With each passing year, it seems, American retailers find some way to make to make "Black Friday," the terrifying shopping day after Thanksgiving, a worse experience for their poor employees. This year is no exception.

For centuries after his accidental discovery of the Bahamas, Christopher Columbus was a true hero of history. But then the alternative histories were published, and the colonization of the New World was revealed to be a nightmare of atrocity and terror. Still, we can learn something from this stubborn idiot who…

Do you know what yesterday was? September 9. Also, the start of the Christmas advertising season. Fuck you, Kmart.

Labor Day is a complete rip-off. Labor isn't celebrated at all—instead, a single day's break from labor is celebrated. You might think this is a stupid thing to care about, because Labor Day is really just about getting drunk in your yard, again. But that's actually evidence of this very successful con job pulled on…

Operation Uphold Democracy: Haiti, 1994-95.

Glenn Grothman, a Wisconsin state senator since 2005, proclaimed in a press release late last week that Kwanzaa, the holiday designed to give blacks their own Christmas and Hanukkah equivalent, is nothing but a left-wing scam to divide blacks and whites. Because what better way to begin the new year than with some…

Merry Christmas! Come circle 'round the Gawker Yule Log GIF and complain about your family in the comfort of its looping digital glow. Happy Holidays, everyone.

Welcome to Thatz Not Okay, a regular column in which I school inquiring readers on what is and is not okay. Please send your questions to caity.weaver@gawker.com with the subject "Thatz Not Okay."

Every December, thousands of people convince themselves that, because they have been to a holiday party, they are capable of hosting a holiday party.

McDonald's, a machine for turning cow fat into money, is really into America, Christmas, Kwanzaa, holidays, whatever the fuck, assuming those holidays are celebrated at a McDonald's restaurant, or sitting in a parked car in a McDonald's parking lot, forcing down McDonald's food as tears stream down your face. All you…

What would you ask Santa if you were a fourth-grader? What if you'd never written to him before, because you're Muslim? There's some things you'd want to clear up, right? Things like... how. This kid did a pretty good job, though:

Random House, the publisher of Fifty Shades of Grey and (every other fact is irrelevant), announced at its holiday party last night that every American employee—thousands of them, anyone who's been with company for a year—will be getting a $5,000 Christmas bonus. "The cheering went on for minutes," says the NYT.

Here is the IFC Network Press Team's official holiday card. Note that it is signed by hand by all four members of the IFC Press Team. Now, imagine how many hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of stupid identical holiday cards the IFC Press Team has to send out, the vast majority of them to random reporters the IFC…

In the words of Margaret Cho, you got a cool mommy. In the words of RuPaul, so don't fuck it up. Some of the best answers from last week's post about gifts for cool parents are below:

Last week, we asked you how you reconcile the precarious position of having to buy a gift for someone you hate. This was a joke question that brought out a lot of truth, which was nice. Thank you for sharing your stories and suggestions. I do not hate you for that and would buy you a straightforwardly nice gift if I…

Last week we asked for your suggestions of what "books" (i.e. ancient Kindles made of wood pulp and ink and with the capacity to store only one title) to get your loved ones for Christmas. Here are some of your suggestions.

It's the holidays, and what better way to celebrate than with heartwarming stories about the power of familial love? Like this one, about the father who sent his three adult children a long letter expressing his "bitter disappointment" and listing the many "copulation-driven" things that they had done wrong in life.…

Last week, we asked you what to buy for those members of the "Millennial" generation who ironically hate everything. Remember? Sure you do. Well then: here are five good ideas. Buy them or not, whatever. Everything sucks.