Gawker: Hillary Clinton

Who's Behind The Hillary Blackmail Gossip?

Ryan Tate — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 05:14:51 EDT

Page Six thinks it has figured out why Bill Clinton gave such a tepid endorsement of Barack Obama on The View and David Letterman last week. Not that anyone was really scratching their heads, befuddled, as to why the ex-president couldn't get past his wife's bitter loss of the Democratic primary to Obama. But Page Six gets specific: Obama supposedly refused to promise Hillary Clinton a Supreme Court nomination as she demanded, so Bill exacted revenge. Clinton on the high court is not exactly a new idea. And her people deny the new version of the rumor. The timing of the gossip is interesting, though. As the Obama ticket battles it out with Sarah Palin, star of Thursday primetime TV, for former Clinton supporters, painting Hillary as shrill and demanding makes Obama look a bit more sympathetic. And celebrity gossip sheets may be nearly as good a way to reach Hillary Democrats as The View.

Clinton Responds To Chris Rock On Obama

Ryan Tate — Wed, 24 Sep 2008 06:30:48 EDT

After giving short shrift to Barack Obama on two major broadcast TV shows Tuesday, Bill Clinton could hardly mention the Democratic presidential candidate's name enough on the basic cable Daily Show Wednesday. Perhaps comedian Chris Rock's well-aimed barbs in Clinton's wake on Late Show With David Letterman got through to the ex-president. But when host Jon Stewart brought up the Letterman incident, Clinton said Rock and other critics miss the point.

"I'm glad he's got people that love him that much but those are not the people that hold this election," Clinton said.

Instead Obama needs to reach independents and the bitters who voted for Hillary, and they need Clinton's nuanced message, even if the elites mistake it for glowing praise for Obama's opponent John McCain.

Then Clinton talked about how he and Hillary are longtime friends of McCain, but decided to support the nominee from their own political party because they are gracious non-emotional people, as we all know to be true, and also Hillary has been campaigning more for Obama than all other Democratic runners-up ever, combined, The End.

(Click the video above to watch.)

Chris Rock To Bill Clinton: 'Hillary Lost!'

Ryan Tate — Tue, 23 Sep 2008 07:12:57 EDT

As in his appearance on the View, Bill Clinton offered the most tepid support possible for Barack Obama's presidential ticket on David Letterman's Late Show last night. After repeatedly invoking his vanquished wife Hillary, Clinton said the typical American voter will recall John McCain's heroic torture in a Vietnamese prison camp before deciding to "go the other way" and vote for... whoever that other candidate for president might be. In an inspired feat of booking, Letterman had comedian Chris Rock lined up to follow Clinton and, uh, remind him who won the primary. Video after the jump.

[via Cajun Boy]

Mark Penn, Folks!

Moe — Fri, 12 Sep 2008 17:51:09 EDT

What pollsters call the easily manipulable people they are paid to manipulate when they are no longer being paid to make up quippy little euphemisms for "emotionally-motivated ignoramuses" such as "Hockey mom": "I think the best argument to get those voters is that he's going to follow a really strong but sensible course in terms of turning around the economy. I think a lot of those voters, particularly the downscale voters who saw Hillary Clinton as a champion for them, are looking for someone who's going to be able to champion their cause, particularly in the economic area." [CBS News]

Loser Clinton Flack Blogs for Loser Clinton Magazine

Pareene — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 18:12:53 EDT

How did we miss this? The New Republic gave a blog to Howard Wolfson! Wolfson is Hillary Clinton's reviled old flack. He's known for his terrible sweaters, terrible NPR-schmindie taste in white people music, and for being a big loser like everyone else who is blamed for the mismanaged Clinton campaign. TNR editor (and big pussy loser, JUST LIKE HOWARD WOLFSON) Franklin Foer says: "The Flack aims to pull back the curtain on the dark art of the political operative. As Howard dishes out his punditry, he'll try to explain how the likes of Axelrod and Schmidt might work through their calculations." Yes, he'll pull back the curtain and then spew patent nonsense about what we can all plainly see behind this curtain. Then he will cry and listen to The Mountain Goats. [The Flack/TNR]

Palin Squire Chews Gum Like A Tool

Ryan Tate — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 00:52:50 EDT

If you're a teen father thrust into the spotlight because your fiancée's mom is suddenly a vice-presidential candidate, how to cope with the stress? For 18-year-old Levi Johnston, the answer is to chew gum obnoxiously on the stage at the Republican National Convention, even while meeting presidential candidate John McCain. Maybe the father to Bristol Palin's baby was just trying to prove that he really is a "fuckin' redneck" as stated on his MySpace profile. Palin's mom Sarah, who had just finished a well-received speech slamming Barack Obama, would not have appreciated further insolence from the young man who has still not publicly confirmed he will, in fact, marry her daughter as the McCain campaign claims. There's always an outside chance Johnston was merely following orders, the Republicans having gambled that a little cud chewing might play well among the "bitter" working-class whites Hillary Clinton once courted. Click the video icon to watch Levi's jaw in action.

Does Us Weekly Have A Secret Radical Leftist Agenda?

Moe — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 11:44:59 EDT

Is Us Weekly biased? That's what Fox News has been saying all morning in light of that "Sarah Palin, Governor of the Rhythm Method State" cover. But (in stark contrast to so many of the other things we hear on Fox News) we did not want to believe Us Weekly had a political agenda, mainly because, as with Fox News, we like to forget that whoever Us Weekly is targeting at is actually allowed to vote. But in the face of mounting evidence that the network might be on to something we gave the issue a thorough examination, and it pains me to report that Us Weekly is biased. So biased. You could be forgiven for wondering if the whole rag wasn't being bankrolled by a big gay homofag! (If not Hamas!!!) Here readers, the evidence:

Its owner is Jann (pronounced Yann, like the first syllable of "Yanni") Wenner Jann Wenner not only gives money to Democrats, he has such a hard-on for some Democrats his other magazines have been known to run images of Democratic candidates with sporting actual hard-ons. (Fig. 1) Also, ever since he came out of the closet after in his mid forties, Jann Wenner has been a "known homosexual."

