Suddenly the Universe is a very cold and empty place.

• Apparently we are not a nation of people waiting for Amanda Woodward to return to Melrose Place. Heather Locklear's trip back to the series did little to ease its struggles, lifting its gruesome ratings by a mere 15 percent to a 0.8 rating in the 18 - 45 demo. [Hollywood Reporter]

• Meanwhile, just as the world was sending its mocking obituaries to the printers, guess who's having a good week? Jay Leno is up five percent this week, "matching its highest ratings in six weeks." [Hollywood Reporter]

• With two and a half months to go, the Super Bowl's ad space is almost sold out. CBS reports a 90 percent sell-out rate thus far, meaning only six slots are still available. Like everything else these days, Super Bowl ad sales are being viewed as a barometer of the nation's economic health. [Ad Age]

• A Writers Guild report of diversity among its ranks finds "little if any improvement" for the prospects of women and minority writers. Variety writes that the report "found that women scribes remain stuck at 28% of TV employment and 18% in features while the minority share has been frozen at 6% since 1999." [Variety]

• Jennifer Hudson will play Winnie Mandela, the ex-wife of the ex-South African President Nelson Mandela in Winnie, a biopic to be directed by Darrell J. Roodt, maker of Cry the Beloved Country. [Variety]

• Roger Ebert may be off the airwaves, but his influence lives on, remarkably, as the online buzz king. A survey by Nielsen of which critics dominate the internet reveals that Ebert remains a goliath online, crushing all the competition combined. [thehotblog]

• Making 2012's grosses look like the change fallen under the cushions of your sofa, the video game Call of Duty : Modern Warfare 2 reported sales of more than $550 million in the first week of its release. The LA Times puts production costs on the game in the $40 - $50 million range (a fraction of 2012 or Avatar), putting its total budget including marketing somewhere around $200 million. Who's in the wrong business now, movie people? [LA Times]

• Lovely Bones director Peter Jackson told a reporter that, despite his PG-13 rating he had upped the violence in his upcoming film after early test screening audiences "were simply not satisfied" with the depiction of a character's death. [Hitfix]

• Nikki Finke reports that investor Carl Icahn has been snatching up MGM bonds like "A bat out of hell." [Deadline]

• The LA Times reports further on Disney's heroic decision to pull the plug on McG's attempt to America's memories of 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea with his remake. The paper writes that execs saw the project, scripted by novelist Michael Chabon as "too dark" and that they will take another stab at it somewhere down the line. [LA Times]

• Shauna Sand, the scariest face in adult entertainment, penned an impassioned missive to Carrie Prejean describing her own odyssey from unwitting sex tape participant to Vivid-Celeb star: "Instead of spending thousands of dollars in legal fees... I could actually turn things around." Like Carrie, Shauna "not only starred in, but also directed and added the music to" her sex tape. I'm pretty sure Vivid chair Steve Hirsch forced Shauna to do this. Alternately, it finally dawned on Shauna that she might get a late-breaking burst of attention. [TMZ]
• 
  
• Unfortunately for Shauna and Vivid, Carrie is sick and tired of this game. No means no, you meanie heathens. Prejean's lawyer sent a letter to Vivid charging that "your company has apparently told the media that it plans to publish the videotapes and/or photographs of my client with or without her permission." Which, to be fair, is a pretty ominous thing to have hanging over your head. [TMZ]
• 
  
• 50 Cent had his arm tattoos removed. "I've been on a few acting projects and they been making me get up... My call time is four hours before the regular acting talent because of the tattoos." Now that he's starring opposite Nicolas Cage in a boxing flick, the early morning annoyance to insane laser removal pain ratio has finally reached its tipping point. [ShowBizSpy]
• 
  
• Bijou Phillips' incest-y movie is totally embarrassing now that Mackenzie's incest book is out. Bijou is freaked out about the Dec. 1 premiere of Made for Each Other, where she will have sex scenes with Chris Masterson, who is the brother of her real-life husband Danny, who is also in the movie. OK, Mackenzie's bombshell obviously makes this a lot worse, but I'd venture to say it was kind of icky before that, too. [P6]
• 
  
• "Battle of Anchors at ABC"! Charlie Gibson hates Diane Sawyer and is begging for George Stephanopoulos to be his successor on Sunday morning's This Week ABC Evening News, mostly to infuriate the guys who type in the names that go on the bottom of the screen. [P6]
• 
  
• J.Lo's ex—the one trying to sell her sex tapes—says Jenny from the Block is stalking him. Says his business manager: "She's having him followed." Says his lawyer: "He's had death threats." Now, shadowy detectives I was willing to believe, but once they threw death threats in, I knew it was a lie. J.Lo is many things, but she is not sloppy. [P6]
• 
  
• Alleged Cindy Crawford blackmailer surrenders! Edis Kayalar, the male model accused of demanding $100,000 in exchange for "sexy" S&M photos of Crawford's 8-year-old daughter, has turned himself in to German authorities. Now he must wait around while L.A. County figures out what to do with the alleged horrifying creep. [People]
• 
  
