Jasmine and Casey were besties until the latter allegedly broke into the former's apartment. There, Jasmine says, Casey masturbated in her bed, then left the used vibrator bewteen the sheets and absconded with a grand theft's worth of jewelry, clothes, and panties. Now Jasmine's speaking out about Casey's insanity—but who, you ask, is Jasmine?

• She's Trainwreck Royalty Papa was a playboy shoe magnate, Mama was a 1970s Bond girl. According to their mother, Jasmine and her sisters were named after three of their father's mistresses, "a tribute to those who didn't make it." Jasmine's parents divorced when Mom realized Dad had gambled away the family fortune, and Mom went on to fake a pregnancy and say this other lady's fiance was the daddy, which led to a nasty little lawsuit in 1995.
• 
  
• She's an Early Bloomer Jasmine started modeling at 14. By 17 she had, according to the London Evening Standard, stolen thousands of pounds from her mother to pay off menacing drug dealers, and even checked into five-star London hotels for three-day sex and drugs orgies, with bowls filled with high-grade cocaine," and once did a stint at the Priory alongside Kate Moss.
• 
  
• She's a Reality TV Villain Who Catfights Above Her Weight Class Jasmine was the "rich bitch" of Britain's Make Me a Supermodel's first season, causing supermodel host Rachel Hunter to muse aloud about wishing Lennard would get stung by a bee and die. Jasmine later got a job hosting an Make Me a Supermodel spin-off, but was fired for calling Hunter "Rachel Munter" (apparently it's a really bad word in England?) and "a fat bitch past her sell-by date who cost me winning the show" and "fat, spotty, and finished" and "I suggest she throws out the truckload of make-up she uses and hire a personal trainer."
• 
  
• She Dates Men and Women, Young and Old Paramours allegedly include Simon Cowell (while he was dating Terri Seymour), Hugh Grant, and Courtenay Semel, Casey Johnson's on-again off-again "lesbian Don Juan" heiress girlfriend, who blew the whistle on Casey's alleged crime when she recognized Jasmine's panties on Casey and sent Lennard a text message:
  

  There's a problem, Jaz, Casey Johnson just got into bed with me and she is wearing your underwear. You need to call police. There are documents here, your shoes and your clothing—you need to call the police.

  Jasmine's not gay, it's just that she is just very beautiful, and so are her friends, so sometimes it's hard to resist:

  I meet a lot of beautiful girls working in the modelling industry and I prefer to look at them rather than men, sometimes. I'm not a lesbian. ... But being with a woman is a totally different sexual experience. They're soft, with curves, boobs and sensual lips.

• She Was Friends with Casey Johnson Until Casey, Like, Fell in Love with Her Isn't it so annoying when you take a drug-addled, emotionally damaged heiress under your wing, but she totally bites the hand that's feeding her, because she is such a hungry bitch and does not have as much self control with food as I do, because, gawd, I'm awesome:
  

  Since the day I met Casey, I have only been a good force in her life. ... I tried to get her off drugs and alcohol. ... I've given her money. I am the only person who helped this girl, and I believe she was obsessed with me, and thinks in her mind we had some kind of affair.

  This time she really messed with the wrong lady. I am going to teach her a lesson

• 
  
• She Enjoys Lollipops Jasmine was in Guy Richie-directed Revolver, where she shows her panties and satiates an oral fixation in a scene interspliced with a gory shoot-out.
• 
  

• Madonna once called Guy Ritchie "retarded." Now he's getting revenge by calling her "retarded," too. Shit, celebrities can be so retarded. [Page Six]
  
  
• Oh, good! The gloves are coming off in Peter Brant's divorce from Stephanie Seymour. Court papers say that Seymour, who's famous for being a model, spends $50,000 on clothes every month and has been stealing art from the mansion she shared with Brant, who owns Interview. Yee-haw! [Page Six]
  
