As you might be aware, Christmas ads are already going in full force in magazines, online, and everywhere else. Fake Christmas trees! The Radio City Christmas Spectacular! And "trinkets, bric-and-brac and collectibles" from the unfortunately named Hamilton Collection!

Why are we flooded with these annoying pitches year after year? Because of our own lack of spontaneity. Advertisers say people's need to "plan" their purchases mean these early ads work. So you don't like Christmas in September? Don't plan anything until December. This way you can thwart the greedy Jews, who are behind all this:

“If it wasn’t working for me, I wouldn’t do it,” [the president of an artificial Xmas tree company] added. “I’m not that meshugeneh.”

[NYT]

Across the [Tri-State] area, McDonald's employees are encouraged to bring their parents to work and show them the fun and the variety of experiences that go into a day at McDonald's. Not only do parents have the chance to see the work their children do, but they can be a part of the McDonald's team for a day and learn how each restaurant functions as a whole from food prep through the work of McDonald's supportive managers.

Jesus. Though we suppose this idea is actually less depressing than the idea of McDonald's employees participating in the traditional "take your child to work" scheme.

McDonald's New York Tri-State Area Restaurants Celebrate Take Your Parent to Work Day [PRNewswire via BlogOfHilarity]

So I'm off for the rest of the week, heading toward Maui to tail Paris Hilton and leaving the laptop behind. Hopefully, the intervening five days will allow my crippled fingers to heal and give me time to kick my worrying speed habit. Everyone's off tomorrow, but Choire, Emily, Josh, and Doree - who, in spite of everything, really are the best team you could hope to work with (except Emily) - will see you through the rest of the week. Be kind to them: Can you imagine what it's going to be like to be shorthanded during a news lull? On the other hand, it may turn out that a Balkless Gawker is a superior site. Which is my biggest fear! As difficult as this job is, I'd hate to leave it just now - I don't have anything else lined up yet. So have fun, but not too much fun.

And have a great Fourth, kids. Eat a hot dog for me.

[Image: Achewood]

Earlier: Who Are The Ad Wizards Who Came Up With This One?

First up, a dispatch from the Hearst event:

I'm suspecting you guys got emails about this already, but just in case you didn't, the Hearst party last night sucked major ass. First they decided to have the party in the damn building, which was fine at first because none of us missed squeezing into the entrance of Tavern on the Green. Only after visiting the three party floors (3, 29, and 44) did I truly feel slapped by the bigwigs of Hearst. THERE WAS NO FOOD. No where to be found. Sure, there were some hor de vours being passed around, but even those were too far in few inbetween to actually count. There were some boxed cookies on 29, which has the entire floor dedicated to Good Housekeeping's kitchen, but fuck those boxed cookies, I was not interested in them. Instead, there was plenty of alcohol, and you had to leave your glass behind any time you switched floors, so that was pretty wasteful if they were trying to cut costs. But if anyone actually got wasted...well...drinking on an empty stomach will do that to you. Maybe that was there plan, to just not feed us anything but alcohol and trick us into thinking we're having fun. Oh and I'm no fatty either, it's not like I'm screaming, "I need my bucket of shrimp!" but I was on the elevator with three Cosmo girls who looked like they weighed about 105 lb. and even they were saying they were hungry. I mean, aren't they used to being starving? So you know it must've been pretty bad if even they were complaining about no food. Hearst employees don't get gifts or bonuses either, and individual magazines have to reach into their own pockets if they want to throw staff parties. I bet the Hearst execs are rolling around in their money like Scrooge McDucks. Bitches.

Next, the VNU party:

VNU, the Dutch (well, formerly Dutch) company that owns Billboard, The Hollywood Reporter, Mediaweek, etc., hosted its holiday party last night at oh-so-chic Capitale in the Bowery. Nice place, decent music, except for one thing —

There was NO food served to the hundreds of VNU employees, except for the usual little finger food.

Party-goers were understandably pretty ticked.

For a company that just laid off 10% of its global workforce a week ago, you'd think they could actually afford some roast beef. But nope. The best one could hope for at this shindig was tiny little appetizers, if they were lucky.

I mean, for fucks sake, where does it end? And is it really a party if there's no food?

Earlier: Gawker's Holiday Party Guide: Clip and Save

Have Mistletoe, Will Travel [WWD]

Bonus tip: cross the candles for maximum effect!

For the gift-giver: Do your research. Read the customer reviews. Beware outdated products on store shelves.

And don't give any presents to David Pogue, lest he use the fucking New York Times to rudely trash your generous gift.

A Tale of Installation Frustration [Pogue's Posts via MeFi]

Central Park
Saturday: Scattered Strong Storms, 75°/65°
Sunday: Partly Cloudy, 81°/64°
Monday: Sunny, 84°/65°

East Hampton, N.Y.
Saturday: Scattered T-Storms, 72°/57°
Sunday: Partly Cloudy, 69°/53°
Monday: Partly Cloudy, 71°/58°

Memorial Day in the Hamptons: Cloudy and cool. Memorial Day in Manhattan: Sunny and warm. We're staying in town, and we totally win — and that's even before factoring in the LIE traffic. Or the sailors and rugby players.

More vacation weekend forecasts — all of them more pleasant than East Hampton's — after the jump.