Us has a known toxic love-hate relationship with probable neoconservative Angelina Jolie. Despite her estrangement from her Republican father*, Angelina Jolie has persistently refused to tow the typical Hollywood liberal line, telling interviewers she hasn't yet decided which candidate will get her vote in the November election and allowing that she is fond of John McCain. Savvy observers will note, however, that Angelina Jolie's conservative leanings, aired most publicly in her February Washington Post guest op-ed piece supporting the McCain-backed troop surge, actually predate the conception of Bristol Palin's unborn child. Surely Us has been "keeping tabs" on Jolie's political sympathies, and quite possibly applied pressure in the case she threatens to break from the socialist liberal Hollywood homodoxy. Do you think it's a coincidence that their harshest attack on Angelina's fitness for motherhood coincided with the theretofore deadliest form of exactly the sort of insurgent attack the troop surge was engineered to combat? ("Yes" is actually the right answer to that question, just to be clear!) (Fig. 2)

Today's headlines speak for themselves.
COVER STORY: Sarah Palin: Political Opponent Recalls Being Ridiculed
EXCLUSIVE: Cindy McCain's Half Sister: I'm Voting For Barack Obama
EXCLUSIVE: Tim Gunn: "No Contest" — Michelle has better style than Cindy
Father Of Bristol Palin's Baby: I Don't Want Kids

But in fact, Us has been tacitly endorsing Democrat Barack Obama ever since it branded the Illinois senator Just Like Us in February. (No such pronouncement was made of John McCain, whose appearances in the magazine have thus far been limited primarily to his surprise show of support from The Hills star Heidi Montag, which the magazine immediately undermined by quoting Heidi's fiancee Spencer Pratt saying he "didn't think America cared" who Heidi supported.) Meanwhile, when Obama nakedly dodged a question posed by the magazine earlier this year, the magazine managed to "package" it (so to speak) in a way that seemed to paint the Democratic senator in a favorable light.

IN ALL SERIOUSNESS, though, the media crit mob is probably right that going all "Kos" on Palin — and seriously, how exactly does a Troopergate cover line sit next to "Halle Berry First Baby Photos!"?? — smacks of hubris and recklessness, if not another outright attempt to distance itself from the heartland and paint itself as the trashy supermarket tabloid of privileged thin Blue Staters who just like killing brain cells. Either way, it's kind of tacky. But um, then, we are the ones who just spent the last hour assessing the policy agenda of Us Weekly.

*As the magazine's glowing coverage of Jenna Bush's nuptials illustrates, 'Us Weekly' DOES have a soft spot for the daughters of well-known conservatives — so long as they write children's books about the importance of safe sex, promise Larry King they are probably not voting for McCain, and take their vows in ceremonies performed by radical socialist Obama-loving African pastors who are willing to talk shit on McCain's moral convictions. Put another way, 'Us' embraces conservatives' daughters who stick closely enough to their script of hardline Bolshevism couched in fuzzy Sesame Street racial tolerance and "Just Like Us!" dresses to adequately perpetuate the subtle policy indoctrination of young impressionable females/theater club males. Bristol Palin, we hope you are listening.

Fig. 1:

Fig. 2:

Obama's Posse Heads Out For The Weekend

Ryan Tate — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 06:04:24 EDT

Apparently Barack Obama left Invesco Field in a Jeep, and is now just cruising the streets of downtown Denver with his new political buddies, and they're all shopping and going to Starbucks like elitist gay fashion models. It's all in the animation after the jump, which might be some kind of Republican smear on Obama being a vapid celebrity but which also is definitely mesmerizing. A tipster found it on a message board somewhere. Enjoy!

(It might flicker at first but should smooth out after a few seconds.)

Democratic Convention A Battle Of Crazy Hats

Ryan Tate — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 09:31:01 EDT

Forget the speeches and the platform, the delegate votes and the big Barack Obama speech tonight. Political conventions are nothing if not stages on which the craziest campaign volunteers — both Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama have them! — can strut around in their wildest costumes. No one's been spotted with a sticker on their forehead yet, even though that's a trademark move of Clinton's crazier supporters, or wearing an Abercrombie shirt, even though that's the preferred apparel of Barack Obama's emptiest young volunteers. But the hoi polloi are coming to the big stadium event tonight, so anything is still possible. So far the DNC has seen hats and other attire in flavors vaguely gay, cowboyish, flag-desecrating, Mexican and just plain insane. There's a photo gallery after the jump, culled (mostly) by our own Richard Blakeley from the sea of convention footage.

Race! Sex! Politics! Six Things Americans Are So "Post-" Already

Moe — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 15:21:03 EDT

Remember how Barack Obama gave that inspiring speech in which he pointed out that what William Faulkner wrote back in 1951 — "the past isn't dead and buried. In fact, it isn't even past" — was still totally true today? Obviously he was totally right. The past isn't past; but it is (if you have been watching cable news anyway) most emphatically post-. We are post-feminist, post-political, post-Sex & The City, post-9/11. I am almost tempted to call it the "OMG So Over It Already! Election," except we are venturing into a post-OMG era. On Monday night we watched the "fresh" new MSNBC anchor Rachel Maddow get props from some obsequious guest for coining the term "post-rational" to describe all this madness. That was ridiculous enough to seem "post-"something in itself, so we took the opportunity to put together a post-linear, post-chronological (and, of course, post-rational) post giving you a brief history of our favorite "post-" terms of this campaign (and all time.)

POST-PARTISAN
References in broadcast news: 279, about 95% in reference to the Obama campaign.
First major coinage of term to describe someone famous: CNN's Inside Politics, July 1995, by Chuck Kelly, director of a group attempting to draft Colin Powell to run for president.
In reference to: Colin Powell duh!
Other major post-partisans of recent broadcast news history: Arnold Schwarzenegger, George magazine.

POST-FEMINIST
References: 179, about 50% in reference to the problem of younger women not reflexively supporting Hillary Clinton because she is a girl.
First major coinage of term to describe someone famous: The MacNeil/Lehrer NewsHour, July 1991
In reference to: The movie Thelma & Louise.
Other major post-feminists of recent broadcast news history: Carrie Bradshaw (duh), Julia Stiles in 10 Things I Hate About You, like every chick lit author (again duh), and Hillary Clinton herself, by Candy Crowley in 1992. (She wore headbands then and it confused people!)

POST-POLITICAL
References: 158
What the fuck does it even mean? "Post-political" is like the "post-partisan" of people too stupid to know what "partisan" means, and also of politicians recognizable to people too stupid to know what party they represent, and also of politicians who appear quite possibly more stupid than the people too stupid to know what party they represent. (Ahem.) Bobos In Paradise author and New York Times columnist David Brooks, a conservative who seems to have been rendered somewhat "post-political" himself by the post-9/11 post-logic of the post-"'Reality'-based community", threw the term around to describe swing voters in the lead-up to the 2004 election; last night Chris Matthews referred to post-drunk/post-womanizer and pre-posthumous Senator Ted Kennedy as "almost post-political now."