  
• Courtney Love, who posts a scary amount of late night tweets, would like to thank her parents for her ass, but nothing else. [Twitter]
  
  
• Get excited, people, because Tina Fey will again impersonate Sarah Palin on Saturday Night Live. [NYDN]
  
  
• Conrad Murray, the doctor everyone thinks killed Michael Jackson, may be arrested after failing to show up to family court to discuss the $13,000 he owes in back child support. [ET]
  
  
• Dina Lohan has a line of shoes, which we hope will be more bearable than Lindsay's pathetic fashion line. [Page Six]
  
  
• Kanye West loves Alexander McQueen sooo much. But in the straightest way possible, of course. [Kanye]
  
  
• Heidi Fleiss was in a "horrific" car crash back in June. Don't worry, though, she's as alright as she was before the crash, which we suppose isn't saying much, but it's something. [TMZ]
  
  
• Wow! So, Gourmet's closing's a big deal, huh? It's so big, in fact, that a cafe worker at Newark's airport recognized former editor Ruth Reichl and gave her a sandwich. If only all former Conde staffers were getting such treatment... [Page Six]

• Madonna regrets breaking up with Guy Ritchie, supposedly. Also, the novelty of dating her A-Rod proxy, Jesus Luz, has worn off, sources say, which is besides all of her Kabbalah friends being like, OY, A GOYIM NAMED JESUS?! Madge, babbeleh, step off it. Anyway, now that Madonna's learning the whole Big Yellow Taxi Theory firsthand, maybe she will stop tearing down trees/divorcing husbands who are probably good for her in the long run and shtupping men who're half her age. Also, getting to write about Madonna and Kabbalah reminds me of this 1998 MTV VMA performance where she did this ridiculous Shanti chant that segued into "Ray of Light." Two things: (1) in retrospect, this moment makes so much sense on the Timeline of Madonna Being Ridiculous as it was clearly kind of an important one and (2) the VMAs, man: they just don't make them like they used to. Watch Lenny Kravtiz get on stage with Madge for "Ray of Light" and come to terms with the fact that you just don't have it in you to be as ridiculous as Madonna. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Star reporter and Star-fucker Kate Major thinks Jon Gosselin needs to be alone right now, and I think Kate Major needs to go to a decompression tank or something. She's the succubus of celebrity reporting.
  
  
• A bunch of Long Island teenagers in Great Neck freaked out and basically shut down a road after they saw Leighton Meester shopping yesterday. They had to, like, call in the SWAT team or something just to keep these kids at bay while Meester perused the racks of a, let's see, a Steven Dann store? Can someone tell me if that's impressive or pedestrian? No offense to Great Neck - okay, offense to Great Neck - but it can't be that impressive if she was shopping in Great Neck. Also: why was she shopping in Great Neck? The only truth to Page Six items is that, like religion and drugs, they only lead to more questions. [Page Six]
  
  
• In what's clearly a Richard Johnson-penned item, Joan Rivers, who's now like 109, hired three security guards to watch over her penthouse apartment "to make sure that guests weren't tempted to swipe any of her tchotchkes." Oy. Paranoia reigns supreme, but then again, Rivers' tchotchkes could probably be sold to the Natural Museum of History, so there's that. [Page Six]
  
  
• Tracy Morgan and his wife are getting a divorce, and hopefully Morgan will remain stable without her, but for some reason, I don't think this is going to happen. Am I the only one on this? [NY Daily News]
  
  
• Sienna Miller told Conan O'Brien that she burned her boobs on the set of G.I. Joe after an explosion went wrong and her bra caught fire. I'm sure this won't encourage the young delinquient masses who're G.I. Joe's sad target audience at all. At. All. [NY Daily News]
  
