"Snooki's Getting Married" is the headline in In Touch Weekly, the tabloid you buy when the supermarket is out of People, Us Weekly, Star, National Enquirer, and even OK!. Except there is absolutely no truth to it.

Santorum, as followers of politics know, is the Bible-thumping Republican underdog who tied Mitt Romney at last night's Iowa Caucus. Santorum is also, as users of Google and followers of Dan Savage know, a neologism for "the frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the by-product of anal sex."

Imagine waking up in D.C. this morning and having to muddle your way to the Metro (it's what they call the subway) and go to your government job. Yeah, that totally sucks. Then when you get to the subway you grab a free copy of The Examiner, the Capitol's free commuter newspaper, and it has this headline. Your day…

In your mordant Monday media column: NotW readers disappear, newspapers must advertise, Keith Gessen's pale jail tale, the Tribune Co. screws more shareholders, in-house news, and your headline fuckup of the day.

The Drudge Report linked the above headline to this Washington Post article on Catholic conservative Bob Turner's victory tonight over Democrat Dave Weprin in the race for Anthony Weinergate's old (and hopefully shampooed) Congressional throne. Looks like "angry blacks" have company!

The Washington Post, America's leading journal of proctology, published this interesting scoop about Libya's deposed dictator in Wednesdays' edition. Ha ha. "Taint." [Rstevens via BoingBoing]

Those folks at the New York Post—love em or hate em, they sure know how to write a snappy headline! "Too many damn ho's." Is it a double-entendre on someone's name? Is it a play off of a direct quote in the story? Nope. It's just a straight up headline about how there are "Too many damn ho's" out there. Haha. And how!

In your frigid Friday media column: rumored troubles at the NY Press, Jose Antonio Vargas can't drive, a headline legend retires, Demand Media acts just as you'd expect them to, and Conde Nast will brag about its digital sales.

Today in inadvertently funny headlines, there's this high school basketball piece from Kansas's Leader & Times. Sadly, the article does not tell the tale of a hard-luck working girl overcoming the odds to issue her traditional mating sound. (via)

Either the New Orleans Times-Picayune forgot to replace the dummy text in this headline for their sports section, or they are taking some really commendable editorial risks in their descriptions of playoff games. [via Reddit]

Sleepy August news is always dumber than usual. Still, before September, we need to resolve the question of Barack Obama's religion. Is he super-Muslim? The tabloid's more enthusiastic case in this photo proves it: Yes, he is. Next question? [via]

It's not Friday yet, but I'm pretty sure this is the most startling headline of the week: "Nigerian man arrested with bags carrying 70 dead babies." Apparently a hospital in Lagos, Nigeria was dodging burial fees. [BBC, image via]

In your familial Monday media column: Theo Wenner gets himself a magazine job, headlines that sell, the most powerful woman in newspapers, teevee people speak to college kids about teevee things, and newspapers muddle about.

Everyone whispers that O editor-at-large Gayle King is Oprah Winfrey's secret lesbian lover. This headline inverts King's comment about how much she enjoys spending time alone in her literal closet. Cute wordplay, but do not get on Oprah's bad side.

There are indeed two sides to "the Confederacy debate"—the side that committed treason in order to protect the institution of slavery, and the side of America. Next on CNN: Pearl Harbor—did we have it coming?