It's funny that the AutoTune massacre "Somebody to Love" is being billed as Meester's first track, since the song "Birthday" was all over the internet this spring, but that doesn't make it any better. Meester is just the latest in a long line of small-screen ladies who want to hit the top of the charts. Plug your ears and try to stand the drone of AutoTune

Leighton Meester
TV Show: Gossip Girl
Musical Project: "Somebody to Love" (2009)
Gets Points For: Convincing Robin Thicke to sing with her and being Blair Waldorf.
Loses Points For: Not sounding like a creature that is found in nature.
Horrible-ometer: 7

Kim Zolciak
TV Show: The Real Housewives of Atlanta
Musical Project: "Tardy for the Party" (2009)
Gets Points For: Having a good beat, being a little catchy, and making Andy Cohen dance. Also says she has no desire to sing again.
Loses Points For: Did you watch her try to sing on the show? There's more robot than human on the track.
Horrible-ometer: 4

Heidi Montag
TV Show: The Hills
Musical Project: A number of singles, including "Body Language" (2009)
Gets Points For: Stealing from pop geniuses Yaz
Loses Points For: Have you heard this thing? The beat, the chorus, the singing, everything is disgusting.
Horrible-ometer: 10

Brooke Hogan
TV Show: Hogan Knows Best and Brooke Knows Best
Project: Two albums, Undiscovered (2006) and The Redemption (2009)
Gets Points For: Persistence.
Loses Points For: There's a reason you were undiscovered, and, sorry, there is no redemption after this.
Horrible-ometer: 6

Jo De La Rosa
TV Show: The Real Housewives of Orange County, Date My Ex: Jo and Slade
Musical Project: Unscripted (2008)
Gets Points For: Going away.
Loses Points For: "Singing" the song "Rumors" about how she can't stand people talking about her after she signed up for a reality TV show.
Horrible-ometer: 7

Hayden Panettiere
TV Show: Heroes
Musical Project: A number of singles for Disney movies, "Wake Up Call" (2008)
Gets Points For: Sounding a little bit like Gwen Stefani.
Loses Points For: Not being punk enough to carry off a reggae-inflected slow jam.
Horrible-ometer: 4

Jamie-Lynn Sigler
TV Show: The Sopranos, Entourage
Musical Project: Here to Heaven (2001)
Gets Points For: Giving up the dream.
Loses Points For: Not making fun of it on Entourage. You will not reach heaven until you atone for your sins.
Horrible-ometer: 4

• Jon Gosselin isn't an absentee father, you guys! No! He's doing what any good dad of eight would do, and hitting up Foxwoods Casino to try to bring eight babies home the bacon. 2:1 odds on him sucking at life like this for a while to come. [Page Six]
  
  
• Robert Pattinson, like Parker Lewis, can't lose. Or so goes the "rumor" being purported on Showbiz Spy: the guy just doesn't fuck up, and also, he keeps Kristen Stewart ridiculously happy and less crazy-brooding these days. Which is great! Until they breakup, at which point, all hell will break lose, speaking of bloodsucking. That's going to be the gossip headline for weeks, sigh, and yes: we will comply. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• And speaking of hell breaking loose: Twilight's Emo Vampire Deity Stephenie Meyer, publishing's version of a golden goose shitting out wonderful large, golden, bloodsucking teenage sexuality inspiring (or repressing) eggs, while the rest of the publishers and agents sit around being like DADDEH I WANT A GOLDEN GOOSE, is getting sued by someone claiming she stole a bunch of ideas from a novel posted online, and put them in a Twilight book. Oh noez! Maybe Meyer will sick a bunch of dreamy teenage vampires on her. Seriously. Just send Robert "The Closer" Pattinson over there to work this one out. He can't lose. [NYDN]
  
  
• R & B songstress Mya, then. R & B songstress Mya, circa 2009: going on Dancing With The Stars, wants to go to space. [Page Six]
  
  
• Here's a picture of someone holding a fan up to Jennifer Aniston's face. It is as hynotizing and pleasing as it sounds. [WWTDD]
  