  
• Fanboys, appreciaite the sacrifice of Robert Downey Jr. He still hates getting in the Iron Man suit, and called it "torture." Most other celebrities I'd be like, psh, whatever, they're getting paid $20M to walk around in an Iron Suit and we can't even see their faces but it's Robert Downey Jr. Former crackheads receive the benefit of the doubt in instances like this. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Gerard Butler's thought about having sex with Jennifer Aniston, and it's like, really? This is an item? Also, dude, you'd be getting John Mayer's Wonderland-esque Body's Sloppy Seconds. And then you'll think about John Mayer's O-Face. And that's about that. Also, is Butler not, like, everywhere lately? Please someone tell me how he likes his eggs because seriously, that's got to be the next item on him. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Robert Pattinson did something in private and People reported on it. [People]
  
  
• Ha. There was a wire profile of Lady Gaga and they didn't mention the rumor about her supposed peener. [Reuters]
  
  
• Shannon Elizabeth and some dude she was dating from one of those dancing shows broke up and Tweeted it. It was amicable, which Twitter obviously wasn't meant for. If you're going to end a relationship on Twitter, you need to make it a holy mess, or else, there's no point. Seriously. Just do the real thing where nobody can see it and live a normal life. [People]

The New York Post's gossip column didn't have much to base its conclusion that Ritchie had given the sleuthing tale a homoerotic backstory except for Downey's quote in the News of the World earlier this year that his Holmes and Law's Watson are "two men who happen to be roommates, wrestle a lot and share a bed. It's bad-ass."

That was apparently enough to put conservative radio host and family-friendly movie critic Michael Medved into a full-blown gay panic. "There's not a seething, bubbling hunger to see straight stars impersonating homosexuals. ... Who is going to want to see Downey Jr. and Law make out? I don't think it would be appealing to women. Straight men don't want to see it."

Well, we got a hold of a copy of a script to see just how gay it is, and to Medved's relief (or secret disappointment?) there're no scenes of Holmes and Watson going Brokeback. Our version is dated March 18, 2008, so it may not be the final, final revision. But the only explicit sex mentioned is a half-naked post-coital shot of Downey and Rachel McAdams in bed. That doesn't mean, of course, that Ritchie didn't direct his actors to give the Holmes-Watson dynamic some sexual tension. Here's the script's gayest moment — a scene that comes early in the movie when Watson tells Holmes that he's getting married. I could see how it could be played gay, but be your own judge.

Click images for a larger, more legible version

• Nicholas Cage is being chased by authorities for over $6-million in back taxes they say that he owes. This would seemingly explain why he's been selling off so many of his real estate holdings over the past year or so. Now seriously, how does a guy making at least $12-million per film get into this sort of situation? [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Oh dear. Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson appear to be making another run at it, which is probably good for humanity as it'll restrict the various strains of social disease carried within their loins from mutating into the general population. But still, enough already. [Sun]
  
  
• Rumors are swirling that there might be a Sopranos movie in the works. Lorraine Bracco hinted that the cast is just waiting for the right script, while Stevie Van Zandt said that his character is definitely still alive. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• George Clooney took his new "lapdance model" girlfriend out for a motorbike ride in the Italian countryside with Rande Gerber and Cindy Crawford. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Director Guy Ritchie is sort of turning his new Sherlock Holmes movie starring Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law into a gay film. [Page Six]
  
  
• Jude Law supposedly met the mother of his new child on the street after a club they were both partying at closed for the night at 4am. He then took her to a diner and after they went back to his hotel room. How incredibly romantic! [Sun]
  
  
• Dina and Michael Lohan actually hung out together at a benefit over the weekend without killing each other. No sign of Jon Gosselin, unfortunately. [Page Six]
  
  
• Britney Spears is showing off a new look—platinum blonde hair! It's just nasty, but then again, so much better than the bald look she formerly sported. [Mirror]
  
  
• Sonia Sotomayor was spotted "out east" over the weekend shopping for fried chicken, naturally. [Page Six]
  
