It wasn't because she had a cold. She's fine, she just had a little [points to his chest] leaky something or other." Does that really happen? Brand new breasts just spring a leak? I was always under the impression you had to be skydiving into ice-cold water or boxing Layla Ali to apply enough force to bust one of those open, but then, Wino has always been somewhat impervious to the laws of physics. [Sun]
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• Demi Moore was totes photoshopped on her ragingly hot W cover. [fig.1] But, despite the overwhelming evidence, she's still denying it! [fig.2] Mrs. Ashton Kutcher retweeted several fans' defenses of her weirdly photoshopped hip, cheering "I have no hips!" and "I love the pic and can only say I wish I had good lighting like that following me around all day!! Haha" and "i am in the skinny side lately." [HuffPo]
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• Levi Johnston went to GQ's Men of the Year party and no one gave a crap about him. Apparently Hollywood isn't as into Ricky Hollywood as ol' New York is, probably because their sense of irony is weaker. [HuffPo]
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• Everyone's still mad at Kate Moss for saying "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" a couple days ago. Now activists are pulling the mommy card, since Moss has a seven-year-old daughter. Moss' modeling agency stands by her, though they are suddenly reminded why the Kate Moss policy was always "look pretty, don't open mouth." [Us]
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• John Kerry has rushed to daughter Alexandra's defense regarding yesterday's DUI arrest, and seems cautiously optimistic about his daughter's fate, since she was under the legal BAC limit and was pulled over for expired tags. TMZ says "it's unlikely prosecutors will file charges," which probably has nothing to do with My Daddy the Senator, but then again, it probably doesn't hurt. [TMZ]
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• Out editor Aaron Hicklin got pissed at Adam Lambert for faking straight too many times, and Lambert is pissed right back. In an interview with Entertainment Weekly, the American Idol star says Hicklin "really crossed a line," took statements "out of context," and unfairly pigeonholed him. "Not every gay man is the same gay man," Lambert said. "It's just sexuality." That's right, nobody can take your sexuality away from you, other than marketing executives with big plans for making your album go platinum with teen girls. Anyway, now that we've entered the "critical discourse on the nature of human sexuality" phase of this story, I'm officially jumping ship. Get back to me when you date someone interesting or make a sex tape, Adam. [EW]
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• Tina Fey's nefarious plot to destroy NBC continues. At an Ad Council gala the 30 Rock star joked, "NBC is sadly the fourth-place network; actually, we're in ninth place if you count the radio stations ahead of us right now." The crowd laughed uproariously and as it slowly dawned on a room full of NBC-Universal executives that they might not be in on the joke any more. [P6]
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• For her seventeenth birthday, Miley Cyrus dressed up as Julia Roberts' character from Pretty Woman, A.K.A., a whore. Jesus Christ, Billy Ray, rein in your daughters. [P6]
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• Top fashion model Daul Kim, a 20-year-old from South Korea, was found dead yesterday in her Paris apartment in an apparent suicide. Kim shot video diaries and had a popular blog. Her last post, dated the day before her death, read "say hi to for ever." [P6]
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Figures 1 & 2

• Kristen Stewart and Dakota Fanning make out in The Runaways, and Dakota said they "were so into the scene." Dakota, who also co-starred with sulky Stewart in New Moon, continued: "It was passionate. We're playing Joan Jett and Cherie Curie and they're best friends in the film and became really close in real life. And that's something that went down back in the '70s." Actually, that's something that goes down now, too, but the bigger issue here is: Little Dakota Fanning grew up so fast! It seems like only yesterday Kathy Griffin was making inappropriate jokes about Dakota going to rehab, and now she's actually old enough to do such a thing, and to make out in movies, and do lesbian sex scenes, &c. [ShowBizSpy]
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• Joe Francis plans to file for bankruptcy today, because he owes the IRS $33,819,087.14, and while they wait for him to cough it up, they've frozen some $100M of his assets. Three issues of disbelief: (1) Why does this man have so much money? Yes, this comes up every time there is a story about Joe Francis' ungodly wealth, but it is necessary to keep saying it, lest we lose our grip on how wretched a world that rewards this man truly is. (2) He racked this debt up in three shorts years. Let this be is a lesson in the terror of IRS interest rates. (3) Does the IRS really need to specify down to the fourteenth penny in this case? You'd think that once you hit the $10M mark, they'd round to the nearest thousand or something. [TMZ]
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• Kirstie Alley says Conan "acts like I bit his dick off." During a twitter bitch-fest with Star Jones about how much they hate people who laugh at fat celebs, Kirstie nicknamed him "CONAN O'BITCH O'BRIEN" prompting Star to joke about "brothers from Brooklyn" who "wanted some" (I think. Between the typos and ellipses I'm having trouble making sense of this stuff. It's like decoding hieroglyphics.) and LOLs all around. [HuffPo]
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• Rihanna's dating again! She spent time with 90210 star Tristan Wilds in L.A. last weekend, and appreciates how he is "a real gentleman." Did we mention he's working on a CD? [NYDN]
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• Nicole Richie has been hospitalized for pneumonia. Richie skipped the launch of her Bebe jewelry line House of Harlow last week because she felt sick—did she already have pneumonia then? Are little Harlow and Sparrow okay? [ShowBizSpy]
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• This advice will help an entire generation of starlets: Pam Anderson explains how came clean to her kids about her sex tape with their dad. Anderson says she anticipated a new wave of interest following her cameo on Borat, so explained to her 12- and 11-year-old sons that videotaping sex is something that happens when you are "massively in love," which, for some reason, strikes me as kind of sweet. I always thought a cleaned-up Tommy Lee was the one meant for Pammy. [NYDN]
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• Suri Cruise threw a tantrum over a mink coat she saw in a store window. Katie Holmes said no, so Suri cried, and I am reminded yet again that this child's life is 800 times better than mine. [ShowBizSpy]
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• Robert Pattinson needs to learn which stories about rabid fans are funny and which just freak us out. In a taped interview with Ellen DeGeneres airing Friday, Pattinson describes how he once cajoled a female fan into getting naked in public. An autograph-seeker asked, "What can I do to get your attention?" and Pattinson replied, "um, just take your clothes off." The girl ripped her clothes off and "got dragged out of the room by security." Lest we think Edward Cullen a total perv he adds that he "never felt more terrible," it's just that he has a terrible sense of humor, you see. [People]
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• The patriarch of a family that received tens of millions from Michael Jackson to settle a molestation case committed suicide yesterday. Evan Chandler shot himself in the head in his home and was "extremely ill" with cancer, so it probably had nothing to do with Jacko, but the MJ conspiracy theorists will probably go nuts today, anyway. [CNN]
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• Erin Andrews' alleged peephole stalker has been charged with one count of internet stalking. Court documents reveal that he used the email address handsfouryou@yahoo.com, which reminds me of Mr. Hands, the guy who died of a perforated colon after having sex with a horse. This raises an interesting question: Who is creepier, Mr. Hands or Mr. HandsFourYou? At least the horse consented, sort of. Anyway, Mr. HandsFourYou gave his peephole video the file name "Erin Andrews Naked Butt," suggesting that his ability to foresee the consequences of his actions were as weak as Mr. Hands'. [TMZ]
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• Shauna Sand, the scariest face in adult entertainment, penned an impassioned missive to Carrie Prejean describing her own odyssey from unwitting sex tape participant to Vivid-Celeb star: "Instead of spending thousands of dollars in legal fees... I could actually turn things around." Like Carrie, Shauna "not only starred in, but also directed and added the music to" her sex tape. I'm pretty sure Vivid chair Steve Hirsch forced Shauna to do this. Alternately, it finally dawned on Shauna that she might get a late-breaking burst of attention. [TMZ]
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• Unfortunately for Shauna and Vivid, Carrie is sick and tired of this game. No means no, you meanie heathens. Prejean's lawyer sent a letter to Vivid charging that "your company has apparently told the media that it plans to publish the videotapes and/or photographs of my client with or without her permission." Which, to be fair, is a pretty ominous thing to have hanging over your head. [TMZ]
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• 50 Cent had his arm tattoos removed. "I've been on a few acting projects and they been making me get up... My call time is four hours before the regular acting talent because of the tattoos." Now that he's starring opposite Nicolas Cage in a boxing flick, the early morning annoyance to insane laser removal pain ratio has finally reached its tipping point. [ShowBizSpy]
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• Bijou Phillips' incest-y movie is totally embarrassing now that Mackenzie's incest book is out. Bijou is freaked out about the Dec. 1 premiere of Made for Each Other, where she will have sex scenes with Chris Masterson, who is the brother of her real-life husband Danny, who is also in the movie. OK, Mackenzie's bombshell obviously makes this a lot worse, but I'd venture to say it was kind of icky before that, too. [P6]
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• "Battle of Anchors at ABC"! Charlie Gibson hates Diane Sawyer and is begging for George Stephanopoulos to be his successor on Sunday morning's This Week ABC Evening News, mostly to infuriate the guys who type in the names that go on the bottom of the screen. [P6]
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• J.Lo's ex—the one trying to sell her sex tapes—says Jenny from the Block is stalking him. Says his business manager: "She's having him followed." Says his lawyer: "He's had death threats." Now, shadowy detectives I was willing to believe, but once they threw death threats in, I knew it was a lie. J.Lo is many things, but she is not sloppy. [P6]
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• Alleged Cindy Crawford blackmailer surrenders! Edis Kayalar, the male model accused of demanding $100,000 in exchange for "sexy" S&M photos of Crawford's 8-year-old daughter, has turned himself in to German authorities. Now he must wait around while L.A. County figures out what to do with the alleged horrifying creep. [People]
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• New Moon star and werewolf-portrayer Kellan Lutz got bounced from his own movie's after party. Apparently the security guards didn't know who he was and "it looked like things were getting physical between then," at which point Lutz sprouted fur from his back and claws from his hands, ripped the velvet rope to shreds, and proceeded in. [P6]
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• The police chief accused of breaking into Sarah Jessica Parker's surrogate's home stole ultrasounds and a plaster cast of the mom's belly, a paparazzo testified in open court. Allegedly, the accused was a total hardball, demanding $1000 for the surrogate's name and address, and gearing up for a serious haggle for the tummy mould. Cindy Crawford's blackmailer should take note: This is how the professional sleazebags roll. [AP]
• 
  