POST-RACIAL
References: 353
Lemme guess…Michael Jordan? Pharrell? Actually, the only references to "post-racial" I found in the transcripts pre- its association with Barack Obama mostly echo this quote from a pollster talking to NPR's Ray Suarez in 1999:

We're not living in some post-racial age in the ballot box yet.

Ha! How quickly the past is post!

POST-CHRISTIAN
References: 131
Really? Yeah, and they pretty much all refer to Europe and how hurricanes and tornadoes only happen in America because we are turning into them.
Absurd exception that proves rule: U.S. News writer Dan Gilgoff's observation on NPR that the Saddleback Forum, wherein our two presidential candidates were grilled on their views on when embryos acquire "souls" and whatnot, was "supposed to be a sort of post-Christian right forum."
And finally, our — and Maddow's — fave…
POST-RATIONAL
References: Just 3!
First pundit to rip off the term and attempt to pass it off as the "conventional wisdom": Who else?
What it supposedly refers to: Hillary Clinton, pre-dropping out of the race and either post-Super Tuesday or post-another one of those primaries after which everyone declared she was mathematically doomed, in addition to all the crazy women (namely Geraldine Ferraro but also that mediocre black man lady) who went on Fox News post-Hillary's concession to express their feminist support for John McCain. But really, it works for many aspects to this campaign: Obama Girl! Operation Chaos! The fact that I know who Heidi Fucking Montag supports!?

Hil Redeems Self in Eyes of Pundits

Pareene — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 11:59:11 EDT

Did you watch Hillary Clinton's speech last night? She went on late, and long, but we watched. It was pretty good! She is much better at giving speeches than she used to be. We are depressed that no one does big angry barnstorming Jesse Jackson speeches anymore except the tiny white tomte from Cleveland but whatever. Her speech was good on its own merits. A well-delivered and pleasantly inoffensive series of uplifting syllables. The second it ended liberal favorite Keith Olbermann was all "she hit it out of the park, masterful, blah blah" and his MSNBC colleague Chris Matthews made even less sense, but they were quite tired from being on TV, outside, in the rain, for 72 hours straight or so. What did the well-rested print pundits say? Everyone wants to marry that speech.

"The best speech of her career," New York's Daily Intel says.

Great political speeches blow away petty questions about ambition (like “What does Hillary really want?”) by fusing the personal and the political, by making you believe in the speaker as the vessel of your hopes. On Tuesday night, even watching on TV, you could feel the familiar rhythms of Hillary amping up her supporters give way to the generosity (however rooted in self-interest) of her transferring their hopes to Obama.

Radar, suffering 18 million cracks in their cynicism ceiling due to Alex Balk's break from editing duties, also enjoyed it.

Slate's John Dickerson says Clinton's speech was mostly there, with the "were you in it just for me" line being the most important pivot point. But, you know, she never said anything about Obama, just that if the nation can't have Hillary it will have to settle for him. Because the alternative is scary!

The front page of the New York Post makes this astute point as well while also representing the Democratic Party with the cartoon jack-ass from Hee-Haw.

Tim Noah just weighs in with this, which seems apt. And, you know, our antipathy toward the Clintons and their army wavered last night as we enjoyed her speech, but in the cold light of mid-morning, we're not convinced anymore. It was just about her, her fantastic campaign, her great promise. But that guy in Iraq with adopted austic children who needs health care was not what her campaign was ever about. She ran a shitty, mismanaged campaign that went negative first and loudest, acted as if the nomination was her birthright, and represented dynastic politics that should make every student of American Democracy fucking sick. The "experience" she trumped was entirely imagined and exaggerated, she was wrong about the war and never adequately explained why, and, you know, she lost the primaries. Whatever. We don't hate her—she's smart as hell and capable and has actually been pretty gracious compared to her miserable husband—but no one owes her shit for coming in second in a fair fight.

Oh, and Josh Green just says it was boring. Which also seems apt.

Maureen Dowd Seeks Out Most Embittered Old Lady in Denver

Pareene — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 09:40:21 EDT

How many times now has the New York Times columnist come away from a post-primary Democratic event having apparently only talked to the one insane Nobama PUMA lady in attendance? First there was, of course, the ear plug lady, who managed to get the attention of every journalist at the campaign rally. But one imagines the incomparable Dowd had to search a bit to find this nut in Denver, where the attendees are a little more carefully screened:

She’s voting for McCain and had nothing nice to say about the Obamas. What about the kids, I asked. “Adorable,” she agreed. Well, I said, Michelle raised them.

“I think her mother does,” Anderson shot back, adding: “I wonder if Michelle would give the Queen one of her little knuckle punches?”

Lady, America does not have a Queen. Also, what is wrong with you?

What Hillary Edited Out

Ryan Tate — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 08:50:09 EDT

"Those are the reasons I support Barack Obama. And those are the reasons you should too." [Observer]

Clinton: "No Way, No How, No McCain"

Ryan Tate — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 00:55:12 EDT

Every convention needs a good catchphrase! Bill Clinton had "A place called Hope" in 1992. Michael Dukakis floated on the wings of Ann Richards' "Poor George" speech in 1988. And John Kerry to this day wakes up every morning in a cold sweat, screaming "Help is on the way!" Come to think of it, maybe memorable catchphrases aren't all that predictive of success. But this year's Democratic Convention already has two in as many days. There's "yes we can," the Obama theme that already feels like an old standby, because he's been campaigning for president for 12 years. And now there's the new one Hillary Clinton coined tonight, "No way, no how, no McCain." That one impressed everyone because Clinton's "PUMAs" are getting cozy with John McCain. The Democrats need to stop coining memorable slogans every day, or they'll end up with a library of mindless partisan sayings and talking points, and might just win the election. Click the video icon to watch Clinton try and push her supporters back into the party fold.