  
• Jack Nicholson is still out there doing his thing, partying it up with women young enough to be his granddaughter in exotic locales. The picture of him here dancing with the girl doing the limbo or whatever made me laugh out loud. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Mischa Barton had a "disastrous" dinner with friends in West Village the other night, where witnesses said she was chain-smoking and rambling on and on about a stalker. [Page Six]
  
  
• Here are photos of Jennifer Lopez's ample booty in a skimpy red bikini. [Daily Mail]

• The cougar to end all cougars is on the prowl again as Kim Cattrall is single after dumping her boyfriend of five years. She is a man-eater and we are oh so willing to be devoured! [EOnline]
  
  
• Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith want everyone to know that they do lots of boning. They get it on all over the place. They will bone in your bed if you don't keep an eye on them. So, just so you know, they are married and neither of them is gay and they nail each other all the time. [Page Six]
  
  
• Chace Crawford is finally moving out of Ed Westwick's pad and getting a place of his own down in the financial district. [Daily News]
  
  
• Megan Fox is looking for a new pad in the Los Angeles area in the 2 to 3 million dollar range. For now she continues to shack up with David Silver. [Daily News]
  
  
• The LAPD is investigating the death of Michael Jackson as a homicide and they are focusing their investigation on Dr. Ronald Murray. [TMZ]
  
  
• Guy Ritchie came back into the picture and Madonna kicked Latin boy toy Jesus Luz to the curb. Maybe he and Carlos Leon can get coffee together and talk sometime. [Daily News]
  
  
• Lance Bass, who went to space camp as a kid and attempted to become a Russian astronaut or something a few years back, is holding fast to his dream of traveling into outer space. [Daily News]
  
  
• Is Penelope Cruz pregnant with Javier Bardem's baby? Page Six seems to think so, all because of what they see as a bit of an obvious "baby bump." [Page Six]
  
  
• After spending much of the past decade living the crackhead lifestyle, Whitney Houston has cleaned up remarkably well. [Daily Mail]

• Lindsay Lohan, America's favorite walking Petri dish of human social disease, has been celebrating her birthday for weeks now it seems, but this weekend is finally the official birthday party, and she's being paid $70,000 to host a party for herself at the MGM Grand in Vegas. [Page Six]
  
  
• Meghan McCain's sure to be shitty book isn't even out yet but she's already laying it down that she wants Hillary Duff to play her in the movie Hollywood makes out of the book because she's "really hot." Oh, and she wants Bradley Cooper to be in it to because he's "so hot." Meghan McCain is Paris Hilton. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Farrah Fawcett was laid to rest yesterday. Her former Charlie's Angels co-stars turned out and her son Redmond was released from jail for the funeral. [Sun]
  
  
• The photographer who took the photos of Michael Jackson on stage during his last rehearsal says that Michael felt reborn and energized to be on stage again and performed for an hour and a half without a glitch. [Mirror]
  
  
• Creepy old lizard Larry King refuses to fly on commercial planes. Instead he gets around by private jet, which is probably a good thing, because who'd want to sit next to Larry King on a cross-country flight? [Page Six]
  
  
• Courtney Love's doctors have diagnosed her with having malnutrition and basically told her that she needs to get some meat and potatoes in her or she's going to die. [Mirror]
  
  
• Fox is really desperate to hold on to Simon Cowell for the next season of American Idol. So much so that they're offering him $144 million bucks, 4 times the $36 million he made last season, to stick around. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Former New York Times head honcho Howell Raines is spending his days fishing in the creek like an old country hick. [Page Six]
  
  
• Some British billionaire's wife had to be carried out of Guy Ritchie's pub after she partied the night away with young buck Justin Timberlake. Jessica Biel was not reported to be around. [Daily Mail]

• Jada Pinkett Smith says that she and husband Will keep their sex life spicy by going to parties at people's houses and sneaking off for a quick bang in the host's bedroom or closet or bathroom. Is this a Scientology thing? [Sun]
  
