TheHonJudgeSmails' new line beats the original, This Picture Almost Defies Captioning

The gears started turning when Heidigger, Heidi's prodigal older sister—now back living in LA after an indeterminate time spent banished in Crested Butte or whatever—expressed an interest in seeing her old friend Lauren, now Heidi's wistful arch nemesis. Spencer forbade Heidigger so see LC, but something in the chipper (and Daler) faced young lady suggested that she may go—daringly!—behind her younger sister's fake boyfriend's back and rekindle the connection.

And so they did, meeting for lunch at some sort of "bistro place," talking about old times and how they used to be the Three Musketeers. Which is sort of true. Dissatisfying, poop-like bars of nougat that are tossed aside from a child's Halloween bounty like so many Zagnuts. Lauren expressed some temerity about embarking on friendsies 2.0, because she didn't want to drive a wedge between the Sisters Rosenmontag, as she did with Spencer and his dim sister Spencerina. Lessons learned, LC! This is what the show is all about!

Meanwhile Audrina, charged with packing an LA coming-out party for some silly, whiny band called The White Tie Affair (do you get it?), invited her oft bobbing and swaying man friend Justin Bobby. He seemed reluctant to attend, but said he would for her. Of course, the party rolls around and he didn't show. Audy smiled in that softly devastating way that she does, years of disappointment and time spent in the shadows streaking, however fleetingly, across her face. At least Lauren and Lo and Spencerina came, jamming along to the band and flirting with its pierced-nippled members at the poolside after party.

And then, in the end, it came back to Heidi and Lauren. Heidi spoke with Heidigger about the past and her hope for the future. "Maybe by some miracle," Heidi hoped, they could be friends again. Lauren chatted with Spencerina (at their computer class!) and said that she didn't want Heidi to get her hopes up (oh you wicked editors). But when Spencerina asked if Lauren missed her old friend, LC made a face bordering on a genuine seriousness, a sudden realization of time's relentlessly ever-churning wheels. She said she did. And then the music swelled and the same sun swirled somewhere above both of them and it seemed for a moment that there was reason to hope still.

But the "scenes from the next" didn't show any Heidi/Lauren reconnection, just some nonsense about Spencerina going out with Doug the Frozen Burrito Heir. Perhaps the producers are keeping that storied reunion in their back pocket, in case this is the last season of the show. For now we'll have to wait and, like so many moments spent at that age, wildly wonder.

• Joe Francis, the Girls Gone Wild scuzz, has for some reason hired as his personal assistant Holly Montag, sister of the actress Heidi Montag. He reports she is "probably the best assistant I have ever had," by which he means she waited for him to get out of prison and greatly increases the chances he will score some sort of reality television deal. [P6]
• Chace Crawford of Gossip Girl is supposedly trying to get into the pants — sorry, "cozy up" to — Amanda Hearst, the heiress. [P6]
• On 30 Rock, Jennifer Aniston will play a "free spirited stalker," a role that makes about as much sense as "John Mayer's wife forever." Her character will at least have the good taste to become obsessed with Jack Donaghy, like the rest of us. [Us]
• Lindsay Lohan posted "ILY" to "SR" on her MySpace page, and people specially trained in journalism used their investigative skills to determine this was an "I Love You" to "Samantha Ronson." Then they told the WORLD. [Sun]
• Britney Spears thanks her conservator: "My father saved my life." [Showbiz Spy]

It's in Murray Hill (hills! the world is full of amazing connections!), whose state flower is the blue button-up shirt and official drink is the Totally Fucked Up, Man slinger. As Heidi is exactly as sexy as an unclothed Barbie doll, expect lots of hot girls and cool-as-Spencer dudes to frequent the joint. [W]

• Madonna probably helped John McCain a bit by showing a video of him alongside images of Hitler, Robert Mugabe, starving children and global warming. Obama was depicted as Gandhi and John Lennon. Luckily for Obama this video has not yet been shown in the U.S. [Times]
• The creator of Gossip Girl hates how the CW is advertising Gossip Girl. [New York]
• After breaking up with fellow billion-heiress Courtenay Semel, Casey Johnson took a "really hot brunette" named Lisa to a party in honor of Kathie Lee Gifford. Both women wore skimpy S&M-themed outfits, which were deemed "inappropriate" because they were more edgy than what Regis Philbin was wearing. Well then! [P6]
• Lindsay Lohan and her girlfriend Samantha Ronson went baby clothes shopping. [R&M]
• Due to her 8,000 children, Angelina Jolie can get more free money from the French government than many Americans earn through actual physical labor. Or so says an English tabloid. [Sun]
• Jennifer Aniston's ex is maybe engaged to Cameron Diaz, who used to date Aniston's ex, John Mayer. Mayer, meanwhile, can't get any attention from the paparazzi now that he's not attached to Aniston.
• Heidi Montag is dressing up as Olivia Newton John to sell her terrible music. [Hot Or Not]
• TV chef Jamie Oliver, whose books include a recipe for a bacon sandwich just perfect after a long night at the pub, slammed the Brits as people who would rather get drunk than eat well. [Mail]