• New Moon star and werewolf-portrayer Kellan Lutz got bounced from his own movie's after party. Apparently the security guards didn't know who he was and "it looked like things were getting physical between then," at which point Lutz sprouted fur from his back and claws from his hands, ripped the velvet rope to shreds, and proceeded in. [P6]
• 
  
• The police chief accused of breaking into Sarah Jessica Parker's surrogate's home stole ultrasounds and a plaster cast of the mom's belly, a paparazzo testified in open court. Allegedly, the accused was a total hardball, demanding $1000 for the surrogate's name and address, and gearing up for a serious haggle for the tummy mould. Cindy Crawford's blackmailer should take note: This is how the professional sleazebags roll. [AP]
• 
  
• Heather Locklear is "acting like a prima donna" on the Melrose Place set because she is "insecure and on edge." Also, now that A.Simps is gone, she's the most famous one there, so it's sort of her right, you know? [ShowBizSpy]
• 
  

  Correction: Stephanopoulos hosts This Week, the promotion Gibson allegedly wants him to get is to anchor the evening news. Apologies.

We looked into our Melrose Place Crystal Ball (patent pending) and saw the future of the show. Here it goes:

• Violent is the killer and she kills Auggie, because they're both off the show. We didn't even need our crystal ball for that one.
• Lauren is going to get caught being a giant hooker and Ella is going to have to save her. She's going to have to choose between helping out her roommate and boning Jonah, and she will choose to save Lauren, and then will hire both her and cash-strapped Jonah for a three way. But then she will dump Jonah for the hot doctor played by Nick Zano. They will have an on-again-off again relationship until they fake their deaths and run off together again, because she is the new Amanda and he will be the new Peter. Lauren is the new Jo, so she will be boring until her contract is up and she leaves the show.
• Riley and Jonah will break up, of course, and they will continue to make really bad dating decisions, but will still live in the same apartment building and will enable each other's bad choices. They are the new Billy and Allison. That means that Riley will hate Ella for taking Jonah and will get a job at the PR firm to make her life hell. PR is pretty much exactly like teaching first grade, so she will be great.
• David will not go to jail for being a horrible thief and even worse bloody knife hider, but he will live in a halfway house right next door to Michael Mancini. He will cut his hedges over the fence everyday until Michael realizes that he loves his kid. He will bring cookies to the halfway house and they will stay up late looking at old pictures and sharing stories about how great his mother is. Then David will suddenly turn violently ill and die. Michael poisoned him, because he does not enjoy the tingling sensation of love.
• The steam will float of the pool like fog off a primordial bog as the tiles of the patio start to shiver like orphans left out in the cold. As the building quakes, the balcony is the first thing to go, caving in on the courtyard, crushing Violent and Auggie, their limbs splayed about like spilled Twizzlers. An inhuman cry tears through the eardrums of all that remain, sending blood down their heads, and they grab their ears, stumbling about trying to keep from falling to their knees as they look up in horror at a sight that is giant, green, and massive: Dinosaur Amanda!

We have looked into our Melrose Place Crystal Ball (patent pending) and, based on last night's activity, we have seen the future of all the character's lives.

• After her national campaign for Real People Jeans, Dog-named Riley becomes a world famous model. Well, not a real world famous model, because she's too short, but television's version of a world-famous model where she makes tons and tons of money and doesn't do very much. She leaves Jonah behind for a world-famous fashion photographer named Benson Benson. Then, one day, he is shooting her for a perfume ad in a giant mansion and the shoot is being catered by Doggie Auggie, who started a catering company just for this one single shoot. In a coke-feuled fit, Benson Benson lashes out and slaps Riley in the face because she refuses to pose topless. She runs down in the kitchen, crying, mascara streaming down her face, when Doggie Auggie finds her. He rushes up stairs, grunts a few simple grunts and socks Benson Benson. He shouts, "No one hits Benson Benson and gets away with it!" and Doggie Auggie goes downstairs and whisks up Riley and takes her home and does her doggy style. That is the end of her modeling career and she goes back to teaching first grade.
• Lauren's pimp, Kimber, starts get even more demanding and crazy. She sends Lauren out on a "date" with a very, very sexy lady, Evelyn, but Lauren is all, "I've never done it with a lady before" and Evelyn says, "I know, that's why I asked for you." And they kiss and the seven hundred straight men flipping by the CW when it happens drop their remotes and tune in to the entire episode, and Melrose gets its first straight fans ever. Very rich Evelyn promises that she will pay for med school if Lauren quits being a hooker and is her girlfriend. She agrees, but then Kimber comes after them with a switchblade. We would tell you what happens, but we don't want to ruin the season one cliffhanger.
• Violent continues to harass Michael because she thinks that he is the reason why her "mother" Sydney is dead. She uses the tape of the two of them together to get him to buy her all sorts of things and take her out and treat her nice. Somewhere between half-price taco night at Chili's and a ride on the Santa Monica ferris wheel, Michael realizes that he's only happy with a partner as crazy as he is and develops a sort of Stockholm syndrome where he falls in love with Violent. When she sees Doggie Auggie doing it with Riley, she realizes that she never loved him in a first place and that she's fallen in love with Michael. They are on their way to their shotgun wedding and as Violent goes to leave, crazy aunt Jane leaps out of the closet and jumps on her back. Everyone forgot the landlord was there, but she is so jealous that another red head has won Michael's heart that she strangles Violent with one of her couture gowns. She dies.
• Ella will do something other than throw shade and make bitchy quips. Her future is still uncertain.
• A beautiful blond stranger's high heels will go clickety-clack, clickety clack through the courtyard, but we will only see a backlit shadow as it approaches the camera. She is wearing a stunning, form-fitting turquoise minidress as she makes a lap around the pool, whimsically running her finger along the banister. We never see her face, as the camera closes up right behind her right shoulder. David rushes down the stairs to ask who this beautiful stranger is and she grabs him by both arms and pulls him in for a passionate kiss. He kisses her back, placing his arm around her waist. She moves down to his neck as his head falls back in ecstasy. Suddenly, he tenses up, we see him start to go pale, as she sucks the life force right out of him through his neck. He spasms suddenly a few times, and then she tosses his lifeless body to the side, wiping the gore from her face with her forearm but never mussing her lipstick. And she has returned: Vampire Amanda!

