This is, obviously, the Washington version of a "rumor." The New York phrase for it is "some speculative shit someone said while drunk, probably at a terrible party."

The New York media version would be, like, some drunk blogger at Tom & Jerry's saying, "I bet Michael Wolff is going to buy the New York Press and turn it into a glossy wedding magazine." Not something with much of a chance of happening, but, you know, it's not outside the realm of possibility, if you are the sort of person who spends a lot of time thinking about these people.

Anyway. Hillary Clinton is not going to replace Smilin' Joe Biden on the ticket.

[Between Clinton, Jill Biden, and her shifty husband Joe, no one is looking in the same direction, but still there are no flaws in sight. Image via Getty]

First of all: two awesome TV ads. Governor Paterson looks so much more professional clean-shaven, right? We miss the mustache though. The first ad is all "I never asked to be governor and also I have too won some political victories" and the second one is mostly "look, you don't actually know anything about this man, so we will tell you that he was very smart and went to Columbia and stuff."

But why TV ads, now? Because he would like to raise money. And you have to spend campaign money to make money.

Ickes was, maybe, the most reality-based of the triumvirate of assholes who destroyed Hillary Clinton's dreams, but he was also the guy still running around in June of 2008 crowing about how superdelegates and his magical maps of Michigan meant certain victory for the White Lady of Experience.

Still: he was and is not Mark Penn. For the most part, Paterson has hired the Good Clinton People, leaving the Bad Clinton People to Bloomberg and evil PR firms and the Wall Street Journal and little talking head boxes on Fox News.

Meanwhile, the Governor is preparing to push for gay marriage again. And it will fail, spectacularly. This is maybe a smart way to point out how evil and useless everyone else in Albany is, and how that is not even the governor's fault, or it is maybe just him trying to fuck with the State Senate because he hates them.

To commemorate the event, in addition to We the People, Edward Norton's HBO documentary that brought a tear to Obama's eye (aww, remember when everybody loved him?), campaign manager David Plouffe has a new memoir out called The Audacity to Win.

Writing about a race that included days that felt like "having your legs amputated in the morning and your arms at night", Plouffe's might be the more interesting of the two projects, especially as the excerpt suggests he doesn't feel the need to mask his true feelings about a great many issues. For example:

He was shocked by how serious Obama was about Hillary Clinton -

Neither Ax nor I were fans of the Hillary option. We saw her obvious strengths, but we thought there were too many complications, both pre-election and postelection, should we be so fortunate as to win. Still, we were very careful not to object too forcefully. This needed to be his call.

Eventually, Obama decided threesomes weren't his thing and inviting Hillary to the table would almost certainly bring Bill as well.

When you're in a room with Biden, only one man does the talking. And that man is not you.

Evan Bayh was so perfect, it was kind of creepy. And Tim Kaine was a nice guy who thought it was nice of them to meet with him but even he knew that it was a long shot.

Obama didn't think it was a great idea to start knocking Sarah Palin right off the bat. Plouffe disagreed but said alright.

"Look," I told him, "simply say that you're adding your own personal voice, one principal to another." He acknowledged that he understood and would watch his words. "We'll send out a personal statement from you and Biden," I said, "but it's important you not suggest we misfired on the original statement. Don't throw the campaign under the bus."

So guess what Obama did? He threw them right under that bus.

These are probably not the sort of things you're likely to see in We the People, which comes from a much simpler place:

Amy Rice: I watched his convention speech in ‘04 and I was really impressed with what he had to say. I felt for the first time that he was a politician of my generation. And if you think back at that time. the country was so divided. and he was saying something new and something different. "We're not blue states, we're not red states, we're the United States." I bought his book and read his story. and he has an incredible, modern-day story, and that's how the idea was conceived.

Edward Norton: When I watch it, one of the first things I saw that I was most pleased about was that it succeeded as a film apart from access to Obama. I think when it really started to gel for me is when these guys showed it to me, and things like the Iowa section-I really had never understood caucus politics until I saw it.

But taken together, the two perfectly feed the still-simmering fascination with the Obama campaign, even if the Presidency has taken the shine off Barack.

"Will you ever run for president again? Yes or no," Curry asked.

"No," replied Clinton.