  
• The Possibly Penis-Concealing Lady Gaga went blah blah again, this time, talking about how she wants to do every member of Take That! at the same time, which, she correctly counts, would be a fivesome. On that note, Robbie Williams has more talent in one testicle than Lady Gaga's most brilliant output thus far, whatever that is. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Is the not-penis-concealing Penelope Cruz preggers with the probably-penis-having Javier Bardem's child? Probably! [NYDN]
  
  
• Ugh. Roger Avery - writer-director of Killing Zoe, the Rules of Attraction film adaptation, and a credited writer on a little film called Pulp Fiction - plead guilty to manslaughter for the fatal DWI accident last January in Ojai that injured his wife and killed a friend visiting from Italy. He'll be sentenced next month. [NYDN]
  
  
• Billy Bush - yes, that one - is pushing press line of wanting another Carrie Prejean Incident to take place at the upcoming Miss Universe pageant. Billy wants to capitalize on lifelong beauty queens finally getting to speak their minds on camera and then making ridiculous noises about "opposite marriage" on live TV. He might be onto something: there could be money to be extracted from the subset of people who experience life the way one would in a Dr. Suess novel, sans whimsy. Really, I'm more the Caitlin Upton type because I personally believe that beauty queens are allowed to be entitled to things such as, maps, which are of the topographical nature, because, there are other U.S. Americans, such as the President, who have ways to tell time, and in Iraq, and Antartica, there are penguins, and they know where Panama Beach is, and we all should, too. Thank you. [NYDN]
  
  
• Hayden Panettiere is dating Hard Rock Hotel heir Harry Morton, who Lindsay Lohan once blew by a pool. Ewwww. Anyway, Page Six had to squeeze in a 'Pink Taco' reference, because that's how they roll. We will comply. [Page Six]
  
  
• What does American Idol star Adam Lambert do when someone throws a dildo at him on stage? He does what any other warm-blooded American Idol would do! He...kicks it back at the audience? Schwah? You know how sometimes you hear the term "results may vary" but you generally ignore it because as far as you're concerned the results do not ever really vary? This is one of those times when they do. [Celebrity Spy]
  
  
• Huzzah. Freaky-thumbed walking slutty Halloween costume Meagan Fox will host the season premiere of Saturday Night Live. I think they should bring back Mr. Peepers and have her play him. Just saying. [Showbiz Spy]

• She's already recently dated Jude Law and Leonardo DiCaprio, so it makes perfect sense that Cameron Diaz is now rumored to be dating Keanu Reeves. They were recently spotted looking "cozy" getting burgers..."Cameron was stuffing her burger in her mouth and playing up the fact that she has that wide mouth." Yeah. [Sun]
  
  
• Gerard Butler dumped Jennifer Aniston in the trunk of a car during filming of their sure-to-be-horrible romantic comedy. The picture accompanying this story is the stuff of metaphoric legend. [Mirror]
  
  
• Spencer Pratt says in his new book (Good God they gave him a freaking book deal?!) that his goal is to become the new Brad Pitt. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Michael Jackson's alleged gay lover says that Michael had been acting weird in the weeks leading up to his death by saying goodbye to people, as if he knew he'd be dying soon. [Mirror]
  
  
• Hayden Panettiere is now dating Harry Morton, the 28 year-old founder of the Pink Taco and one of Lindsay Lohan's many former ex-bangs. [Page Six]
  
  
• Stupid Lindsay Lohan left her stupid phone in a stupid diner in stupid Manhattan and when she went back to try to get it the stupid waitress who found it refused to give it back to her. The whole thing is just, well, stupid. [Sun]
  
  
• Barbra Streisand's lover from 1959 is selling three tapes he has of her singing back when they were together before she became a big star. Bidding starts at a million bucks. [Page Six]
  
  
• Miley Cyrus has a new boyfriend, some Australian kid named Liam Hemsworth. They were recently caught having a good ole fashioned teenage make-out session. Yawn. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Penelope Cruz is either getting fat or she's definitely been knocked up by Javier Bardem. Lucky bastard! [Daily Mail]

