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Ikea Is the Disney World of China
A Decade of Truth From the Weekly World News
Fashion Meets Finance, Is Bored
Hell Waiting for You
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Ships of Fools
The New York Weekend From Hell
Hell Is Other People's Penises With Drugs On Them
Hell House Harshes Hipsters

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DeadliestSin
08/25/09

In reply to Ikea Is the Disney World of China
Don't buy the beds if you ever plan on having sex. In the bed. Ever.
Breaking the slats and having your mattress fall the floor mid-coitus... not cool.
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eeeradicator
08/25/09

In reply to Ikea Is the Disney World of China
At the newest Ikea in Japan, you must keep your shoes on when testing beds. Unlike the rest of the country. And the long hotdog is called the Ninja dog. On a related note, people bring their friggin pets with them. We saw a dog fight in the office chair section. It was surreal, like something from a B horror movie.
On the plus side, it is one of the rare places in Saitama with multilingual staff, and not just English speakers. But the goddamn lockers never work for me. And they pronounce it E-K-AH.
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snugbug
08/26/09

@eeeradicator: "Showroom Armoire Dogs," written and directed by Quentin Tarantino--brilliant!

/iː/-KEH-ah is how it'a pronounced in the Swedish mother tongue and pretty much any other language except English.
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nathanst
08/25/09

In reply to Ikea Is the Disney World of China
YES CHINA, IMAGINE THE POSSIBILITIES

Welcome to Western style consumerism. BUY TO FILL THE VOID IN YOUR SOUL

BUY

BUY

BUY

YAY

*6 hours later*

"Why did I buy all of this crap? Ugh."
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Edited by nathanst at 08/25/09 5:22 PM nathanst was starred nathanst was unstarred

Uncle_Billy_Slumming
08/25/09

In reply to Ikea Is the Disney World of China
I have this urge to go count the number of IKEA products at Ingvar Kamprad's house.
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snugbug
08/25/09

@Uncle_Billy_Slumming: This snugglebug of a capitalist overlord could melt even the hearts of WTO protesters.
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Uncle_Billy_Slumming
08/25/09

@snugbug:

Nealy the same taste in glasses
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CherHorrorwitz
08/25/09

In reply to Ikea Is the Disney World of China
The IKEA in Athens is Disneyland with Smoking. People are insane for it in Europe, and maybe it's my Euro-dementia from living here for 2 years, but...their European stuff is actually really nice. The cookware is awesome.
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Forgetitjake
08/25/09

@CherHorrorwitz:
Cookware, yes; some of the toys are cute, too. I am living a lie when I hate on Ikea. I just redid my kitchen in Ikea and now I'm in the middle of disassembling, dusting and moving about 80 bookshelf-metres of Ivar. -- Still, Scandinavian family living = dorm room, and for many of the same reasons as dorm room = dorm room.
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DahlELama
08/25/09

In reply to Ikea Is the Disney World of China
I've never been to IKEA, but I have enjoyed the downstairs of the Urban Outfitters on 72nd Street on multiple occasions, so I feel I cannot judge.
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tigolbitties
08/25/09

@DahlELama: how exactly have you enjoyed the downstairs?!?!
(p.s. can you, or anyone else, share how to do italics and other nifty things? thanks!)
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snugbug
08/25/09

@tigolbitties: Glad to be of servicey!
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DahlELama
08/25/09

@tigolbitties: I would really, really like to have a sexy story to put here, but really, I just used to sit on the chairs and occasionally play hide-and-seek with friends. I don't know if the fact that we were in high school makes this better or worse.