  
• Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson broke up again because they got into a huge fight over Nicole Ritchie, of all people, because Ritchie invited Ronson to a party but insisted that Lohan could not come with her. [DListed]
  
  
• Victoria Beckham recently had her third boob job, this time to reduce the ridiculous lady-mounds she enlarged so she'd fit in with the locals when she and the family moved to LA. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• No, Owen Wilson isn't hung up at all on Kate Hudson. He just dates a woman who look exactly like her, which of course will cause all of us to gossip and speculate endless that he is actually hung up on her. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Judd Apatow confirmed what many people have probably been thinking for quite some time—He is utterly horrible in bed. [Page Six]
  
  
• Larry David loves New York for its distinct smell of urine and because it's virtually impossible to get someone to give you change for a ride on the bus. [Starpulse]
  
  
• Former New York Giant defensive end Michael Strahan is engaged to Eddie Murphy's ex-wife Nicole. [Daily News]
  
  
• Amy Winehouse's amazingly astute parents think that all of Amy's drinking might have the potential to, you know, kill her! [Sun]
  
  
• Why does Megan Fox hate children who attempt to give her flowers? [DListed]
  
  
• Guy Ritchie is enjoying the single life in London now that he's rid himself of that addicted to African adoptions wife of his. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Britney Spears took a break from terrorizing London's nightlife to take her kids to the zoo over there. [Sun]
  
  
• In honor of his dead friend, Johnny Depp has named a beach on his private island after Heath Ledger. [Mirror]

An action yarn complete with ham-slamming fisticuffs and wittily bantered-about gun play, a sexy/funny love interest (Rachel McAdams), and a door hoofening sidekick (Jude Law's Watson). While some (including us) may have been hoping for something darker and more ruminative, something in the vein of From Hell (but better), we should have known better based on Ritchie's lock stocking oeuvre. Ah well.

Looks fun, at least. We'll see it at Christmas.

[via Movieline]

• Michael Phelps was spotted at Marquee with four bottles of vodka, yelling "shots!" when M.I.A.'s song "Paper Planes" came on and making out with his cocktail waitress girlfriend, who he's apparently still with, thanks to a certain fundamental intellectual compatibility probably involving favorite sunglass and sunscreen brands. By the time the Olympic champion got to Tenjune around 2 a.m. the area around him smelled like weed.
  
• At her new co-op, Tina Fey is apparently neighbors with herself imitating Sarah Palin. The neighbor described Fey: "Oh, she's fabulous! Not fancy-shmancy like Park Avenue, not glitzy like Fifth and not terminally hip like SoHo. She's just cozy folks." Cozy Folks is actually the name of Fey's forthcoming sitcom about an adorable Midwestern family transplanted to a Gotham apartment building, where they live next to a neurotic television writer. Hijinks ensue. [P6]
  
• Victoria Floethe said she's tracked down the snitch who ratted out her affair with Michael Wolff to Cityfile.com. She won't say who that person is. But as punishment Floethe is going to tell her every last detail of every last time she had hot, moaning, sweaty sex with Michael Wolff. [P6]
  
• Madonna's been crying on Guy Ritchie's shoulder about her thwarted bid to adopt that Malawi kid. Ritchie asked the singer why she couldn't focus on the children she already had. Then he remembered A-Rod and the Brazilian boytoy, the long line of spurned hometowns and friends and lovers and family members, and he suddenly had a moment of clarity, about Madonna. [Sun]
  
• Peaches Geldof threw her shoe into a crowd at Bungalow 8 and a hit a woman. The woman's boyfriend then confronted Geldof, who later tried to have him arrested, possibly for throwing a glass. The cops went ahead and didn't do that. [Mirror]
  
• Britney Spears objected to all the weed smoke at a concert in Vancouver and walked off stage for 40 minutes. Still, the crowd applauded. She ended her concert with "Don't smoke weed!" Still, the crowd applauded. It seems like Canada really has this "How to cope with a Britney Spears run-in" technique nailed: Smoke weed and applaud, constantly. [Sun]