There was, like any good Chekhov play, a party. Lauren, our reluctant and vaguely sad hero, threw a rocker-attended birthday blowout for her cabana-banished roommate Audrina. She had hoped it would put the friendship back on track, but as always Lo was a Maleficent-level bitch and holed up in her room and then hah! blamed Audrina for not making any effort in the faux friendship (see above clip). Lauren then looked sad and went on a date with a guy named Doug ("...Douggg...") who my sources tell me is the heir to a frozen burrito fortune. No fucking joke. Frozen burritos.

Meanwhile in the cartoonish world of Heidi and Spencer, the Piaf-esque singer had her might-as-well-not-have-a-name-she's-so-useless (on the show! she is a real person with feelings!) sister over for an extended visit. Ol' Fleshbeard was none too happy about it, because... well, it wasn't exactly clear what his problem was. Shared airtime? A worry that his sister, Spencerina, might have to cede some coverage? I'm sure we'll see the conflict explored further, because the buckiest Montag ominously intoned that she'd like to move to LA because she had nothing going on back in Colorado (what about the skiing and mega churchgoing???) and Heidi turned to the producers and made sure it was OK and then said it sounded like a good idea.

If something else happened, I don't remember. I guess Whitney made some spot-on facial expressions and Justin Bobby looked pretty decent with his short hair and did I mention the frozen burrito heir? My sister called me right after and declared that, based on the scenes-from-the-next, it was going to be a good season. I agreed and we chatted for a moment, but when I hung up I realized that I had no idea what actually looked "good" about this season. I couldn't remember anything in particular, but I did feel that way at the time. And I'm not sure why. It's a mystery I'll be unpacking for months, if not years, I'm sure.

In the meantime I'll grudgingly watch—pen in my hand, ending unplanned.

• Paris Hilton either added implants to "her A-cup" breasts or wants to spread gossip that she did so she can sell her stupid "push-up" bra. (Yes, you can click the thumb if you need a closer look. Yes, you will feel dirty. But don't you kinda feel that way already?) [P6]
• Graydon Carter's wife Anna gave birth to a baby girl, Isabella Rose Carter, who can already get better reservations and invitations than you. [P6]
• Oppressive Hollywood people will not let Danny Glover make a movie funded by beacon of tolerance Hugo Chavez. [P6]
• Heath Ledger's daughter Matilda will receive money otherwise destined to the actors who completed Heath Ledger's turn in Terry Gilliam's The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus. Johnny Depp, Jude Law and Colin Farrell are all donating their proceeds from the movie. [Fox]
• Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt plan to marry on live TV and also wrest the Hills from Lauren Conrad.

Pacific Coast News reports: "Heidi and her newest BFF, Meghan McCain, were spotted lunching at Ivy on the Shore in Santa Monica today. Just the intimate two of them."

Then they didn't have any cash for the valet so the paparazzi had to give them some. That's change you can believe in.