I'll PM you re: italics. Hopefully someone else can fill you in on everything more advanced than that.
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Conchie Birdie
08/25/09

@tigolbitties: Here you go friend: [www.tizag.com]
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tigolbitties
08/25/09

@snugbug: @DahlELama: @Conchie Birdie: thank you very much!!! i'm going to be an italicizing fool!!!!
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Conchie Birdie
08/25/09

@tigolbitties: If this means you will also use numerous commas, I will heart you forever.
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Forgetitjake
08/25/09

In reply to Ikea Is the Disney World of China
Speaking of extreme, bizarre and soulless: they do this in Scandinavia, you know.
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Rhymenocerous
08/25/09

In reply to Ikea Is the Disney World of China
Outdoors - ha! Have you ever been to Beijing? Everyone forsakes the outdoors, in the interest of being able to breathe. Hanging out in Ikea is a symptom, not the problem.
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hamburgerhotdog
08/25/09

In reply to Ikea Is the Disney World of China
Have you been to Secaucus on a Friday night? People do it there as well. It's like, My Fantasy House playset - you let the kids run around, mess it up, and then leave.
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Botswana Meat Commission FC
08/25/09

In reply to Ikea Is the Disney World of China
The cool kids hang out by the ligonberry soda dispenser.
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tigolbitties
08/25/09

@Botswana Meat Commission FC: while checking out each others' balls?
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BullfightsOnAcid
08/25/09

In reply to Ikea Is the Disney World of China
Is that any different than spending all day and night at the Lusty Lady? That is, until I run out of quarters.
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snugbug
08/25/09

In reply to Ikea Is the Disney World of China
I have a confession, too: I made a pilgrimage to the IKEA MOTHERSHIP. The original store flagship, which is a few miles out of the city of Stockholm, in a suburb. You take this little free IKEA bus to the destination--and what world of wonders awaits you upon arrival!

They have a lot of exclusive products that you cannot get at the IKEA in Burbank, for example. Such as: a collection of finger puppets that represent members of the Swedish royal family; artisanal toy horses made of wood, which for some mysterious reason are embellished with the word "mama!" on their shanks. Both items made excellent gifts for the loved ones at home.
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meechybee
08/25/09

@snugbug: Am. So. Jealous. I wanted to go the last time I was in Stockholm but the specter of trying to fit a couch into my overhead luggage was too daunting.

(FYI, the horses are Dala horses, a traditional swedish craft that started as handmade toys. Would love to know if there were made in China or Sweden as there is a huge debate about outsourcing such a national craft.)
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iplaudius
08/25/09

@snugbug: I went there too! And to the Ikea stores in London and Prague. This was years ago, and I have a good explanations for this confession. In Stockholm, I was with a Swedish friend who was college-aged and buying cheap shit for his new apartment. In London and Prague, I was with Swedish people who required food items that they could easily find in the little market inside the store. (Nothing like cheap caviar in a tube, I guess, to be spread on rye crostini, for breakfast no less.)
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Unsolicited Advice
08/25/09

In reply to Ikea Is the Disney World of China
I'm going to assume that this is all just an elaborate, belated music video for The Faint's "Agenda Suicide."
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Niko Bellic
08/25/09

In reply to Ikea Is the Disney World of China
When dealing with the most extreme and bizarre practices of foreign cultures, it's often best not to judge.

True. I'd rather deal with lounging at IKEA than with female genital mutilation this afternoon.
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Spirit Fingers
08/25/09

In reply to Ikea Is the Disney World of China
Oh, geez. Um, IKEA and I...uh, there are problems. Let's begin shall we?

1) They literally hold you hostage. Seriously. You can not leave this store without seeing every damnable thing they sell. Yes. The exits are hidden. There is only one way out and one way in. How do you know those people sleeping haven't been lost for days?! You don't. You just don't. Even with the map, you must pass beds that are two inches off the ground, sofas made of burlap and fish-tackle twine, entertainment units called the BJÖRKAPOÖN, and silicone spatulas you don't need, ever, before reaching the cavern of checkout littered with $2.00 plates, donkey-monkey hats for the kids made from organic wasabi peas, and yes, papaya candles. Leaving is futile, staying is anarchy.

2) If you end up buying any of this kitschy, will break imminently 60 days after purchase, crap-crud, you'll be happy to note there are no words in the instructions. Nope. Just a Fraggle Rock worker-Doozer illustration with a hard hat, that indicates with damn near emoticons how you should put together the 200 pound ottoman you just hurl-heaved into the back of your car. Nice that you must decipher some sort of Swedish hieroglyphics in order to make the suck-awful thing function.

