Andrew Adam Newman reports: Corporations are helping you, the consumer, learn that your butt could probably use a little wet wipe down there, if you know what the corporation is saying.

"It's a pretty straightforward way of speaking to consumers and letting them know how best to use the products together to get cleaner," said Jack Rubin, a Charmin brand manager. "To my knowledge it is the most clearly that we have laid it out so far."

Any clearer and it's called "kink."

The piece—a meticulous investigation into the food-safety practices of Cargill and its suppliers, including revelations that some slaughterhouses refuse to sell to companies that test their meat for E. Coli and that some pre-made hamburgers contain meat that was treated with ammonia—has no doubt launched 1,000 vegetarians.

So we were surprised when a tipster pointed out this morning that Cargill was, as of about 11 a.m., advertising on the Times web site. It wasn't a rebuttal ad, just a run-of-the-mill branding campaign, apparently. We asked a Cargill spokesman why his company was underwriting the operations of a paper that just skewered it: "In answer to your question, it is random—advertising schedules are done months in advance."

This reporter left a newspaper to go work for the internet, like so many have before him. Also he is married to another reporter, who is at a newspaper still. And he is having this affair with a reporter who used to work with him at the newspaper and who now works under him at the web thing. So, you know, there are still ways of advancing, in media! (We hear!)

Well someone or other emailed evidence of hotel dalliances between husband and mistress to wife, and to web thing owners, which is just ungentlemanly, if you ask us.

And then someone sent us husband and mistress text messages! "Received" is from husband, "Sent" from mistress. There is some sort of (gross sex??) thing involving the exchange of "gum," there are bits about one's "Mom" "coming," there is just lots and lots of that hilariously bad sexy talk that couples do when they begin having sexy sex with each other, all the time. And "beef sliders."

Received May 14, 2009 7:46:21 PM
Bolting. I can't pretend that I care about these people anymore. I can offer you good whiskey somewhere if you're finishing up soon. Otherwise another night.

Sent May 14, 2009 7:51:39 PM
I'd love nothing more than good whiskey. Believe me. [Redacted] is still shoveling pad Thai into his maw. Not sure I can make a smooth exit. Another night - another dress?

Received May 14, 2009 8:04:56 PM
[Redacted] inhaling Pad Prik Khing. Very appealing. Another night. Dress optional.

Sent May 14, 2009 9:51:19 PM
Funny. Just got back from Thai. Still find that beef slider far more appealing. Just saying.

Received May 15, 2009 4:59:19 PM
Thanks Gum fairy. This may be the first time I was here when the gum was delivered.

Sent May 15, 2009 5:07:52 PM
True. It kind of ruined the element of surprise. Today may have been a three-piece day buy I rationed incorrectly. You know - the whole chick, math thing.

Received May 15, 2009 5:09:59 PM
Definitely a 3 piece day. You'll have to make it up to me another day.

Sent May 15, 2009 5:52:38 PM
Fair enough. Just remember that you're striving for four pieces.

Received May 16, 2009 8:42:47 AM
[Redacted] out due to family emergency. I'm heading to 30 Rock to hold the fort with one good hand. Woot. Guh. Woot. So conflicted.

Sent May 16, 2009 11:09:58 AM
Let me know if you want a drop from the Dunks fairy - gum fairy's irreverent, caffeine-addled cousin.

Received May 16, 2009 11:21:28 AM
Tempting. Caffeine and you But don't know how we explain your generosity to the intern and [Redacted]. Still tempting.

Sent May 16, 2009 11:51:36 AM
Forgot about those guys. I say send [Redacted] home and tell the intern to take a hike. I got lots of deliverables. Just sayin.

Received May 16, 2009 12:02:41 PM
I'd definitely be happier than I am right now. And so would you.

Sent May 16, 2009 12:34:30 PM
You're probably right. And dont forget you still have those three requests. Generosity goes a long way.

Received May 16, 2009 12:41:10 PM
If only you were covering the midday portion of today's shift. Could have gotten a lot done together.

Sent May 16, 2009 1:01:50 PM
Agreed. Could have generated lots of good content in the casual corner.

Sent May 16, 2009 2:10:18 PM
Buy maybe it's better this way. Those purple buttons on your snap shirt may have met an untimely demise.

Received May 16, 2009 2:20:11 PM
Snaps are purple today. And still mostly snapped. Alone in casual corner. [Redacted] gone. RE here. Where r u?

Sent May 16, 2009 2:30:01 PM
Haven't left the EV. Still in the zip, so to speak. Casual corner can be a lonely place. You there for a while?

Received May 16, 2009 2:31:30 PM
Leaving soon. You'll have to check out the snaps another day.

Sent May 16, 2009 2:38:59 PM
That's a shame. Guess the snaps resiliency test will also be put on hold.

Received May 19, 2009 4:13:25 PM
Three pieces. Woot

Sent May 19, 2009 4:53:32 PM
Three pieces well deserved. One of your better beef slider Tuesday showings.

Sent May 21, 2009 8:48:02 PM
In the time it takes to cab it to Jersey you couldve make dozens of trips up and downtown. Depending on traffic, leg room. Just sayin.