• Charlie Sheen is sorry to black people for calling his ex-wife Denise Richards a "f—king n—--r." He's especially sorry to "Tony Todd, an African-American, who was my best man at my first two weddings." Ha! Richards, with whom Sheen has been bitterly feuding, doesn't get an apology, and can presumably just "f—king" deal. [Us]
• Yesterday, everyone was worried fashiongay Andre Leon Talley would ruin Michelle Obama by putting her in a bolero jacket or some other atrocious thing. He hasn't done that yet. Instead, the Vogue editor-at-large introduced the would-be first lady at a fashion-industry fundraiser while he was wearing "a kind of turban that recalled the much-discussed costume [Barack Obama] once wore in Somalia." No one should have a problem with Obama hanging out with what looks like a gay muslim, even an elitist gay fashion muslim in New York, so obviously no one, anywhere, will. [R&M]
• Not only did Anne Hathaway break up with her scuzzy Italian boyfriend, she also moved out. Yay! But what's this business about dinner at Cipriani? [P6]
• Relentlessly cranky novelist Tom Wolfe demanded to know why a developer insinuated he was anti-Semitic. OK, this time he might have a legitimate reason to be cranky. [P6]
• Broadway and former TV star Mario Lopez is being named People's "Hottest Bachelor," but he's still totally getting evicted from his Broadway theater to make way for Katie Holmes. The guy's biceps can't catch a break.
• Supposedly Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt just bought a $10,000 stash of guns, including "two Benelli semiautomatic M4 tactical shotguns, two Wilson close quarter combat .45-caliber pistols and one Scout semiautomatic rifle." Suddenly, I'm kind of interested in seeing them in front of some reality television cameras again. Near other reality television stars. While drunk and angry. [The Superficial]
• So sad: Freeloading music critics get free drinks, but no free food, at a listening party. They stormed out in a huff, logically. [P6]
• The mother of 50 Cent's 11-year-old son claims the rapper burned down her Long Island mansion. He claims she totally monitors his cell-phone conversations with the son. Call it a draw? [R&M]

The Starlet: Heidi Montag, "Out Loud 'n Proud"
The Endorsement: "I'm a Republican, and he has a lot of experience."
The Effect: Not much, except for clueless old man hilarity. When asked about the Hills star's endorsement, McCain claimed to be a big fan of Montag and her show, calling her "a very talented actress." Heidi later showed up at the White House Correspondents' Dinner, further embarrassing politics.

The Starlet: Lauren Conrad, "Secret Republican?"
The Endorsement: Not exactly clear cut. After costar Heidi's earthshaking declaration, Conrad was pressed to throw her support behind a candidate. She officially said "no comment," (though she did speak up about her support for gay marriage). But, at the White House Correspondents' Dinner (yes, she was there too) she reportedly clapped loudly when emcee Craig Ferguson asked if he should vote Republican, then did a little crinkle frown when he asked if he should go Democrat.
The Effect: McCain has not yet acknowledged this tacit endorsement, so her effect on his morale and vote corralling is yet unknown. She has managed, though, to further embarrass politics.

The Starlet: Leven Rambin, "The One Who Likes Funny Things"
The Endorsement: Having just recently become a legal voter (and approved sexual being) when she turned 18, the soap star/socialite's thoughts have naturally turned to politics. Which candidate, after much thorough research and contemplation, has she allied with? McCain of course, because the old timer mumbled and yukked his way into her heart with his recent SNL appearance. She called him "shockingly coherent and comical" in a little blog post.
The Effect: None yet! Though, we can only imagine that McCain will benefit from being called "shockingly coherent and comical," as that never describes people who are old. Also, we suspect, Rambin has further embarrassed politics.

So, there you have it. McCain (the last living Civil War widow) is skewing big in the famous-for-no-reason starlet demo. All he needs now are a few American Gladiators and a Canadian to endorse him and he's looking at a smooth ride to the White House.

Actually, it's here.

They won over Min when she saw Speidi-related web traffic rise and rise. "That's when I thought, 'You know what? Let's just take a risk on these people,'" she says. And it's done wonders for Us. Janice must love them! And they love her too:

"Janice Min at Us Weekly is like a family member to us," Spencer said. "We love her. If my mom and her are e-mailing me at the same time, I'm like, 'Uh, Janice or my mom?' "

And the couple just keeps dreaming bigger and bigger. Heidi would like to keep pursuing her music, hoping to be "as big as Britney Spears and Madonna" one day. Spencer just wants to make money and be famous and maybe have his own reality show. And they both feel they deserve it. After all, what they do is hard work. Sort of:

"No celebrity does anything, really," Spencer said. "Unless you're a famous athlete who actually physically does something, like, how much work is reading lines from a script? We're improv TV personalities. That's way harder."

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt: "We're entertainers" [LAT]

At the 4/30 after party for film "Harold" that premiered at Tribeca.. spoke with Rachel Dratch. So friendly. Cuter in person but still gargoyle like. She misses SNL and when I suggested she go back and host she said "Please tell Lorne that"

met Nikki Blonski, super nice. Very chubby and very short. She sat in a corner booth with her friends from home. When she introduced herself to Heidi Montag...Heidi had no idea who she was. Embarrassing.

