(And we need a break from absurd conspiracy theories about devious flacks, too.)

1. HOLY SHIT BARACK OBAMA THINKS HE IS ALLAH!!

Yesterday, on a conference call with rabbis about healthcare, Obama declared that "we are God's partners in matters of life and death," which is evidence that his messianic tendencies have merged with his hatred of the elderly into a potent tonic of cartoonish villainy. He was inspired by a Rosh Hashanah prayer—"On Rosh Hashanah it is inscribed / And on Yom Kippur it is sealed / How many shall pass away and how many shall be born / Who shall live and who shall die"—and signed off the call with a hearty "L'shanah tovah," Hebrew for happy holidays (even though Rosh Hashanah's a ways off, but still). Politico's Ben Smith smelled Drudgebait, so he wrote it up without really drawing attention to how insane people would surely interpret the comments. Drudge smelled traffic from insane people, so he linked to it while only subtly drawing attention to how insane people would interpret the comments. Insane people saw the story on Drudge, and went insane: "You know who used to talk like this? Jim Jones and David Koresh." (Interestingly, Smith's source for the Obama quote was a rabbi who was in on the call and "live-Tweeted" it. That rabbi has since deleted all the posts—including the one about being "God's partner"—and apologized for publicizing it.)

2. HOLY SHIT JAKE "THE OCTAGON" TAPPER THINKS BARACK OBAMA IS MALCOLM X!!!!

ABC News' Tapper wrote a blog post yesterday in which he quoted Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid's spokesman saying, of the healthcare bill, "we are determined to get something done this year by any legislative means necessary." Malcolm X once strung together the words "by any means necessary," so Journalist Jake decided to add a video of Malcolm X to his post just to underscore the point that Barack Obama is a radical Muslim black separatist. We kid! While we've been perfectly happy to mock Tapper in the past for offenses big and small, we think this (crazy) conflation of Malcolm X and the legislative process is motivated more by a misguided attempt on Tapper's part to be cheeky rather than to remind terrified old people that Obama hates "working white people," or to get Drudge's attention. Poor Tapper has been furiously defending himself on Twitter, reminding folks that "President Obama not even mentioned," and the DailyKos says, "Seriously, WTF Jake?"

3. HOLY SHIT SOMEONE THINKS DYLAN RATIGAN SHOULD BE FIRED!!!!!!!!!!

That's right—the president of a group has written an angry letter to MSNBC, and Politico's Michael Calderone has it exclusively! Apparently MSNBC, like Fox News, cut its tape of the guys carrying assault rifles outside Obama's Phoenix town hall to make it look like it was all white guys, when the most prominent gun-toter was in fact black. Which means, according to Greg Gutfeld, that MSNBC is trying to start a "race war." And the president of Americans for Limited Government has written a letter to MSNBC demanding that Ratigan, Contessa Brewer, Touré (!), and "any and all others involved in any way with the fraudulent 'news'" be terminated immediately. Now that we think of it, we've got to get started on our item about the letter we just got from MindY0urOwnBiz demanding that President Obama immediately seek the resignations of "geitner and bernaki." (We don't blame you, Michael, we blame August.)

On the March 17 edition of Red Eye, a "comedy" show Fox News puts on for insomniacs and media narcissists, Gutfeld said Canadian soldiers do yoga and made fun of a Canadian lieutenant general's name (Leslie!) and said we should invade Canada because the country's military is contemplating a one-year "operational break" from Afghanistan.

Canadian Defence (they don't spell it right) Minister Peter MacKay called the comments disgusting and demanded an apology. Partly everyone got mad because four Canadians died in Afghanistan on Friday. (Yoga accident, you ask? No. IEDs.)

