• Jon Gosselin was the guest of honor at a pool party in Vegas. Whereas a pool party would sound like an enjoyable experience anywhere else, in Vegas, it's the sixth circle of hell. It looks something like this:

  Upon arriving on the red carpet, Gosselin told reporters, "It looks like we'll have a good time" – as 2,000 people danced and drank alcohol to the sounds of rock, hip hop and house music. Not everyone was necessarily happy to see him, though. As he walked on the red carpet, one bikinied woman stood on a railing and shouted, "Team Kate".

  Come on. Just, like, amazing. Note the detail of how she's in a bikini. Anyway, he got a bunch of numbers and apparently brought his mom there, too? This guy's just, yeah. The verdict's in. Team Kate, indeed. Oh, and MGM Hotel and Casino: Classy. [People]
  
  

• Meanwhile, Kate—even though her hair could use some, uh, toning down—put the rumors about her being with the family's bodyguard to rest. They had their own pool party with the bodyguard and his wife, and E! helpfully points out that he patrolled the perimeter on an ATV, playing watchdog over the family. Since Jon was, you know, in Vegas. [E!]
  
  
• Joe Francis says Brody Jenner has a small dick. First off: takes one to know one, BRAH. Second: the New York Times has some helpful news for Jenner! If he can't get it big, he might still be able to keep it up. Really, though, there's so much homoerotic tension between these guys. I've always secretly thought Girls Gone Wild is the kind of overcompensating shit someone deeply insecure about their sexuality would produce. Then again, who doesn't want a free hat, right? Community service. [D Listed]
  
  
• Kelly Preston pulled out of a "grief panel" where she was going to discuss the death of her son, Jett. Nope. No more. Maybe because she'd get asked a question about the sketchy circumstances surrounding it, including (but not limited to!) the Scientology cover-up of Jett's autism. Unfortunately, you can only get so many Roger Friedmans fired, and once you run out, there are no heads to be put on corporate platters! And that happened. [NYDN]
  
  
• Serena Williams and Common are hooking up? Did not know. There is, indeed, a light in celebrity gossip, sometimes. [Page Six]
  
  
• See this plastic bag? It's the most beautiful thing in the world. And it costs too much for me to ever have. Name the movie! American Beauty star Wes Bentley is defaulting on his AmEx for $90K. Maybe he can sell some weed to pay the bill? [TMZ]
  
  
• The first lady of oil-rich Gabon is in California living on food stamps? (A) Africa is crazy and (B) of course Page Six would pick this up. Love it. [Page Six]
  
  
• The guy from Sum 41 and Avril Lavigne are "headed for splitsville" according to the Daily News. They get Gabon and you get this? Weak, Daily News. Sorry, but you just can't compete with geopolitical scandelousness with Canadian pop-punksters. [NYDN]
  
  
• Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson don't talk about Twilight, like, ever. Dare not say they sacred name! Just like how media people never talk about the media. Really, though: I wonder if they're bigger Harry Potter fans. Don't forget, folks, Pattinson was Cedric Diggory waybackwhen. There's a distinct air of truth to this. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Tina Fey takes her FeyCay on Fire Island. Everyone there is apparently resisting the urge to make the Sarah Palin joke about Fire Island/Manhattan and Alaska/Russia. Which makes me concerned that the people in the Hamptons might be funnier. [Page Six]
  
  
• Albert Hammond Jr. of The Strokes sold his East Village pad for less than $1M (ouch?) and him an Agyness Deyn are gonna move into a hotel for a while. 3:1 on the Bowery Hotel, 8:1 on the Cooper Square, but if they drop into The Hotel on Rivington, every last remaining shred of indie cred: gone. [Page Six]
  
  
• Maybe I'm amazed that Paul McCartney still has the power to deal with all of these women coming in and out of his life. Then again, maybe I'm not, and he probably doesn't need your New York Times penile resuscitation squad to do so, thank you. His current lady, Nancy Shevell, is avoiding his last lady, Heather Mills, who's been stalking around his Amaganssett house. Which, I mean, pretty impressive, Heather Mills. Must get tiring, though, right? [Page Six]

And, on that note: happy Sunday. We'll leave it to the Walrus himself to take us out. Paul?