Sent May 22, 2009 4:30:30 PM
Wet jeans before 8 am. You may have deserved four pieces today.

Received May 22, 2009 4:42:16 PM
I was hoping for 4. The packaging added to the thrill. When I slowly pulled it out, I thought just maybe. Still it's important to keep standards high. I respect that.

Received May 22, 2009 10:23:46 PM
Your mom is very excited, I'm sure, to see you. Just saying.

Sent May 22, 2009 10:39:21 PM
My mom said she isn't coming until tomorrow but she's really excited already. Feel so bad she'll be disappointed.

Received May 22, 2009 11:16:33 PM
Can't blame her for being excited already. Dont feel so bad I'm sure she'll come soon.

Sent May 24, 2009 8:11:48 AM
My mom came. She had such a great time she said she wants to come again and again. The sites, the sounds, the seaman - it was all very stimulating.

Received May 24, 2009 8:58:48 AM
If you're patient you could find the same joy. You may not even have to go anywhere. Someone may come your way.

Sent May 24, 2009 10:00:40 AM
It's hard to be patient when you want someone to come your way. But it's not a tough concept to swallow.

Received May 24, 2009 12:22:59 PM
It is hard. Very hard.

Sent May 24, 2009 12:43:09 PM
The harder the better. It's far more exciting that way.

Sent May 24, 2009 12:54:28 PM
A hard rain.

Received May 24, 2009 1:03:21 PM
Starts slow, gets harder and harder and then you don't want it to end.

Sent May 24, 2009 1:08:37 PM
I'm sure you're right. But that won't stop me from begging you to come.

Received May 24, 2009 1:32:47 PM
Truth seekers. We'll find out at some point.

Sent May 24, 2009 2:25:06 PM
You forgot rigorous. Rigorous seekers of hard news.

Received May 24, 2009 2:43:24 PM
And dedicated to perfection. Even if it means doing it again and again and again.

Sent May 24, 2009 2:54:47 PM
Practice does make perfect. And it just happens I'm a firm believer in sweat equity.

Received May 24, 2009 4:01:44 PM
I believe that you're committed to perfection otherwise I wouldn't take up your time and tie you up so long.

Sent May 24, 2009 4:21:24 PM
Taking such a hard line on perfection means I'm bound to take my time, tie you up too one of these days. It's only fair. I hope you'd get behind it.

Received May 24, 2009 4:35:11 PM
Only fair. You can count on me to get behind it one of these days. I won't even make you beg much.

Sent May 24, 2009 4:48:29 PM
Don't mind taking orders - def like to give them. But I'm pretty flexible. Can bend whatever way you need me too.

Received May 24, 2009 5:22:24 PM
Oh so that's changed since your gym evaluation. I trust you. But it's probably best if Im the one who evaluates your flexibility. We'll go over it together. Just say when. Just shout.

Sent May 24, 2009 6:18:34 PM
I've improved greatly. I think you'd give me decent marks - especially if I leave it in your hands . And don't worry - I'm very vocal.

Received May 26, 2009 4:43:00 PM
Just 2 pieces today. I'm beginning to think there's no methodology, no logic behind the gum fairy. Can she be pleased?

Sent May 26, 2009 4:48:48 PM
Never satisfied. At least not yet. There's a method to the madness. Gum fairy has her ways.

Received May 26, 2009 4:58:15 PM
Not convinced. In fact, I'd love to get my hands on the gum fairy.

Sent May 26, 2009 5:11:35 PM
I think you'll find the gum fairy very agreeable.

Received May 28, 2009 5:58:40 PM
So what's your request? And how long will I need to fulfill it?

Sent May 28, 2009 6:51:14 PM
It's a request worthy of four pieces upon completion. Requires a bit of planning. Length of fulfillment tbd.

Received May 28, 2009 7:28:55 PM
Tempting. Share more details when youre willing We can work on the planning while I'm away.

Sent May 28, 2009 8:38:02 PM
Will do. Something to look forward to, one might say. No need to be held to such rigid restrictions as the passenger bill of rights.

Sent May 29, 2009 10:31:13 AM
It's a beautiful day for traffic court.

Received May 29, 2009 11:51:25 AM
Traffic court equals pain. Just got out. Not guilty. Suck it. Took longer than I hoped. So i won't be able to meet up. The thought of meeting up really helped me pass the time as I waited for the judge to call my name. Just saying.

Sent May 29, 2009 12:22:39 PM
I'm glad to hear the long arm of the law took pity on a one-handed crip. Win. Willing to be a captive audience if you ever feel the need to share aforementioned thoughts. Just saying.

Received May 29, 2009 12:44:50 PM
I believe in showing not telling. Even if I have to do it repeatedly. Point is to do it well.

Sent May 29, 2009 1:33:52 PM
Showing is always preferable to telling. Helps to really drive it home. Especially when done over and over and over again.

Received May 29, 2009 2:11:43 PM
People learn differently. I'm not against coming at it at different angles before deciding what works best.