Spencer Breslin- so short and so cute

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt, ew ew ew. Heidi had awful skin covered up by pounds of foundation. The blond and overly tan couple looked ridiculously out of place. Spencer literally shooed away reporters and at one point had a PR rep ask some girls to stop starring at Heidi and they were told to go to another part of the club. The audacity! Since Spencer and Heidi hate people looking at them?! Note: They did not even see the film Harold! Pathetic.

Ally Sheedy- She has not aged well. Her body is tiny and very muscular but her face has some serious wrinkles.

Later that night at the Waverly.... Valentino, Maroon 5, Leonardo DiCaprio, John Leguizamo- Much shorter than I had thought! All in all a good night.

Send your sightings to stalker@gawker.com.

SheLaughs' new line beats the original, Tiny Hot Pocket, Fresh From the Microwave.

Chaim_Gnadelstein's new line beats the original, George H.W. Bush Once Again Throws Up.

...they managed to snag a last-minute seat at Fortune magazine's table.

And, of course, the fame-hungry duo from MTV's The Hills spent the night snaking their way through the DC after-parties. They hit the Bloomberg LP soirée at the embassy of Costa Rica, which was such a disaster, half the invitees couldn't get in.

Fortune? Bloomberg LP? Wait, neither of you is talking to Rupert Murdoch's Fox Business or Wall Street Journal, right? Please tell me I'm right.

[Page Six]

Janice Min will come to regret this: Her Us Weekly has named Lauren Conrad "Celebrity Designer Of The Year" as part of a special section called "Us Hot Hollywood Style Winners." (Click the picture at left for a full-sized image, courtesy Bryanboy.) Wow. Well, that's, uh, bold. Because the critics have not been kind to the Hills star's work. New York called her Lauren Conrad Collection "tragique." When Bryanboy saw the Us spread, Marc Jacobs' favorite gay Filipino fashion blogger barfed. Well, haters, Us wrote that Conrad has "won... a wide array of fans," so there. Their source? Oh, that would be Conrad herself, repeating something someone else told her:

"I was just with a stylist who said she has dressed a couple of celebrities in my pieces," Conrad said.

Examples? None are given, or pictured with the piece.

But, hey, there is a photo caption with this quote:

"She did a great job!" proud pal Audrina Patridge tells Us of Conrad's March runway show.

[Bryanboy]

They got a hold of an email from Courtney Hazlett, a columnist for msnbc.com's the Scoop, that blatantly mentions Heidi's invite, saying "Heidi, if you are indeed going to attend as our guest. I need to know in the next couple hours." So yeah, that's pretty clear. A rep for MSNBC says that it was, of course, the Post's fault. According to MSNBC, when Page 6 was originally reporting on the whole kerfuffle, they spoke to someone at MSNBC TV, not msnbc.com, who were the ones who actually invited Heidi along. Oh what clever semantics! It's hard to believe that no one in the TV division would be aware that America's greatest unnatural resource had been invited to such an austere event (dignitaries Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson will be in attendance) by their internet colleagues. Believe you me, if someone at Gizmodo was going out to lunch with Heidi Montag, I would know all about it. That's happening soon, right Brian Lam? [Radar]

It was bad. So bad. To Montag's credit, she trumpets Heidiwood's prices of $10 to $60 for any given item — compared to the triple-digit tags on L.C.'s line, that's a sure sign that she at least she understands her demographic. And yet everything we saw still gave us sticker shock. Paper-thin tanks for $27? Flimsy, panty-line-molesting dresses at nearly 40 bucks? Sure, that's a steal compared to Marc Jacobs, but not far enough removed from what you'd pay at the Gap for something that's at least 100 percent cotton and unlikely to give you a rash. When $37 seems exorbitant for a dress, you know you've got problems. In fact, it cemented our suspicion that Heidi is turning into Paris 2.0: terrible singer, lame boyfriends, famous mostly for on-camera pouting, and excessively eager to merchandise herself, regardless of actual quality. Luckily, it's possible no one else is interested. Not only were we alone in visiting Heidiwood, we were the sole shoppers at that Anchor Blue, period, exposing us to the naked curiosity of the employees. "Are you a ... fan of Heidi?" one of them asked.

I just saw Speidi outside the Sony building on Madison and 55th. They had clearly tipped off the dozen + paparazzi to their own arrival as the photogs usually are not hanging around in midtown. Spencer was wearing a suit in a desperate attempt to blend in with the other productive members of society but Heidi was wearing a purple minidress, aqua heels, and leather jacket channeling Julia Robert in Pretty Woman, pre-makeover.