The Tragedy Of Hillary Clinton's Speech

Ryan Tate — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 00:29:31 EDT

Tonight was going to be a sad and even tragic night for some Hillary Clinton supporters no matter what. Those who threw themselves into the presidential candidate's long and ultimately bitter campaign against Barack Obama were going to have a tough time listening to her speak anywhere on the Democratic convention schedule other than at the triumphant end. When Clinton came out, and the cameras panned to her husband Bill, it wasn't hard to imagine his regrets overwhelming any happiness in the moment. Clinton gave a well-received speech that seemed genuinely conciliatory. "Barack Obama is my candidate and he must be our president," she said. But her most ardent supporters still have to decide whether to let go of their anger and go along with this. In the clip after the jump, CNN finds a choked up Clinton delegate who is still not convinced Obama has the experience to lead. She does have enough party loyalty, though, to say (twice!) that she's not voting for John McCain. Click the video icon to watch the emotional breakdown.

Bill Clinton Still Hates Obama Forever

Ryan Tate — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 22:37:00 EDT

"Hillary Clinton will be on hand for Barack Obama's acceptance speech, but according to a source close to former President Bill Clinton, he will not: the source tells CNN that Clinton will not join his wife at Invesco Field Thursday night." (That's the entire story, at the moment.) [CNN]

Manifesto From Crystal Pepsi Protesters Upstages Clinton

Ryan Tate — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 22:12:07 EDT

Remember that guy who got his "Bring Back Crystal Pepsi" sign onto MSNBC while a political analyst was trying to talk about Michelle Obama's big speech or whatever? Well, we heard from his roommate this morning, and asked for some more information on the grassroots political campaign that's already threatening to eclipse both Ron Paul and Ralph Nader. What we got back was a manifesto that could easily be folded into the Democratic Party platform, and probably should, because honestly the convention is already so HARSH, what with all the talk of war and economic depression and sexism and so forth. Also, this Crystal Pepsi thing, along with (OK OK) the other street protests, is probably the closest the convention comes to actual political dialog. Escape the pageantry for the moment and think about important issues, after the jump.

The time for change is now, and the choice is clear, crystal clear. CRYSTAL PEPSI! It's like drinking hope. For us, Crystal Pepsi is freedom in a can. Our platform is based on peace, love, and Crystal Pespi. Down with war, up with Crystal Pepsi. For us it's not about politics, it's only about Crystal Pepsi. This is a movement that we can all get behind, it unifies us to our very core, Crystal Pepsi. The foundation of America is Crystal Pespi.

In all honesty, for me, it's kind of nice to lighten the mood a little bit. Everybody is down there, protesting, screaming about a cause, yelling at one another about how the other person is wrong. It can be kind of a tense situation. It's nice to walk away putting a smile on someone's face, getting a high five, and hearing someone say we represent a movement we can all get on board with. People initially hear the "protest" coming, you can see the look on their face, "Great, what are these people marching and carrying on about?" When they discover our cause is Crystal Pepsi, there is an overwhelming feeling of relief, followed by immediate support.

We hit the town again today. We couldn't help but notice all of the signs in the background of the MSNBC live coverage today. Our platform is so much easier for people to digest.

Who are we? Just some guys here in Denver, trying to have our voice heard. Trying to make a difference. Trying to have a little fun. Brian child of my roommate, and recent college grad, Peter.

As for the Obama picture... we contributed $10 to the Obama campaign to have our picture taken with the Obama cardboard cut-out. However, we have to add, we think Obama would endorse our movement whole heartedly.

Good luck topping that in your speech later tonight, Hillary "I Prefer Whisky" Clinton.

MSNBC Anchors At Each Other's Throats Again

Ryan Tate — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 21:33:03 EDT

MSNBC's team at the Democratic National Convention needs to get more sleep and maybe also one of those massages that Arianna Huffington is giving out. The cable network's anchors are sniping at one another tonight, just like they did last night. About 20 minutes ago, ahead of Hillary Clinton's speech, Chris Matthews was talking about how some women feel disenfranchised within the party. It's a touchy subject for Matthews, who has been accused of sexist commentary against Clinton, and he did not appreciate a producer telling him to wrap up his ramble. He also didn't appreciate his sometime rival Keith Olbermann making one of those "talking" gestures with his hand. He, uh, let him know that. There's more real-life political drama and intrigue among MSNBC anchors than at the convention at this point. Click the icon for the video. More MSNBC internal fighting in our earlier roundup of Cable Feuds.

James Carville's Kicks Reveal Party Split

Pareene — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 16:59:30 EDT

Oh, hey, look what some bloggers caught! Yesterday, Democratic strategist and original Clinton war room attack dog James Carville gave a lousy review to the first night of the Democratic National Convention. Which is his prerogative as an independent commentator, of course! Except that all the other liberals—and Democratic Party Operatives, like him—liked it, and loved Ted Kennedy, and loved Michelle Obama, and those little girls. But Carville, he was all, no, it sucked. "If this party has a message, it’s done a hell of a job hiding it tonight, I promise you that." Click to see how his choice of footwear explains this bitter response to the first night of the party.

See? He is wearing Pumas! You know, like PUMAs. Clever, Mr. Carville. Also idiotic. Also those are pretty sweet shoes, we had a pair in high school.

How A Vice-Presidential Bid Is A Political Dead End

Nick Denton — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 11:14:59 EDT

With Barack Obama apparently underperforming in the polls, he's under new pressure to pick Hillary rather than a ho-hum choice like Tom Kaine or Evan Bayh. And for some reason, Hillary and her supporters want – insist, in fact – that she be named. But why?

Would she really want to spend eight years as second banana to Obama while Bill helps Michelle host White House socials with cucumber sandwiches? So if they win, she's screwed. If they lose, it's worse: she'll get blamed – and, with the exception of FDR (who ran a losing race for VP in 1920), no unsuccessful running mate has ever been elected president. She won't have a leg up for 2012, she'll be out of the running.

It's true the vice presidency – which FDR's first VP John Nance Garner said "wasn't worth a pitcher of warm piss" (cleaned up to "warm spit" in most citations) – is historically the most reliable path to becoming president. But in recent years, the vice presidential nomination has become a near-certain ticket to oblivion. Don't believe me? Look after the jump.

The Losers

Henry Cabot Lodge (1960). Chosen to run with Richard Nixon in a pointless attempt to take Massachusetts away from JFK (who had defeated then-Senator Lodge in 1952). JFK later gave Lodge the joyful assignment of Ambassador to South Vietnam, just in time to supervise the 1963 coup and assassination of President Diem.