• Orlando Bloom, who isn't exactly Hollywood's most in-demand actor at the moment, has turned down the opportunity to reprise his role as Will Turner because he's head-over-heels in love with his girlfriend, Miranda Kerr. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Megan Fox says that playing a classmate-eating high school zombie in Diablo Cody's new flick, Jennifer's Body, was damn sexy. Megan Fox just thinks everything she does is sexy, and sadly, she's probably right. [Sun]
  
  
• Tara Reid has overcome numerous botched plastic surgeries to emerge as some sort of deformed stick figure. But hey, at least she's still getting noticed by the tabloids! [Sun]
  
  
• Susie Essman, when she's not hilariously cursing people out like she does Larry David on Curb Your Enthusiasm, dates losers. At least she used to, according to her new book. [Daily News]
  
  
• Jon Gosselin is a big spender. He paid $950 for a pair of wingtips in the Hamptons over the weekend, shoes he probably wore to kick some skank to the curb, because that's what Jon Gosselin does. [Page Six]
  
  
• Paris Hilton is claiming that Michael Jackson named his daughter Paris after her, hoping that she'd be the same type of little snow angel that Paris is whenever she grows up. [Sun]
  
  
• Hayden Panettiere was lauded by PETA recently for throwing a fit on a film set when a leaf-blower was used to clear a flock of birds from a tree. [Page Six]
  
  
• Blake Fielder-Civil, Amy Winehouse's ex-husband, says that she almost died in his arms after going on a three day binge on heroine and crack. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Here's a new and innovative way to pick up girls in clubs compliments of Adrian Grenier—line up a bunch of tequila shots on the bar and pass them out to willing females. Amazing. [Page Six]
  
  
• Sienna Miller is not happy with the look of a doll made in her likeness in conjunction with the new G.I. Joe movie. She says that the doll squints too much. [Mirror]

1. In the nerd equivalent of heaven, James Cameron and Peter Jackson attended their first Comic-Con, and did a panel together where they talk about the future of film-making and Jackson reveals that a script for The Hobbit, his Lord of the Rings prequel, will be finished in a month. [Zap2It]

2. Lost isn't known for parting with information easily, but they did have some good tidbits at their panel. Characters Juliet and Daniel Faraday will be back for the final season. Also in season six: no more time travel, the return of Charlie and Boone, the backstory for the enigmatic Richard Alpert, and some allusions to what may be alternate timelines. Damn, that shit makes our brain hurt. [EOnline]

3. Warner Bros. tried to roll out the new Patricia Heaton comedy The Middle at their Mom-A-Con. No one showed for the counter programming. Everyone said, "Mom, stop embarrasing me!" [THRFeed]

4. Hayden Panettiere is going to get some girl-on-girl action for the new season of Heroes. Yeah, cause that is what is going to fix this show. [io9]

5. Two scenes from the upcoming Twilight sequel, New Moon, were screened. Lots of girls screamed. [CelebrityCafe]

6. Iron Man 2 is going to fucking rule. Fans were excited by footage that shows Samuel L. Jackson's return as Nick Fury, Mickey Rourke playing new villain Whiplash, and a bunch of awesome special effects. Robert Downey Jr, director Jon Favreau, and new additions Scarlett Johannson (who plays sexy spy Black Widow) and Don Cheadle (replacing Terrence Howard) were all in attendance. That's either an A-List Comic-Con panel or a night at The Waverly Inn. [EW]

7. Ok, Iron Man gets two entries because the sequel is laying the foundation for Marvel's much anticipated (among comic geeks) Avengers movie (not the crappy Uma Thurmond one, this one has Captain American and shit). [EOnline]

8. We haven't seen the last of Battlestar Galactica, Edward James Olmos' career to continue. [io9]

9. You're probably not going to see Family Guy's "Abortion Episode," at least on the air, but it will probably be on DVD. What? Fox suddenly has standards? [LAT]

10. Alien invasion drama Vis back and the geeks love it. Is there anything left from the '80s for us to bring back? Alf, maybe? [THRFeed]