Ok. Done. Good. Right? That is enough of a straight-up denial to satisfy anyone! Unless, like, you run a website of some sort, and are also trying to drum up interest in an upcoming book about Hillary Clinton's relentless ambition. Then you would make this interview, with its question about Hillary being "marginalized" that comes entirely from your own writing highlighted, your top story. And you would also say that Hillary is lying about not wanting to run for president, any more. Because you are basically shameless, and you are Tina Brown.

Good news: your book, The Clinton Chronicles, is due to be published next year. Just make sure to keep planting stories about how dissatisfied and unhappy Hillary is, in the meantime!

To be fair, Clinton didn't have much of a choice, because Meet the Press host David Gregory asked the former President whether the so-called conspiracy, first assessed by Hillary Clinton, still exists, to which Clinton replied in the affirmative.

Sure it is. It's not as strong as it was, because America has changed demographically. But it's as virulent as it was. I mean, they're saying things about him. You know, it's like when they accused me of murder, and all that stuff they did. ... But ... it's not really good for the Republicans and the country, what's going on now. I mean, they may be hurting President Obama. They can take his numbers down. They can run his opposition up. But, fundamentally, he and his team have a positive agenda for America. Their agenda seems to be wanting him to fail.

Well duh they want him to fail. But, that's beside the point, because the "conspiracy," if it should even be called that, may actually be more powerful than the one that worked against Clinton. With all the new media outlets, not to mention Fox News, it's easier to mobilize the masses and work them into a fury. No, there's no impeachment planned, but there are even more complicated and insidious roadblocks at the right's disposal.

And, sadly for the big O, Clinton's comments are only going to fan the flames. If there's one man the ultra-right hate more than Obama, it's Bubba, and having him jump in the fray will simply embolden and further ostracize the President's critics. Plus, a sizable amount of Clinton's drama came from his, shall we say, encounters with Monica Lewinsky. Injecting that particular memory into the right's already petulant collective consciousness could create a sticky, stinky brew of fresh Obama hate.

Oh, look: Ann Coulter's already ranting about "semen stained Kleenex." Great.

Hosting the very first installment of her new web show, @KatieCouric, the CBS news woman was playing a bit of word association with Beck and asked him to free verse on Hillary Clinton. Beck, that lyrical wonder, explained that he would have "much preferred" her as President and maybe, in some world, would have voted for her over McCain, because McCain's "this weird progressive like Theodore Roosevelt was."

Then, remembering his irksome ability to shock and awe, offered, "How about this? I think John McCain would have been worse for this country than Barack Obama. How's that?" Um, that's fine. Actually, it's probably pretty fair. But whatever will his viewers think?! Is that the sound of pitchforks being sharpened that we hear?

• Jessica Simpson is holding out hope that her beloved pooch Daisy still walks among us, despite the fact that she saw it snatched by a coyote. We're not sure which is more sad: the dog's apparent death or the fact that Simpson thinks it could still be alive. [Star]
  
  
• Tom Delay, the former lawmaker who is now on Dancing with the Stars, has been injured after his old ass body couldn't keep up with the show's high-stepping ways. [MSNBC]
  
  
• Sean Penn doesn't let the grass grow under his groin, for the actor has moved on from Robin Wright with a model named Jessica White. [NYDN]
  
  
• Here's a shock: Samantha Burke, the woman knocked up by Jude Law, has been talking to publishers to get the highest price for an interview and pictures of her new-born love child. Asking price: $200,000. That's one pricey call girl, huh? [Page Six]
  
  
• Rudy Giuliani's gay friend Howard Koeppel insists the former NYC mayor won't run to be the state's Governor. Well, that's a relief! [Page Six]
  
  
• Bill Clinton wanted Hillary to be Al Gore's vice-president. That obviously didn't pan out.... [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• How rude! A Ukrainian church has called Elton John, a known homosexual, a "sinner" after his aborted attempt to adopt an orphan from the country. [NYDN]
  
  
• Oh, good Christ! As if Taylor Momsen weren't already on a highway to hell, the poor girl's now saddling up to Lindsay Lohan. [Just Jared]
  