• Heather Locklear is "acting like a prima donna" on the Melrose Place set because she is "insecure and on edge." Also, now that A.Simps is gone, she's the most famous one there, so it's sort of her right, you know? [ShowBizSpy]
• 
  

  Correction: Stephanopoulos hosts This Week, the promotion Gibson allegedly wants him to get is to anchor the evening news. Apologies.

• Lady Gaga and Beyonce made a music video! It's for Beyonce song Video Phone. It alludes to Reservoir Dogs, Beyonce wears a Zorro mask and carries an assault rifle, and Gaga wanders around looking totally normal. All in all: Headtrip. Also, between this and her own video, Gaga's been showing a lot of her very, um, vampy face lately. Is it part of her campaign to convince us that she is a tranny? [fig.1, below] [MTV]
  
• 
  
• Nicole Kidman had an awesome time with her baby weight because it gave her boobs: "They're not very big, my boobs, so they just became normal size. I loved it! I felt very Woman," she told Ladies' Home Journal. But here's the thing: ShowBizSpy quotes Nicole's quote in LHJ, but when I went to LJH's website, I couldn't find the passage! It is possible that boring Nicole's boring yammering about Keith Urban caused my eyes to glaze over, rendering me temporarily illiterate during my attempt to read the profile? Does the pregnant-boob quote really exist? Inquiring minds want to know. [ShowBizSpy] [LHJ]
• 
  
• Levi Johnston dressed up as the Unabomber after his tragically not-penis-showing Playgirl shoot yesterday, but he messed up the disguise by choosing a hooded sweatshirt that said ALASKA on it. [fig.2] There are only two Alaskans in all of New York this week, and one of them is Sarah Palin, and to be her you'd have to have tits, so we know it's you, Levi, you cannot hide. UPDATE: I am informed that Levi's shirt in fact reads ALASKAN BREWING COMPANY, the beer of choice for rugged Alaskan frontiersmen. [TMZ]
• 
  
• Brangelina are designing snake-inspired jewelry for charity. The line—entitled The Protector—features silver baby spoons, an eggcup, a tooth box (eery?), and diamond-encrusted pendants and rings, all themed with coiled snakes. The proceeds will go to child education in wartorn regions, where snakes sometimes reside, but sterling silver eggcups rarely do. [ShowBizSpy]
• 
  
• Adam Lambert wants more tattoos, but he doesn't have any ideas what to ink on his body next. It's the perennial conundrum of ostentatiously "unique" vapid people: an insatiable desire to express oneself, but no dust bunnies worth expressing in one's empty little head. [ShowBizSpy]
• 
  
• This is horrifying: Tila Tequila (93 lbs, 4'11") has submitted photographs of her black-and-blue bruised arms as evidence in her lawsuit against ex-boyfriend and NFL star Shawne Merriman (280 lbs, 6'4"). Naturally, TMZ has compiled them into a gallery, along with pictures depicting the enormous size difference between these two humans. The San Diego County D.A. never filed criminal charges against Merriman, which makes the whole case even weirder. [TMZ]
• 
  
• Spencer Pratt went on a Twitter rampage yesterday after his and wife Heidi Montag's interview with Al Roker was cut from The Today Show "due to a change in the show's schedule," according to a spokesman. Roker and Speidi sparred months ago when Al called Spencer a "jerk" on the air and Heidi almost cried. Among Spencer's myriad raging tweets: "WEATHERMAN I thought you were out of town today getting your stomache stapled again?" and "is it true you have been married 6 times? I'm sure all your wives left you when they realized you were abusive to women! Sicko!" I really hope whoever cut Speidi did it for the express purpose of pissing Spencer off, because the effect was pretty glorious. [NYDN] l
• 
  
• Aaron Carter owes more than one million dollars in back taxes, which is apparently why he cried so hard when he got kicked off Dancing with the Stars. How can he possibly owe this much money? There is no way he's even earned that much money in his life, is there? [TMZ]
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• Janet Jackson blames Dr. Conrad Murray for her brother's death, because he "was the one administering" the fatal propofol. She also says she found out about Michael's death after her assistant saw it on CNN and called her, which is testament either to the brutal speed of 24-hour media or the callousness of Jacko's inner circle for not calling his family members sooner. [NYDN]
• 
  
• Signs of the apocalypse: Rep. Jason Chaffetz (R-UT) says Carrie Prejean should run for political office, because she "has the ability to draw crowds and if she has a strong message to go with that, who knows what she can do? She has star power which can open doors." [TMZ]
• 
  

  Figure 1
  

  Figure 2
  

• Heidi Klum continues to defy gravity and nature, agreeing to yet another Victoria's Secret show shortly after giving birth her fourth child. Obviously, this woman sold her soul to the devil long ago in return for a flab-less belly and elastin-rich skin that knows not the plague of stretch marks. Vicki's is having a bit of a staffing crisis for this year's $12M show, with angel-wing heavyweights Karolina Kurkova, Gisele Bundchen, and Adriana Lima all preggers. [P6]
• 
  