• Jon and Kate Gosselin: more shameless today than they were yesterday. The family got a visit from the American Chopper guys, and they gave Kate a pink Vespa. Jon got to ride on a chopper, and Kate warned him that if he went outside of a five-foot range, she'd "get him, and his pretty dog, too." Jon sadly didn't escape. The Learning Channel sadly learned about brand synergy. [D Listed]

  
  

• Microsoft billionaire Paul Allen made a shady exit ("Irish Goodbye?") from Cannes; rumors of a medical emergency were running wild. Allen's peeps say: "He just didn't feel like hanging out in Cannes. He does what he wants to do." Which may or may not involve hanging out in the comfort of his own home, sans celebrity scene at Cannes. Which is apparently "suspicious." [NYDN]

  
  

• Old people know how to use things with screens and press buttons, impressively so: Elizabeth Taylor is Twittering from her hospital bed. Shaq has yet to @ her. [NYDN]

  
  

• Paris Hilton and her squeak toy Doug Reinhardt tried to reenact that scene from Species where Natasha Henstridge bites the guy's face of in bed, except they were just grotesquely making out on a boat at Cannes, in the bathroom, and they were busted by Elton John's lover. Someone at Cannes is thinking about optioning this. [Mirror]

  
  

• Invincible Heroes star Hayden Panettiere was on a boat (mothafucka) tanning with James Blunt at Cannes. This is inexplicably annoying, isn't it? [The Star]

  
  

• Kevin Bacon got his BlackBerry jacked by a guy at the B/D/E station on 53rd and 7th. Bacon pursued him on a foot chase, but didn't catch the thief. No word on the inevitable question of how many degrees from Kevin Bacon he was (or official ruling on how many he now is). [A hysterically readable New York Post filing].

  
  

• Josh Duhamal plays a huge part in today's Big News Story We Won't Be Reporting, the Indy 500. He's driving the pace car, which is the car all the drivers aim for. We were going to ask Deadspin editor AJ Daulerio for a quote on this; Dulario responded: "I'm cooped up in a weird hotel in Indianapolis waiting for the little cars to start." Ooookay. [MSNBC]

  
  

• Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon aren't broke. We know this because they're "celebrating Memorial Day" (?) making press appearances at what's being billed as the most expensive hotel in the world, in Turkey. [NYP. Also, related.]

  
  

• Evolutionary scientist Perez Hilton tries to assert the missing link between Rihanna and a cockatoo. [P*r*z H*lt*n]

  
  

• Jean Claude Van Damme manages to gets all freaknasty with some women in Cannes. F. Scott Fitzgerald once asserted that there were no second acts in American lives. His specificity was astute. [DListed]

• Spencer Pratt, rapping under the name "The Great White" and desperately trying to find some sort of relevance in the real world, has released his first rap song titled "I'm a Celebrity" on iTunes. Yeah. [US Weekly]
  
  
• Britney Spears is running around the Bahamas in a two piece looking all semi-hot and shit! [TMZ]
  
  
• Hayden Panettiere got a tattoo running straight down the side of her torso and the tattoo artist who did the job misspelled one of the words in the phrase. [Perez]
  
  
• An American Idol fan walked up to Terri Seymour, Simon Cowell's ex-girlfriend, outside of the Idol studios and asked if she was still seeing him. Then the freak tried to strangle her and now Simon has hired a bunch of ex-Army commandos to protect him from these sort of idiots. [Sun]
  
  
• For the third time in three months, Amy Winehouse has been hospitalized for being a complete fucking trainwreck. [Mirror]
  
  
• Hey remember Chad Lowe, brother of Rob and ex-husband to Hillary Swank? He's just became a father with his new girlfriend! [EOnline]
  
  
• What the hell are 50 Cent and Bette Midler doing arm in arm at a garden party? Is he gay or something?! [Mirror]
  
  
• Hey look it's our little emo buddy Pete Wentz hanging out with Rihanna, but please don't tell him we said anything about this or he might start crying like a little bitch again. [Just Jared]
  
  
• Kate Gosselin fired forty, fucking FORTY, aides in a span of three months. [US Weekly]
  
  
• Britney Spears' former bodyguard says that her negligence led to him suffering a devastating injury while on the job. We can't even begin to imagine what she did to him. [Daily News]

So enough already, Hollywood! After the jump, find eight dos and don'ts to keep in mind when striving for the perfect celebrity PSA. You have four years to practice — on your mark, get set, go.