William E. Miller (1964). The obscure California congressman who ran with Barry Goldwater disappeared without a trace, but turned up in late-70's TV ads: "Do you know me? I ran for Vice President of the U.S. in '64. I shouldn't have trouble charging a meal, should I? Well, I do. That's why I carry an American Express card."

Ed Muskie (1968). Originally the front-runner for 1972, his campaign hit a low point as he addressed a crowd from the back of a train on a Florida whistle-stop tour. He collapsed backwards when a drunken psycho (bearing a press pass borrowed from Hunter S. Thompson) grabbed his pant-leg and heckled Muskie: "Get your lying ass back inside and make me another drink, you worthless old fart!" Later gave up his Senate career to serve for 10 months as Secretary of State in the doomed Carter Administration.

Curtis E. "Bombs Away" LeMay (1968). The nuke happy ex-Air Force Chief of Staff ran on a ticket with third-party segregationist candidate, Alabama ex-Gov. George Wallace. When his selection was announced at a press conference, LeMay told dumbfounded reporters that, thanks to the Bikini atoll nuclear tests, local rats were "bigger, fatter and healthier than they ever were," but cautioned that the land crabs were "a little bit hot, and there's a little question about whether you should eat a land crab or not." He added that getting killed by a nuclear bomb would be no different than getting killed by a "rusty knife" in Vietnam. "As a matter of fact, if I had a choice I'd rather be killed by a nuclear weapon."

Thomas Eagleton (1972). McGovern dropped Eagleton from the ticket when it was disclosed he had received electro-convulsive therapy (ECT, or "shock therapy") for depression, spoiling Republican plans to print buttons with the slogan "Volt for Eagleton."

Sargent Shriver (1972). McGovern's emergency choice to replace Eagleton, a Kennedy in-law and ex-Peace Corps director who could do nothing to prevent the ticket from losing 49 states to Richard Nixon. Now suffering from Alzheimer's, Shriver's son-in-law is governor of California.

Bob Dole (1976). Failed twice, in 1980 and 1988, to get his party's nomination before finally succeeding in 1996, only to get creamed by Bill Clinton's reelection campaign after falling off a stage at a Sacramento rally. Was sued for repurposing Sam and Dave's "Soul Man" as "Dole Man" at campaign events. Now, like Bill Clinton, he's a member of the Senate spouses club.

Geraldine Ferraro (1984). Against Ronald Reagan, she and Mondale tied McGovern's record for losing 49 states. She followed up this achievement by making Pepsi ads, then lost two Democratic primaries for U.S. Senate in New York and gave up politics. This one-time rising star and feminist icon reemerged as the 2008 campaign's much-reviled poster child for racial insensitivity.

Lloyd Bentsen (1988). About the only running mate whose reputation improved after a losing campaign (thanks to his "You're no Jack Kennedy" quip at the debate with Dan Quayle), he was unable to deliver Texas for Michael Dukakis, but hedged his bet by running simultaneously for reelection to the Senate. Treasury Secretary during Bill Clinton's choppy first two years in office.

James Stockdale (1992). War hero and ex-POW who inadvertently became Ross Perot's running mate (he'd let his name be used on ballot petitions as a stand-in, then Perot dropped out in August, only to reenter in October when it was too late to pick someone else), he became a deer-in-headlights prop at an absurdist VP debate with Al Gore and Dan Quayle, introducing himself to the nation thusly: "Who am I? Why am I here?" The opener got laughs, but he never managed to answer his own question.

Jack Kemp (1996). The one-time Buffalo Bills QB, superstar Congressman and presidential candidate was supposed to give Bob Dole a big lift, but turned in a wooden debate performance against Al Gore and sank into obscurity after his ticket lost.

Joe Lieberman (2000). Nearly became VP as Al Gore's running mate, though his decision to run for reelection to the Senate at the same time would have cost the Democrats control of the Senate if he had taken office. Ran a comically inept campaign for President in 2004 (remember "Joe-mentum"?). His balls-out support for the Iraq war cost him his party's nomination for reelection in 2006. He won anyway, as an independent, but is now preparing to complete his exodus from the Democratic Party as a Republican convention speaker and possible McCain running mate.

John Edwards (2004). The gifted orator was no help to John Kerry, who reluctantly picked his primary rival in hopes of a strong debate performance against Dick Cheney that never panned out. Edwards failed to deliver North Carolina for Kerry, face-planted as a candidate in 2008, and now spends his time hiding out from reporters in hotel rest rooms after heartwarming visits with the New Agey psycho-babe with whom he cheated on his dying wife.

The Winners

Richard Nixon (1952, 1956). The original train-wreck running mate, Eisenhower was ready to drop Nixon from ticket after a "slush fund" financed by friendly contributors for Nixon's personal expenses came to light. He rescued his candidacy with the first of many appalling speeches – the notorious "Checkers speech," in which he cloyingly announced he'd never give back an adorable dog that a supporter had given his then-adorable daughters. He was a hatchet man as VP, ran failed campaigns for president in 1960 and California governor in 1962. He staged a petulant "last press conference" ("You won't have Richard Nixon to kick around any more") after that loss. After finally gaining the presidency in an amazing 1968 comeback, and winning 49 states in his landslide 1972 reelection, he became the only chief executive to resign in disgrace.

Lyndon B. Johnson (1960). A power broker as Senate majority leader in the 50's, he was humiliatingly kept out of the loop by JFK during his nearly three years as VP. Becoming President upon JFK's 1963 assassination, he won a landslide victory in 1964. But by 1968, he was hated by Republicans and Democrats alike, his civil rights achievements eclipsed by the Vietnam disaster. He abandoned his reelection campaign and left office a broken man.

Hubert H. Humphrey (1964). LBJ gave HHH the same nasty treatment that JFK had given him as VP, and in his 1968 campaign for president, the once-liberal icon Humphrey became the unwilling symbol of Johnson's Vietnam failure. Losing a heartbreakingly close race to Nixon, Humphrey tried, and failed, to win the 1972 nomination – though his harsh debate comments about his longtime friend George McGovern helped ruin McGovern's chances that fall.

Spiro Agnew (1968, 1972). The original Dan Quayle, Agnew was an unknown in 1968 who quickly embarrassed Richard Nixon with gaffes such as "If you've seen one slum, you've seen them all," and "What's the matter with that fat Jap" in reference to a sleeping reporter. As Nixon's VP, he took up the pres-baiting hatchet-man role Nixon had pioneered under Eisenhower. During Watergate, Agnew resigned as part of a bribery plea bargain.