• Meanwhile, Amanda Peet told Parade she can't stop the parade of age: "I'll sag no matter what." Now that's my kind of girl. [P6]
• 
  
• "Sticky Fingers" Lohan is back! LiLo reported "stormed into the kitchen" at L.A. club Crown Bar "and grabbed two bottles of really expensive champagne. She finished both bottles with a friend." Presented with the check, she had a "meltdown," then had to call a friend to borrow a credit card number. This is deeply, tragically pathetic. You know, there was a time when being a young Hollywood trainwreck was enough to get you a free drink in this town. [NYDN]
• 
  
• The National Enquirer says Regina Letterman kicked Dave out of their Westchester manse, forcing him to live in relative squalor in his massive lower-Manhattan loft. But wait! Letterman's spokesman has denied the report to the Daily News, which sniffs that the "supermarket tabloid" has the story all wrong. Standards, people. [National Enquirer] [NYDN]
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• After blowing 0.08 and 0.09 breathalyzers and receiving a DUI, Stephanie Pratt is going to rehab. Hey, did someone just say "free champagne"? [ShowBizSpy]
• 
  
• Jon and Kate Gosselin were both invited to Phillies star Shane Victorino's Hawaiian paradise wedding, but only Jon went to the Flyin' Hawaiian's nuptials. The kids stayed home with Kate. [RadarOnline]
• 
  
• German police raided an apartment near Stuttgart in connection with Cindy Crawford's extortion case. Edis Kayalar, the 26-year-old German national accused of trying to blackmail Crawford with a horrifyingly sadomasochistic photo of her 8-year-old daughter, will definitely go to hell if the accusations are true. Even blackmailers have certain lines they don't cross. [NYDN]
• 
  
• Hotel owner Andre Balazs (of Meapacking porno fav Standard Hotel fame) is a cover boy: He co-stars with model Angela Lindvall in the new Brioni ads, because sometimes being filthy rich and fabulous just isn't enough, and you just need that extra oomph of being objectified by gay men, too. [P6]
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• Hurting for cash or overflowing with creative talent? Flavor Flav is entering Doritos' annual "Crash the Super Bowl" ad contest, putting himself in the running for a $1 million prize. [P6]
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• "Ominous Illness Sidelines UFC Champ Lesnar": Apparently ultimate fighting's heavyweight champ is holed up in hospital in North Dakota, and everyone's whispering about what's really wrong with him. The first reports said swine flu; then they said mono. The whole ordeal is weirdly secretive, which makes me think of that one rapper who had AIDS. Hopefully Lesnar has something really shocking, but also benign, so we don't have to feel guilty about it. Like a third testicle, that has suddenly begun to descend. [TMZ]
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• Julianne Moore will guest on 30 Rock as Jack's lover. Apparently the surfeit of 30 Rock guests' Emmy noms has the cream of Hollywood's crop begging for a chance to get on the show. [NYDN]
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• Why is everyone still freaking out over Brangelina going to Saturday's MOCA gala? She wore a black dress, he wore a suit. They stared at art and said nothing. Are the rest of our celebrities so boring that this pair's silent, monochromatic presence in a hushed art gallery two days ago is big enough to score top billing at RadarOnline? But wait, look at this sentence, it has a hyperlink: "Angelina looked quite different when she did a swimsuit modeling sessions as a teenager." Now I see. [RadarOnline]

• Uh-oh. When you read the headline "Paris Strikes Back at the Kardashians," you know you're in for some shit. #BEEF is the word. All I have to say before I read this is: Team Paris. Because it takes more to manage fame than a large ass and a bunch of braindead sisters whose names begin with K, you know? Paris backed out of the game for a while. Kept in on the DL, nahmean? She knows how to moderate these things. Now, let's see....oh, well this just sucks: Paris is "jealous" of Kim and Ko. because Kim and the Kardashians are kommanding all of this attention that she used to. So now she's gonna unveil a new line of products and let us know that her and boyfriend Doug Reinhardt are stable and normal and are also kind of thrifty, or something. I don't like this at all. If Paris wants to get back on the scene, cool, except real recognize real, P: don't change your stupidly lavish ways, you're watering down the product. All that said, still: Team Paris. [Page Six]
  
  
• Meh, meh, okay. Fine. Boris and Natasha-esque gossip duo Rush and Molloy did an okay job this Sunday, after they rocked last week with crazy Scientology nonsense. This time, it's crazy strip club nonsense. Shitbag Michael Lohan supposedly wanted girls who looked like—eww—his daughter to dance for him, and Lindsay came in the week after to (heh) meet them. Madonna stiffed the dancers. Bill Maher was, naturally, a piece of shit. Bill Gates left a $3,500 tip. Demi Moore and Bruce Willis were, of course, totally cool. And then there's this gem:

  Ann Landers? The advice columnist?

  "Yeah, she interviewed John Kennedy Jr. while girls danced around him."

  Word. Related: let's bring back George, please. [NYDN]
  
  

• Okay, Diane von Furstenberg: clearly, you ate your vegetables and drank your Pimp Juice for dinner the other night, because this is pretty awesome. DVF was at a jam at The Standard and decided she needed to go home because it was ovah for her. Her rooftop Meatpacking District lair—I'm serious, it's like something that emerged somewhere between Narnia and Spaceballs—is just a few blocks away, so she decided to hoof it. Having recently been mugged in Spain, she pointed to tall, good looking guy at the party, and said, You, you are escorting me home. Baller status. DVF, we approve. [Page Six]
  
  
• Papa Lohan, besides being insane, is still in deep contention for Fuckface Father of the Year: he skipped out on some promise to raise money for special needs kids. [Page Six]
  
  
• Scary Metal Bro from Slipknot got married in Vegas, and him and his wife walked down the aisle to For Whom The Bell Tolls. Well, his mother definitely isn't Jewish. This is like the opposite of the Chris Brown Wedding Dance people. [People]
  
  
• Page Six: Michael Moore, you're fat and you're movie sucks. Also, you've done nothing to win the favor of Page Six, like escorting Diane von Furstenberg home. Asswizzard. [Page Six]
  
  
• Get this: some model named Chanel Iman thinks the Boom Boom Room is a great place to hang out. Big fucking surprise. Related, Gawker readers, for purposes of context, you should heretoforth do whatever research is necessary to understand what a Boom Boom Room is and why it's significant to this here feature. Because you will be reading about this Room of Boom Boom. Oh yes. You will. [NYDN]
  
  
• The guy who used to be Billy Mays' partner on Pitchmen, Anthony Sullivan, wants a six-foot wall put up around his home because neighbor Derek Jeter has one, too. Yes, well: Derek Jeter also gets to have sex with Minka Kelly, but you don't see me trying to have sex with Minka Kelly, do you, Anthony? Jesus. Just be happy for him. You're worse than Jason Street. Also, notice how I had to actually preface Anthony Sullivan's name with what he did to get famous? That's because he's not famous enough to get cleared for building a six-foot wall in Tampa. [Page Six]
  
  
• Dear Art Garfunkel: Just because you're Art Garfunkel doesn't mean you have to treat the world like an Art Garfunkel. I hope Paul Simon laughs at you the next time he sees you, you complete assface. Art Garfunkel screamed at someone for a tissue and also told someone to quiet down a developmentally challenged person after they were making noise in his show, after which, they were escorted out. That's so sad. You know who'd write a great song about it? Yup: Paul Simon. Asswizzard! [Page Six]
  