• Tom Cruise drives around in a bomb-proof vehicle, supposedly, because he believes anti-Scientology protesters want to kill him. He also believes he is following in the footsteps of a Galactic Confederacy faction that rebelled against an alien tyrant named Xenu who ruled the galaxy for 82 trillion years. So maybe take his threat assessments with a grain of salt.
• Here's Katie Holmes no longer looking like a zombie, although the Daily Mail's parenthetical is correct: "Shame about the shorts." [Mail]
• Britney Spears is now rumored dating the Bollywood dancer who choreographed her Womanizer video, and who she met at a party thrown by Madonna. Supposedly they've already been to India. Spears was previously rumored to be alternately crushing hard on ex-husband Kevin Federline or ex-boyfriend-and-paparazzo Adnan Ghalib. [Mirror]
• Former editor-from-hell Joe Dolce, now a flack, has taken on client-from-hell Heather Mills. This'll be fun! [P6]
• Toby Young, who wrote that book about his stint at Vanity Fair, is trying to start a charter school in Britain. [WWD]
• There's a big uproar in Britain because Prince Edward may have wacked one of his hunting dogs with his walking stick. The pheasant he shot dead could not be reached for comment. [Mail]
• Rebecca Jarvis may owe her CNBC job to Donald Trump, but she has the good sense not to mention this publicly, except when absolutely necessary. [P6]
• Drew Barrymore hooked up with Jason Segel, 28. But she's like 33, so whatever, right? What's with the cougar pawprint, X17? [X17]

• Wacky old Giorgio Armani is going back on his promise to PETA not to use fur in his designs. [P6]
• Meanwhile, Jennifer Aniston was seen coming out of a fur shop. [Faded Youth]
• Oil heir Brandon Davis hasn't actually inherited anything yet, so he's scamming all the other heirs and rich people for money, and that's apparently not cool. One of them is going to call the American Express fraud department if complaining to Page Six doesn't produce immediate results. Smart plan. [P6]
• Heather Mills is actually suing someone who called her a "witch" on the grounds that she's not actually a witch. Apparently in England witch accusations are still taken very seriously. [P6]
• Perez Hilton will be photographed with his hair on fire surrounded by naked people. [P6]
• Supposedly, Crispin Glover disowned a friend for sleeping with Gene Simmons in that sex tape. [Showbiz Spy]

• Katie Holmes got a visit from concerned ex-boyfriend and former Dawson's Creek co-star Joshua Jackson at rehearsals for her Broadway play, a British magazine reported. Jackson had this crazy idea that Holmes has been sucked into an isolating Scientology vortex, but Holmes was still thrilled to see and de-Thetanize him. [Showbiz Spy]
• For her landmark meeting with an ex, Jennifer Aniston needed two friends along for moral support. Her drink with Brad Pitt marked their first reunion since divorcing in 2005. [Sun]
• Mary-Kate Olsen at Fashion Week: Wearing black nail polish, drinking a Peroni. [Sun]
• A Vogue photographer flew over from London to snap pictures of Britney Spears. Hmm. [Post]
• Heather Mills wants nearly $2 million for her roman a clef. [Mail]
• It's legal to auction a virgin in certain parts of Nevada, and Howard Stern will not let this situation go unexploited. [R&M]
• Jennifer Lopez will be a judge on the season finale of Project Runway. Then she'll run a triathlon. Everything seems easy after giving birth to twins. [Us]
• Lil' Wayne stomped away from his Fashion Show performance because security refused to accept that guns and drugs are just other types of accessories. [P6]
• Ashton Kutcher, high school football coach. [P6]
• Michael Jackson's unwashed underwear, collected as evidence in the usuccessful molestation case against him, somehow ended up for auction on EBay with a reserve price of $1 million. [P6]
• Sad Madonna can't sell out a New York venue like Miley Cyrus can. [Post]
• Minnie Driver and her boyfriend had a son named Henry. [People]

"I said, 'Who do you think you are with the way you behave - God?' Then she took it to another level. She was furious, fuming. She said, 'How dare you call me that?' I told her I was sick of her outbursts. I said, 'You have a couple of dollars now and think you are somebody?' " Elyzabeth said.