Walter Mondale (1980). Surviving the Carter Administration with his reputation more-or-less intact, Mondale's 49-state loss to Reagan in 1984 made him a symbol of Democratic debacle. In 2002, he served as emergency fill-in as a Minnesota Senate candidate after Paul Wellstone died in a plane crash, but lost to uber-goober Norm Coleman. "Call me sentimental, but wasn't it nice to see Walter Mondale come out of retirement for one last ass whoopin'?," observed David Letterman.

George Bush Sr. (1980, 1984). Newsweek heralded Bush's rocky, but ultimately successful 1988 presidential campaign with the headline "Battling The Wimp Factor." After spending his four years in office marveling at supermarket scanner technology and throwing up on the Japanese prime minister, he was eased into a timely retirement by Bill Clinton, living to see his mutant spawn ruin just about everything.

Dan Quayle (1988). Upon being announced as George Bush's running-mate, Quayle "was absolutely giddy with happiness, grabbing his benefactor by the shoulder and repeatedly hugging his arm, gamboling around the platform like the jackpot winner on a television game show," according to Jack Germond and Jules Witcover. Given far too little credit for his deft retort ("That was uncalled for!") after Bentsen taunted him as "no Jack Kennedy." Destined to be best remembered for misspelling "potatoe" during his, and Bush's, ill-fated 1992 reelection campaign. He made a lackluster try for the 2000 Republican nomination, but Bush Sr.'s surrogate retarded son was no match for the real thing.

Al Gore (1992, 1996). His adopted preference for earth-tone suits failed to establish him as the alpha male of the 2000 campaign. After his flawed campaign and misguided recount strategy delivered the presidency to George Bush, Gore finally found the voice that had eluded him during his presidential run and became an anti-war and environmental guru. Democrats worshipped him, but gently guided him away from making repeat runs in 2004 and 2008.

Dick Cheney (2000, 2004). Reportedly dines on rats and land crabs from the Bikini atoll.

Face Injections For Hillary?

Ryan Tate — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 05:56:54 EDT

"A source tells us Clinton visited a New York plastic surgeon early this month and received injections of a 'dermafiller' in her face... 'It appears that she has restored a youthful look with a combination of injectables.'" Click the picture for a close-up. [R&M]

Polite Brits To 'Caution' Christian Bale On Assault

Ryan Tate — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 09:26:41 EDT

Christian Bale is set to get a "caution" about his alleged assault on his Mom and sister in London, but only if he admits guilt first. Comedian Russell Brand: "In England, we have such good manners that if someone says something impolite, the police will get involved. Christian Bale, I believe whilst in a restaurant, rolled his eyes at the lighting. That is an offense punishable by five years in prison in the United Kingdom."
Bill and Hillary Clinton said they aren't going to David "Obama" Geffen's stupid party at the Democratic convention, and Geffen said they weren't invited anyway, mumbling something about what the fatties would do to his catering bill. [P6]
In between macking sessions with boyfriend Justin Bartha, Ashley Olsen consumed two Bloody Mary's and "a little bit" of spaghetti. In other words, a balanced diet. [P6]
Someone is domain squatting AshleyDupre.com. But that's not the Spitzer hooker's real name, and she's probably not about to try to explain to some court how she established ownership over the pseudonym, so... Point to the domain squatter! [R&M]
I had never heard that Lindsay Lohan's 14-year-old sister Ali got breast implants until Lindsay blogged a heated denial. [People]
Jennifer Aniston's rebound rebound rebound man is said to be Matt Felker, a model. Meanwhile, John Mayer and Pete Wentz are hanging out more.
Paris Hilton denied that she's dumped Benji Madden for the CEO of MySpace. [The Awful Truth]
Because America will never tire of brutal torture on the part of insane, gung-ho law enforcement authorities, drunk driver and enemy of military training Keifer Sutherland would like to make a movie based on 24. [OK!]
Tori Spelling says she'd still like to be in the 90210 spinoff, and implies she only dropped out because of the timing of her kid. [OK!]

Does Chris Matthews Still Make You Beat Your Wife?

Ryan Tate — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 00:04:14 EDT

So apparently a hysterical new "non-partisan" group, started mostly by bitter supporters of Hillary Clinton, has been formed with a very important mission. The New Agenda will fight for paid maternity leave, affordable health care and fair pay for women. Or at least they will do those things once they are done getting Chris Matthews fired from his job as host of Hardball on MSNBC, which is at the top of their self-described "to-do list," because Matthews, a longtime Democratic Congressional aide, is at the nexus of all types of awful problems for women, including wife beating:

"The kind of language he uses and the kind of behavior he exhibits in the public domain toward women objectifies them and leads to bad things for our society and to domestic violence," the new group wrote in a comment (emphasis added) that has been mysteriously scrubbed from the original press release.

This, of course, is code for "Christ Matthews helped to destroy delicate Hillary Clinton's fragile shot at the presidency."

Here's a roundup of all the ways Matthews undermined the women of America:

Called Clinton a "she-devil." [Times]
Said Clinton only got where she as because her husband "messed around." [Ibid.]
Once said "Hillary Clinton bugs a lot of guys, I mean, really bugs people — like maybe me on occasion." [Gawker]
Accused staffers of treating him like "some rape victim" over teleprompter mishaps. [Ibid.]
"She's looking down on me. What do you think? Howie, she's looking down on me, that woman. She thinks she's better than me." [Media Matters]

Those are the big ones, if there's another remotely awful quote we should be aware of, do let us know.

Whatever one thinks of Matthews, a sometimes blustery but generally quite keen political observer, silencing him will only add to the easily-curated historical evidence that Clinton arrogantly disdains the press and, really, any criticism or scrutiny whatsoever. Wouldn't, say, passing some actual legislation do more for Clinton and other women?

Ah, but then there would be no quick and easy free press.

[Soup Cans via Mediabistro]

Rielle Hunter Killed Hillary

Pareene — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 16:04:40 EDT

Former Hillary Clinton spokeshipster Howard Wolfson says Hillary Clinton totally would be president right now if the John Edwards scandal had gone public last year. "I believe we would have won Iowa, and Clinton today would therefore have been the nominee," he told ABC. And furthermore: Wolfson says the Clintons knew the story but didn't push it. "Any of the campaigns that would have tried to push that would have been burned by it." Ha. Bullshit. If they had the story, they would've planted it without getting their hands dirty. And furthermore, Edwards would've had to drop out right before Iowa, and not after. And furthermore, their Iowa ground game sucked and Obama's didn't. And frankly their campaign didn't kick into gear until they were losing and started taking shit seriously; being the frontrunner was a liability. But all that aside, playing alternative history is totally fun! So let's all pretend the Edwards revelations broke close enough to the Iowa caucus to force Edwards to drop out but not so far from them that everyone had already forgotten or stopped caring. What would our world look like now?

