• Bradley Cooper, who cruelly and publicly stuck Jennifer Aniston in the friend zone recently, is probably boning Renee Zellweger right this minute because they were spotted eating together at an Upper East Side restaurant, where they were allegedly really into each other. Zellweger was overheard repeating the line "you're so funny" all night long. [Daily News]
  
  
• Kevin Jonas, the oldest of those little Jonas freaks, is engaged, so we guess he can shed that chastity ring and stop being a big, fat, stupid virgin soon. [Daily News]
  
  
• Diane Keaton was rushed to the hospital after—Are you ready for this?—injuring herself in a sumo wrestling match! [Sun]
  
  
• Hayden Panetierre is appearing totally nude in the movie I Love You Beth Cooper. She says that she's got the goods so she might as well she them off. We agree! [Daily News]
  
  
• David and Victoria Beckham have now been married for a decade. The Daily Mirror has compiled a list of the Beckham's tips for making a celebrity marriage work. [Mirror]
  
  
• Tinsley Mortimer has fully dumped Topper and has moved on to boning some German aristocrat dude who works for Uma Thurman's boyfriend named Casimir Wittgenstein-Sayn. Yawn. [Page Six]
  
  
• Mischa Barton was kicked out of "the toilets" at a London club after she tried to sneak a girlfriend into a stall with her. A spy notes that Mischa looks as though she was having a "really good time." [Daily Mail]
  
  
• In case you haven't already heard, Michael Jackson's will was examined by a court yesterday and he named Diana Ross as the "legal guardian" of his children. His ex-wife, Debbie Rowe, got nothing. [Mirror]
  
  
• A friend of Farrah Fawcett read a farewell letter written by Farrah to her son Redmond and her longtime love Ryan O'Neal that allegedly had everyone bawling. [Daily Mail]

We can't blame Hayden for being excited about her first election, and she connected her pet cause to get out the vote efforts yesterday. We don't doubt her sincerity, but a series of clues points to a different explanation for her actions.

Think about it: is it possible that the cast of Heroes' emergence in the whale conservation cause is a plot by the whale-hunting lobby? When Heroes inevitably gets canceled and we have to think back on what a colossal opportunity was squandered in the form of that show, the real victim will be the whales. Celebrities considering whale advocacy will always be reminded of the show's failure to deliver on any of its considerable promise.

And we must look to who else benefits from Save the Whales Again! being tarnished with the Heroes brush. Yes, Jenny McCarthy will have all the more attention on her Autism Speaks cause. The connection between the two is so obvious, my love of whales can silence me no more:

Candie's is a most dangerous corporation, and they are not to be trifled with whether you're a whale or an actress. You heard it here first.