Beach Haven, N.J.
Saturday: Scattered T-Storms, 78°/64°
Sunday: Partly Cloudy, 77°/57°
Monday: Mostly Sunny, 81°/61°

Woodstock, N.Y.
Saturday: Scattered T-Storms, 77°/57°
Sunday: Partly Cloudy, 81°/58°
Monday: Sunny, 87°/63°

Lenox, Mass.
Saturday: Scattered T-Storms, 78°/58°
Sunday: Partly Cloudy, 81°/54°
Monday: Sunny, 85°/59°

For those who live — or more precisely, try to live — the Christian faith:

This is the saddest day of the liturgical year, and also the day most imbued with promise. A man, tortured nearly to death, submitted to a method of execution that would cheer Al Qaeda, before a jeering, religiously-skewed crowd. This man, who not only had done nothing wrong, but accepted punishment to atone for our sins, who might have summoned a legion of angry angels to the rescue, instead begged His father to forgive us.

The mystery of the death and Resurrection of Jesus the Christ remains beyond our poor ability to decipher. We can only take comfort from the hope of salvation that these mysteries bring with them.

Happy Easter.

Thanks, John. And a ziessen Pesach to you.

Romenesko

Hundreds of gay and lesbian parents hoping to take their families to the annual White House Easter Egg Roll plan to start lining up Friday evening to make sure they get tickets for the Monday event.

Talk about bad parenting.

(On the other hand: Fabulous graphic, CBS.)

White House Easter: Gay Friendly? [CBSNews.com]

A Very Brooklyn Seder [LeatherTomato.com]

Gawker [Technorati]

And it's like a whole dozen boxes. That'll last for a while.

Earlier: Reader Mail: Help This Man Find Some Chocolate Edition

We know this video is advertising some Purim event at Makor, the younger and (theoretically) hipper branch on the 92nd Street Y on the West Side. But we have no idea what the event is. We just know that the shtick of the Channel 35 phone-sex commercial that instead stars two nice Jewish girls — one in a Brandeis sweatshirt — is pretty damn funny. "I'll do anything you want," the redhead says suggestively while music pulses in the background, "as long as it doesn't stain." Oh, we like it when you talk clean to us.

HOT Jewish Girls Want to Talk To You! [Google Video]

It seems TAN, as we much prefer to call him, has discovered an interesting new development: He's identified a burgeoning movement to move Black History Month to a longer, and preferably warmer, month of the year. And if that happens, what will become of February? The answer, says TAN, is obvious. It will be taken over by a group that always likes to take over black culture. Hello, Wigger History Month.

After the jump, TAN's explains the black folks' move and tracks the inevitable rise of the wigger.

And a belated happy Black History Month to all of you.

North of the 96th Street Mason-Dixon line, the hot word of the street is about a powerful movement building to make this the last Black History month celebrated in February. After hundreds of years of oppression, black people in this country want to throw off the shackles of this "cold-ass, short-ass" month, we're told, and move to something "much more appropriate to a people with such an esteemed heritage." The buzz is that black people are targeting May, and possibly even June, as the new home for Black History.

With the vacated month open, a range of minority groups are galvanizing their forces to try to be first into that void. What I'm hearing is that despite heavy competition from "gay cowboys," "bloggers," and "moody magazine editors" — you'd think they'd have been smart enough to bridge their very small differences and mount a coordinated campaign — the Month History Committee is leaning toward awarding February to the "Wiggers." The Committee apparently prefers to maintain some sense of continuity, and many Americans — or, at least, many New Yorkers — don't realize that Wigger History stretches as far back as Black History.

As a preview of what will be taught in the nation's elementary schools during future Wigger History Months, here's a quick pictoral timeline (wiggers prefer their words broken up by big pictures. Herewith, Wigger History: From Lincoln to Federline.

1. The Original Whiggers

Wiggers were originally called "Whiggers," and were introduced to the world via the Whig Party. They claimed political involvement, but that was just an elaborate front for Whiggers to flaunt their love of black style and culture. Notice the tightness of the curls in the wigs, and the ghetto posturing. Raised fingers touching tables were actually the first form of gang signs.

By contrasting a whigger and a slave, we can see that black people, if allowed to color and style their hair, could have looked just as ridiculous.

2. The Grandfather of Modern Wigger History: Abraham Lincoln

Abraham Lincoln is considered the Grandfather of Modern Wigger History, not only because of his penchant for a "ghetto" rough-and-rugged appearance when delivering his memorable speeches, but also because he showed love and respect for Wigger roots by freeing black people. Some black folks question his agenda and think he cared more about Wiggers than actual black people, claiming he wouldn't have signed the Emancipation Proclamation at all if he didn't think it would usher Wiggers into a new era of empowerment. But that's neither here nor there, for now. Wiggers owe everything to Honest Abe.

Nowhere are the similarities between Wiggers and black people more striking than in the cases of Lincoln and Ike Turner.

3. The First Black Wigger: Elvis Presley

Elvis Presley — or, as many called him, Elvis Prizzle — triggered the first true Wigger Renaissance. While Lincoln helped create the modern Wigger, Elvis was the first to reinforce the Wigger identity on an existential level. Many people wondered if this Wigger was truly black (especially with the above photo), which sparked a wigger identity crisis the ripples of which are still felt today.

Elvis and Michael Jackson may in fact be the same person.

4. Wiggers Go Mainstream

Vanilla Ice was the first to bring Wiggers and wiggery into the mainstream, specifically targeting the children. He was the first "pop" Wigger, evidenced by the streams of light behind him highlighting his superstar status. For the Wiggers-rights movement, things would never be the same.

Vanilla Ice was the first to flash the official Wigger hand sign.

Fred Durst was the first to fuck up the official Wigger hand sign.