Would She Have Won Iowa? Look, Howard, we still think no. "By 55% to 33%, Iowans — who will take part in a Jan. 3 caucus that will be the first test for Democratic presidential candidates — said they favored 'new direction and new ideas' over 'strength and experience,'" Time said in November. The disillusioned Edwards voters may have been voting for the guy who talked like a radical populist outsider, not necessarily the White Guy. Edwards also apologized often and loudly for Iraq, while Hillary kept stumbling over it. STILL. Let's assume that enough Edwards voters would've switched to Hillary to give her that first important win. From then on out, things are very different!

New Hampshire It would've been a breeze. Hillary would've won easily, once again making her look like an unstoppable steamroller of inevitability. BUT! Her real-world New Hampshire win breathed new life into her "struggling" campaign. She had to cry and say she found her voice and suddenly everyone was nice to her. Would two wins in a row have made the press more interested in Obama?

South Carolina Here's the big question. Hillary was way ahead in the black vote until Iowa, when, some say, black voters suddenly realized the black candidate might have a chance and switched to Obama. But in this alternate universe, have they still stuck with Hillary? Maybe Bill's not so angry and crazy and therefore not saying questionable things about Obama's race, but maybe the press coverage is becoming as quietly racist as it was sexist in our universe. This is totally up in the air.

Super Duper Tuesday Hillary wins New York and California, just like now. The delegate count is perhaps as nutty as it was in real life, but Obama's camp would probably sound "desperate" if they brought that up. Now we're in a position not unlike the real one—the nation's racial fault lines exposed as commentators call on Obama to drop out, even though a win is still a statistical possibility. Obama maybe handles the situation with more grace and returns to the Senate to work on his 2016 campaign.

The Future Would Hillary be stronger against McCain? Her negatives are way higher than his, but she appeals to more of his base than Obama does. Obama has a better shot in some states than Hillary would, but he also may lose blue-collar white Democratic strongholds that Hillary proved adept at winning. But this is becoming a really lame and hedged "alternative history" so let's say Hillary would SWEEP MCCAIN in this future, while as we all know in the real world this election is still Obama's to lose. Then the reanimated Hitler would win the Olympics! The Confederate States of America would be so disappointed. Then Vice President Favre would get sacked by Speaker of the House Evil Spock and the world would learn to laugh again.

In conclusion, Howard Wolfson is a tool.

Hillary Clinton Demands More Attention

Pareene — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 10:02:04 EDT

Hillary Clinton wants—no, needs—some recognition for so valiantly and gloriously melting down and losing a nomination that a few short months ago she was supposed to walk away with without breaking a sweat. Remember how proud we all were as she became increasingly desperate, holding the Democratic Party hostage like Brett Favre, as her husband began making incomprehensible racial gaffes and she quaffed bourbon and divorced herself from reality? Yes. So. Let's relive the magic of Hillary '08 at the Democratic National Convention in Denver! The Clinton Camp (they still have a camp!) is demanding that Hillary's name be placed into nomination so that she can rack up one more in her growing list of symbolic defeats. (Of course this remains a highly unlikely possibility, so it's actually irresponsible of ABC to run with it like it's news and irresponsible of us to play along with their stupid game. But hey! Still the silly season.) [ABC]

Hillary 2012, Coordinated With The Huffington Post

Ryan Tate — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 04:20:02 EDT

"The gathering was hosted by California Sen. Dianne Feinstein and attended by Ellen Malcolm, founder of Emily's List... Rep. Ellen Tauscher... and Hilary Rosen... who's now political director of the Huffington Post." [Post]

Mark Penn Ages You

Michael Weiss — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 15:44:41 EDT

The best that can ever be said of the Clinton consultants turned pundits is that they're right except for all the times they're wrong. That's certainly the case with Dick Morris, who previously said a conniving Hillary had the nomination in the bag, then adopted an air of insider omniscience in setting everyone right as to Obama's sure-thing triumph. As for the other chubby triangulator on speed-dial, Mark Penn is wrong even when he's right, and he's hardly ever that. As Hillary's chief political strategist, he thought using the word "cocaine" repeatedly on television by way of denying his camp was trying to portray Obama as a cokehead was subliminally savvy. It was not. He thought focusing on all the big states and ignoring the little ones with caucuses meant an easy glide to the Denver convention. It did not. He thought his own party's primaries allotted state delegates in a winner-take-all-fashion. Alas, they did not. Now Penn's written a piece for Politico in which he claims to have spotted the decisive voter bloc for the '08 showdown. Even if he's right, broadly speaking, he fucks his own thesis into demographic incoherence by sentence two.

In the relentless quest to find the soccer moms of this election, perhaps the answer will be found in the “active granny” vote — empty-nesters who have found a new freedom in their lives after the kids have left and who look at the world very differently than do their kids graduating college.

Penn must be referring to all those hot n' horny grannies in the Catherine Keener 40 Year-Old Virgin mold who've only just discovered the new freedom of a childless home and who sure won't be voting the way their 21 year-old spawn vote come November.

And Hillary still can't figure how she lost.

[Politico]

Katie Couric Suffers 'The Hillary Clinton Treatment'

Ryan Tate — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 06:14:32 EDT

When Katie Couric read a page from her "notebook" back in June, highlighting sexist media coverage of Hillary Clinton's presidential campaign, we wondered if maybe she wasn't also talking about herself. Couric was, after all, facing record-low ratings, and her bosses said sexism was partly responsible for viewer apathy. Well, Couric put to rest any doubts she identifies with Clinton in an interview with Haaretz newspaper in Israel, where she is traveling on vacation. In it, she argues that sexism is more common than racism in America, and that she has felt its effects — just like Hillary:

Unfortunately I have found out that many viewers are afraid of change. The glory days of TV news are over, and the media landscape has been dramatically changed. News is available now for everyone, everywhere, all the time, and everybody fights for the last pieces of the shrinking pie. The corporate pressure and the ratings terror are intensifying all the time, and the situation is not simple. I find myself in the last bastion of male dominance, and realizing what Hillary Clinton might have realized not long ago: that sexism in the American society is more common than racism, and certainly more acceptable or forgivable. In any case, I think my post and Hillary's race are important steps in the right direction."