  
• Meanwhile, Lohan has been bringing her little — 15-year old — sister to night clubs. Shouldn't this help build a case against Lohan's mother, Dina. It should. [MSNBC]
  
  
• Haha! While Whitney Houston's enjoying new-found success, Bobby Brown's griping about the fact that he's fat. Bloated, we thinl but let's not get picky. [TMZ]
  
  
• George Clooney said he would rather have a man's cold finger up his bum than have a Facebook page. Hmmm... [Page Six]
  
  
• British "model" Katie Price says someone famous once raped her, but her ex-husband doesn't seem to know what the fuck she's talking about. We wonder why. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Megan Fox says she would never own a gun because she would shoot someone, like boyfriend Brian Austin Green. He was better off with Donna Martin, no? [Page Six]
  
  
• Ricky Gervais once said it was alright for a funny man to be over-weight, but now he's slim and svelte and, some think, simply too thin. We think there's no such thing! [3am]

"The boss hears from two sources," Goldfarb says, "that Hillary Clinton is considering stepping down as Secretary of State this fall in order to run for Governor of New York."

"The boss" is... Weekly Standard founder Bill Kristol, right? If Bill Kristol says it, than it is the opposite of true. That is the only constant in American Politics. But on the other hand, the guy does know from women politicians who quit things early.

No, seriously, this doesn't make sense. She has one of the best political jobs in the world already, New York State is a mess and governing it is a shitty job, and, uh, David Paterson's staff is 75% Clinton vets. If Paterson gives up early and Cuomo reveals that he killed Jonbenet Ramsey then maybe this happens.

(We'd maybe be a little more inclined to believe it if Murdoch still owned the magazine! But even then it'd be in Page Six, wouldn't it?)

While surely the implications of this news are big in the Kennedy context — could it be the family is relinquishing its hand on America's political system? — it also opens the door for a new generation of political dynasties. But, sadly, the prospects are dim.

The most obvious choice would be the Bush's, a family that has produced two presidents and Jeb. Since Barbara's basically a persona non-grata and Jenna's working for Today, the family's brightest star could be George Prescott Bush, President Dubya's attorney nephew who's also a real estate honcho. That combination, plus his good looks, could make him a good candidate to maintain the family's standing as a preeminent political family.

With Bill being a former President and Hillary as Secretary of State, some are hoping Chelsea Clinton will keep the family's lawmaking legacy alive. She seems to have little interest in politics and therefore won't help build a nascent dynasty. Sad.

We're thinking that the Obama girls may be the nation's best bet for political nepotism. Yeah, the girls are still in school, but the First Family has already been compared to the Kennedy clan and their revered "Camelot." If these girls choose — or if the family pushes, as should be done in all political dynasties — Sasha and Malia Obama could carry the torch for a new American royal family.

Perhaps there's another family out there, toiling away to break into the Washington scene. We sure hope so. This country could use more nepotistic clans who ingrain themselves into our democratic system. It seems antithetical to the American dream, yes, but this nation's democratic roots are also long-addicted to the ups-and-downs of political family drama. And we all know addictions must be fed.

Following the Project on Government Oversight's report that the guards, who work for ArmorGroup, regularly run around naked, get drunk and act out juvenile homoerotic fantasies, Sen. Claire McCaskill has called on the State Department to launch a full-fledged investigation. The State Department, meanwhile, has called the allegations "very serious" and promised that they will talk to ArmorGroup about "addressing deficiencies in their performance." Nor will Secretary of State Hillary Clinton tolerate such antics.

That is, in a word, doubtful.

In fact, the State Department has been investigating ArmorGroup since the beginning of its contract, in July of 2007, when it was found to be "deficient" and the group was said to "gravely endangers performance of guard services."

A related Senate report also found problems, like the fact that the childlike contractors were abandoning posts. It went on to label the scenario as "a case study of how mismanagement and lack of oversight can result in poor performance." State Department spokesman Ian Kelly confirmed that yesterday at a press conference:

We've been investigating this organization for some time now. We understand that we have made some – we have pointed out to them some of the deficiencies. And I can't answer right now from this podium exactly what they have done in response to this letter.

