If our planet's increasingly extreme weather isn't caused by man-made climate change, then it stands to reason that it's actually caused by man-made supervillains using government technology to take American Freedoms with superstorms like Monday's mile-wide monster tornadoes.

As Hurricane Sandy, now combined with a Nor'easter, bears down on the mid-Atlantic, people everywhere are looking for answers: will I be safe? What should I do? Where should I go? And most importantly, what shadowy organization, group, or cosmic force is manipulating the weather to cause this terrible storm? Luckily,…