1. DO let Jonah Hill host more PSA's on his own. As much as we appreciate the condescending, autoerotic flavor of Di Caprio, Dustin Hoffman, Natalie Portman, Demi Moore and a cast of elite thousands, this Declare Yourself ad proved that all it takes is an actual sense of humor about drugs, abortion and the economy to stir potential interest in the issues.

2. DON'T leave the Latino vote to Carlos Mencia, Cheech Marin and co. At least with Cheech around, however, Mencia can't steal Jonah Hill's jokes.

3. DO emphasize Justin Timberlake if you have a choice between him and Jessica Biel. He's just funnier, a better singer and there's always an outside chance of him "accidentally" pulling off someone's clothing.

4. DON'T give Hayden Panettiere her own spot. Especially not on Funny or Die, where she's neither funny nor dies nor so much as dings the McCain campaign she attempts to swear off — literally.

5. DO give Hayden Panettiere a spot with Jessica Alba. The "Muzzler" commercials are by far the most effective portion of Declare Yourself's multi-phase campaign to register young voters. Which is to say: We're sure the light bondage practiced on nubile, destabilizingly earnest starlets also compelled older men in the electorate to register their own "young voters" all over their keyboards. Remember, guys — you can only register once! No cheating!

6. DON'T let Anne Hathaway dance. Or anyone else for that matter. Perhaps the worst PSA of the season, this Creative Coalition spot is about as fresh as the bumper-sticker rack at a Wasilla scripture house.

7. DO pit Jews against each other. The Jewish Council for Education and Research brought on Sarah Silverman as the spokesperson for its "Great Schlep" — a late spring break of sorts encouraging young Jews to head off to Florida and convince their Nanas that Barack Hussein Obama is not the anti-Israel terrorist the GOP has allegedly made him out to be. Jackie Mason soon fired back on behalf of the Republican Jewish Coalition, smearing Silverman as a "sick yenta" over a saucy klezmer soundtrack. We hate to see such striking discord under the circumstances, but it's either this, or it's Roseanne Barr vs. Jon Voight. Which isn't a choice at all.

8. DON'T rope Blake Lively and Penn Badgley into a PSA together and not insist they make out for the Obama cause. Especially if we have to sit through the whole pasty cast of Fame: The Remake or Emo High or whatever the fuck just to get to Lively's sign-off.

Of course, this being the United States of Defamer, your own suggestion are more than welcome below. Let freedom ring — or at least be less painful to watch on a quadrennial basis.

The clip, after the jump:

• Declare Yourself: The Muzzler [YouTube]

Boomp3.com

Heroes star Hayden Panettiere must’ve wished that she cold use her super powers to make a parking ticket disappear over the weekend. Panettiere assumed that the parking enforcement officer must’ve been stalking her, because Panettiere could've swore that she had a couple of minutes left on the meter. Panettiere then wondered if she would be able to cover the cost of the ticket. Inch by inch, Panettiere removed the ticket from the envelope and was stunned to discover a thirty-five dollar fine. Panettiere said, “Looks like I have to sell some stuff on Craigslist to cover the cost of this one.”

[Photo Credit: X17]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

He has no idea what is going on in my life because i have chosen not to involve him in it- His recent attack on my life and my loved ones is simply for an ADDICTION THAT HE HAS- FAME. Why he feels the need to comment on anything in my life that i may want to keep private, is beyond comprehension- If he really cared about me and my life, then he would learn to respect my wishes by staying out of it...

I'm not going to engage any further, though i probably could go on...

I have said enough, i have a therapist, and it is not the the camera man at x17.