The publicist then told Mills she was quitting. "She told me she never wanted to speak to me again, and I said the same," Elyzabeth relates. She says Mills hasn't paid her for the last three of the four years she worked for her, and now owes her more than $100,000.

"I didn't see a dime," Elyzabeth said. "She's so cheap . . . I think she tells false stories and then believes them herself.

"One day she is sweet, one day she's not, and there's no reason for any of it. I protected her when I knew I was dealing with someone who was unstable. But now I believe everything the British press has written about her." [P6]

• Marc Jacobs is maybe getting married! To the upmarket man, Lorenzo Matrone, in Paris. Will former rentboy and perpetual Jacobs ex Jason Preston attend Y/N??! [Gay Socialites]
• Harvey Weinstein allowed his name to be taken off the Emmy nomination for Project Runway, a major moneymaker his company produces. For this selfless gesture, he is considered a real mensch. [P6]
• Another embarrassing Eliot Spitzer item in the Post, this time claiming someone on the street heckled his "Attorney General" t-shirt. Yesterday he was being snickered at in his gym. He's either getting out more or pissing off the Post. [P6]
• Heather Mills' publicist, who apparently does not read much in the way of press, has discovered that Heather Mills is "impossible." God, even the Times covered that story, and they're not much for vicious celebrity news. [Us]
• Shanna Moakler threw a drink on Kim Kardashian and called her a whore for flirting with her ex-husband back before they broke up. Which sounds damatic, but they both have reality shows, so this is how they make smalltalk. [P6]
• Poor Alex Rodriguez was harrassed by beautiful women at a rooftop bar and had to leave. But he was there with "two male buddies," so he was kind of asking for it. [P6]
• After saying Britney Spears is not a "puppet," the singer's record collaborator Keri Hilson adds that Spears "never mouths off" and "takes direction very well." So not a puppet in strictly the literal sense, then. [Showbiz Spy]

• Victoria Gotti didn't realize she was getting a $70,000 memoir advance to dish dirt on her mobster dad John. Or maybe she did, but she never thought HarperCollins would have the stones to demand it back. [Post]
• Woody Allen concedes there are threesomes and lesbian scenes in his movie involving Penelope Cruz and Scarlett Johansson and, but explains they constitute "not even 20 seconds of sex." So... about 75 cents per second at the multiplex? Sold. (Oh, the guy: Javier Bardem.) [Showbiz Spy]
• Lindsay Lohan's girlfriend Samantha Ronson posted a MySpace picture of the couple kissing, then thought better of it and removed the picture. [Perez Hilton]
• Someone found an insurance company insane enough to cover Lohan's forthcoming movie, Labor Pains, a romantic comedy that will fix Lohan's life forever. [R&M]
• Still under a spell cast by Vanity Fair mystic Annie Leibovitz, normally chaste 15-year-old Miley Cyrus hooked up with her 22-year-old backup ancer "Marshall." And there are a couple of pictures. [ThinkFashion]
• Heather Mills, yelling in a New York penthouse about puppy mills and feeling a little victimized herself: "I haven't been up for 24 hours and flew here from London to be ignored!" [P6]
• Designed Tommy Hilfiger is going to be in some sort of Bravo special. [P6]
• Meadow Soprano is moving to LA for some TV work. [OK!]

• Jennifer Aniston and boyfriend John Mayer got into a hotel pool in Miami, and there were pictures, and everyone found this very exciting for some reason. The Sun went above and beyond, as usual, with shots of the two parts of the actress' body any experienced reader of the British tabloid would expect it to focus on. (Photo from X17)
• Richard Simmons signed DVDs in aisle six of a Chicago Walgreens, and TMZ managed to find something unfunny to write about it: "One woman even passed out because she was so excited to see him! Well, she actually passed out because of complications from her being a diabetic. Close enough!" [TMZ]
• Here are pictures of Jenna Bush in her Oscar de la Renta wedding dress. Also, sober. [GaySocialites]
• Weird club scene: A newly single Al Reynolds was hitting on women and "drinking all night with his pinky in the air." Sean Combs, in the same establishment, was sitting in the corner reading a book. [P6]
• Meanwhile, in a West Hollywood club, Lindsay Lohan was crying, probably about having to return that fur coat. [P6]
• One-legged Heather Mills promised to buy two artificial legs for a Russian mother and then never paid up, said British friends of the Russian. There are so many puns I could make right now, if I worked at TMZ. [News Of The World]
• People saw Kate Hudson wearing an engagement ring and got very excited, thinking the actress was about to marry fellow crazy Owen Wilson. But it turns out she's just shooting a movie about brides. It's not like you can slip in and out of wardrobe at will. [Us]
• Madonna said the f-word twice at a concert in England and almost exposed her boobs, and people complained, as though that's not what you pay Madonna to do. [Sun]