The Department again raised concerns in 2008 and then, later, a Senate probe also found problems, like the fact that contractors were abandoning posts. Yet, despite these misgivings, the contract went on and was reaffirmed earlier this summer. Obviously the State Department isn't taking things too seriously.

Of course, the Department has very little choice, because, frankly, they need contractors like a junkie needs a fix.

As of March this year, contractors made up 57 percent of the Pentagon's force in Afghanistan, and if the figure is averaged over the past two years, it is 65 percent, according to the report by the Congressional Research Service.

Our military's so depleted and overstretched, the Department has come to rely on these contractors, even if they are man-beasts who get off on eating chips from one another's ass cracks. The Department relies so much on them, in fact, that it has yet again renewed its contract with Blackwater, which was previously banned from operating in Iraq, where its agents are, among other things, accused of killing 17 civilians.

At best, the men involved in the most recent contractor scandal will be dismissed, only to be replaced by more buffoons who will then find even more outlandish ways of entertaining themselves.

While certainly many of the Kennedy clan are in no position to keep the dream alive, there are quite a few who could, if given the chance, maintain the imaginary castle. We've picked out six finalists, all of whom have pros and cons. Who, oh who, has the chops, scandal, ambition and all-around gumption to take Teddy's place at the top of the sprawling dynasty?

That's precisely what prosecutors claim Hassan Nemazee has done. In 2006, Nemazee, who was one of Hillary Clinton's finance chairmen and later helped raise over $500,000 for then-candidate Barack Obama, allegedly tried to get a $74 million loan from Citibank.

And, as a way of proving his worth, the business man offered a host of accounts and phone numbers of financial institutions as reference. But, alas, the accounts were either closed or had simply never existed. And those financial institutions? They were really just phone numbers that he himself controlled.

The FBI went after him on Sunday and, in a move that makes him look way guilty, returned the funds to Citibank on Monday. Regardless of his financial offering, Nemazee, whose father was a shipping magnate, remains in jail on a $25 million bond and, once released, will have to wear an electronic monitor until things can be sorted.

So, how long until Clinton and Obama distance themselves from this one? Actually, it's more likely they simply won't even address it. That's what we would do.

Image via the_kid_cl's flickr.

In an effort to test the waters, Giuliani has been meeting with Republican leaders and even convinced the state's Republican Party chairman Joseph N. Mondello to resign so that his friend, Henry F. Wojtaszek, can take the position. In addition, Giuliani held a meeting with leaders in Buffalo and told them that he will decide his fate over the course of the next 30-60 days. It shouldn't take that long.

There's very little chance that current Governor David Paterson will run, because only 32% of New York voters view him in a favorable light. And, more importantly, he's trailing 65-23% when pitted against his most-likely challenger, Attorney General Andrew Cuomo. It's unlikely the state's Democratic party would pick Paterson over Cuomo. It's just common sense. So, let's assume Cuomo runs... Giuliani's people insist he's not thinking about the competition, but you know that's just talk. How could he not be eyeing Cuomo, who's approval ratings are sky high: 67% of Empire State residents gave him the thumbs up at the end of June, only a slight dip from his personal high of 71% in March.

Even if Giuliani's not worried about current polls, he should remember the presidential primary. In January of last year, about 40% of New Yorkers said they would likely vote for John McCain, Giuliani's then-rival. That's not very inspiring for Giuliani, who liked to highlight his post-9/11 leadership abilities, which inspired his ridiculous "America's Mayor" projection.

As if that's not enough, there's another Cuomo-related hurdle: the Clintons. Cuomo worked as President Bill Clinton's Secretary of Housing and Urban Development. Then, during last year's primaries, Cuomo was a voracious Hillary Clinton supporter.

The Clintons remember their friends (and their enemies), so we're assuming the power couple would throw their weight behind Cuomo. Yes, Giuliani has become tight with Sarah Palin, but even the former Alaska Governor is no match for the Clinton machine. And that machine which will no doubt be handy when it comes to raising campaign for Cuomo, who as of last month had $5.1 million on hand.

Giuliani would be much better off remaining in the private sector, where he can lord over his two companies — both of which he would have to abandon should he choose to run — and make thousands giving motivational and policy speeches. Of course, this is politics and things could change at any moment, especially if Giuliani asks current NYC mayor Michael Bloomberg to be his running mate, as many believe he will.