• Nadya Suleman's mother is so over babysitting Nadya's original six kids so she can visit the other eight. She also thinks the kids should be given up for adoption. Meanwhile, Nadya thinks the hospital might not release the octuplets to her. [Us]
• Been laid off? Mr. T says you should "man up," "keep trying" and stop "crying like a baby." Also, "knock a fool out," but only when necessary. [Mirror]
• Tila Tequila wants Christian Bale to verbally abuse her. Assuming that will get her a headline. Score! [Us]
• Sumner Redstone still attends events with the wife he divorced in October, amid rumors he was hanging around with the ex prior to her.
• Derek Jeter helped his 22-year-old girlfriend tighten her ass with a program of guided gym workouts. It was actually her idea, so try and figure out who' using who. [Gatecrasher]
• Jodie Foster was clocked going 54 miles per hour in a 35 zone in Beverly Hils. In a Prius, because she cares about the environment. Only broadly speaking, apparently. [P6]
• Rachel Ray is poised to be just as obnoxious, untalented and out of place at South by Southwest as she is on the Food Network. [P6]
• Rihanna was photographed on a beach in Mexico. Looking unhappy, obviously. [Mail]
• Guy Ritchie calls ex-wife Madonna "It," supposedly. [Sun]
• Patriots Quarterback Tom Brady and supermodel Gisele Bundchen married in a stealth ceremony in Santa Monica last night. Due to time zone issues, British tabloids could only take pictures of cardboard cutouts of the couple.

• Pregnant rapper M. I. A. did such a good job at the Grammys that Oscars show producers say they're desperate to book the overdue fresh-minted mom to perform "O Saya" from the excellent Slumdog Millionaire soundtrack. "We are happy to bring some sort of fabulous bed on stage if that means M.I.A. can be there." (UPDATE: Oh right, she finally had the kid. Sorry for calling you "twisted," Oscars producers!)
• To protect his reputation, Michael Phelps is hanging out in strip clubs. He figures no one can take his picture there. [Page Six]
• Justin Timberlake didn't literally beat away the models with a stick at Fashion Week, but it sounds like it almost came to that. Apparently it wasn't enough that he was making out furiously with Jessica Biel. Models can be dense. [Gatecrasher]
• Angelina Jolie might move to Manhattan. She was looking at a place in Washington Heights. They might already be remodeling the building for her. [Us]
• Jennifer Aniston might run into Jolie at the Oscars. Scientists have various theories on what will happen in the collision, and warn there's no way of knowing anything for certain in advance of the actual event. Goggles, as always, are recommended for onlookers. [OK!]
• Sarah Jessica Parker thinks the next Sex And The City movie will need to be "recession-friendly." Which sounds so implausible it gives us hope the recession might finally kill off the franchise, forever. [Us]
• MC Hammer finally got his own reality show, focusing on his life as a "new-age dad" in Oakland. A&E picked it up. [Hollywood Reporter]
• Guy Ritchie is pissed because he has to re-shoot various Sherlock Holmes scenes, because he was distracted by his divorce from Madonna. As though we all weren't distracted by his divorce from Madonna. [Sun]
• Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are suddenly not going to the Oscars, for some reason. Maybe so they can get some press when they do go to the Oscars. [OK!]

