Adele vomits constantly, but it's more anxiety disorder than eating disorder. Madonna ridicules a fan on an open mic. Alyson Hannigan isn't pregnant, just bloated. Alexander Skarsgard growls at girls. Tuesday gossip is body conscious.

Taylor Swift writes an angry song about an older man named John. Anne Hathaway "cried everyday" filming sex scenes with Jake Gyllenhaal. Christina Aguilera's inevitable lesbian divorce rumors arrive. Tuesday gossip sings for its supper.

Guy Ritchie is okay when it comes to fast-paced gangster movies; but his new genre of "five-minute-long perfume commercials in which (SPOILER) Jude Law and the model lady just wanna stand almost-nekkid by the Eiffel Tower" leaves us strangely unaroused.

Eight kids takes a toll. Elin Nordegren flees to Sweden and wants to stay there. Heather Locklear's hit and run, Cuban Gooding Jr.'s boozy ramble, Naomi Campbell's blood diamond. Thursday's gossip roundup is too busy to get nasty.

• This is going to come as a big shock to you, we're sure, but it seems Alex Rodriguez has been hooking up with several women since splitting up with Kate Hudson. A-Rod also "keeps bragging that Madonna is still texting him all the time," although for Madonna's sake, let's hope that isn't true. [P6]
• Angelina Jolie…

[Robert Downey Jr, Guy Ritchie, and Jude Law are pimpin' at the after party for the Sherlock Holmes premiere in Manhattan last night. Image via Getty]

After moving to L.A., this hypersexual British socialite and reality TV star couldn't land a headline, no matter how many nips she slipped or how much body paint she wore. Then, Casey Johnson planted a sex toy in her bed.

• The gloves are off in the divorce between ex-model Stephanie Seymour and mogul Peter Brant. He claims she blows through $257,000 a month (including $50K a month on clothing alone); has been stealing and/or smashing some of his "pricey art objects"; has a history of abusing drugs; and has been bringing her…

Divorces are ugly business. That's what we can learn from today's gossip roundup, which includes Madonna and Guy Ritchie acting like children, Peter Brant taking on Stephanie Seymour's fashion habit and, on another note, the return of Tina Fey's Palin.

Bill O'Reilly is celebrating his 60th today; we're counting on you, Keith Olbermann, to make sure O'Reilly's big day is a very special one. Fashion designer Karl Lagerfeld is turning 76. Just in time for Fashion Week, model Coco Rocha is turning 21. Movie director (and Madonna ex) Guy Ritchie turns 41. Ryan Phillippe…

The most recent comic book movies have focused on a hero who overcomes obstacles to save the world. Woo. Thankfully, Guy Ritchie's about the change that with Lobo, about a bad ass alien who takes no shit. Good. [Variety]

• Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen and their boyfriends, Nate Lowman and Justin Bartha, had super evening out the other night. It involved steak, making out, tickling, and "chain-smoking cigarettes until after 4am." [P6]
• Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez aren't on the friendliest terms these days. Now things have turned…

Madonna regrets breaking up with Guy Ritchie because she's bored schtupping young men. Kate Major's still talking, for some reason, about Jon Gosselin. Leighton Meester went shopping and the SWAT team was called in. Here's your Saturday Morning Gossip Roundup:

Did Page Six get you all excited this morning about the possibility of Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law doing a steamy gay love scene in Guy Ritchie's upcoming Sherlock Holmes? We scoured the screenplay for the movie's gayest scene.

IRS authorities are after Nick Cage, Clooney shows off his new lady-friend, Jude Law met the mother of his latest child on the street at 4am, Britney Spears has a new do and a Sopranos movie is in the works.

• Cameron Douglas, the son of Michael Douglas, was arrested at the Gansevoort Hotel last week. The crime? He had about $18,000 worth of meth with him, which he was planning to sell. [NYP]
• Mischa Barton's return to the party scene this past weekend wasn't entirely drama-free. She got upset and talked "frantically"…

Kim Cattrall breaks up with her man, Will and Jada Smith have lots of sex, Chace Crawford is moving out of Ed Westwick's place to get his own apartment downtown and Megan Fox is shopping for a house.

Meghan McCain demands the "really hot" Hillary Duff to play her in the movie about her life, Lindsay Lohan is paid big bucks to party, Farrah is laid to rest, Michael Jackson's photographer speaks and Courtney Love suffers from malnutrition.

Jada Pinkett Smith says she and Will like to bang in other people's homes, Victoria Beckham has her third boob job, Nicole Ritchie breaks up Lohan and Ronson, Owen Wilson still loves Kate Hudson, and Judd Apatow sucks in bed.