Do you, like, care about the environment? Yeah, cool, me too. And you eat organic, yeah? Right, right. But sometimes you just want a burrito, man, like, a big fat flour roll of stuff, and Chipotle's the place, yeah? Oh hey, did you see the news yesterday? Global warming may ruin their guacamole!

For a brief period in the 90s—before 9/11, before the global economic collapse, before endless wars in the Middle East—it was fashionable to "care" about the environment. (You could still get laid wearing a World Wildlife Fund t-shirt, in other words.) Now? I mean, yeah, the environment... eh.

Guilty Americans enjoy nothing more than assuaging our collective guilt over raping the earth by purchasing "green" products, with labels helpfully telling us how these "green" products are saving the planet. Too bad they're almost all fake, somehow.

There's been loads of research on environmental problems, but scientists have yet to measure precisely how little Americans care about saving the environment. Here's a data point: Americans care less about the environment than if their dishes are spotless.

Greenwashing — the practice of gussying up old-fashioned capitalism as newfangled Earth-saving — is an art form. I used to think local greenwashers Pacific Gas & Electric and spam-prone solar shill Steve Westly were the masters. But they look like rank amateurs compared to Oklahoma native T. Boone Pickens. The man…