  
• OMFGFGGG okay, wow, deep breath, okay. There's some story about Kelly Osbourne and a dog and a Swatch store but it doesn't matter all you need to know is that if you click on the link you will see a picture of something spawned from the demon asshole of hell and it's terrifying and almost kind of rock and roll but still Jesus be prepared and don't say I didn't warn you because I just did. [Page Six]
  
  
• Rosie O'Donnell's partner moved out and they're no longer making whoopie under the same roof. This is sad, except great, because I don't have to think about Rosie O'Donnell having sex again for another six months. Breakfast! It tastes worse coming up. [NYDN]
  
  
• The guy from Hair has a huge dong. Go figure. Some lady ripped off his loin-cloth when he was doing his ridiculous hippie dance in the audience during the show and he got to let the sun/follow-spot shine in on his wang. [Page Six]
  
  
• Ugh. Sammy Sosa, you are freaking me out right now. Mark McGwire's balls shrink so you go and become white? So fucked up. Ughhh. Don't get it. [TMZ]
  
  
• Carrie Prejean's sextape is just aching to get out there. Also, best Carrie Prejean's Sextape-Related Headline: Carrie Prejean Has More Sex Tapes Than John McCain Has Houses. Genius. [NYDN]

Hey! It's Sunday. Enjoy yourselves today. Be thankful that you both (A) are not Art Garfunkel and (B) have gotten all of the Art Garfunkel's out of your life. And if you don't, maybe today would be a good day to do it, no? I hope I'm not your Art Garfunkel. In the mean time, a little jam from Paul Simon. I'd pick something from Capeman, but we're not that far into the day. So, let's do this instead:

[Photo via Bauer-Griffin]

• You guys. Don't you just love it when you sit around talking about the good old days, like St. Elmo's Fire, or something, and then something happens to remind you that, you know what, These Are The Days? Something like that happened and it made the front story of Page Six. Who ran crying out of a party? Lindsay Lohan ran crying out of a party. God, I feel 22 again! So: Am I supposed to know who this Courtenay Semel person is? She looks like a broke-ass Brittny Gastineau or something. Actually, I have no idea what the hell she looks like, either, it just sounded right, you know? Anyway. This Court-en-ay person used to be good friends with LiLo and then (Team) Lohan became too fabulous for her and now, they ran into each other at a party at Gastineau's place. Apparently, Court-en-ay (sound it out) just got out of rehab and came back ready to rock out with her fabulous out, or whatever, and she decided to try to help LiLo by giving her some advice on going to rehab in a very public manner. Princess Lipsdsay was not happy about this and cried and left, and all of the Sunlillies in the Kingdom of Hollywood wept a shimmering, single petal, as they do every time Lilo leaves a party that had Jill Zarin, Nicole Murphy and Jamie Foxx at it (Let's be honest, you know Jamie Foxx made a really funny joke about this shit: Blame it on the Bus-prin?). Lohan left to go party with some shipping heir, Starvos The Greek, until 7AM. [Page Six]
  
  
• America's Prettiest Homophobe Carrie Prejean apparently made seven different sex tapes and took lots of nekkid pictures before she was a Crazy Homophobe and went on Larry King and freaked out. Girl, don't you get it? You say some stupid shit and act all proud, like we should care. Then, you try to "take your message" of hate out whatever, fine. But you know the world's gossip pages are run by queens and showtune-loving Jews who would love nothing more than your moral hypocrisy of shame spread prostrate (or in this case, spread eagle) in front of America the Public? You should get Levi Johnston's manager, this Tank character. He may be a crook, but at least he's a crook who knows what he's doing. [NYDN]
  
  
• Twilight fans, you know how much I hate you. Now know how much the directors of the movie hate you: Catherine Hardwick was basically all like, yeah, Rob Patz and K-Stew's romance was a slowwwww burn, baby. Which probably feels like taking a band-aid off very slowly to you. [NYDN]
  
  
• Oh, Daniel Radcliffe, you are the shit, son. Radcliffe denied he smoked weed today after he was pictured on the front page of a British tabloid smoking what appeared to be a paper with some wackiness in it and wearing a, wait for it, "bizarre, comic-looking beard etched on his face." Much like my real one. He claims to be smoking a hand-rolled cigarette. Does it matter what he was smoking? He either smokes rollies or he smokes L's, and he was wearing a drawn-on beard on his face. He likes cougars, and the first performance he made on Broadway was a Dirk Diggler moment people shelled out over $100 to see. Also, he's Harry Potter. Could have it worse, you know? [Page Six]
  
  
• Lindsay Price and Josh Randor broke up. Who? One of them is from some Eastwick show the other is a guy from How I Met Yo' Momma. [NYDN]
  
  
• Serena Williams: Bootylicious? Apparently, her jelly isn't ready to play tennis these days. [Page Six]
  
  
• Shameless Self-Promotion: Jared Leto is the best. [BlackBook]
  
  
• Some dicknose trying to shake down Cindy Crawford is a real piece of shit. Surprised? He also beat his ex-wife a bunch when they were married. [NYDN]
  
  
• And speaking of dicknoses, Jon Gosselin is now claiming to be too famous to be employed. So serious right now. He's filing a lawsuit against TLC saying that they've rendered him unemployable due to the insane media interest on him. Hey, Court of Law, as a member of the media, I can say that Jon Gosselin is the one attempting to draw our interest out, and he's pretty bad at that job, too. [NYDN]
  
  
• Stripper, to Fergie: "Sorry for sleeping with Josh Duhamel." Kids, to Stripper Mom: "Sleeping with Josh Duhamel < Stripping." [NYDN]
  
  
• Normally, whenever PETA opens their mouths, even if it's for a good cause, you're like OMGSTFU PETA, you guys are being crazy-obnoxious right now and a detriment to your cause. But I have to say, on this one, well played: they're asking US Marshals to donate Ruth Madoff's furs to the homeless to "highlight the difference between need and greed." Like, whoever made that PR play and got it in Page Six, smooth. Take the day off, PETAPerson. [Page Six]
  
  
• Some old guy does it with young chicks, or something. Go get 'em Saturday gossip pages. [Page Six]

And here we are: Saturday, the Saturday of Our Lives. I don't know what that means, but maybe Lindsay Lohan will help us all find out.

[Photo via Bauer-Griffin]