The deal was just announced and Locklear will make her first appearance at her old address on November 17. No word on how much money she got (probably lots) or how many episodes she's doing (hopefully lots) or if she'll still be billed as "Special Guest Star" (if she's not then we will bitch, lots).

Locklear famously joined the staid Melrose Place late into its first season and her conniving advertising executive character brought all the slutty campy backstabbing craziness that made the show famous. Of course, the bland tales of twentysomething trying to make it were traded for boardroom romps, fights in the pool, and pulling off wigs. It was a trade that brought ratings success and the most ludicrously brilliant television drama since Dynasty, which Locklear also starred in.

The new series has been struggling both with viewers and critics (though it's growing on me) but Locklear's return is sure to be a boon. We'll see if they can turn the spike they're sure to get from her first appearance into higher numbers week to week.

In celebration, here is, perhaps, her most Melrose moment:

[Image via Getty]

Michael, Jane, Syndey, and Jo (played by Thomas Calabro, Josie Bissett, Laura Leighton, and Daphne Zuniga, respectively) are all signed on for multiple episodes of the new season. But if Ashlee Simpson-Wentz and cohorts can't carry this thing, producers are going to have to turn to turn on the nostalgia and bring back some of the most-ludicrous apartment complex's former residents. Here's some all-stars who will probably get the call sooner than later.

Heather Locklear
Melrose Character: Amanda Woodward
Character's Fate: Disappeared after faking her death.
Post-Melrose Career: The failed drama LAX followed by a public divorce, breakdown, and dating David Spade.
Reasons For/Against Returning: Big money, if she does, but if she's trying to craft another vehicle, this could work against her. Plus, she probably already turned it down.
Verdict: Not likely, but still necessary.

Marcia Cross
Melrose Character: Kimberly Shaw
Character's Fate: Died of cancer.
Post-Melrose Career: Hit paydirt playing Bree on Desperate Housewives.
Reasons For/Against Returning: Ok, aside from being the show's archetypal villain, it would be ratings gold. But Cross probably wants to put her wig-pulling past behind her.
Verdict: Never gonna happen.

Doug Savant
Melrose Character: Matt Fielding
Character's Fate: Died in a car accident.
Post-Melrose Career: Hanging out with Marcia Cross on the set of Desperate Housewives.
Reasons For/Against Returning: Is married to Laura Leighton, so she might talk him into coming back. Plus, isn't it about time he got to kiss a guy on screen?
Verdict: Possible.

Courtney Thorne=Smith
Melrose Character: Alison Parker
Character's Fate: Moved to Atlanta, which is even worse than that time she went blind.
Post-Melrose Career: Spent a few seasons on Ally McBeal and an eternity on According to Jim.
Reasons For/Against Returning: She's been on three hit shows, she doesn't need the money. But, her character is still "alive" and she's not doing anything better. We have a feeling that Courtney would think this is a lark.
Verdict: Not unlikely.

Rob Estes
Melrose Character: Kyle McBride
Character's Fate: Still living in Melrose Place.
Post-Melrose Career: Now stars on 90210 an hour before Melrose on The CW.
Reasons For/Against Returning: His wife ex, Josie Bissett is on the show, and can he play two characters two hours apart?
Verdict: He can't. It would rip a hole in the time-CW continuum.

Grant Show
Melrose Character: Jake Hanson
Character's Fate: Moved to Ojai to be with his son.
Post-Melrose Career: A good turn on last summer's ill-fated Swingtown.
Reasons For/Against Returning: Unemployment, and showing that his body is still killer.
Verdict: Wait for sweeps.

Jack Wagner
Melrose Character: Dr. Peter Burns
Character's Fate: Faked his death with Amanda and ran off to a tropical island.
Post-Melrose Career: A stint on The Bold and the Beautiful and, um, celebrity golf tournaments.
Reasons For/Against Returning: Do we want him back?
Verdict: Unfortunately, probably a yes.

Kelly Rutherford
Melrose Character: Megan Lewis
Character's Fate: Living happily ever after outside of Melrose Place.
Post-Melrose Career: Bad mommy Lily on Gossip Girl.
Reasons For/Against Returning: She said she'd do it for a lot of money, and it could have cross over potential. Maybe Lily's gay son Eric should move into Melrose Place, and Rutherford can return to the show playing a different role.
Verdict: Never mind, that would also tear a rift in the time-CW continuum.