Send your Manhattan sightings to stalker@gawker.com and include the a/s/l time/date/loc so we can map it.

• Game over, Scientology wins, they have Pete Doherty and Sumner Redstone. Viacom chairman Redstone hasn't actually converted but did have lunch with Scientology bigshot Tom Cruise, probably canceling in his area a personal and business rift with the actor and paving the way for more sweet Mission Impossible money. Doherty has been reading up on the religion and shacking up with a Scientologist DJ who probably hasn't yet mentioned the religion's stance on psychoactive drugs.
• Accidental gay porno fan (and singer) John Mayer posted a long rambly blog "about a young guy who maintains a celebrity blog... who has wrestled with a lifelong battle for acceptance as a gay man." Then, mercifully, "I'm going quiet now." [JohnMayer.com]
• Star overlord Bonnie Fuller said singer Britney Spears' parents are "pimps" who treat their daughters like "cash registers" and "bank machines." To back this up, the American Media editorial director has both an anonymous quote and a book-plugging psychiatrist. Air. Tight. [HuffPo]
• There's talk of a Hills movie. Well, of course there is. The question is, have they stockpiled enough stares. [MTV]
• Hills stars Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt "work on their relationship" by going to Vegas and staying in different rooms, in different hotels and barely talking. Actually, that is seriously a dream vacation for some couples. [People]
• Atress Lindsay Lohan will play a member of the Manson family. [E! Online]
• She's supposedly jetting off to rehab soon, but singer Amy Winehouse still can't manage to get to the jail on time to visit her husband. [Sun]

• Singer Britney Spears, said to be worth around $50 million, has become steadily more sane since her father was placed in control of her finances and other affairs several weeks ago. She parted ways with hanger-on ex-paparazzo Adnan Ghalib and earned the right to see her children more often. Apparently her father is compensated at $2,500 per week for his oversight, and the many tabloids that make money off Spears insanity are incredulous. So is comedian Rosie O'Donnell, who wrote in her Web Q&A forum that Spears' dad's high pay has become "the problem." Apparently these people have never priced rehab, or done some simple math on the scale of Spears' image problem.
• Singer John Mayer wrote the sweetest song while at the airport. It starts, "Dear Ex Lover, Perhaps you didn't understand the last time I told you to stop contacting me, so I'll do my best to spell it out for you." It just gets even more tender from there, if you can imagine that. [Mayer blog via Perez]
• Jerry Seinfeld's pitch for his new network show: "Just like Curb Your Enthusiasm, but with Jerry, instead of Larry [David]." Curb Your Enthusiasm, of course, was like a slightly more improvised version of Seinfeld, but with Larry David instead of Jerry Seinfeld. Just admit you want your old show back, Jerry. [P6]
• American Idol Season One star Nikki McKibbin had a Feb. 21 breakdown in the wake of weak album sales, her mother's August death and abuse of migraine medicine. [Star]
• Posh Spice at last gets her Vogue cover, but notice only after the Spice Girls finally promised to finally just stop existing.
• Irish actor Colin Farrell told off by boyfriend of model Meghan Lowther at the Rose Bar in Gramercy Park Hotel. "You tried. Now get out of here." [P6]
• Sad: Harvey Weinstein wants a meeting with novelist Linda Fairstein, so she makes swanky reservations at a Midtown restaurant and alets the maitre d' about exactly who is coming. Turns out, it is Harvey Weinstein all right — the "octogenarian tuxedo manufacturer" who just loves her books. [P6]
• Another girl got between Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt of "the Hills." Shocker! [Us]
• Kelly Rowan of "The O.C." is being kept hidden away by a reclusive Canadian billionaire, who doesn't like media attention. If you read between the lines in this item, it's like she's sending coded messages just begging some brave paparazzo to come rescue her. [P6]
• Actor Will Smith is hosting world icon Nelson Mandela's 90th birthday party in London. [Sun]
• Actor Patrick Swayze maybe not really going back to work, because he dropped out of a gay role in this one comedy flick. [OK!]
• Actress Natalie Portman on Hillary Clinton: "A lot of the stuff people say about her, I hear it and my stomach falls because it's so sexist... You ask people why they don't like her and it's because her husband cheated on her! That was obviously not her choice." [Us]