• 26-year-old Edis Kayalar is accused of blackmailing Cindy Crawford and husband Rande Gerber with a "sexy photograph" of their 8-year-old daughter "in revealing clothing, bound to a chair and gagged." The photo was taken by the girl's former nanny; Kayalar allegedly wanted $100K for it, but ended up handing it over to Gerber for a mere $1000 and the promise of a wire transfer in the near future. Excuse me, I have to go induce vomiting to get this horrible story out of my system. [NYDN]
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• "Everyone was talking" about Nicole Kidman at the CMAs. "She looked freakish. She just had her lips done, and now she looks like Meg Ryan." Kidman reportedly "flipped out and took off running" when people started asking questions. [P6]
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• When Harry Potter gets high, he "laughs his head off." The Mirror says Daniel Radcliffe smoked a spliff at a party and started babbling about how awesome weed is and let a chick draw on his face, which is actually compelling evidence that Radcliffe is pretty clean-cut, because no self-respecting pothead would act that stupid unless a vaporizer was involved. [Mirror]
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• "Chris Brown still can't live down his Rihanna attack," Page Six says. Um, I should hope not, mostly because the phrase "live down" usually refers to sophomoric embarrassments, not brutal acts of violence against a loved one. Apparently Chris went to a shoe store where a woman screamed, "[bleep]ing beater! I hope someone beats the [bleep]ing [bleep] out of you!" and someone caught the inestimably uncomfortable, weirdly long confrontation on video, here. The most surreal part is how people continue to line up to get their photo taken with him, even as the heckler shrieks mere inches from their faces, and then a dude bro jumps into the frame and barks "Chris Brown is the MAN." [P6]
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• Zsa Zsa Gabor has $118,321 in unpaid taxes, which is nothing compared to the $10 million in unpaid Madoff dividends she has. [TMZ]
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• 1-year-old Trig will not appear in Barbara Walters' interview of Sarah Palin, owing to a cold that prevented him from making the trip from Alaska. The deal was supposed to be that Oprah got Palin's first interview, but Barbara would get an exclusive with Trig. Now she'll just have to settle for Willow and Piper. [P6]
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• Twilight director Catherine Hardwicke told Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart not to date: "After I cast him, I told Rob, don't even think about having a romance with her... She's under 18. You will be arrested." Now that Kristen's 19, though, all bets are off! Yahoo. [ShowBizSpy]
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• Maybe the nude romps got her in the mood? Rebecca Gayheart is expecting her first child with husband and fellow video hot tub video star Eric Dane. She is doing yoga, walking on the beach, and eating vegetables to enhance the fetus inside of her, because rich people do everything better, including child bearing. [ShowBizSpy]
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• As the latest installment of Michael Lohan's taped phone conversations with Dina make their way on Radar Online (Lindsay cuts, Dina feared for her daughter's life) TMZ reports that a protective order Dina got in 2005 bars Michael from communicating with her until 2011. Dina's lawyers are apparently working to get Michael thrown behind bars for it. [TMZ]
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• Balloon Dad Richard Heene's mugshot is out! It's not nearly as haggard as you'd hope, but gratifying nonetheless. [TMZ]
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• And in meta-gossip: TMZ stole from Radar. The latter posted Jon Gosselin's court documents against TLC, and an hour later, TMZ posted them, too—after having a photoshop expert scrub off Radar's logo. Clever Radar had "put other markings on the documents," though, so they laid the smack on Harvey Levin. Radar offers but one slyly bitchy comment: "Theft is the sincerest form of flattery." [P6]
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• This has sexy potential. Robert Pattinson describes the glorious moment he first came face-to-face with the man of his dreams, Zac Efron: "He was a really cool guy. That was one of the first times I'd ever been star-struck, but just because his face is so specific, it's kind of surreal." Since I was only able to locate one picture of them together in the history of wire images [fig.1, below], I'm pretty sure they didn't actually bang, but, sigh, let's pretend. [ShowBizSpy]
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• Former The City star Erin Lucas has a lesbian kiss with Israeli model Adi Neumann in some movie they're in together. [fig.2] "I popped my cherry on camera. How appropriate," said the gay-for-screen-time Lucas. [P6]
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• Mike Tyson was detained at LAX last night for assaulting a paparazzo. Tyson punched the guy in the face so hard the photog had to be hospitalized. Both parties claimed it was the other one's fault, so the LAPD arrested both. No word the status of either of their ears. [LAT]
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• Carrie Prejean's ex-boyfriend—the one she sent that masturbatory video to—told TMZ that the former Miss California asked him to lie about the video and say she was an underage seventeen-year-old in it, when actually, she was twenty. And, hey, did he mention he has some other pictures of Carrie that he would like to sell to you, now? Because he does. In one of them, she's kind of showing her butt. [TMZ]
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• "I feel like I'm in a dream," said awestruck country music nymph Taylor Swift after she became the Country Music Association's youngest-ever Entertainer of the Year. Taylor won all four categories she was nominated in. And her new boyfriend's really cute. Some girls get all the breaks. [LAT]
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• Lil' Kim skipped a court date and blamed it on a nosebleed. I can't decide if this story is about lying or about cocaine. [TMZ]
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• Simon Cowell is the highest-earning man on American television, taking home a cool $75 million last year. In second place was Donald Trump ($50 million), who must feel like such a chump sandwiched between Cowell and Ryan Seacrest ($38 million) in the earnings list. [ShowBizSpy]
• 
  
  Figure 1
  

  Figure 2
  

• Radar has a WORLD WIDE EXCLUSIVE that Lindsay Lohan was dating the Heath Ledger when he died. The evidence comes from the umpteenth phone conversation that Michael Lohan secretly recorded with family members, then sold to the tabloid site, because he's just that nice of a guy. In it, Dina says, "She was dating Heath when he died.... I would drop her off and they were friends, very, very close, ok?" Leaving aside the very peculiar decision to drop one's chemically- and emotionally-troubled daughter off at a strange older man's home, does that even necessarily sound like dating? But then the conversation gets sad when Dina says she fears Lindsay will "do something like Heath Ledger did" some day. [Radar]
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• Dina fires back: Michael's betrayal of his family with the phone conversation sales is "unforgivable." Dina, who also regularly sells candid recordings of her children (albeit through lawyer-vetted contracts to reality TV producers) concluded: "My heart is breaking for my children." [E!]
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• Finally! Definitive evidence that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are wildly in love: A photograph of them holding hands on their way to the airport in Paris! But wait—what if they're just messing with us? There was an entire Gossip Girl plotline about a situation just like this, I think the lesson was something along the liens of "believe everything you see on TV," in which case: Confirmed! Edward and Bella are making babies. [PopSugar]
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• Even in death, Jacko knew how to spend. Court documents show Michael Jackson blew a milli on his burial, the L.A. Times reports, including $35,000 for the burial outfit (burned during his cremation) and $16,000 on flowers. Janet, the only Jackson with two pennies to rub together, fronted $49,000, a sum that is paltry only in comparison. [LAT]
  [TMZ]
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• Kate Gosselin respectfully objects to Jon's characterization, on their reality television show, that she must "pull the stick out" of her butt. Looking back, Kate now sees their relationship's doomed fate foretold in that single, sodomitic exhortation: "Perhaps [that] was a sign of things to come." I like to imagine she said it with a sigh. [Us]
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• Surprise of the year: America's Next Top Model judge and Tyra Banks' gay best friend Miss J. has a seven-year-old son. The mother is a "French lesbian" who had Miss J. and ex-boyfriend Alex jiz in a test tube. [Us]
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• Halloween star Danielle Harris' stalker is following her again, on Twitter, leading to an interesting quandary: Does that count? Creepster Christopher Small has a restraining order against him until 2012, but now were sort of curious, does following count as making contact? What about retweets? Christopher tweets things he likes about Danielle as "Stalkr-approved :)" which proves that 140 characters is enough to make an innocent female puke on the spot, and also that emoticon smileys can be really sinister in certain contexts. [TMZ]
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• This might explains why Josh Duhamel thought he could get away with cheating on Fergie: Apparently she didn't know the meaning of "cheating" until a licensed professional explained it her. "I learned through talking with my therapist that it is still cheating even if it's with girls," she explains in the same breath that she admits that she "also love[s] a well-endowed man." [P6]
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• Shanna Moakler called Khloe Kardashian a "donkey" on Wendy Williams' show, prompting one of Khloe's friends to call Shanna a "dirty whore." Khloe delivered the ultimate insult: "I have no idea who this girl is." If only we could say the same about both of them. [TMZ]

• Russell Brand's Hampstead home is on the market for £2.5 million, which, if my rudimentary math skills serve, is about $4.2 million. The "dramatic and stylish" three-bedroom home features a landscaped garden and "wheely bins round the back," whatever that means. (Was it a sex joke?) The real question: Is he selling it so he can move in with Katy Perry in LA? And if so: Is there any way we can stop him from invading our country? [3AM]
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• With regards to his eponymous relationship with Taylor Swift, Taylor Lautner says "it's weird calling somebody your name," which sounds about right. [OK]
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• Madonna still denies she going to Brazil to meet boytoy Jesus Luz's mother, saying "I am going there strictly for fund raising and humanitarian purposes." Honey, if you refer to visits with your future mother-in-law a humanitarian mission, you are never going to win her over. [P6]
• 
  