• Well, OK. Not really. But she does owe almost twelve grand on back property taxes for her Massapaquonsetsauhut home, and if she doesn't pay up next week, the lien will be sold at public auction. Yes, you could buy Dina Lohan's debt and lord it over her forever. Dina of course blames her shiftless drifter ex-husband, Michael: "My ex is in arrears for child support, and I think it has come from that area." Michael responded, through a rep: "I haven't been in arears since I got out of prison." (Sorry, Pareene.) [P6]
• Madonna would like to ensure, legally, that her two young sons get the proper care when in their father's custody. She filed papers today making sure that they must stay kosher, go to temple twice a week, and have a good internet connection at their dad, Guy Ritchie's, fancy English castle or whatever. And you know what's on the the internet... So, great. Two more rich Jewish boys with sex problems. Thanks, Maddy. [NYDN]
• Sad, appearance-obsessed Olympic swimmer Amanda Beard has found a fiance, photographer Sasha Brown. Upon hearing that her artsy fartsy brother had found himself a beard, Brown's bitchy, sarcastic younger sister Claire snorted and said "Ha, you don't say." To which Brown's mother, Donna Brown, lightly swatted her daughter's knees and said "Oh you, now stop. Just terrible." But you could tell she was smiling a little bit. [Us]
• High Ferret Chancellor Kevin Federline is renting out his children to their mother, Louisiana cosmetology student Britney Spears, for $5,000 a week. In a related story, octuplet-birthing mother of 14 Nadya Suleman raised her head suddenly and chirped "You can do that??" [Sun]
• Peaches Geldof is out at booze parties again, even though she is now a divorced and ruined woman. You'd almost think that the 19-year-old didn't take this stuff seriously or something. [Mirror]

• Remember when rumors about a straight star in a gay bar were undesirable for the celebrity? These days the star not only goes to the bar but sings a showtune there and leaks the whole thing to the gossip columns, to prove he's totally comfortable around gay people. Especially if the star is Guy Ritchie, accused homophobe. But he makes sure to throw in that he had two "hot chicks" with him, just so, you know, no one thinks he's light in the loafers. [P6]
• Christian Bale's mom knows how that director of photography feels. "I wish [Christian] hadn't carried on so long or so fiercely, it was upsetting to hear him." [OK!]
• Jennifer Aniston let slip in a magazine interview that she still has Brad Pitt's old answering machine messages. Oh, oh Jennifer. Even as a publicity stunt for your movie: Sad. [Mirror]
• Marc Jacobs' boyfriend wore a t-shirt to a movie screening reading, "Do me in the park. Marc." Such a Sean Preston move. [P6]
• Katie Couric is not afraid to speak the name of Justin Timberlake's SNL skit, "Dick in a Box." Or to be seen asking him about it in an interview. [Scoop]

• Lorne Michaels bought dinner for, and had an intense conversation with, Caroline Kennedy. Which means she's probably going on Saturday Night Live, contingent upon Fred Armisen doing that David Paterson impersonation the governor hates so much.
• Kennedy, meanwhile, rushed to pay six years worth of overdue state bar fees. Which explains why Michaels picked up the tab for dinners. [Gatecrasher]
• Kanye West hired someone to clean and photographically catalog his 450 shoes. In a down economy. Just imagine the sort of household servant jobs he cut. [Ask Men]
• Thanks to a move by top editor Larry Hackett, People's LA bureau chief is no longer in charge of the LA bureau. [P6]
• Guy Ritchie was flirting with various women at Soho House. Jude Law was his wingman. Uh, good luck, buddy. [Gatecrasher]
• Chris Buckley will be this year's commencement speaker at Yale. He plans to teach them "how to get a job at Starbucks," as a sort of joke, you see. By the the time the speech is actually delivered this summer, of course, it will have been reworked as practical advice. [P6]
• HBO may soon make a series about the plight of Ellen Barkin, whose $80 million windfall divorce from Ron Perelman was so traumatizing she still throws things at him when she runs into him at a restaurant. [P6]