Thrilled to be the talk of Canada, Gutfeld apologized:

The March 17 episode of Red Eye included a segment discussing Canada's plan for a "synchronized break," which was in no way an attempt to make light of troop efforts. However, I realize that my words may have been misunderstood. It was not my intent to disrespect the brave men, women and families of the Canadian military, and for that I apologize. Red Eye is a satirical take on the news, in which all topics are addressed in a lighthearted, humorous and ridiculous manner.

Gutfeld has been hassling Doocy to add him on Facebook for weeks, even though Doocy had hit Facebook's 5,000-friend maximum. So Gutfeld must have forced Doocy to unfriend someone to make room. How cruel! Watch how Gutfeld puts the "rot" in "homerotic" as he suggests he offered the slightly fey Doocy sexual favors to get his friend request answered.

Greg, sorry to break it to you, but you're a little late with your request. Didn't you hear Doocy is maxed out on Facebook friends, having hit the site's limit? Gutfeld is also having viewers place bet on who will answer his friend requests the fastest. He calls it "facebetting." I think the guy's doing this wrong. Here's a cheat sheet out of Silicon Valley on the optimal way to use Facebook for cynical self-promotion.

So yesterday, during an ideas meeting, a staffer pitched a story about Sarah Palin, focusing on how little we know about her time in college.

My blood pressure spiked, because naturally her history — or lack thereof — is far less murkier than Barack Obama’s.

Far less murkier.

But it didn’t seem to matter, because no matter what you have against the man, it just doesn’t stick.

See: homoeroticism, aforementioned.

Seriously, the man isn’t a presidential candidate, he’s a really hot chick. You know what I mean, right?

Yea. Kicker?

Face it: If you found out that your new girlfriend, who happened to be Megan Fox, worked with ACORN, hung around with Bill Ayers and used to do coke back in college, would you care?

Of course you wouldn’t! It’s Megan Fox!

Congratulations. You’re now The New York Times.

Ha. If you're reading, Greg, respond in the comments: What is your unironic opinion of Tucker Max? Thanks. [Fox News]

...maybe that's true. Nick's made dumb hires before. And maybe it's why Nick needled him the other week. (Nick says he just needed an excuse to post the embarrassing story).

But—if Gutfeld's tale is true, it's certainly not something I knew about. I just make fun of Greg because I think he's annoying.

(Full disclosure: I met Greg once, long ago, at a party at Nick's place. And he was kinda funny, in person, in a rude, fratty way. I think New Yorkers just find that schtick so amusing because it's a novelty in the media scene? There can't be many meathead state school grads at the Observer.)

Gutfeld: Nick Denton 'Doesn't Like People Saying No to Him Apparently' [FishbowlNY]

After a hard day covering Fashion Week, in September 2006, Gutfeld was at Port 41 with a group of other magazine editors and writers. It was late, Gutfeld had been drinking, and he's not known for his discretion even when sober. According to one of the many present that evening, he began regaling the crowd with an account of a small dinner party hosted by Steve Perrine, former creative director of Men's Health, now editor-in-chief of Best Life, a magazine for middle-aged men who lead lives of silent desperation.

Now Perrine himself does not. In the past, at least, he's talked quite openly of his swinger's lifestyle and even alludes to it in interviews. Here's a podcast interview with Personal Life Media. "I’m leaving the party, I get my balls, I pick up some other guy’s balls. I get home, they don’t fit. I’ve got to call him up, 'I think I have your balls!' So that’s always difficult." Hmm, well, he's alluding to something there, anyway.

So, according to Gutfeld, he and a date went round to Perrine's for dinner a few years ago. Steve Perrine, who later became an expert on acrimonious divorces and child-custody disputes, was still with his first wife. The party was just the four of them. Gutfeld claimed he had no particular idea of the evening's agenda, but the dinner ended with his date in bed with Perrine, while the Red Eye opinionator was left with his host's wife. She was so upset, at the situation or Gutfeld's reluctance to exercise his partner-swapping rights, that the macho former magazine editor spent the evening sitting on a log, consoling the sobbing woman.

