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New York, 6:57 AM
Sat Dec 5
51 posts in the last 24 hours
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11/21/09
[dangerist.typepad.com]
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11/22/09
This way, no death, no food, no smell.
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While we're at it, I'm not crazy about actual smelly hamsters, or rodents generally, up to and including kangaroos.
Speaking of vermin, I walked on the wild side in Madison Square Park for lunch the other day; a delicious lamb gyro and orange juice from a friendly street-meat vendor. It came to $4.50, thank God he could break a hundred, graciously.
ANYway, as I fancied myself daring for eating lunch on a park bench without cutlery, I watched 700 idiots line up to get theirs from that Shake Shack. I'd swear that line scarcely moved. The entire time. But apparently the sort of morons who'd stand an hour and a half on line for that place are also the sorts feeding the aggressive, obese squirrels in that park.
Daytime rats with fluffy tails, these squirrels were seriously out of breath after gamboling between the legs of texting trendies who voluntary chose a Kafkaesque queue to stand in for an hour. To get a hamburger, as if it were the Saigon airlift.
An obese tourist pointed out to his uh, Rubenesque wife- "Look how Faaat that squirrel is!" Between the fat squirrels and the Shake Shack line and the fact that I don't ever usually eat lunch, it was a nightmarish scene of human/animal urban dysfunction.
My point was: rodents deserve death, and I heartily encourage releasing handsome predators in all NYC parks. Owls, falcons, snow leopards . Bengal tigers who know whom to maim selectively. No hamsters, except for that secret ingredient that makes Shake Shack burgers so irresistible. Them and fattened squirrels. It's all true and it's a scandal.
11/21/09
[Making the most of being in a Gawker hamster thread on a Saturday night.]
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#tips
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#tips
11/21/09
You forge a new will naming yourself as beneficiary, I don't give a damn. As long as the Champagne keeps flowing! I die a beautiful death in the ladies' room after you've slapped me around, and you ditch my body somewhere in Far Rockaway, in an impeccably tailored suit. We're beautifully filmed throughout in platinum black- and white.
I won't give away the ending to this movie, but the jury will acquit you after the dramatic trial. Because they'd want to kill the wanton bitch, too.
11/22/09
Sure I'll forge a new will, but there's room for two if we write real small. Doria's taking the wrap for this one. I don't make trips for biscuits. Awright let's get outta here before we both come down with lead poisoning.
#tips
11/21/09
And at least when the battery dies, you don't have to bury it in the backyard.
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Once that little life is your responsibility, you'd be amazed what you're capable of doing.
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We actually had a hamster that we found in our garden at our apartment. She was a fully grown adult hamster and she lived for another 18 months. She finally died of bladder cancer. Talk about survival of the fittest!!
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*OK, I wouldn't crash a car for christ sakes but I get it.
11/21/09
We put up "Found" signs in the laundry rooms of the complex and no one ever contacted us.
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#tips
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#tips
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#tips
11/21/09
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11/21/09
midst of a hypnotic spinning hourglass.
Given the choice between the sounds I just heard and an ear infection, I'd consider choosing the latter.
Last year I started a challenge with myself: to see if I could do all of my holiday shopping online without once having to set foot in a store. I almost made it. It will probably be even easier this year...
Have you ever played Flight of the Hamster? Smashing good fun!
[www.i-am-bored.com]