3) IKEA is a sure way to spend 5 hours you don't have, $500 you didn't budget for, and 5 tight-lipped arguments with whoever you con into coming with you over the uselessness of wicker Q-tip holders, ultimately destroying your happiness because no one can sustain joy when the Swedish concentration camp has its way with you.
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Mike Byhoff
08/25/09

@Spirit Fingers: But the meatballs!
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momof3wildkids
08/25/09

@Spirit Fingers: I agree with everything you said except about the breakage part. 10 hours tops before whatever it is you bought breaks -- assuming that you have all the parts you need to assemble the pressboard disaster you purchased.

The food is vile and no reason to visit the store. You'd be better off dumpster diving than eating that swill. Nasty.
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Spirit Fingers
08/25/09

@Mikey-B: Damn the meatballs! They're sucker bait! For the weak-minded. Lure you with saucy meat and expect a payout. Satan dealers!
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Spirit Fingers
08/25/09

@momof3wildkids: Oh, but you can return to the store and request all the wooden screws you could ever want or need. See how easy it is. Bah! They think we're stupid! (We are.)
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snugbug
08/25/09

@Mikey-B: I'm endlessly entertained by how EVERYTHING has a Swedish name. I imagine these Swedish marketing people brainstorming for days--"Say, what should we call this gas cooktop? "DÅTID"! How about this chew toy? "BARNSLIG KROKODIL"! High five!"

One day though, they will have exhausted the entire Swedish vocabulary and then.. doom.
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lobstr
08/25/09

@Spirit Fingers: I have found the instruction cartoons to be more akin to that creepy "Love is..." thing with those two naked children..
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Thistledew
08/25/09

@Spirit Fingers: You forgot the part where any sort of social relationship you had with the person helping you assemble your IKEA furniture will be ruined beyond repair. I wonder how many divorces have resulted from trying to assemble malms.
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Conchie Birdie
08/25/09

@Spirit Fingers: I've found that I have a bajillion great ideas to makeover my home while I'm walking around in that maze... but then I get to the end of the maze and realize I'm going to have to haul an exorbitant amount of various shaped boxes home. Then I think of the amount of blood, sweat and tears it took me to put together my sweet 4-square glass (don't remember the weird name of the collection) coffee table and I immediately buy something that I don't really need (like this lantern that I can't use because the wax hardened into stone over the candle holder part) but feel as though its the only way they'll allow me back out into the fresh air.
Seriously, that's how I think.
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lionel-mandrake
08/25/09

@Thistledew: While I've had many wonderful pieces of Ikea furniture, some of which have been very long-lived, my first marriage officially began it's long unfolding disintegration after an ill-advised Sunday trip to the Elizabeth NJ location. I am not kidding. It was the genesis of a two year argument between my wife and I that ended when I moved out.
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CherriSpryte
08/25/09

@snugbug: I - I hate that I know this, but - I read somewhere that the guy who founded Ikea is dyslexic, so he started naming all the furniture after towns and places to avoid having to mix up piece # 2342 with #2432.... and apparently, if one speaks Swedish, some of the names make sense. And some are adorable: [www.ikea.com]
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Spirit Fingers
08/25/09

@lionel-mandrake: and @Thistledew: That is truly horrible, but not unexpected given the complete breakdown of communication that can be caused by a day at IKEA. At some point you are so frustrated with the maze, the names, and the little, goofy shit, they place all over the store like some wind-tunnel of rip-off nirvana, that all that's left is an uncomfortable ride home while swearing to never come back. Yet, you'll need the person who you currently can't stand (because you were almost out of there until they saw ice cream cones for a dollar, and then that triggered a search for track lighting) to help you put together all the crap you'll need a rubber mallet for later. Fascists.

This has happened to me and each time I end up with a picture frame, tea light candles and a Malm dresser, minimally.
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aLostLady
08/25/09

@snugbug: Get this: cigarettfimp means BUTT! Oh, Swedes! So delightful.
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Miss Anita Manbadly
08/25/09

@Spirit Fingers: Thank you. I haven't gone to the Ikea that's 2 miles from my home because I'm scared that I'm going to have multiple servings of the meatballs and lingonberry sauce and will enter a food coma during which I completely re-furniture my house. In fact, I've never been to an Ikea, for that very reason.
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