Wait, who is this woman and what has she done with Lindsay Lohan? Has the sometime-actress really gained such a clear perspective on fame and her own relationship to it? Perhaps she's settling down after all — in which case, she'll take no schadenfreude in the fact that Hilary Duff's father was just thrown in jail for refusing to pay his half of Hilary's upcoming 21st birthday. Says People:

As deputies handcuffed her ex, Susan Duff gasped and, according to a report in the Houston Chronicle, said, "This isn't what I wanted."

What did she want? The star's mom was demanding $25,000 to fund a party and gift for Hilary's 21st birthday on Sept. 28.

"I know he's a millionaire, and he's got the funds," Susan testified earlier. She added that Hilary was "emotionally upset by the abandonment of her father." (Ultimately the judge ruled that Bob had to hand over $12,500 for the bash.)

Couple these developments with the recent abuse arrest of Hayden Panettiere's father, then add a dash of general unseemliness from Jessica Simpson's manager/father Joe, and you may wonder: is there any young starlet in Hollywood who actually has a dad she can depend on? To the new guard of Demi, Selena, and the rest, we issue this stern warning: if your fathers are currently shopping at Kitson and getting age-inappropriate dye jobs at Warren Tricomi, you'd best nip it in the bud right away. Your 21st birthday might seem like a great time to emancipate yourself, but that sort of celebrity dad will never emancipate himself from your purse strings.

[Photo Credit: AP]

• Lindsay Lohan Slams Dad for Dissing Sam Ronson [Us]
• Hilary Duff's Dad Jailed for 10 Days [People]

How do you try and revive a career that only you want revived? Well, in Hollywood this year you can either get pregnant, or do what this C list film/B list television actress that I love to hate is going to do. Become a lesbian. Yes, you heard it here first. This actress is going to loudly dump her boyfriend and start dating a woman simply for the publicity...Instead of paying someone to be a beard for you, this actress is going to take some of her fast dwindling cash and pay someone to be her lesbian lover.

Rampant speculation, after the jump:

Out first guess was Mischa Barton, though it must be said that the same-sex angle didn't work out so well for her character on The O.C. Then our thoughts drifted to Heroes star Hayden Panettiere, but her girl-crush on Angelina Jolie is a little predictable for a starlet who's truly hoping to make sapphic waves. Could it be, then, that Gossip Girl's Blake Lively has been sharing her traveling pants with someone the same size? It's possible, but we'll throw our weight behind dark horse guess Kendra Wilkinson of The Girls Next Door. What better way to avoid typecasting as a boy-crazy bimbo than to ditch the Hef for someone more substantial...you know, like Tila Tequila!

• Today's Blind Items [Crazy Days and Nights]

In the span of two days, Nylon magazine released photos from their August cover star missing various amounts of clothing, while Candies-ad girl Hayden just posed for some provocative (for an 18-year old, at least) pics in order to promote her upcoming pop album. Yes, that sweet sweaty smell of exploitation filling your nostrils? Once again, thank Lindsay Lohan. A closer look at all four naughty girls and their dirty pictures, after the jump:

Though the Nylon spread is admittedly gorgeous, the uncanny resemblance between these topless shots and Lindsay's myriad "artful" topless, backless, panty-less photos is pretty clear. Even Gwyneth caught on to the secret backbone-baring method towards stardom back in her call girl days.

And as for Hayden, who's already learned what a little cheerleader's uniform can do for her growing group of male fans, decides to go one step further and just pull a Miley by showing her tummy off to all interested parties. Counting down the seconds until either a bare back or, more likely, the highly effective full-frontal appears in a glossy. And yes, it's probably a matter of seconds.