Kristen Davis
Melrose Character: Brooke Armstrong
Character's Fate: Drowned in the pool.
Post-Melrose Career: Are you a Charlotte? Well, Brooke is.
Reasons For/Against Returning: Please. She's a fancy movie star now. She doesn't need this crap.
Verdict: About as likely as Carrie Bradshaw shopping at Macy's.

Alyssa Milano
Melrose Character: Jennifer Mancini
Character's Fate: Moved to New Jersey with Billy (Andrew Shue).
Post-Melrose Career: Charmed and the first lady of Major League Baseball.
Reasons For/Against Returning: Boredom. Plus, her character's brother, Michael, is back. Why not have Jen come by for a quick visit?
Verdict: Give it a season or two.

The assumption when any television show hit ends its run is that the stars will go on to fame and fortune and other projects. Sometimes that happens and we never hear from them again (see Friends and inexplicably Full House) but when it doesn't, they all rush back to familiar territory to jump start their careers. Here's are scale from the worst to best.

Dynasty
Final Episode: May 1989
Breakout Stars: Heather Locklear, Emma Samms (just kidding)
Reunion: Dynasty: The Reunion aired in August 1991. The came back for another go-round Dynasty Reunion: Catfights and Caviar in 2006.
Cause: There were some cliffhanger plotlines to tie up, and really, nobody was doing anything else. Also, shoulder pads were about to go out of style, so they had to do it to save on the wardrobe budget.
Held Out: 2 years
Respectability: So bad it's campy.

Firefly
Final Episode: August 2003
Breakout Stars: Does anyone beside us and hardcore Joss Whedon fans even remember this?
Reunion: Serenity hit movie theaters in September, 2005
Cause: To try to get someone, anyone, to finally watch this thing. It failed.
Held Out: 2 years
Respectability: Did it have any to start with?

Sex and the City
Final Episode: February 2004
Breakout Stars: Sarah Jessica Parker, who was the biggest show when the series started. Everyone else found out there really aren't any roles for women over 30.
Reunion: Sex and the City: The Movie came out in May 2008 and broke box office records. A sequel is planned
Cause: These ladies needed a way to make some money. And, obviously, cosmo-swilling Midwestern "fashionistas" demanded it.
Held Out: 4 years.
Respectability: Shameless.

The X-Files
Final Episode: May 2002
Breakout Stars: David Duchovny, who was only a recurring character on the show's final two seasons, is doing quite well on Californication.
Reunion: X-Files: I Want to Believe, the second movie based on the show, failed at the box office in July of 2008.
Cause: We still haven't figured this one out.
Held Out: 6 years.
Respectability: Pretty lame.

Seinfeld
Final Episode: May 1998
Breakout Stars: All of them, but the biggest has been Larry David, now of Curb Your Enthusiasm who wasn't even an actor on the show. Julia Louis-Dreyfuss is still holding down The Adventures of Old Christine. Jerry Seinfeld sits in his house and counts his money, only leaving occasionally to do stand-up, American Express commercials, and The Bee Movie. Jason Alexander had a few failed sitcoms and KFC commercials. Michael Richards had a racist rant that ruined his career.
Reunion: On the cover of Entertainment Weekly August 2009.
Cause: They'll all guest on Curb Your Enthusiasm this year, where a Seinfeld reunion becomes a meta plot point. For a giggle. They're all still rolling in residuals.
Held Out: 11 years.
Respectability: High.

Facts of Life
Final Episode: May 1988
Breakout Stars: Nancy McKeon was a Lifetime fixture before going to rock the tween set on the Disney Channel's Sonny with a Chance. George Clooney did two seasons.
Reunion: The Facts of Life Reunion aired on ABC in November 2001
Cause: Because the gays thought it would be fun and Mrs. Garrett wasn't getting any younger.
Held Out: 13 years.
Respectability: Surprising good. This also seems to be the exception that proves the rule, either that or all the girls have given up on acting careers.

Saved by the Bell
Final Episode: May 1993 (we're not counting The College Years, which ended in 1994)
Breakout Stars: Mark-Paul Gosselaar did the later seasons of NYPD Blue and is now a hit on cable's Raising the Bar. Tiffani Amber Thiessen did 90210, Two Guys, A Girl, and A Pizza Place, Fastlane, and Good Morning, Miami. Elizabeth Berkley did Showgirls and became a Hollywood punchline, Mario Lopez danced with stars, and Dustin Diamond released a sex tape.
Reunion: The cover of People in August 2009.
Cause: Because it was either that or Jimmy Kimmel.
Held Out:16 years.
Respectability: Amazing!

Page Six reports that Barton's publicist can't even get his gonzo client on the cover of any of the tabloid magazines. What, did OK! have the first pictures of Paz Vega's baby instead?

