But while the End of the World metaphor may seem a garden path festooned with posies and daffodils, a few yards down and the trail suddenly becomes a headline writer's inferno, a fiery pit of inexact analogy from which no media employee can hope to emerge unsinged.

The problem is that an apocalypse metaphor suggests something terrible has happened, while 2012's $225 million worldwide grosses suggest something incredible has happened. (Actually, of course, if you are a fan of actual living entertainment, the apocalypse is a very apt metaphor for 2012's success, but that's not the tale box-office round-up headline writers have to tell.)

So across the nation this weekend, our brave headline corps searched for the right way to draw on the end of the world metaphor to explain that 2012 did really well.

Variety walked right into the trap with "2012 destroys worldwide box office." 2012 destroyed world box office in the sense of it put a lot of money in them, and although "destroy" may be contemporary lingo for "won at" even that usage suggests an opposition as though it were 2012 vs. the box office...which takes you down a whole other rabbit hole. The Huffington Post followed Variety off this cliff (or perhaps it was the other way around) reaching for the box-office destroying imagery.

Both the Hollywood Reporter and the LA Times tried to come at the problem sideways by going with variations on "2012 explodes at boxoffice." This variation however, while more on the nose in terms of what the films grosses did, attempts to sidestep the apocalypse metaphor, not getting at all at the fact that the film is not just about someone placing a sparkler in a mailbox, but about the whole world collapsing, and if you want to get technical about it, the world doesn't actually explode in the film it more..crumbles.

Taking a second stab at it, in a second box office story, however, the LA Times proved the power of the do-over and pretty much managed to get both the metaphor and the enormity pretty much on the nose with: 2012 spells doom for its competition at the box office."

The Associated Press got the epic scale right but in doing so really walked away from the entire end of the world theme and got pretty clunky in the process coming up with: 2012 has worldwide box-office bang of $225M.

The Wrap played with the theme while avoiding the metaphor with "Master of Disaster: $225M Worldwide for 2012."

The New York Times showed either wisdom or incredible cowardice and walked away from the metaphor entirely, hitting us instead with the heart-stopping lush imagery of "2012 Opening Earns $65 Million." And we can't imagine the Wall Street Journal's headline is an example of the sort of gumption Rupert Murdoch was hoping to inject into the place when he bought it up: "Disaster Film 2012 Opens Atop Box Office."

Our congratulations go out to all those who made the effort to work with this slippery analogy. To use another one, in headline writing as in life, as in football or baseball, sort of but not exactly, you only lose by not playing.

Via Mark Lisanti and FilmDrunk, if you guessed "terrorists," than you guessed right. Also, you're boring.

Couldn't they have saved this one for someone better? I mean, yes, listen, people who kill other people are shitty and suck, but this is just great, like, artful-great. Like, okay, if NYDN publisher Mort Zuckerman were on his deathbed, this would've been awesome. If their Boris and Natahsa-esque gossip columnist Rush & Molloy were put on trial for being communists, again: incredible. But to waste this one on terrorists just seems a little, I don't know, blase?

Anyway. We can't help but see potential in you, Post. To whoever guessed correctly, take a bow, you get nothing except the knowledge that you're an expert of New York Post headlines and/or you still have a job at the New York Post. Mazel.

Brazilian newspaper O Globo: What is it even talking about? The paper says "It's war!" because the New Yorker published an article this week about Rio's hellacious favela violence—right when the city's trying to get the Olympics. Conspiracy, clearly! Hey O Globo, the whole "It's war!" thing is what they were talking about. Duh.


We missed this yesterday: Mediabistro millionairess Laurel Touby's exit interview. "Exit" meaning, "She's taking a grand worldwide vacation for a few months, whatever, she's already rich." Laurel sez, "People are constantly asking me for personal advice or one-on-one help, and I've thought for a long time that if I just write it in a book it will be very helpful for entrepreneurs." Just don't take advice about email from her.


Yesterday was the NYT's annual "State of the Times" thing where the big execs stand up and tell the staff what the hell's going on and answer some questions. We hear it was boring. No final decisions yet on how the paper will go forward with its inevitable paid online content move. But Pinch Sulzberger did, allegedly, get off one funny line. Yea, video or it didn't happen.



Rachel Sklar is all mad because stupid Capitol File magazine headlined a story about Diane Sawyer, "Woman on Top."
Women. Geez.

One furious blogger promised to yank her contributions to the user-review site, adding:

I'm not willing to contribute to padding the wallets of anyone who thinks nothing of pairing innuendo with sexual assault.

Yelp promptly apologized, and tried to recall the newsletter and replace it with a tamer one. But it couldn't keep the fuss from spreading to Twitter and various weblogs (including TechCrunch).

For all the fist-shaking, the ad is basically some silly humor put in a terribly inappropriate — and, we're guessing, unintended — context. If some critics are ascribing the crudest of intentions to the site, well, perhaps that's the price it must pay for throwing such notorious parties.