• The pair was seen last week with a group of 10 or so people at Lure in Soho enjoying a three-hour tour. Billionaire man-about-town Ron Burkle was there. The captains of wealth ate and ate and ate, their mouths glistening with fish grease, their bellies sloshing with beer, the salty dogs laughing heartily all evening. Sexy! [P6]
• Don't worry. The Blue Parrot, the "honky tonk" Mexican restaurant in decidedly un-honky tonk and un-Mexican East Hampton, will live again. And it will refuse to modernize or "go trendy." Phew. [P6]
• For $50,000 wan actress Chloe Sevigny will show up to your party and sulk for a while, then whine to you that she doesn't know how much a quart of milk costs. For an extra ten grand, she'll chain smoke in the corner and pass out in a heap on the floor. [P6]
• Swoony vampire hunk Robert Pattinson, from teen sex tingler Twilight, apparently told a young lady at a bar: "If I could, I’d have a — on the inside of my elbow so I could lick it all day long.” We're assuming the "—" is code for popsicle. [NYDN]
• Everyone at the Golden Globes took home bags and bags fabulous, glittery swag except for a few pompous principled little prisses. Vanessa Hudgens, the superstar from High School Musical, chatted modestly about her enormous new house while taking $12,000 worth of free shit, like a BlackBerry and a year's worth of movie passes and a gym membership and she smiled and politely farted while outside a hobo ran by in flames and helicopters began dropping out of the sky. [NYDN]
• Elsewhere at the Golden Globe Awards last night: Sascha Baron Cohen scandalized everyone by calling Guy Ritchie Madonna's hired help, Tina Fey made fun of bloggers, Kate Winslet won all the awards, Brad Pitt and Brangelina or whatever were "chaotic and messy," Aaron Eckhart said that Heath Ledger's posthumous meaningless trophy was "fantastic," a movie about horrifyingly impoverished Mumbai won many awards (the ones Kate Winslet didn't snatch away) as well as lots of self-congratulating nodding, knowing applause from the audience, and then across the country everyone else went broke [Us, NYT]

Image via Splash

• Tom Cruise's wife Katie Holmes has cold sores. His ex-wife Nicole Kidman had cold sores. "Cold sore" is a polite term for "oral herpes... transmitted very easily from one kisser to another." Page Six is just saying! And Cruise isn't commenting. [P6]
• Hollywood Reporter writers don't get to fly to Sundance next month, which they blame on publisher Eric Mika, for purportedly blowing the budget visiting his, ahem, "close personal friend" in... Asia. Somewhere on that... continent. [P6]
• Madonna might not come to Britain for Christmas because ex-husband Guy Ritchie won't let her sleep in the country mansion where he will be, and there are no hotels nearby. He single "Miles Away" is her worst-charting in 24 years, below even that song she made for an Estee Lauder perfume in 1996. The stress got so bad, Madonna compulsively adopted a new baby.
• In this corner: Graydon Carter and some purported "vile slumlords" who own Waverly Inn with the Vanity Fair editor. In that corner: Poor renters and vile flack Ronn Torossian. [P6]
• Barack Obama is president, so Oprah Winfrey is picking out a Georgetown mansion, and probably wondering why she hasn't been called about any cabinet posts yet. Sigh. Maybe "political adviser" then, like Karl Rove. [P6]
• Simon Cowell might leave American Idol. [Scoop]
• Marci Klein, the Calvin Klein heriess and Saturday Night Live producer, is in the process of divorcing her model husband. [P6]

However, that's exactly what Madonna is trying to pull after her own rep, Liz Rosenberg, released figures to the tune of $76 million to $92 million on Monday. Now, Madonna and Guy Ritchie are fighting this rampant, inaccurate misinformation put out by, uh, themselves:

"We have tried to maintain a dignified silence regarding the details of our divorce for the last few months whilst accepting the obvious media interest," their statement reads. "A misleading and inaccurate statement, specifically in relation to the sums of money involved, was wrongly issued...this week.

"The financial details of the settlement will remain private, save to say that both of us are happy with our agreement. Our primary concern, like any co-parents, is the care and well-being of our children."

So did a renegotiation go down? We're not sure, but we hope that Ritchie is ribbing the Material Girl with the appropriate taunt: "Save as draft, Madonna, save as draft."

• Madonna, Guy: Mega Divorce Settlement "Inaccurate" [E!]