It is virtually impossible to argue against the notion that both Hillary Clinton and Katie Couric faced repeated, institutionalized instances of sexism. But it's puzzling that Couric brings this up in the context of race — jumping into the argument over whether women or minorities are more aggrieved in America.

How has Couric's own professional experience taught her anything about the prevalence of racism versus the prevalence of sexism? It's all too easy to leap to the conclusion that she's talking in this case not so much about herself as about the Democratic primary — about Barack Obama, and about how he, as some Clinton supporters like Geraldine Ferraro argued, faced fewer obstacles as a black man than Clinton did as a white woman.

Is that really a debate in which Couric wants to take sides? Because it's hard to see how it would be particularly wise for her, as a network evening news anchor, to do so. Unless she's angling for Keith Olbermann's job..

[Haaretz via Tabloid Baby]

Obama "Forgets" To Ask For Hillary Donations

Ryan Tate — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 01:58:32 EDT

"After finishing his speech to a roomful of New York donors at the Grand Hyatt without any mention of helping Clinton with her debt, reporters ran over to Obama's spokeswoman Jen Psaki, who was already spinning hard that Obama's failure to make a pitch was no big deal. Then the music stopped and Obama, very awkwardly, started speaking again." [Observer]

Two Big Losers Will Repair Your Image!

Pareene — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 13:34:38 EDT

Is your brand in crisis? You may need the expert help of mega-PR firm Burson-Marsteller! The firm is run by public relations expert Mark Penn, who recently did a fantastic job selling Hillary Clinton to the nation until he had to quit as her top advisor because his firm met with the Colombian government to represent them on an issue the Clinton campaign had taken the opposite view of. Whoops! Then Hillary lost. So hey, Mark Penn understands why maybe you wouldn't turn to him to manage whatever PR disaster you're undergoing. Which is why he's brought on another superstar from the world of politics: Karen Hughes!

Karen Hughes "came to Washington with President George W. Bush as his communications director," but more recently she's famous for being a disastrous failure at the State Department, where she was assigned to manage a huge brand in the midst of a terrible crisis: the United States of America!

Hughes was named the "Undersecretary of State for Public Diplomacy and Public Affairs," which means that basically her job was to make Muslim nations love the US of A. She was sort of a spectacular failure, as she doesn't understand really anything about the Islamic world and is really much better at manhandling American journalists than, uh, diplomacy. She made a video with Cal Ripken, Jr. once though!

Now, years later, everyone hates America more every day, and Hillary Clinton's public image is an even sadder and more vicious caricature of female ambition than it was in 1992, so hey, hire Mark Penn and Karen Hughes to make America love your dolphin-raping corporation again.

Howard Wolfson, Music Critic

Pareene — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 15:14:18 EDT

Hillary Clinton aide Howard Wolfson is now a regular contributor to Fox News, but in his heart of hearts, he'd like to be a contributing editor at Spin. As we've mentioned, he regularly sends out indie-heavy playlists of what he's listening to to friends, fellow flacks, and journalists. And we finally found his 2004 end-of-year list! Complete with blurbs! Wolfson's top ten, and other assored bits of music criticism from the be-sweatered communications consultant, after the jump.

Wolfson's taste is perfect focus group-tested schmindie, and his writing is infected with the stain of a lifetime of shitty mp3-blogging and capsule reviews. The Grey Album is "the funkiest album the Beatles never made." There's much more where that came from on his now-defunct blog (HowieWolf!).

His 2005 list is embarrassing—were we all so corny then? and so white?—but for our money little he's done since can top Wolfson's review of Green Day's moden classic American Idiot.

What happens when the glue sniffing class clowns starting raising their hands and getting the answers right? And then decide to write, direct and act in the class play? Like a cross between The Who and Bad Religion, American Idiot is a surprisingly successful rock opera on the state of the nation from the band voted least likely to succeed. A soundtrack travelogue to a landscape littered with strip malls and fast food (www.benjaminedwards.net), Green Day's "kids of war and peace" worship "the Jesus of Suburbia" to the sound of poppy punk guitar, a pogoing rhythm section and tight harmonies. When Billie Joe Armstrong urges us to give him "another amen" he may be asking ironically, but it doesn’t stop us from shouting out just the same. Wonder why John Kerry won the youth vote? Give a listen.

Now we're totally turned around on Wolfson's upcoming Fox gig. Because maybe instead of talking politics he'll just show up for a little Gene Shalit-style "this week in mp3s" review segment? The new Girl Talk is revolutionary! Neko Case is winning the popular vote! Why won't Danger Mouse agree to seat the Michigan delegates?

Howard's List [NYO]
AppleBites
Howard Wolfson, Indie Darling [Wonkette]

Unpleasant Flack Joins Unpleasant Network

Pareene — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 11:00:44 EDT

Howard Wolfson, the Hillary Clinton surrogate whose many television appearances were second in embarrassment only to Terry McAuliffe's, has a new job! The former communications director is taking his message of Cosby sweater-inspired victory to Fox News, where they continue to find new and inventive ways of hating the Clintons, like by parading their vanquished aides before the nation. Clinton's campaign came to believe that Fox was more fair to her during the primary campaign, mostly because they never tired of beating up on Obama and his pastor or whatever. Wolfson, recently named "the most charmless human being on the planet," is excited to bring his tireless advocacy for failure to the fair and balanced network.

“I thought that Fox’s coverage during the primary was comprehensive and fair and evenhanded,” Mr. Wolfson said Monday in a telephone interview from Liverpool, England, where he was vacationing. “It’s a huge audience, and it is important to have a strong, progressive voice on the network.”

We recently declared that the indiest flack was widely reviled by the press it was his job to manage, but that was perhaps inaccurate. Wolfson—also voted "one of the least helpful spokesmen [The Economist] has ever encountered"—got on great with the traveling press corps. It was only when reporters from outside that bubble tried to pry anything useful from him that he clammed up.

But strenuous unpleasantness will fit in just fine on Fox, a place where Karl Rove comes off as charming and even-handed.

Now Harold Ickes, Mark Penn, and Terry McAuliffe will all join the staff of the Weekly Standard.