"Mariah is now able to walk again after she received the help of British couple Robin and Inna Barratt, who launched a fund-raising campaign on her behalf. 'Heather rang us and emailed us repeatedly with promises to pay for Maria’s legs,' Robin tells Britain’s News of The World newspaper. 'But every single promise she made fell flat. In the end, she never did anything at all [...] all her big promises came to nothing. It was shocking behavior.'” [ShowbizSpy]

• Paris Hilton was banned from at least one Hyatt, in Moscow, for scribbling her name on the wall in black marker. But it was for a very important picture of Paris looking hot (at left, via the Sun), so it was totally worth the $9,000 fine. [Sun]
• OJ Simpson would like to appear on Donald Trump's Celebrity Apprentice to create the least appealing television imaginable. [P6]
• Tom Cruise's 13-year-old son Connor will appear in a movie in a bit, non-speaking part with Cruise's Scientology-friendly buddy Will Smith. [AP]
• Heather Mills, former wife of former Beatle Paul McCartney, was allegedly a $20,000 per-night prostitute who acted out lesbian scenes for clients. [Daily Star via Gaunabee]
• Amy Winehouse and her husband were offered $2 million to recount whatever they can actually remember of their drug-adled marriage. [Sun]
• There's official confirmation of the Beyonce/Jay-Z wedding, in case you had been delaying your celebration. [OK!]
• There's supposedly a sex tape of the fiancée of Opie from the radio show Opie & Anthony. The fiancée is said to be shown with Bam Margera of MTV, from before she met Opie. [P6]

• Us reported that Ashlee Simpson was pregnant, as did OK!. An October due date was even floated for the musician's baby. But husband Pete Wentz sent an email to MTV News denying everything and positing a massive conspiracy: "There is a witch hunt for people to be pregnant whenever they get engaged in Hollywood."
• Amy Fisher, meanwhile, happily confirmed she is pregnant, with her third child. [OK!]
• Elizabeth Taylor mixed booze with prescription drugs, began vomiting and couldn't breathe. Her assistant rushed her to the hospital and Taylor went home the same day. All according to the National Enquirer. [Perez]
• Kate Moss, the supermodel who is not banned for life from British Airways, was livid after the airline lost a $20,000 bracelet she bought as a gift for a friend, along with the Louis Vuitton bag it was in. The airline had a disaster of a time trying to open a new terminal at Heathrow last week and an untold number celebrities were inconvenienced and even mortally embarrassed. [Sun]
• Without the stabilizing influence of normal parents like Britney Spears', Lindsay Lohan needs constant monitoring by her best friend to stay out of trouble. [P6]
• Heather Mills convinced Donald Trump to let her help host the Miss USA Pageant despite her extraordinary demands, and was then booed and hissed by audience members. The Paul McCartney ex hailed the appearance as evidence that she is beloved in the U.S. [P6]
• Madonna and Gwyneth Paltrow worked out at the gym together in London. [Splash]

The photos were supposedly taken to "promote her anti-landmine charity work" and a source claims they were never used because of Mills' budding relationship with McCartney. But we believe it had more to do with the fact that they were just incredibly ill-conceived. Were they supposed to go on posters? Well, she's naked, so that wouldn't work. In magazines? She wasn't famous, so no to that. Online for creepy fetishists who want to bone a one-legged lady? Yes, but probably not the demographic you want for your landmine charity.