"As sad as Mischa's recent problems are, what seems to be upsetting her representatives even more is that no one really cares," said the editor

Is that because after the head-shaving, chopper-chasing, ambulance-cramming awesomeness of Britney going bonkers, everything pales in comparison? These are just a handful of the covers that were coming out on a weekly basis in 2007 during Britney's spectacular fall from grace. Just a year later, Heather Locklear barely got any when she started acting nuts.

Running concurrently with Britney during the summer of tabloid gold, Lindsay Lohan was arrested for DUI more than once and was in and out of rehab. She even managed to score the cover of the New York Post and the Daily News on the same day!

Or is it, sadly, that neither of these women are famous enough for their mental condition to warrant our concern? It's probably a combination of that and the lack of a really sensational story, like Anne Heche wandering into people's houses in her underwear babbling about spaceships (remember that?!). See, Mischa, you just didn't go crazy enough.

Regardless of the reason, it looks like Barton is going to have to get on the cover of a tabloid the old fashioned way. You know, by being a good actress, getting knocked up, or having her husband leave her and their eight children to chase floozies around Southhampton with Michael Lohan.

This is the happy realization today for two of Hollywood's most recently beleaguered actresses. First, TMZ reports that Heather Locklear has had her DUI case dismissed thanks to the help of mega lawyer Blair Berk, who also negotiated an 84-minute jail stay for Lindsay Lohan last year. Despite the fact that the actress was found to be under the influence of prescription drugs, the judge waved that little infraction away so that Locklear could plea no contest to reckless driving, which mandates three years of informal probation, a $700 fine, and a 12-hour drug education course. Sadly, all of Denise Richards's plotting has come to naught.

Also cleared of wrongdoing are Hairspray star Nikki Blonsky and Top Model castoff Bianca Golden, whose Caribbean family blowout left more than a few egos and vaginas bruised. Both women have had the cases against them dropped, says Us. However, Blonsky's father still faces assault charges, on account of not being famous.

• Heather Locklear Dodges DUI Bullet [TMZ]

• Hairspray Star, ANTM Contestant Cleared of Assault Charges [Us]

Thus, she resolved to spend the remainder of the year hiding in her Malibu mansion's panic room, emerging only in 2009, when her famous, readopted Melrose Place hairstyle will have grown out the dark roots we knew and loved. Undaunted, a competitive Denise Richards vowed to go Locklear one better and never leave her own house until 2010. It worked, Heather! You can come out now! [The Tonight Show]

"I texted her to check on her," Spade, 44, said Saturday night in Santa Monica at the annual benefit dinner and concert for the Lili Claire Foundation (which helps children living with neurogenetic conditions), about Locklear, who was arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence.

..."I think things get blown out a lot of proportion," said Spade. "She's always solid and always a great person. And I think people understand she's in a tough situation and she does her best."

When it comes to Locklear, 47, Spade says, "I think there's no one that doesn't feel for her or have nice things to say about her in my experience."

We agree, but Dave — not even a phone call? A box of chocolates? A DVD collection of the first, truncated season of LAX with a calligraphied note saying, "Always thought this was your best work. XOXO, Joe Dirt"? Sure, that semi-disinterested text message may work on Teri Hatcher or a Playboy playmate, but this is Amanda Woodward we're talking about here. Cut a girl some slack and at least send an e-card!

• David Spade Checks In on Heather Locklear [People]

• Heather Locklear's DUI bust? Called in by an ex-Us Weekly staffer who now runs a paparazzi agency. She watched Locklear get into the car, then snapped pictures as she was taking her sobriety test. TMZ paid her more than $27,000 for the shots. And, uh, for ensuring road safety or whatever. [Scoop]
• Lauren Conrad's flack said the reason her clothes are clogging up store racks is because they are selling so incredibly well. Same with the buy-one-get-one-free offer. [P6]
• Mary-Kate Olsen's flakey artist boyfriend doesn't get along with Ashley Olsen's much more blue collar boyfriend, whose occupations is "famous movie star." Such enormous differences to overcome with these four! [Star]
• Lindsay Lohan is presently feeling interested in headbands and human child adoption. [The London Paper]
• Britney Spears visited some kids in the Bronx and looked cleaned up and sane. Apparently getting that way involved banning her cousin and former assistant Alli Sims from her entire life.
• Adnan Ghalib said there is no sex tape with him and Spears, and he's going to sue someone to prove it. [Sun]

Jossip has the goods on the ex-Us staffer, Jill Ishkanian, who had left the magazine (which she then sued) to start a paparazzi agency called Sunset Photo & News (where she was embezzled from).

So how did the industry veteran just happen to be driving near the actress one night this week?

Because, according to one conspiracy theory, Ishkanian was purposefully following her with an agenda in mind.

You'll recall that back when Ishkanian (pictured) was running Sunset Photo, a certain lady named Denise Richards just happened to appear in a number of the agency's shots that were then sold to the tabloids. A on-looker might surmise that Sunset Photo and Richards has a special relationship going on, which benefited them both: Sunset got to profit from photo sales, and Richards got to dictate how she came across in the press (read: good). That was especially important, because the entertainment press was inexplicably obsessed with Richard's then-beau, Richie Sambora, who is Locklear's ex-husband and father to her daughter — and plenty of outlets were interested in painting Richards as the villain in the feud between she and Locklear. [Ed: This story was soooo boring, we didn't even pay attention a the time.]