[Photo credits: Nylon, Daily Mail]

• OOH LA LA! MISCHA EXPOSED [Nylonmag.com]
• HEROES STAR HAYDEN PANETTIERE VAMPS UP TO LAUNCH HER POP CAREER [Daily Mail]

boomp3.com



While out shopping with her mother, Heroes star Hayden Panettiere was greeted by a panhandler in Beverly Hills. The panhandler wanted Panettiere to speak to the writers and producers on Heroes about creating a part for her on the next season of the show. The panhandler thought she would bring a gritty realism that the show had been lacking in its first two seasons and suggested that her character should have metal claws coming out of her hands like Wolverine. Panettiere told the woman that it sounded like a good idea, but she didn't have any control of the creation of the characters. She then added that if she bugs the producers one too many times, they may write her out and then they would be in the same position together.

[Photo Credit: Splash Pics]

The overall slant of this writing is moderately to the left, an indication of a person who is somewhat introverted. Unless the writer knows you fairly well, you won't get close. It appears that there is little stress shown in the writing, and it's likely that even if somebody gets too close too fast, the writer will fend off and not erupt.

Letters are rounded, the sign of a methodical thinker who likes to take time and does not like to be rushed. No fast deadlines for this writer or she will tend to get scattered in her pursuits.

Writer's goals are alternately high enough to stretch for and low enough to pick off the ground. There are signs of initiative (takes action without prompting by others).

Thinking can be accelerated somewhat by the writer's intuition (indicated by spaces between letters). This writer has learned to skip over many of the logical building blocks of thought and reach, almost mysteriously, a conclusion that turns out to work. The writer has come to trust this gut thinking. Nonetheless, if this writer starts thinking too fast, a lot of confusion results (intertwined lines) that slows everything down again. Better for this writer to be the turtle than pretend to be the hare.

There are buds of an imagination, but no apparent follow through.

Good attention to small details. The writer's usual approach to things is frank and very direct.

The writer probably works well (or could) with her hands, perhaps in the mechanical realms such as carpentry, pottery, glass blowing..

Lines and letters are pressed close together and the e formations are constricted, all indications of a mind with many preconceptions that clog up the arteries to new ideas.

There are also indications of a person who usually tells the truth (as most of us may see it) and is steadfast and loyal to people and institutions she believes in.

Earlier: Heroes' Hayden Panettiere Is An American Everywoman
Cosmo Girl Rihanna: "Solitary & Self-Involved"
Decoding Cosmo Cover Girl Katie Heigl: "She Refuses To Waste Time With Convoluted Crap"
Cosmo Girl Hilary Duff: Intuitive, Practical And Younger Than She Looks
Cosmo Girl Beyonce Knowles: Detail-Oriented, Thoughtful, Possibly Power-Hungry
'Cosmo' Cover Girl Ali Larter: Self-Involved, Stubborn, Easily Distracted

Related: Sheila Kurtz [Graphology Consulting]

• Singer Britney Spears reunited with desperate paparazzo Adnan Ghalib, who she had ditched after finding incriminating text chats with another girl on his iPhone. Just prior to taking Ghalib back, Spears was photographed bumping her head, hard. Post hoc ergo propter hoc, as Spears surely likes to say.
• Spears faces two separate court-ordered shrink sessions in May to determine her level of crazy. In the meantime she gets an allowance of $1,500 per week, all she has to do is "a small legitimate project" that consists of showing up for a cameo on the TV show How I Met Your Mother.
• Singer Courtney Love offered more advice to Spears, this time in the form of the world's least credible therapist referral.
• When she wasn't giving advice, Love was filing a complaint with the police alleging that $69 million was embezzled from her through the theft of dead husband Kurt Cobain's social security number. The Nirvana frontman's good name was used to buy a New Jersey mansion just last year, Love said, and to open a bunch of credit cards. She's not sure the cops are taking her seriously but talked about it on YouTube so judge for yourself.
• McNulty from the Wire, aka actor Dominic West, went to a Russian-owned New York strip club and got a "special lap dance" from one girl while another "nibbled at his ear." Which, as it turns out, is fairly close to a scene from an episode the Wire, but presumably without the cops busting in at the end. [P6]
• After somehow managing to flag and obtain a taxi, Amy Winehouse arrived home to discover she didn't have enough to pay the cabbie, so a selfless paparazzo who had been stalking her stepped in to pay the difference. Awww. [P6]
• Actress Angelina Jolie's lovely baby hump is bigger than ever, probably because it has been feeding on Jennifer Aniston's pain. [P6]
• Former KISS bassist and notorious sex tape star Gene Simmons bawled "his eyes out" when his daughter walked on a catwalk for a modeling gig, then he shaved his head. No amount of salt water or shaving can ever make him clean, of course.
• A VH1 comedian tried to make a joke about a passenger revolt while he was at the airport, and madcap fascism ensued, since air travel must continue to suck for the rest of our lives, or freedom will die. [P6]
• Heroes star Hayden Panettiere... something about underage drinking... I'm sorry was I saying something? Her picture distracted me, a little. [P6]
• The lesbian daughter of the guy who used to run Yahoo, Terry Semel, is totally dragging Lindsay Lohan down. [P6]