Sent May 29, 2009 2:50:14 PM
I'm a fast learner. But I'll position myself in any way you see fit to doggedly pursue these endeavors.

Received May 29, 2009 2:59:49 PM
About to climb into the back of a cab. Long ride to the airport. Usually I like long rides.

Sent May 29, 2009 3:28:49 PM
Wouldnt worry about the cab. Soon enough a certain landing strip will be in your future.

Received May 31, 2009 12:06:25 AM
You know you're a crip when you can hold chopsticks with your gimp hand but can't bend your elbow to lift the sushi to your mouth. Guh.

Sent May 31, 2009 12:58:46 AM
As a crip it's important to learn your limitations. Tough racket, indeed. Ah, if only every day could be slider Tuesday. Or at the very least sloppy joe Friday.

Received May 31, 2009 1:00:19 AM
Shouldn't you be sleeping? And you're the one who loves beef sliders.

Sent May 31, 2009 1:05:59 AM
Can't argue with either point. Especially the latter.

We wish these crazy kids the best! Even though obviously there are a lot of people who know them who just really don't like them!

Auctioneers hoped these marble toilets would go for up to $5,000 apiece; they sold for $200. If you bought these, please use a lot of bleach before you install them.

Now this is the kind of "art" you'd expect to see in the Gooch's pad. The auction house's web site describes them as "molded plastic with high releif [sic] neoclassical female busts with sun ray crowns." Yes, those are a lot of female busts.

For more pictures of the gaudy things that Bob Guccione hosted orgies on and around, go here, here, here, here, here, and here.

Copyranter is the definitive repository of these ads, so blame him.

[via Copyranter at Coilhouse, who has another ad featuring a cat that cat lovers might not enjoy]

Passing out at a frat party: always a fantastic idea.
[Via Slog]

The National Enquirer, in a story headlined "Top Dole Aide Caught in Group-Sex Ring," reported that the Stones had apparently run personal ads in a magazine called Local Swing Fever and on a Web site that had been set up with Nydia's credit card. "Hot, insatiable lady and her handsome body builder husband, experienced swingers, seek similar couples or exceptional muscular . . . single men," the ad on the Web site stated. The ads sought athletes and military men, while discouraging overweight candidates, and included photographs of the Stones. At the time, Stone claimed that he had been set up by a "very sick individual," but he was forced to resign from Dole's campaign. Stone acknowledged to me that the ads were authentic.

So. He wrote a letter to the FBI about Spitzer's hooker patronage. We know that. Also he has advice on how McCain can win the election that would probably actually work, if McCain is smart enough to run a Nixon campaign.

Stone also seems to have enjoyed Angels in America, as his description of legendary scumbag Roy Cohn closely matches a monologue the Cohn character delivers in that play. "'Roy was not gay,' Stone told me. 'He was a man who liked having sex with men. Gays were weak, effeminate.'" Glad we got that cleared up.

The Dirty Trickster [New Yorker]

New York found Epstein at a Siegal event. She's quoted talking about him more-or-less glowingly in New York's December feature on the disgraced financier. And today Page Six reports on a public sighting that would've really been too terrible to conceive:

May 8, 2008 — JEFFREY Epstein, who made a trip to Israel last month, thought about staying there, as Roman Polanski did in France, rather than face trial and possibly jail on charges of soliciting sex from prostitutes. But the money manager came home. "Would you want to live in Israel?" he asked Vanity Fair's Vicky Ward yesterday. At the screening the night before of HBO's documentary about Polanski, the crowd - including Harvey Weinstein, Jeff Bewkes, Dustin Hoffman, Emmy Rossum , Alec Baldwin and filmmaker Michael Mailer - was buzzing that Epstein had absconded. In fact, he was in his Upper East Side mansion. Ward wrote yesterday on the VF Web site, "He'd even thought about going to the Polanski screening until various friends e-mailed him to say, in so many words, 'Are you in- sane?' "

We'd guess "various friends" means "Peggy Siegal." Or, hell, Howard Rubenstein, Epstein's flack, who also reps the Post, as you may remember. Still, it's a good sign that they're finally advising him not to go out, especially to see movies about famous people who run away to foreign countries to avoid jail time for sex crimes.

Ugh.

[via Guest of a Guest]

"Exhausted from his full-throttle social life," Washington Wire tells us, "McCain nonetheless rallied to attend one last party." It was at that party that McCain met this model, whose name is still being withheld. Days later, McCain had to skip town—he's a busy man—but a correspondence was kept up.

McCain returned to Brazil at Christmas, for four days. He quickly met back up with his model, but ever-present chaperones kept their visits rather chaste. Until the last night.

"McCain went to the model's house for dinner but found the door unlocked. He let himself in and heard a voice call from the bedroom, "I'll be right out.'" And right out she was. And, according to McCain, "she was not dressed for dinner." Scandalous! Gross!

Also all of this happened in 1957.

Then McCain graduated from the Naval Academy and went to Vietnam and was tortured for a couple years and then he came back home and cheated on his wife.

McCain and the Model [WSJ]

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