So you’re having an office party. Good luck with the next morning. Because wherever you wake up—be it in bed, draped over your toilet, or even, like one Gawker writer who will remain unnamed, still riding the subway—here’s the hard truth: It’s going to be a struggle.

Looking for something to buy a teen this holiday season? Look no further than this very gift guide, a gift guide that is for teens and by teens.

Were you a cool guy who smoked but now you’re an old guy who, instead of quitting altogether, prefers to inhale smoke-like material from a machine that glows? Or are you a pothead looking for a new way to smoke weed? Great. Let me help you pick out some Christmas gifts for yourself.

It’s almost 2016, and with such little time left to complete new year’s resolutions from last year, your friends or loved ones might be finding themselves desperately looking to get in better shape. May you interest them in a holiday crash diet?

Congrats—you did it! In spite of some racially insensitive comments and “Can I touch your hair?” queries during February, you survived another tumultuous year as a Privileged American Man (I know, I know—I’m surprised, too). Sure, you lost a few friends and family members along the way, but such is life in a…

“Clams are just clams. Not people.” That’s what they all say. But one clam will prove them all wrong—with the help of a few essential items.