All this might have led some, like TMZ, to conclude Ishkanian (a Richards ally) tailed Locklear, phoned in a false report of erratic driving to get her arrested, which meant she would have the first pictures of the incident, and another favor paid to Richards, who's still keen on seeing Locklear fall.

We asked Ishkanian to comment on the matter, and she told us "I'm not getting into a pissing match with [TMZ head] Harvey Levin who has all his facts wrong" and instructed us to check with the police investigating the matter, or her attorney. "I'm willing to go through yet another controversy if it means that I saved the life of Heather Locklear, or some other person down the road that may have been affected by her condition behind the wheel. A condition that was not determined by myself, but by 3 CHP officers. The toxicology reports should be very telling indeed."

It appears that the long-awaited Melrose Place revival is now playing out in real life! Was Locklear drugged by Richards? Will Ishkanian rip off her wig and plot to blow up Malibu Colony? Will Lisa Rinna join the saga just as it starts to feel played out? Developing!

• Heather 911 Caller Up to No Good [TMZ]
• The Curious Case of Heather Locklear's Paparazzi-Ready DUI Arrest [Jossip]

"Around 4:30 p.m., a female witness saw Heather Locklear driving erratically while leaving a parking lot in Montecito," California Highway Patrol spokesman Tom Marshall tells PEOPLE. "The witness said Locklear was revving her engine loudly, and backed over a pair of sunglasses several times."

Soon after, the witness – who apparently didn't recognize the actress – spotted Locklear, 47, stopped on a nearby highway, exiting her vehicle.

"The witness called 911 because she was concerned for Locklear's safety," Marshall said. "When a CHP officer arrived, Locklear was found seated inside her vehicle, which was partially blocking the roadway."

Because Locklear appeared "disoriented and impaired," she was taken to a local CHP station and drug and alcohol tests were administered, Marshall said. The actress was cooperative.

"Alcohol was ruled out as a factor, but based on the officer's observations, we believe Locklear was under the influence of prescription medication," Marshall added.

Had Locklear stumbled upon a pair of Ray-Bans worn by her rival Denise Richards, or was she repeatedly crushing Spade's sunglasses in a female empowerment ritual worthy of Waiting to Exhale? Whatever the case, Locklear's had a difficult year, with imaginary 911 calls and a trip to rehab already under her belt. Take all the time you need to get well, Heather — your job as president of D&D will still be secure when you get back.

• Heather Locklear Arrested on DUI Charge [People]

Spade is a funny dude, but that can’t be it. Surely he must have a secret—something that draws the skirts to him like men’s bathrooms draw George Michael. Thankfully, Moehringer wasn’t afraid to do a little digging, and through exhaustive interviews with Spade and various ladies he’s flirted with, he may have actually hit upon the reason for all the chick-magnet-madness.

Spade’s platonic friend Courtney Cox Arquette explains it thusly: “He has good teeth.” But the most illuminating reason comes from David himself. When asked what advice he’d give a single guy, Spade says:

"Be normal and kind of have your shit together. And be consistent and reliable. Just not a flake. Really, the thing is, not to be a superflake. Don’t be an asshole. Don’t be supercocky. Don’t be a show-off. Everyone for some reason feels the need to show off.”

So that’s it? Just don’t be a dick? Admittedly that’s a hard thing to do in this town, but we still think Spade must have a dump truck full of Roofies stashed his house. Otherwise it just doesn’t add up.

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

• The Don Juan of Our Time [Los Angeles Magazine]

Andy Dick, comedian

How drunk: Groping minors, getting arrested — classic Andy Dick, basically.

Latest: Nabbed by the police in Murrieta, California for drug use, posession of marijuana and Valium and for sexual assault after Dick grabbed a 17-year-old's breasts at 2am outside (sigh) "Buffalo Wild Wings Grill & Bar."

Outlook: Given his long and distinguished track record, a relapse is virtually guaranteed.

Low point: Beaten up at the Laugh Factory in Los Angeles in July 2007 by fellow comedian Jon Lovitz, who blamed him for the death of comedian Phil Hartman since Dick allegedly sold cocaine to Hartman's wife, a recovering addict, before she killed Hartman.

Jessica Simpson, singer

How drunk: Drunk at lunch, but not drunk driving.

Latest: Perhaps distraught at pictures of ex-flame John Mayer with actress Jennifer Aniston, Simpson last week went on a four-hour margarita binge at LA's Mexicali Cocina Cantina that ended with her friend puking under the table and Simpson abandoning her car.

Outlook: Her clean track record offers hope this was an isolated boozing, but she needs to get over Mayer.

Low point: The restaurant thing. Simpson was once a goody two-shoes, having started singing in a Baptist church before transitioning to harmless teen pop. She remained a virgin prior to her first marriage.

Amy Winehouse, singer

How drunk: Epically.

Latest: Thinks her home is inhabited by ghosts; caught smoking crack or something on video; punched, headbutted and stiffed three different people over the course of a single night; has a skin condition associated with crack addicts.

Outlook: Will probably deteriorate until she runs out of money or comes, somehow, closer to death. Rumors continue to circulate she'll seek treatment abroad, for example in Israel or South Africa. Whatever — these reports have been floated repeatedly in recent months and have yet to pan out.