• Jon Gosselin will countersue TLC for $5 million, proving yet again that shamelessness is not a terrible financial strategy. [Radar]
• 
  
• Speaking of the financial value of shamelessness: Accused Letterman blackmailer Joe Halderman is asking friends and co-workers to contribute to his legal fund. He's got $50K so far, needs at least $200K, and would have had $2 million if only that old perv had coughed up the dough and kept his mouth shut. [TMZ]
• 
  
• Page Six has more on Jho Low, the mysterious Malaysian club king that everyone is talking about, but nobody will really dish on. Apparently Low "is a golden goose for nightclub owners, who are fiercely protecting his privacy." He regularly runs up six-figure Cristal tabs, and the decor for his 28th birthday at Caesars Palace included "bikini-clad party girls" and "caged lions and tigers." [P6]
• 
  
• Demi Moore looks insanely hot (albeit a touch anorexic) on the cover of W. She discusses being a cougar in the accompanying article: "I'd prefer to be called a puma," Ashton may be young but they have a "deep and old connection." Whatever, cradle robber. [PopSugar]
• 
  
• Sir Ian McKellen advocates the destruction of property in the fight for gay rights, saying the choice of whether to write a letter to your congressman or "go and break windows" is really a personal one. [P6]
• 
  
• Pamela Anderson is getting picky about the lighting she is photographed in, insisting on shadow-free ring flashes at a recent event in Miami. She's the Blanche Dubois of silicone-bolstered soft-core porn. [P6]
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• Robert Pattinson has raunchy B.O. Apparently there is an air of "bad personal hygiene hanging around him like the hum of four-day-old fish carcass from the kitchen bin," according to 3AM, which is officially my new favorite gossip source. The fetid actor admitted, "I dont know, my personal hygiene—it's so disgusting!" It is so depressing when teen heartthrobs are as clueless and gross as regular teens. [3AM]

• Carrie Prejean's mom saw her sex tape when Miss California USA's lawyers screened 15 seconds of it to get Carrie to drop her $1 million lawsuit against them. According to TMZ, "Carrie's mom was in shock—instantly turning sheet white as she watched her daughter give herself a hand." This story just gets grosser and grosser. [TMZ]
• 
  
• Levi Johnston and Jon Gosselin posed for photos in Times Square, leading to the horrifying-but-inevitable-question that I suspect they wanted us to ask: Is Jon going to pose for Playgirl, too? He fits that special niche of being really high-profile without having a shred of class or dignity, so I wouldn't be surprised if Playgirl went after him. He'd probably pretend like he was considering it so as to soak up as much penis-related attention as possible, but ultimately he wouldn't follow through, because dude just doesn't have the bod, and he's painfully aware of it. Now that he's off the show and on his way to eight child support bills per month, he can't afford the necessary cosmetic procedures he'd probably want to pull it off, either. [NYDN]
• 
  
• Today is the day of the Gossip Girl threesome. The Parents Television Council is going into conniptions while The Daily Beast celebrates with a guide to a bunch of other televised three-ways, which really just serves to remind us how prude TV was until Nip/Tuck came along. That show is a systematic assault on American values. I'm not even sure what American values are, just that they are the antithesis of Nip/Tuck. [LAT] [TDB]
• 
  
• After last week's success with secretly recorded phone calls with ex-wife Dina, Michael Lohan is now trying to sell "secret recordings" of Lindsay and wants $100,000 for the unbearably creepy package of what will likely amount to nanny cam footage plus a spot of homophobic commentary from the Papa Lo. Ex-wife Dina's making legal threats, but Radar struck a deal where they get the tapes for free, but pay some undisclosed sum for the interview. [P6]
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• The Jackson kids helped install wheels on a legless dog, because manmade alien-robot hybrids have always made them feel at home. [TMZ]
• 
  
• Speaking of Jackson kids: Jacko daughter Paris, age 11, has the same hairstylist as Madonna, Britney Spears, and J.Lo. She went last week with her brothers, where an onlooker said "their complete lack of emotion meant it was like watching three robots." Paris had her fingernails painted black. Cry for help? [ShowBizSpy]
• 
  
• Kristen Stewart thinks Twilight co-stars Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner would make "great husband[s]," which is code for "cute, but totally boring lays." [ShowBizSpy]
• 
  
• Victoria Beckham is starting a modeling agency, which we can only hope 'n' wish 'n' pray will join forces with the Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency and specialize in toothpick-sized trannies with severe faces and a predilection for painful-looking clothes. In the glorious event that one of their managers is reading this and takes my advice (I WILL PAY YOU $$$) (BUT NOT THAT MUCH) I'd like to declare right now that I've got my money on Janice for the inevitable Dickinson-Beckham catfight. Girl is scrappy, although I wouldn't put it past Posh to go below the belt. [ShowBizSpy]
• 
  
• The Brits are exporting a new poptart! "VA-VA-voom singer Katherine Jenkins" supposedly gets more press than Madonna and is coming to New York to "do some Christmas shopping, meet the press." But wait! A Google search reveals that the "Marilyn Monroe-ish" Jenkins is actually a classically trained mezzo-soprano whose favored tunes are sacred arias glorifying God (see below), not rhythmically snorting coke off the toilet seat in Peaches Geldof's apartment, which means she will never fill the hole in my heart that Amy Winehouse used to occupy. Page Six, why do you toy with me so. [P6]
• 
  

• Hey there, Michael Lohan. You again? Yes, you again. Apparently, Lohan tried to get money for tapes where one could heard recorded conversations of himself, Dina, and Lindsay. Apparently, they were not worth the $100,000 asking price he wanted for them, because, you know, for one thing, you can get that kind of thing for free. And for another: even the Nixon Tapes didn't go for $100,000, as close as a phone call between Michael and Dina Lohan comes to the Nixon Tapes, I still don't see them going for a cool hundo grand. Naturally, this came with a denial:

  Michael told us that a six-figure demand for the tapes "was a complete lie," but when asked if he was paid for his interview, he said, "That's in the hands of my lawyers. They deal with that." He insisted, "This isn't about money or getting paid, it's about saving my daughter."

  But Zombie Radar says Lohan wanted money, they turned him down, and he gave them the tapes for "exposure." So, yes, Michael Lohan taped conversations of himself, Dina, and LiLo, and is trying to sell them for money under the guise of helping his own daughter and thus, his celebrity. If you haven't received it, your Father of the Year: Long Island District trophy is on the way, and you've now made nationals. Keep truckin', Michael. Also, I feel greasy just looking at your picture. [Page Six]
  
  

• Rihanna will not accept your offers of $10,000 bubbly wine, peasant strangers. She only drinks from the kind offerings of the Benevolent Sir Jay-Z, except when Beyonce is around, because Beyonce probably wants you to go away worse than Chris Brown does. Anyway. Rihanna refused a bottle of pricy bubbly from Braylon "I've Made It My Life's Mission To Savagely Fuck Up Foster's Fantasy Season Three Years In A Row" Edwards of the New York Jets because she didn't know who he was. You don't? You should! He's famous. Famously terrible. Also, this last sentence of the item:

  Also at the club was Mickey Rourke entertaining his girlfriend's mother from Russia.