"YOUNG BUC'S NEW RAPS."

Take a moment to appreciate the double entendres-squared at work here. Abduwali's young. He's a buccaneer. Young Buc is a rapper. A rap is also a criminal charge. It's a complete circle of subtext in four short—but meaningful—words.

A worthy follow-up to the last story about Abduwali crying, which used the now-classic term "PRIVA-TEARS." Now if only Andrea Peyser could just find some way to get Andrea Peyser to break into Abduwali's cell and scream at him about how he'll never see his mother again, and then laugh maniacally, and then write about it, leaving out the maniacal laughing, the Post would totally win this BUC WILD story.

After Vermont senator Jeffords switched from the Republican Party to independent, the New York Post infamously called him "Benedict Jeffords" on the front page, complete with illustration.

This year, the tabloid's DC bureau chief compared Specter to Benedict Arnold in his column, but the headline didn't make the front page. Nor did the headline on the main Specter news story, which heralded the senator a "Specter of Doom.

"Conservative tabloid?" Eh, maybe, but still: In. The. Tank.

"SOMALI PIRATE IN PRIVA-TEARS." Yes! That is a once-in-a-lifetime pirate pun there, people! How many Post readers even know what "privateer" means? Well I guess now they can Edward 'Blackbeard' Teach themselves some vocabulary, amirite? Eh?

Let's be serious: they brought Muse in court and decided that he is 18 so they can try him as an adult, and he cried and wept and said "I don't have any money." Clearly, a terrorist. Angry lady Andrea Peyser is now covering his trial, which should make for some awesome examples of human empathy in action. Starting today!

He looked more like an urchin seeking adoption by Madonna than a swashbuckling Somali pirate [Ed. note: He's a black African, see?]...sobbing and sniffling like a little girl...he swatted at his dribbling nose, like a child facing punishment...he cried and cried...
Muse, so recently jolly, looked miserable and confused, though I don't know why. He faces up to life in prison if convicted. If he does, he'll achieve his dream.
He told his captors he always wanted to go to the United States.

Andrea's doing okay so far on the raw hatred of humanity, but just wait until the barely-contained sexual subtext bursts forth. That's when the real fun starts.

Because he didn't read the actual story before linking, Drudge (or Breitbart!) missed the most important part: "Researchers have found its venom also stimulates an hours-long erection in men." See, Matt, that would've made an ever better headline than your weird knee-jerk anti-hippie "organic is stupid" first response.

We know how it is working weekends, Rob Fitzpatrick, no worries.

City Room wistfully reports that young NYU grad Ben Muessig is one of the last things keeping Brooklyn crime reporting alive. Look at some of the Brooklyn Paper's "wiseguy headlines," as they put their snarky spin on crime!

All sorts of crime in the Slope

They mugged a kid!

Another teen mugged

Whoa, slow down! No disrespect to Muessig, who, judging by his bylines, writes about 2/3 of the content in Brooklyn Paper all by himself. But could this job be done with a little more pizazz? Let's see!

Mr. Muessig then saw a report of an armed robbery of men "selling food out of a van," who said they were relieved of $500 in currency and jewelry.

"This could be the famous taco truck at McCarren Park, which would really be big for us," he said.

Macho Nacho Taco Rocko Blocko Socko!

There was a shooting in a Hasidic area of Williamsburg, which surprised Mr. Muessig.

Shoo, Jew! Whammo Slammo Blammo Gun Fun Blazing Burg Battle Rattle! Acidic Hasidic Licks Shots At Critic!

Then there was an item in which a woman left the Lazy Catfish bar at 2 a.m. on Feb. 10 and took two other women back to her apartment, but she fell asleep and woke up later with with some belongings missing...
The two women - "Both females had their tongues pierced," the report notes - took the sleepy woman's guitar, debit card and some cash.

Hot Lezzie Roofie Molest: Tongue-y Lesbos Lick Lazy Lolita!

Then again, the Brooklyn Paper is already covering the important stories as well as it can:

What is "the Swedish Model"? That's temporary nationalization of failed banks. See, you seize control of them, clean up the balance sheets, and auction them off. In other words, it's socialism. It's also really the only remaining option, as the current "throw money at them and watch them hoard it because they don't want to reveal that they're insolvent" model just created some zombie banks, like in Japan, and we'd much rather become Sweden than Japan. (Though the food is better in Japan, of course.)

It's a terrifying prospect, this "Swedish model," or at least Mr. Drudge certainly hopes it sounds scary, to claim our great empire will become a lowly Scandinavian constitutional monarchy, ranked number one on The Economist's Democracy Index. Well, either he's hoping to scare us with the prospect of boring Nordic democratic socialism or he's just using the term "Swedish model" to further the old Republican talking point that all the bailout money is going to porn.

What Drudge neglects to mention in his scary headline: Alan Greenspan also moved toward Sweden's sexy, sexy model.

All hail King Gustav! God natt, American Dream!