Are you now or have you ever been a smoker of the dreaded “tobacky?” Perhaps you gave up the habit long ago, for your health? No matter—you are doomed.

When people think of someone with an “addictive personality,” the image typically isn’t a pretty one. “When is an addict lying?” goes a joke told by addiction counselors: the snide answer is “when his lips are moving.” Media portrayals of addiction tend to depict people with addictions as “fiends” or “demons” whose…

Vegetables are good for you and some of them are quite tasty as well. You’ll know which vegetables are best—as soon you read the rankings that are waiting for you below.

A study finds that people who have “recurrent bouts of extreme, impulsive anger” are more than twice as likely to carry a parasite that is transmitted through the feces of infected cats. Eating cat butt make you mad.

High class? Low class? No class. NO FITNESS CLASS. NEVER.

Vermont senator and presidential candidate Bernie Sanders is in “very good health,” according to a letter from the attending U.S. Senate physician. But there’s one fact in Sanders’ health history that belies his image as a maverick populist unbeholden to monied interests: Sanders has been treated for gout.

According to reports, a private clinical drug trial in France went terribly wrong last night, landing at least six of its subjects in the hospital, with one patient confirmed brain dead.

Donald Trump, a man whose garbage output is matched only by his diet of garbage, just released a doctor’s note saying what fine shape he’s in, using the sort of language usually associated with a racehorse or fighting dog.

A good diet is one that drains you both physically and spiritually.

At last, there’s good news for those of us who live life in a series of coffee-breaks punctuated by periods of anxiety-filled withdrawal.

The World Health Organization has given vegetarians all of the ammo we need to win every argument from now on about nasty meat—which gives you cancer.

The University of North Carolina’s N.C. Children’s Specialty Clinic will now be known as the Krispy Kreme Challenge Children’s Specialty Clinic, named after a tasty treat that’s filled with fat and sugar and will make you obese and die.

The presidential campaign of timid celebrity child Jeb Bush has released an official physician’s letter stating that Jeb is in “excellent” physical condition. Excellent, Jebediah? Big talker.

Women: a liability to the smooth functioning of the patriarchal labor system? I didn’t say it—science did.

The person who sits next to you and fidgets all day—annoying, right? Well, guess what: you’re going to die long before them. You’ll be dead, dead, dead, your children in tears. They’ll still be alive.

You look at yourself and see a strong, vibrant member of a community of like-minded individuals. I look at you and I see a sweaty, desperate fascist in training. Three supportive cheers from the Fitness Team for your personal record today—fascist!

Texas agriculture commissioner Sid Miller has lifted a state ban on deep fryers and soda machines in schools, saying “We want families, teachers and school districts to know the Texas Department of Agriculture supports their decisions and efforts to teach Texas students about making healthy choices.” Hick.

“Men and women who eat at least 10 grams of nuts or peanuts per day have a lower risk of dying from several major causes of death than people who don’t consume nuts or peanuts... but peanut butter is not associated with lower mortality.” The agony and the ecstasy of living the nut life.

Peak startup:

Healthy eats! Echo ears! Thunder pictures! Alien sounds! Head-volution! Space geysers! Spider silk! And statistics that some might call stunning! It’s your Friday Science Watch, where we watch science—with X-Ray Vision!