Now, we don't mean to criticize Mills too much. After all, she's been through experiences most of us will never know firsthand. But someone who can identify with her, Yoko Ono, recently defended Mills to the media, saying, "It's not very easy for a woman to be associated with The Beatles. I think all the wives did suffer, but suffered quietly and endured." Associated with The Beatles? Suffering quietly? Yes, that definitely describes Paul's wife. His wife Linda McCartney. In fact, while attending a recent gallery opening of his real wife's photos (on the tenth anniversary of her tragic death from cancer) Paul said of Linda, "She was so funny, smart and talented." We can only assume these are traits Paul missed while married to a woman who is none of those things. Oh wait, we were supposed to be not criticizing her...

• Mucca bares the lot [News Of The World]

• While in a British courtroom, during her divorce from Paul McCartney, Heather Mills poured a pitcher of water on one of the ex-Beatle's lawyers. The Times has a scandalous courtroom sketch of the whole thing because they shamelessly support sketch-artist-paparazzi. [Times]
• Courtney Love is supposedly moving to London. "I am fed up with Los Angeles. It's dirty and full of crazy people." [HollyScoop]
• Paris Hilton: "I love Africa in general — South Africa and West Africa, they are both great countries." [Sun]
• Fresh off his relationship with ShopVogue's Jessica Joffe, scruffy singer and internet open book Ryan Adams is dating actress Mandy Moore, and they probably hooked up when he was still with Joffe. This totally calls for a poem, Ryan. [NYM]
• French president Nicolas Sarkozy's recent ex was married in New York's Rainbow Room to a PR executive. The night before, everyone went to Mamma Mia. [People]
• Musician Pete Wentz tried to kill himself after recording a major-label record a while back. [Splash]
• Here are pictures of the Hills' Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt wearing bunny ears at Easter. "Could they be any more fake??" [IsThisHappening]
• TV host Tyra Banks has a stalker who carries around a big bag of magazine clippings about her. The scary thing is that she carries around her own, even bigger bag of Tyra Banks clippings. The woman is fierce. [Splash]

The Accused: Yeeeah
The Crime: Sexist, vulgar comments attempting humor and failing miserably.
The Evidence: "Almost any girl with a dick in her mouth could be mistaken for Lindsay Lohan. You could have a police lineup with Lindsay in it, and even you probably wouldn't recognize her at first without some dude's johnson in her yapper." Hey, people at Yeeeah: Noooooo. It's interesting how the posts on this site don't have bylines. What, no one wants to take credit for such captivating writing? Hmm, wonder if the advertisers know they're backing crass and brutal misogyny.
The Sentence: The unnamed editor ought to have his mouth washed out with a Brillo pad and antibacterial soap.

The Accused: Egotastic
The Crime: Pregnant-woman bashing. (So popular right now!)
The Evidence: "Hey, remember when Jessica Alba was hot? You know, before she got all super-pregnant and stuff. Sure Jessica Alba's breasts got bigger, but so did her ass. Anyway, it's nice to be reminded of just how hot Jessica Alba was before getting knocked up, and this photoshoot from the February issue of Gotham Magazine is a nice reminder of that." Raise your hand if you're sick of these guys mocking pregnant women.
The Sentence: Female hormone injections, to render this person plump, smooth and hopefully emotionally confused.

The Accused: The Superficial
The Crime: Equating a divorcée with a whore.
The Evidence: "Wow, so not only did Heather Mills get paid a shitload of cash for having sex with Paul McCartney. She became violent when she wasn't getting paid on her terms. Hmm, I believe there's a word for that also*. What is it again? It's right on the tip of my tongue. Ah, yes: Superhero. *For those of you who caught the gag yesterday, link goes right to Ashley Alexandra Dupre. Read: Heather Mills is a prostitute. And for $48.6 million her vagina better be lined with gold and have its own water park." No matter how you feel about Ms. Mills, she is not a hooker. And neither is any woman seeking divorce settlement. It's just so base, so insulting.
The Sentence: Two months community service singing Beatles songs to amputees.

The Accused: IDontLikeYouInThatWay.com
The Crime: Rape jokes.
The Evidence: "It really bothers me when people put themselves in a position to be accused of rape. Rape should only be used in times of emergency, like when you're on a deserted island. But you're gonna want to make sure it's a tropical island, because studies have shown those to be the most romantic." Joking about sexual violation is not okay.
The Sentence: Banishment to a tropical island inhabited by rape survivors for some Lord Of The Flies-type justice.