Still, we're not convinced Giuliani should run. But he probably will, because he's a cocky kind of guy and if he's delusional enough to think he could be president, he's absolutely convinced the Governor's mansion has his name on it.

Because it looks like the Obama administration's trying to debunk the idea of a psychotic, power-crazed Jew, running around the White House, making decisions and deciding policy for the rest of the country. They don't want him to be seen as the Democratic Karl Rove, which, in all fairness, who would? The spin they're trying to deliver looks to be: Emanuel's role, while important, isn't a man-behind-the-curtains one, and also, that they're trying to make him softer, nicer, kinder, and seen as the hard-working guy they see him as. But they also don't want to completely tone down the stabby. While Rahm declined to be interviewed for his big New York Times profile treatment, plenty of his colleagues spoke on and off the record about him. The anecdotes in it are pretty juicy:

• The lede, which is the story about Blumenthal:

  "...Clinton wanted to hire Mr. Blumenthal, a loyal confidant who had helped her promote the idea of a "vast right-wing conspiracy" more than a decade ago. But President Obama's campaign veterans still blamed him for spreading harsh attacks against their candidate in the primary showdown with Mrs. Clinton last year. So Mr. Emanuel talked with Mrs. Clinton, said Democrats informed about the situation, and explained that bringing Mr. Blumenthal on board was a no-go. The bad blood among his colleagues was too deep, and the last thing the administration needed, he concluded, was dissension and drama in the ranks. In short, Mr. Blumenthal was out."

  
  

• A quote by Joel Johnson on the precarious of his role in the White House: "He's about to be tested; he's spinning a lot of plates over there and he breaks a lot of china," said Joel Johnson, a close friend and fellow veteran official of the Clinton White House.
  
  
• Rahm's relentlessly aggro nature, which is pounded into the profile time and time again. For example, Axelrod, on the record: "'The president has a zenlike quality,' said Mr. Obama's senior adviser, David Axelrod. 'Rahm is a pile driver.'"
  
  
• The aforementioned revelation that Rahm didn't get invited to Camp David: "When Mr. Obama invited longtime aides like Mr. Axelrod and Robert Gibbs, the press secretary, to Camp David recently, Mr. Emanuel was not included."
  
  
• Obama's visceral reaction to the Valerie Jarrett profile in the Times: "When a New York Times Magazine profile of Ms. Jarrett last month explored the old scratchiness, White House officials said the normally calm Mr. Obama erupted with anger."
  
  
• The attempts to define a softer, kinder Rahm: "While he remains a tough, foul-mouthed scrapper, he is more likely these days to give a dog dish to a senator who got a new puppy (as he did to Kent Conrad this summer) than send a dead fish to an enemy (as he did two decades ago as a brash young campaign aide)."
  
  
• And some nice trivia: Rahm's schedule. "Mr. Emanuel, 49, starts his day shortly after 5 a.m., when he swims at the Y.M.C.A. and then hits the House gymnasium to pick up intelligence from colleagues from his days in Congress. At 7:30 a.m., he gathers top White House officials in his office and meets the full senior staff in the Roosevelt Room at 8:15 a.m. He then sees the president alone in the Oval Office for 10 minutes, a private session repeated at the end of each day. Aides estimate he talks with 50 people a day by telephone and sends hundreds of e-mail messages. Phone calls often last a minute or two, just long enough to deliver a point or extract information. E-mail messages are often a word or two."

But is Rahm, the dog-bowl sender going to win out over Rahm, the Godfather-aping dead-fish gifter? Hopefully not, for the sake of the White House, and audiences of good political gossip like this. They need a guy who's going to keep getting the job done for them while being somewhat impervious - or at the very least, forgetful - of the risks to his own political career; it makes him dangerous. Meanwhile, White House reporters just need good material, and Rahm - so long as he stays on target - should keep delivering.

According to the AP, all of this was just a big misunderstanding, as the poor verbally-flogged student asked Clinton for President Obama's opinion on China's offer to loan money to the Congo, but the obviously incompetent (Or perhaps evil?) interpreter said "Clinton" instead of "Obama," which provoked this response from Hillary:

My husband is not secretary of state, I am. I am not going to be channeling my husband.