  Wuuhhhhaaaatttt? [Page Six]
  
  

• Now that the revelation that he had one is out there, we've learned: Andre Agassi was absolutely terrified of his hairpiece going "rogue" as the New York Post put it. What does that even mean? It'd root for Pete Sampras? Or it'd start watching Suddenly Susan? [Page Six]
  
  
• Ha. Interview publisher Peter Brant's ex-wife, Stephanie Seymour, is looking hot. And Vanity Fair decided to rub it in his face by doing a photo spread of her, and Page Six took it a step further by writing the item, and I think Interview sucks, so you know, here we are. Peter Brant, your ex-wife is smokin'. [Page Six]
  
  
• Apparently, there's some British woman named Katherine Jenkins who we're supposed to care about, according to the British Tabloid Press? She's coming to America, I have no idea who she or why this matters. We're looking into whether or not we should give a shit at press time. All other questions can be referred to my publisher. Thank you. [Page Six]
  
  
• Does it surprise you that Shawn Wayans is a good dad and makes his kids laugh when they're crying? It does not surprise me. Damon Wayans, on the other hand... [Page Six]
  
  
• Anna Wintour said something nice about somebody getting a job and it's in Page Six. Enjoy. Savor, even. [Page Six]
  
  
• Message From Paris, to America: "You suck, you dumb, declasse morons. Also, stop ruining nightlife. Also, Jerry Lewis for President." [Page Six]
  
  
• Sarah Jessica Parker admits in an interview that she loves the smell of wet diapers. Ergo, shit. Which explains working on Sex and the City for so long. [NYDN]
  
  
• Please, Rihanna, please stop talking about how Chris Brown beat you, says Chris Brown. Please Chris Brown, go back to the cave from whence you came and kindly shut the fuck up, says the world. [NYDN]
  
  
• HA. TLC's advertisers were beginning to complain about Jon Gosselin's behavior before they shut down the show. What, stomping around France with the Ed Hardy guy is bad for TLC? They should've just made a show about that and called it something like "Men? Hardly." Whee! [NYDN]
  
  
• America's Sweetest Homophobe Carrie Prejan has a sex tape, and her mother saw it. Karma, hello. [TMZ]
  
  
• TMZ's celebrating their fourth birthday by feeding a bunch of celebrity children Columbian Grade-A Coke and filming them talking about their parents. No, I made that up. Happy 4th Birthday, TMZ! Harvey Levin, you're a charmer. [TMZ]

And...this will be an interesting day. It already is. Wake up, get your dancing shoes on. But stay seated and keep clicking on things. But don't stop #ChairDancing. Seriously! Don't. Learn from Spike Jonze:

[Photo via Bauer-Griffin]

This is silly.

• Complete shriveled dick Joe Jackson wants the Michael Jackson estate to pay him serious bones. He wants over $15,000 a month to keep being given awards and honored for raising a kid who turned out to be Michael Jackson, and by that, I mean, beating the shit out of his kids. Joe Jackson makes Jon Gosselin look like Dr. Spock. [NYDN]
  
  
• Hell hath no fury like a Fergie scorned, as Josh Duhamel's about to find out. He took a stripper back to a hotel room and had a bunch of crazy sex and watched porn and now he's in trouble. IF YOU AIN'T GOT NO MONEY TAKE YO BROKE! ASS! HOME! Sorry, it's the only part of a Fergie song I know. Also, Josh Duhamel: trashy, if not, exhausted dick. [NYDN]
  
  
• Aw. The lead in Page Six today is a curiously warmhearted item about Slumdog Millionaire stars Frieda Pinto and Dev Patel being so completely head-over-heels in Swoondog Swoononaire love. For Page Six on a Saturday, this is some pretty soft, a break from your regularly scheduled gangsta ass shit. Apparently, Pinto and Patel stare deeply into each other's eyes while all these other dudes hit on Pinto. Let's not forget that Pinto left her would-be husband in the middle of filming Slumdog for Dev, but hey, he's the "one and only," or whatever. Honestly, he probably just has a huge schlong, dogg. Oh, come on, what am I supposed to do with this? Seriously. It's Saturday morning. [Page Six]
  
  
• The NYDN has an entire story about how Gisele will always be hotter than anyone even when she's eight months preggers. Until then, New England doesn't give a shit, because they're still salivating at the thought of their Newborn God and Savior, The Littlest Brady, to emerge from her womb in the shotgun formation and stay that way until he joins the Patriots in the 2031 NFL season to lead them to nine more dynasty victories. Meanwhile, I can't wait until they find out he's gay. I've already made the bets with my bookie back home. This kid's gonna come out screaming "Everything's Coming Up Roses." Swear to god. [NYDN]
  
  
• The Williams sisters pulled out of another big tennis match because they're both off making money from tennis without actually having to play it, and it's pissing off their fans. They pulled out of the Federation Cup, which is the Davis Cup for women, which, I have no idea what either of those are. But I do know that Serena's losing more money playing tennis than she's making from it for screaming at those bitchass line judges (and really, who hasn't wanted to scream death threats at those people? Who are those people who grow up to be line judges? What were they like in Kindergarten? Did they cry if you wrote on your desk?). Right? Whatever, Williams Sisters, ignore lame tennis fans. Go forth and make dollahs. [Page Six]
  
  
• Ha. Phillies outfielder Shane Victorino invited dickfore Jon Gosselin out to his wedding in Hawaii, because when you lose the World Series to the best team in America, you know what you do, right? You call Jon Gosselin to come to your wedding in Hawaii. [TMZ]
  
  
• Ms. England beat the shit out of Ms. Manchester over some muscle-bound Broregard because both girls want him, which is funny. Because he looks like this: [NYDN] Also see: Semenya, Caster. Penis joke not needed.
  
  
• Some prisoner wrote somebody a letter—TMZ, I guess—and he's saying wacky things like how he impregnated Octomom and Kate Gosselin and how he sued Black History Month and how Jon Gosselin is a woman on steroids. We've done our investigation work and unless he has a big dick or is the biggest dick in the world (not true, see above), only one of these three statements can possibly be true. [TMZ]
  
  
• A Yankee co-owner, James Nederlander—who also has his named adorning the theater where Rent made a bunch of AIDS jokes for ten years—lost his ring in a parking lot and a "hard hat with a heart" returned it to the 203 year-old Nederlander. In return, the ring returner was promised some of the best seats in Yankee Stadium next season, but as for his other request for a bigger bat, Nederlander had to let him down that he hasn't lived in that oil lamp for at least thirty years now, and hey, I was talking about one of these, okay? Jesus. [Page Six]
  
  
• Oh. Ho. Ho. What do we have here? Our sister site, [NSFW, but like you didn't already know that] Fleshbot, is having a porny little award show for their dirty site at The Box on Wednesday night. And guess who's going to be there? None other than Levi "Almost Famous" Johnston. He's being honored as a "crossover star," but really, everyone's just trying to get a glimpse of his dick before it hits newsstands. In other news, this week's Saturday Morning Gossip Roundup has overdosed on the wang. Can we all step off for a moment, here? [Page Six]
  
  
• Adam Durtiz was told by a bar in Savannah when he'd showed up with new girlfriend Emmy Rossum that he'd arrived too late to perform karaoke for the crowd in front of him, and that he'd have to come back another night. So, a karaoke bar turned down the only opportunity they'll ever have - ever - for a performance of "Mr. Jones," "A Long December," or another other Counting Crows song to be palatable under their roof. Shame, shame, shame. Related: Emmy Rossum is with Adam Duritz. You know where this is going. He probably has a huge donger. [Page Six]
  
  
• Michael Jackson's tigers are being taken care of by Tippi Hedren. I hope she's not trying to touch their penises. [NYDN]
  