Low point: Probably whatever is in the British tabloids on any given morning. Has had major issues at least since she's been famous. Her first U.S. hit was called "Rehab," after all.

Drew Barrymore, actress

How drunk: Engagement-breakingly, allegedly.

Latest: Dumped by actor Justin Long (whom she reportedly planned to marry) after he "got tired of having to help Drew to the car at the end of the night," according to the National Enquirer. After battling drugs and alcohol as a child star, Barrymore thought she had things under control.

Outlook: Decent: Continues to work, and normally tends to keep herself out of the tablouds.

Low point: Entering rehab at age 14, having already snorted cocaine.

Mischa Barton, actress

How drunk: Problematically.

Latest: Pled no contest to drunk driving charges dating to December, got three years probation and mandatory alcohol-education classes.

Outlook: Decent. Has largely avoided the tabloids save for the December incident. Recently declined to join the case of Gossip Girl to work on another project, so apparently staying (soberly) busy.

Low point: Puked in the street last year while partying with celebrity friends Kirsten Dunst and Jamie-Lynn Sigler.

Kirsten Dunst, actress

How drunk: Not? Rehabbed and hopefully not backsliding, despite that one rumor.

Latest: Dragged All Good Things co-star and rumored boyfriend Ryan Gosling to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, a recovery no-no. Is fresh out of two-month rehab stint in April.

Outlook: Decent chance of a relapse. She's 26 with no kids or long term relationship, and with one hell of a track record.

Low point: When so many anonymous tipsters emailed us about her getting drunk around New York that we had to run a special report.

Scott Weiland, singer

How drunk: Problematically.

Latest : The bipolar Stone Temple Pilots frontman served a 10-hour prison term earlier this month for a November drunk driving incident, his second in five years.

Outlook: Worrisome. With a wife of eight years and two children, hopefully the drunk driving incident was just a rocker's aberration, but it was his second in five years.

Low point: A two-month drug binge with Courtney Love in a hotel in 1998. Runners-up: Convicted of buying crack in 1995 and of driving drunk in 2003.

Eva Mendes, actress

How drunk: Menacingly, but supposedly all better.

Latest: Checked herself into the Cirque Lodge rehab facility in Utah in January to "privately attend to some personal issues."

Outlook: Bad. Has taken a movie role playing a Spanish drug lord in Queen of the South. This could mean the rehab stint was just method acting; more likely the drug lord role will do to Mendes what Less Than Zero did to Robert Downey Jr.

Low point: The recent rehab. No history of erratic behavior, unless you count posing topless in Italian Vogue.

Sean Young, actress

How drunk: Freshly rehabbed as of February.

Latest: Completed a sting in rehab earlier this year after being ejected from a Hollywood awards ceremony for bad behavior.

Outlook: Poor, due to a history of emotional volatility and bizarre behavior. According to Wikipedia, her role in Wall Street was reduced due to fights with Oliver Stone; she was sued by actor James Woods for harassment; she unsuccessfully tried to win a role on Batman Returns by confronting the director in a homemade Catwoman costume; she was fired from the movie Dick Tracy. Her last marriage ended in 2002.

Low point: Heckled director Julian Schnabel during his speech at the Director's Guild of America awards in January. Believed to be intoxicated, she was escorted out.

Justin Chambers, actor and former model

How drunk: Not. Finally getting rested after a recent hospital stay.

Latest: Checked himself into UCLA Medical Center with what he said was a sleep disorder. But after his discharge, was spotted passing out and acting bizarrely at the Village Pub in Palm Springs.

Outlook: Good, if you make the difficult assumption he's telling the truth about his sleep disorder and that reports he was only drinking non-alcoholic beer at the pub are true.

Low point: The Village Pub incident.

Miley Cyrus, singer and actress

How drunk: At 15, has possibly never been drunk. Then again, maybe there is something to these pictures of her stumbling out of a club in Hollywood.

Latest: Her scandalous, topless-except-for-a-sheet photo spread in Vanity Fair, obviously. Also, she keeps emailing underwear pictures to her boyfriend, which somehow end up online. None of which indicates she is on a path toward drinking or addiction, just that she is growing up and clearly ready to move beyond her goody-goody image on the TV show Hannah Montana.

Outlook: Very good. But the relentless pressure from Disney to never grow up could finally make her snap.

Low point: Vanity Fair incident.

Kate Moss, model

How drunk: Modestly, and only via booze. Yay!

Latest: On the one hand, she's reportedly engaged to be married, practicing yoga and tending to her fashion line. On the other, she looked scary and strung out in the last of these February pictures, and sometimes will randomly go without underwear. In March, she had a "boozy lunch" in Paris and then licked her boyfriend's neck.

Outlook: Good. She's avoided any public cocaine relapses over the past three years, though clearly drinks sometimes. She should be further grounded by continuing to raise her daughter, six, and by a reported engagement to guitarist Jamie Hince.

Low point: In 2005, was famously photographed by British tabloid the Daily Mirror snorting cocaine at a recording session for Babyshambles, band of her junkie boyfriend Pete Doherty. She was subsequently dropped by both Chanel and Burberry and entered rehab.