Seventeen

Appearance: Hayden's makeup is fresh, light, and appropriate for impressionable young kiddies: Light pink lips, just a hint of color on the cheeks. There is no visible cleavage, and, for the most part, her hair covers up her bare arms and armpits. Cover Lines: Talk about chaste! There's "cute" jewelry, "pretty" hair secrets and no mention of sex, save for "sexy [hair] cuts" and "The Kissing Disease No One Wants To Talk About!". And as for clothes, there's both a "free" tank top and hot celeb trends ("Under $20"). Cover Profile: Hayden expresses her love for Angelina Jolie, BFF Hilary Duff, explains her breakup with Laguna Beach's Stephen Colletti, talks about her love of shoes and gives advice on breakups. (Males, by the way, are referred to on the cover as "guys".)

Seventeen Prom

Appearance: Hayden shows more skin than on the magazine's namesake, including cleavage. Plus, there's a bit of cleavage, the Cosmo standard hand-on-hip, and a princess-y tiara set into her crispier-looking hair. Cover Lines: Not a lot of "sexy", but plenty of "amazing" "perfect" "pretty" and "best", as well as the chance to win a "free dress". As for guys, there is no mention of boys whatsoever, although their presence is implicit ("Sexy Shoes", "Your Best Prom Body (In Just Two Moves)"). Cover Profile: Written by the same author as the Seventeen profile, this story presents Hayden as just another prom-crazy secondary-schooler, explaining that her "biggest big night" was her prom, that she worries about who she should take to events as her date (um, we can think of one!), that her perfect prom date would be a "best girlfriend", and her own prom disaster story (a strap on her dress broke).

Cosmopolitan

Appearance: Standing before a va-va-va-voom red background, Hayden is shown with a lot more skin: visible cleavage, thigh and armpit. Lip and cheek colors are darker (does her slightly-larger parting of the lips indicate that she's been practicing the magazine's "Little Mouth Moves That Make Sex Hotter"?) Cover Lines: Where to start? This is definitely the slut's style guide. There's the aforementioned "Mouth Moves" — Question: Do "Mouth Moves" lend themselves to "Kissing Disease"? — the highly touted "Be A Sex Genius!", and all sorts of other suggestive words and phrases. Males are referred to as "men" as well as "guys", and there's no free tank tops here; readers can enter to win $10,000 and become "A Rich Bitch!". Cover Profile: Hayden, say Cosmo editors, is a "good bad girl" who wears sexy thigh-high boots to her interview, admits to drinking alcohol, and explains that every girl "likes feeling hot and sexy and beautiful and hearing it", does not want to be called "cute", and is "not as sweet as I look." Her heroines? Angelina, Natalie Portman and Meryl Streep. Also: There's no dishing on guys (like any seasoned, "serious", adult actress, she refuses talk about her personal life).

*Apparently, Seventeen and Cosmo have been trading female celebrity cover subjects for some time: Hayden, Rihanna, Ashlee Simpson, Carrie Underwood, Hilary Duff, Beyonce. What tends to be happen is that a starlet appears on Seventeen first, then on Cosmo a few months afterwards. How quickly these young ladies go from Swarovski-encrusted Sidekicks to Rabbit Habits!