  
• Are you kidding me? You're Nick Swisher and you just won the World Series. Jeter, A-Rod, Sabathia, Posada all went to 1Oak. You go to Brother Jimmy's in Murray Hill? You should be taken out of the rotation for the first ten games of next season for that. Seriously. Jesus. Sopranos fuckup Robert Iler was there pouring shots of Paaaaatroooooonnnnn behind the bar for Swisher and Lance Bass. The only funny about dicks here is that Brother Jimmy's is almost always consistantly, unanimously filled with them. [NYP]
  
  
• Haha. King Bloomberg got booed at City Hall when he was congratulated on winning a third term, so he kept his speech short. More importantly: does a guy who runs for three terms have a big wang (swingin' dick complex) or is he in need of compensation by Extenze'ing his reign. Or does he just have balls? Or! Is he just an asshole? This is one of the few cases when "All of the Above" is an acceptable answer. [Page Six]
  
  
• Holy shit. Is Paula Abdul back with Arsenio Hall? Can she even pronounce his name, still? You know what movie they met on, right? Royal penis, etc, etc. [NYDN]
  
  
• D! M! X! Lots of barking, that guy. But: big bark, no bite. Well, at least not since his second album, but really not after rap fans find out that he was going to be in a boxing match only if he could have the fight fixed in his name. This would be commonly referred to as a "dickless" notion. [TMZ]

This one goes out to sister Ferg. Don't worry honey; they're all dicks, but the consolation is that there are plenty to choose from. Happy Saturday, guys!

[Photo via Bauer-Griffin]

• Dad of the Year Michael Lohan released a recorded phone conversation to Radar, in which ex-wife Dina Lohan laments trouble child Lindsay. (Is that legal?) "You don't even know what I went through trying to get her into, like, rehab and stuff," Dina says with a flat affect. "[She'd] punch me in the face, threw me out of the car. Like, you don't know the [expletive] I went through trying to get her an intervention by myself. It was very difficult." Michael admits, "I'm being a bit selfish in releasing the tapes." On the other hand, he is being altruistic about making it really easy for his traumatized family to cut him out of their lives and never look back. [Radar]
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• Rihanna says her new album—you know, the one where she sings about her boyfriend sticking a gun in her mouth?—helped her get over abusive ex Chris Brown. "Making this album was my recovery. It's the way I vented and expressed myself." In case it has not yet become apparent: These songs should never be used for seduction. [ShowBizSpy]
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• Tom Cruise once spent three weeks talking to "books, bottles, and door knobs" as part of a Scientology exercise to "rehabilitate your ability to control things. And to be controlled," explains Scientology expert Marc Headley, whose books, Blown for Good, is begging for a gay Tom Cruise joke, but since the past participle is throwing me off, I'm going to skip it. [National Enquirer]
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• Natalie Portman is embarrassed that everyone's seen her naked. In 1999 she made the Anywhere But Here crew rewrite a scene so she wouldn't have to be naked: "I was figuring out my own sexual identity, likes and dislikes and all that stuff, and it's weird to be doing stuff on film as you're figuring it out." Luckily, she figured it out in time to get naked for Hotel Chevalier, so everyone wins. [ShowBizSpy]
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• Rue McClanahan has been hospitalized, forcing her to cancel what sounds like the trippiest Golden Girls send-up imaginable, a San Francisco gala featuring a Golden Girls theme song sing-along, look alike contest, and "hostess merriment with tranny superstar Heklina." Why does the Bay area insist on being better at everything? [SFist]
• 
  
• Oprah wants Rosie to quit calling her gay. The latter said on Howard Stern's radio show that that Oprah and bestie Gayle King aren't "necessarily doing each other," just that their road trip was "as gay as it gets." But an anonymous source said Oprah "exploded" and was "so furious" she sent a "warning message" to Rosie, because it's one thing if Howard Stern calls you gay, but Rosie is one of them which is far more dangerous, much like the time the kid with duct tape on the bridge of his eyeglasses called me his friend in front of the entire 5th grade class, forever marking me a Loser. [National Enquirer]
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• Frighteningly fit tennis star Andy Roddick and his frighteningly gorgeous wife Brooklyn Decker are shopping for a tasteful riverfront condo in DUMBO. Of course. [P6]
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• Turns out Dancing With the Stars' supermodel du jour, Joanna Krupa, was at the Girls Gone Wild party where Snoop Dogg filmed his very own date-rape-y titty movie, Doggystyle. She performed the heretofore unimagined feat of appearing before a GGW camera and not taking her top off, despite Mr. Dogg's most gentlemanly pleading and the fact that her zip-up denim tube top is on the verge of popping off, anyway.
  [TMZ]

• Chris Brown and Rihanna are doing the media equivalent of having a shouting match in the street. Except that in this instance they stop occasionally to tell passers-by that they have albums out soon, and that they're very reasonably priced and contain many excellent tracks. Brown, who doubtless didn't want to miss a publicity opportunity as great as beating the piss out of his girlfriend, has taped a 30-minute segment for MTV which will air tomorrow: the same day as Rihanna goes on 20/20 and after her two-parter with Diane Sawyer on ABC that starts today. He said the following, with a bit of illiteracy thrown in for good measure:

  My thoughts is like, ‘Why did it happen?', like ‘What was I thinking?', ‘What is wrong with you?'

  In totally unrelated news, probably, his album - which I am deliberately not naming - has been pushed up a week and will now be released at the start of December. Her album is out two weeks before. [NYDN]

• Bill Clinton and George W. Bush have canceled their fight to the death at Radio City. The two men, who were slated to hit each other with chairs while screaming obscenities, have apparently claimed that the promoter over-hyped it as a "death-match faceoff." "This event ... was supposed to be a discussion between the two former presidents, and has been cancelled because it was not being billed as such by an overeager promoter," said Clinton spokesman Matt McKenna. Yes Matt, but were they going to wear spandex? What song was Clinton going to shadow-box his way out to the ring to? Was Hillary going to wear a bikini? [NY Post]
• Carrie Prejean's pastor is willing to forgive her for (allegedly) making a sex tape, says TMZ who clearly are not building up to releasing said sex tape. In opposite world. Pastor Darren Carrington from The Rock Church in San Diego told the site that "everyone is a work in progress." Let us know when she's done. [TMZ]
• Look, midgets are just funny OK? I know it's not nice to say, but it's true. Hence the popularity of Willow. Which is why the story about Verne 'Mini-Me' Troyer threatening to pop a cap in his ex-girlfriend's ass, according to a restraining order TMZ got, is amusing even though it features much personal tragedy. Sorry. [TMZ]
• Todd English, jilter of brides, ran away from photographers at Mr. Chow's 30th anniversary party. Wouldn't you? [P6]
• The News and the Post are gossip-arguing! Page Six says Madonna is supporting boyfriend Jesus Luz's DJ career and turned up to a party at the Standard to grind on the dancefloor. "She's been taking a more active role in promoting him," said someone described as "a spy." The News says, after a brief interview with Luz, that Madge isn't collaborating with him and that he didn't play any of her songs that night anyway. In keeping with today's theme: I demand a deathmatch between Neel Shah on P6 and whoever runs Gatecrasher these days. [P6, NYDN]
• More fighting! David Hasselhoff really does do drunk better than anyone. It seems like only yesterday since his last spectacular fall off the wagon. This week's effort is a humdinger (yes, I just wanted to use the word humdinger): he's been getting shitfaced and fighting with an old person in a Canadian casino. Three security guards had to step in and escort Michael Knight from the building. The best part? He was apparently back a few hours later. What? He got thirsty OK? [TMZ]
• Nicole Kidman don't tweet! Because: "if you know what is going on inside somebody's head all the time, that's not a good place." Perhaps her insight into the mind of Tom Cruise scarred her for life. [TMZ]

[Image via Getty]