Courtney Love, singer

How drunk: Epically.

Latest: Despite recently handing out sobriety advice to Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears and declaring herself rehabbed, Love was spotted in London this spring looking drunk and carrying copious prescription drugs, which she has abused in the past.

Outlook: Poor. Love insists she's reformed but somehow few people are convinced.

Low point: So many to choose from! Probably the time she thought she was going to die so her hangers-on, according to Love, stole $20 million.

Lindsay Lohan, actress (at one point, apparently)

How drunk: Constantly, visibly and criminally.

Latest: Accused of stealing someone else's fur coat from a nightclub. Also recent: getting plastered with her girlfriend at Hawaiian Tropic Club, falling limply while trying to get into a car outside a Hollywood.

Outlook: Surprisingly pretty good. She's getting good report cards on the set of her new movie, and is a newly minted femme lesbian.

Low point: When walking medicine cabinet Courtney Love told her she really needed to shape up. Also: five car incidents in three years, including one where she was alleged to have been chasing someone in her car while drunk.

Naomi Campbell, abusive supermodel

How drunk: Unconvincingly reformed.

Latest: Campbell is trying to redeem herself following a spitting, racial-epithet-hurling attack on police at Heathrow airport. She bought coffee for cast members of TV show Ugly Betty and smiled at Heathrow police.

Outlook: Poor. Campbell has falsely claimed to be reformed in the past. In 2006, Campbell told W magazine, "Some people can handle a drink or a line of cocaine, but I’ve finally come to realize that, for me, it’s all or nothing — and it has to be nothing." She was later photographed drinking wine at dinner.

Low point: In 2006, after being arrested for her latest cell-phone beating of the help, she was forced to scrub toilets as part of a community service sentence. She claimed the experience was sobering before moving on to further meltdowns.

Pat O'Brien, TV host

How drunk: Freshly rehabbed, working again — for the second time.

Latest: Entered rehab in February (his last rehab had been in 2005). Despite speculation to the contrary, he returned to his hosting gig on The Insider.

Outlook: Weak, since he has relapsed once before.

Low point: A drunken, horny voice mail left prior to his most recent rehab stint.

Paris Hilton, attention-mad socialite

How drunk: Very, but in a totally older, more responsible way.

Latest: Hilton now says she's become more domestic, staying home (heavens!) some nights and even cooking dinner for serious boyfriend and rocker Benji Madden. She's taken to wearing a diamond ring on her wedding ring finger and reportedly even talks of children.

Outlook: Precarious. Marriage and increased sobriety are possible; more likely is a breakup and total Hilton meltdown. The starlet has failed at reform before: The Times in March reminded everyone that Hilton still had not taken a charity trip to Rwanda or set up a transitional home for women, as promised on Larry King Live following a jail term.

Low point: Was sent to jail for repeatedly driving on a license suspended in connection with a drunk driving conviction. Runner up: When her cat was reclaimed for alleged neglectful treatment.

Nicole Richie, actress, fashion plate

How drunk: Minimally.

Latest: Richie gave birth in January and subsequently said her daughter and relationship to boyfriend Benji Madden, the girl's father, gave her life new meaning and helped her "move on" from her wilder days. Richie's friend Paris Hilton is said to be hoping for a similarly grounding relationship with her boyfriend, Benji Madden, brother to Joel.

Outlook: Decent. Richie raised $1 million by selling pictures of her baby, and her dad Lionel is rich, so she's well funded to either raise a family or have a Britney Spears-style post-baby meltdown. She's 26 so the chance of the latter is not insignificant. But there are no immediate warning signs.

Low point: In 2003, was arrested for possession of heroin. Runner-up: Becoming dramatically thing after a falling out with party buddy Paris Hilton and a brief jail sentence on drunk driving charges.

Britney Spears, wayward singer

How drunk: Only on Frappuccinos (this month).

Latest development: Spears is back in the recording studio, has appeared in repeated successful TV cameos and gained new visitation rights with her two sons after a court commissioner said he was "extremely impressed" with her progress.

Outlook: Good, for now. With her father in control of her money and many aspects of her life, Spears is unlikely to backslide anytime soon, particularly given how much she wants to regain custody of her kids. The question is whether she'll be able to stay sober once she has her kids back and is in full control of her bank account.

Low point: Flashing her vag to paparazzi in 2006 while clubbing with Paris Hilton. Runners up: Her two psych-ward stays this year; brief, recent relationships with scuzzballs Adnan Ghalib and Sam Lutfi; shaving her head and bashing a car with an umbrella.

Robert Downey, Jr., actor

How drunk: Stone cold sober.

Latest: Downey's film Iron Man has been a critical and financial success, with Downey now expected to take part in sequels. He appears in blackface in the forthcoming comedy Tropic Thunder with Ben Stiller

Outlook: No reason to think he's anything but clean and sober from here on out. Unless you've heard something. What, have you heard something??

Low point: In 2000-2001, when a series of arrests saw him kicked off the hit TV show Ally McBeal. Struggled with drug abuse throughout the 1990s, and eventually served at least a year and a half in jail and several years on probation and in drug treatment.