Now this tale, several years old, has probably been distorted both in Gutfeld's telling, and the subsequent retelling as it's made its way around the magazine world. It's no wonder the story is so confusing.

Assuming it's partly true, why on earth would Gutfeld allow his date to go off with the predatory Perrine when he didn't want reciprocation? And, even if wildly exaggerated, why would Gutfeld, a man who has traded on a reputation as one of the few red-blooded heterosexuals in media, tell a story which makes him look an impotent cuckold? There's only one explanation: late at night, at a bar or on his TV show, Gutfeld will say literally anything to get attention.

Because the show is so loose, and because we have such a media-watchdog culture—they could get burned like that. Two words: Don. Imus. You don't know what's going to piss people off. And, my God, the shit that we get into—the sex, the bestiality—holy crap! I can't believe that shit is on Fox News!

"Absolutely. But because the show is so loose, and because we have such a media-watchdog culture—they could get burned like that. Two words: Don. Imus. You don't know what's going to piss people off. And, my God, the shit that we get into—the sex, the bestiality—holy crap! I can't believe that shit is on Fox News!"

• The pressures of his job have caused Greg to gain weight, drink more, and smoke more. [Us too!]
  
• "The one thing I hate about it is, the people around you, who you love, you end up being kind of mean to them. Because you feel they don't understand. And it's a very wrong kind of thing." [We don't really "love" anyone, but we are for sure dicks to the people around us. ]
  
• "I want to say something funny, but I'm too busy going, O.K., what do I do next?" [It's hard to believe, but this is why we are so humor-free.]
  
• Greg has a hard time holding down a job. [Hello!]
  
• He spends his morning surfing the Internet for bizarre material. [Spooky!]
  
• Greg uses humor to manipulate people. [It doesn't ever work, but we try this too.]
  
• "I've got fucking tits." [We like fucking tits.]
  
• He makes his best friends cry. [See above.]
  
• He hangs around with retards. [See masthead.]
  
• He cannot leave his job at the office. [We cannot leave the office.]

  Yeah, it's pretty clear: except for the whole rabid "abortion is murder" Republican thing (Greg once ate a piece of chicken because it may have been in Ronald Reagan's mouth), we pretty much are Greg Gutfeld. This is disturbing on so many levels. Does this mean we need to start watching "Red Eye" now? Okay, no. Even so, we're sorry about the mean things we said about Greg before. It was clearly a case of self-loathing.

  Red Eye for the Straight Guy [NYO]

Keith Drops A Cool 4.2 [Observer]

A fetus wakes up one morning only to realize he's in the process of being partial-birth aborted. The fetus looks at the doctor and asks, "What the hell are you doing?" The doctor turns to the patient and says, "Don't worry, not all of them are this partially stupid."

A man finds a fetus on a park bench, crying, and asks "What's the matter?" The fetus responds, "I just got partial-birth aborted!" "That's terrible," says the man, "but it could be worse. If you were born you'd probably end up fighting a war you partially don't support in Iraq."

Girl: Did I ever tell you about the worst partial-birth abortion I ever had?
Man: No.
Girl: It was partially great!

Knock-knock
Who's there?
You'll partially never know!

A woman and her fetus were walking into a clinic. "I'm scared," said the fetus.
The woman replies: "How do you think I feel? I have to walk out of here having undergone a dilation and extraction!"

Why did the fetus cross the road?
To get to the other side. Partially.

A daughter goes up to her mother and says, "Mom can I have $300 for a partial-birth abortion?"
"Sure," says the mom. "Dilate my purse and extract $300 from it."

FINALLY! THE ROE V. WADE JOKE PAGE!!! [HuffPo]

We're so fond of our friends over at "Red Eye" that we had Gawker video boy Richard Blakeley put together a quick compilation of some of their greatest hits. Watch and learn how this crew of camera-ready professionals has become the only Fox News program to have as many articles written about it as it does viewers!