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Malepocalypse Now: Men Required To Buy Fancy Shampoo

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fileunder
12/01/08

In reply to Malepocalypse Now: Men Required To Buy Fancy Shampoo
To this faggot, there is something inexplicably hot and fratty-hot about AXE, but only when it's worn on someone I'm not gonna be sleeping next to.
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City_Dater
12/01/08

In reply to Malepocalypse Now: Men Required To Buy Fancy Shampoo
As a single woman, I hoped for years that someday self-involved, high-maintenance assclowns would have some kind of warning label, and thanks to the Axe line of products, my wish has come true.

They are scent-marked.
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britneyspearstears
12/01/08

In reply to Malepocalypse Now: Men Required To Buy Fancy Shampoo
Modus Tollens: AXE Bodyspray & MAXIM Magazine

If X, then Y, not Y, therefore not X ("Denial of the consequent")

X = AXE bodyspray

Y = MAXIM magazine

IF a man wears AXE bodyspray,

THEN he also reads MAXIM magazine.

NOT all men who read MAXIM magazine, wear AXE bodyspray.

BUT all men who wear AXE bodyspray, read MAXIM magazine

[echoparkave.com]
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buckshot
12/01/08

In reply to Malepocalypse Now: Men Required To Buy Fancy Shampoo
OK, here's some advice for these douchbags:

1. Replace every gym workout with a yoga session.

2. Buy organic soap and shampoo, or at the very least, not products described as "fresh laser" or "arctic chill." THESE ARE NOT SMELLS!

3. Your deodorant should not be a spray.

4. Don't use any product in your hair.

5. Consider the benefits of flannel.

6. Never, under any circumstances, NEVEREVEREVER, pose in front of a camera.

You probably won't get laid more often, but you won't be a loud, obnoxious smelling jerk off with waxed balls and body-image issues. And you definitely won't see yourself on hotchickswithdouchebags.com.
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minou
12/01/08

@buckshot: Although the yoga-practicing, Tom's of Maine-using, flannel-wearing vegetarian type you described really can be just a different KIND of douchebag.

I would be fine with soap, Speed Stick, and reasonably clean laundry.
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BookishLookish
12/01/08

@minou: That reminds me:

Yo--a goy did yoga--oy. Forward or back, it's the same.
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buckshot
12/01/08

@minou:

It's merely opposite extreme, and as the original douchebag in question is bound to fail at everything he does, he will fail in going to the opposite extreme and find that happy medium of normalcy.
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minou
12/01/08

@buckshot: Fair hypothesis.
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Kid Twist
12/01/08

In reply to Malepocalypse Now: Men Required To Buy Fancy Shampoo
The thing is, guys who use Axe think the name is pronounced "Ask."
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TroisFilles
12/01/08

In reply to Malepocalypse Now: Men Required To Buy Fancy Shampoo
I rather find it amusing that young males are now subject to the same paralyzing insecurities as their female peers. Yes, Jared, your balls smell, your pubic hair is disgusting, your chest hair is an abomination, your pecs too flat, your lips too thin, your hair too greasy and your teeth yellow and crooked. And here's a girdle with fake abs built in. Now go out and become a confident man!
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minou
12/01/08

@TroisFilles: Don't forget back hair!
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Dirk Anger
09/23/09

@TroisFilles: You know what's funny? that the company that owns Axe is the same one that owns Dove and is telling "the real women blah blah blah blah" while saying "you're a real dude, you need to shave your balls then use our after-ball-shave-and-deodorant and etcetera etcetera in order to get the complete opposite of that

Nice...
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uninspired
12/01/08

In reply to Malepocalypse Now: Men Required To Buy Fancy Shampoo
Are we so surprised, considering Unilever/Axe is HQ'd in New Jersey?
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BookishLookish
12/01/08

@uninspired: Snore.
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Mad Due to No More Bonnets
12/01/08

@BookishLatkeish: I'm always tempted to reach into my bag of Staten Island jokes in retaliation, but better not to stoop.

[promomagazine.com]

I'll let Snapple do it for me.
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BookishLookish
12/01/08

@Mad Due to No More Bonnets: Right on.

Uninspired is now my frenemy. Beware my wrath, Jersey Haters.
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Weegee's bored
12/01/08

In reply to Malepocalypse Now: Men Required To Buy Fancy Shampoo
I'm gonna shave my head and have hair tattooed on.
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Unfun
12/01/08

In reply to Malepocalypse Now: Men Required To Buy Fancy Shampoo
Another unexploited category? Masculine deoderant spray. You know, for your balls. We've been told to douche and perfume our girly parts for years, and warned about that "not so fresh feeling." Seems only fair to market to smelly nutsacks.