Lasers then shot out of Hillary's eyes, lasers that struck the African student squarely in the genitals, burning his nether bits into pork rind-like flesh forms. It was then, as the student was doubled-over grabbing his scalded crotch in pain/horror, that Hillary opened her mouth and swallowed him whole, not even bothering to slather her unsuspecting prey with a condiment for added flavor/lubrication. Our Secretary of State is a badass who will not be disrespected by anyone, so bring it on Iran!

CNN has the video:

CNN, citing "a source with detailed knowledge of the former president's movements," (Insert your own joke here.) said tonight that Bill Clinton is traveling to North Korea to negotiate the release of Ling and Lee. Clinton's visit to the rogue totalitarian country comes at a time when North Korea's done just about everything in their power to piss of the United States, its Asian neighbors and the world at large, with batshit-crazy missile launches and outlandish threats to develop an arsenal of nuclear weapons to annihilate their enemies. It's also been widely rumored that North Korea's cuckoo despot ruler, Kim Jong Il, is presently gravely ill. The last American cabinet official to visit North Korea, coincidentally, was former Clinton Secretary of State Madeline Albright.

On the face of things it seems that the United States of America probably has no better bullet in its diplomatic gun than Bill Clinton for handling situations like such as these, so sending him in seems to make all kinds of sense. However, it's hard not to think that if he's successful, he'll once again steal the spotlight from his long-suffering Number Twos, Al Gore and Hillary Clinton, but hey, whatever it takes, right? Maybe Bill can take Kim Jong Il for a spin on Ron Burkle's sex-jet, "Air Fuck One," to close the deal? Again, whatever it takes.

UPDATE: Clinton has landed in North Korea.

Milbank likes tries to be funny and cool and things that traditional newspaper columnists aren't! Which is funny, again, because - as made evident by his last appearance here: his embarrassing HuffPo-diss-hiss punditry on CNN - he hates bloggers, who do that kind of thing for a living, because we're not journalists or something. But that kind of doesn't make sense, because here he is, making a video about the Obama Beer Summit, suggesting that all parties involved "got it all wrong" and also, that Hillary Clinton should drink "Mad Bitch Beer." The Washington Post pulled the video, but Media Matters still has it up. Whoops!

So, why'd the Washington Post pull it? Per Talking Points Memo's Josh Marshall:

Says Kris Coratti, Director of Communications at the Post: "The video was a satirical piece that lampooned people of all stripes. There was a section of the video that went too far, so we have removed the piece from our website."

I'm not sure anybody on this site could get away with joking about what a "mad bitch" Hillary Clinton is - lots of other people, sure - but then again: maybe we could! But we wouldn't, because - even more important than the overplayed outrage factor over certain people referring to Hillary Clinton that way with completely non-ironic inflections - it's just not that funny. Furthermore, the joke maybe could've been funny if Milbank were satirizing some of the ridiculous names people come up with for their microbrews, but he wasn't. Example of how this could've been done:

Arrogant Bastard Ale: Real.
Stalin's Summer Lager: Fake.
Santa's Butt Winter Ale: Real.
Moose Drool: Real.
Arianna Huffington's Hoppy Plasma Pilsner: Fake.

See: the Stalin one is kinda funny because Stalin was an alcoholic, and a Russian, and they're not known for their lagers. The Arianna Huffington one isn't that funny, either, but functions because it's a beer joke: "hoppy" is a term used to describe certain beers, and plasma, who drinks plasma? ha ha. But really, it's not even that funny of a concept, because they're beer jokes. But even worse is coming up with real beers for politicians who match their supposed traits (like: Republicans get all the beers with references to hell!) and really: there is absolutely nothing less funny than an unfunny joke. Even patently bad jokes can get a laugh. This just sucked.

No doubt Milbank, who pissily called Nico Pitney a "dick" after his CNN appearance with him, has probably said far worse things somewhere on camera. Maybe - despite the Washington Post's statement to the contrary - they just pulled the video because they're utterly embarrassed over how weak-kneed Milbank's material is. On that note, we've found a few comedy classes in DC for Milbank to check out and sharpen up his skills, and until then, look forward to his next effort.