Quote of the day: "I am not very good at this blogging shit." — Drunken Stepfather

• OMG Paris Hilton is finally saving African kids with her beautiful love, just like she promised! Oh wait, the kids go to a private school and are wealthy. Paris' way too fashionable clothes don't even look dirty. Nice try, liar. [Faded Youth]
• Singer Britney Spears is going to open her own dance studio, even though she could give the troubled American economy a boost by going insane again. [Perez]
• When not recruiting innocent inner-city kids into Scientology, or aggressively reproducing, model Kimora Lee Simmons is saying insane things about turning her dog into a diamond. There is actually a company that will do that, probably almost entirely for crazy rich celebrities. [Hollyscoop]
• A lady was almost killed by crazed, stampeding Oprah Winfrey fans, who pushed her down some stairs. Everyone was scrambling for a seat on the show. This can't be a rare occurrence. [TMZ]
• Heather Mills, Beatle Paul McCartney's ex wife, is hated by the entire population of the British isles, judging by the no-doubt-objective tabloid coverage of her. The heartless monster's latest outrage is sending her four-year-old daughter on an airplane flight in the back of the plane instead of first class. [Sun]
• Actress Tori Spelling is eager to relive her 90210 days. "Maybe I could be one of the main character's young step mom." [People]
• Actress Lindsay Lohan is rushing to her ailing grandfather via private jet. [E Online]

• Singer Paul McCartney's ex Heather Mills was awarded $49 million after four years of marriage. The blog Knife Tricks estimates that's $43,000 per screw — way, way more than so-called-high-priced whore Ashley Dupre ever charged. Apparently Mills wanted even more.
• Ex-Beatle McCartney can pay since he basically sweats hundred-dollar bills — he's worth around 387 million pounds, which is like a billion trillion worthless American dollars. [Sun]
• Do NOT ask Lindsay Lohan to pose in front of Paris Hilton accessories! The Mean Girls star and Hilton rival will throw a "fit." [Daily News]
• Do NOT compare Sarah Jessica Parker to a horse and call her the unsexiest woman in the world! The Sex and the City star will fill with rage and anger. Her husband Matthew Broderick will question his sexuality. [P6]
• Like gullible actor Will Smith, talk show host Oprah Winfrey does not mind financial involvement with crazy Scientologists: She signed a deal with TV star Kirstie Alley and might give Alley her own show. Might? Is Alley going to produce, like, a poignant and unexpected Founding Father biopic instead?
• Singer Britney Spears in How I Met Your Mother TV cameo: "Can’t we have sex and then go shopping?" Ironic because: Spears ex Adnan Ghlaib now saying he never had sex with Spears, pitied her. [Sun]
• Spears is back into Kabbalah, allegedly. [X17]
• Singer-junkie Amy Winehouse was offered either $1 million or one million pounds to perform in front of Vogue editor Anna Wintour and movie stars George Clooney and Julia Roberts at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. Or she wasn't.
• Halle Berry's baby daughter is called Nahla Ariela Aubry. Nahla is an Arabic-derived word meaning "honeybee." In modern English it means "destined to be so very hot." [P6]
• Model Kate Moss licked her rocker boyfriend's neck and stuffed a bottle of wine in her handbag after a "boozy" lunch. Paris is awesome. [Sun]

• Why are Ashley Olsen and Lance Armstrong parading their PDAs around the town's hotspots? Although! Page Six says they were dining at Waverly Inn together on Tuesday—but the photographic evidence says that Ashley was actually dining with Sting, Slash and Stephen Fry. No Lance shows up in the paparazzi photos. [Page Six, Image: Splash Photos]
  
• Alleged oil heir Brandon Davis is in town; please avoid the greasy wingnut on your travels. [Rush & Molloy]
  
• Heather Mills owes $3 million in legal bills so far in her endless divorce from Paul McCartney and says they're going to kill her just like they killed Princess Di. Oh sugar no! Also she is tired of being called a whore and a gold digger. Well, ya gotta spend money to make money! (Um, whore!) [Page Six, Gatecrasher]