That was my second "nutsack" containing comment today. I'm going for three! Look out!
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BookishLookish
12/01/08

@Unfun: I feel I must join you in the nutscentricity so yes: balzac spray is back.
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Nice Beaver
12/01/08

@BookishLatkeish: The sweet stench of my balls is the only natural musk this society allows me employ. I won't surrender it without a fight. You can take my armpit stank and my breath, BUT YOU CAN NEVER TAKE MY [BALLSACK] FREEDOM!!!!
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bitchkitty
12/01/08

@Unfun: You know, I'm sure this is already covered - I used live in Portland, and swear I had a client who was developing some kind of shiny wax specifically for balls. "Sack wax" I believe. She gave me a sample to use w/ my bf (um, I'm a girl) that was chai flavored. Made a great lip balm.
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Unfun
12/01/08

@Nard: Oh, but we can, and believe me, we will. Because you see that big-titted blonde over there? She's talking to her friends about the last guy she dated, and his awful, malodorous testicles. And there's nothing that gets her hotter than a fresh set of cinnamon-scented nuts, which you can have too, if you buy our product. You wanna get laid, don't you?!
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BookishLookish
12/01/08

@Unfun @Nard: Male Confidence Spray in Hot Buttered Rum--all the rage for the holiday season.

Nard, it is pointless to resist. Give in to the girly-scented ball spray and you will get your just desserts.
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Unfun
12/01/08

@bitchkitty: Wow, they skipped directly over ball spray and jumped into a wax? Why do I think that product tanked? Sticky balls...hmmm.
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BookishLookish
12/01/08

In reply to Malepocalypse Now: Men Required To Buy Fancy Shampoo
Beer shampoo. 'Nuff said.
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minou
12/01/08

@BookishLatkeish: And that shit works. Makes your hair look great. I turned my ex on to this idea and he loved it because he'd take the beer in the shower, pour dime-sized amount on his head, and drink the rest while jerking off.
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CaptainFantastic
12/01/08

@minou: OMG, I had suspected you were Angela! I hope you're doing well. I still use the beer, BTW.
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minou
12/01/08

@CaptainFantastic: Don't say I never did nothin' for you. You're welcome.
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Vivien Smith-Smythe-Smith
12/01/08

@BookishLatkeish: And it makes your hair so shiney!
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everfade
12/01/08

In reply to Malepocalypse Now: Men Required To Buy Fancy Shampoo
Anyone else here thought Axe was gonna be a flash in the pan type of thing? Go on raise your hand.
The marketing trolls at unnilever must be having pina coladas every friday.
I love how some guys buy it and think they aren't a douche-bag anymore when, in reality, they are just douche-bags that smell like cheap cologne.
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slainte_pants
12/01/08

@everfade: For me the smell of Axe just makes me feel like the person wearing it is incredibly unclean.
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everfade
12/01/08

@slainte_pants: No amount of Axe is going to disguise the smell of unwashed nuts. Trust.
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Unfun
12/01/08

I just don't know how I feel about "The Beauty Myth" as applied to men. On the one hand, I'd hate to see men fall victim, as we ladies often do, to a consumerist culture predicated on making them feel horrible about themselves. On the other hand, haha! It's your turn, dickweeds! Eat it!
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Weegee's bored
12/01/08

@slainte_pants: I'm told that my hair gel smells like K-Y.
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Weegee's bored
12/01/08

@Weegee's bored: I very generously served up a softball here and no one took me up on it. Disappointed!
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es-ki-mo
12/01/08

In reply to Malepocalypse Now: Men Required To Buy Fancy Shampoo
I'm buying my man Axetensions for Christmas. Because he told me he won't be satisfied until he looks like Christina Aguilera.
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run_sunshine
12/01/08

In reply to Malepocalypse Now: Men Required To Buy Fancy Shampoo
A friend stayed at my apartment last weekend and used both Axe body spray and body wash. I had to air out the room after he left. Why oh why do people use Axe products?!!!!
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bytememehard
12/01/08

@run_sunshine: I have a sample can of Axe I got at the gym I keep in my backpack and spray when a I let a fart escape on the train.
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overunderover
12/01/08

In reply to Malepocalypse Now: Men Required To Buy Fancy Shampoo
Catch the results at a mall near where your mom lives!
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Astigmatism
12/01/08

In reply to Malepocalypse Now: Men Required To Buy Fancy Shampoo
Studies show that most men are satisfied with having only two nipples. But there is a growing consensus that women might not know that they could secretly prefer men with surgically implanted third nipples. Therefore, men really shouldn't be satisfied until they ask their doctor about new AstigmaNipples (TM). It's the new new thing!

But wait! Call now, and I'll include a _fourth_ nipple absolutely free! Just pay shipping and handling.
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Mount_Prion
12/01/08

@Astigmatism: So I pay you to handle my nipples? Should be called "shipping and fondling."
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Weegee's bored
12/01/08

@Astigmatism: Can we use clips from that Batman movie as part of the ad campaign?
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minou
12/01/08

@Astigmatism: The whole problem here is that marketers haven't yet figured out what women have always known: Men are ridiculously easy to satisfy. How is anyone supposed to sell them anything?
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