I thought this kind of stranger in a strange land anthropology went out with Margaret Mead and her wacky escapades in Samoa.

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MAYBE people over 40, definitely over 50, didn't use the expression when they were younger. But I'm 35 and I was hooking up, um I mean my roommate was hooking up all over the place during college.

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...there's an increased likelihood of sexual assaults because hooking up is often fueled by alcohol.

Um.. people can make out (while drunk) and still comprehend what NO means.

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Am I wrong?

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The paradigm has shifted. Dial tones are dated. Cellphones are here to stay.

When I first heard about this "cellphone" thing years ago, I figured that it was a fad that would soon fizzle. I was wrong. It seems to be becoming the norm.

To help me understand this phenomenon, I called Kathleen Bogle, a professor at La Salle University in Philadelphia who has also studied the series of tubes colloquially known as 'teh internets' and is the author of the 2008 book, "Drunk-texting: Just Say No."

It turns out that everything is the opposite of what I remember. Under the old model, you had a large, plastic phone which attached to a base and plugged into the wall. Missed calls were electronically routed to a 6" x 6" plastic answering machine, which flashed a light to indicate you had a message.

Under the new model, you need not be near a power source, but are actually able to talk on the phone while, say, at the grocery store or driving in your car!

I asked her to explain the pros and cons of this strange culture. According to her, the pros are that cellphones are light and portable. The cons are that cellphones may increase the likelihood that you will communicate with someone while inebriated. Ms. Bogle explained that this accessibility can often lead to disastrous results.

Now that's sad.

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So I felt a new idea burst upon me like a giant exploding ball of idea sweat. The first thing I did was write to the owners of high tech companies in Mumbai, Dusseldorf, Dublin and Moosejaw, Saskatchewan who later confirmed my suspicions. Kids. Are. Putting. Penises. In. Vaginas! Can you believe it. It's a process that can only occur now that the world has been flattened by telecommunications, and hottened up by global warming. In this age of hot flatness, children are now on an equal level with each other. Now that they have full view of each other's genitals, it's only natural that they desire them. Also, the hottenting up of our global climate means that the air is hotter, and it gets hotter IN HERE. And what happens when it gets hot IN HERE? Well as one reputed scientist says: "You take off all your clothes". So now we have a world of blazing hot genitals facing each other on a flat plain of equitable economic development and some entrepreneurial youngster is going to attemt something radical. This radical process is something that I, in a completely original statement of supreme cogency and intelligence, like to call "a vaginal-intra-be-peening". Now I should probably have warned you, because it's a highly sexy name. But in this new age of brand new sexual behaviour never before attempted, us of the previous generation cannot fail but look at things with truthful eyes. And spray into our truthful eyes the eyedrops of humility and comprehension. And then when our truthful eyes drip with excess humility and comprehension only then can we spend out time staring straight at the blazing sun of truth for at least 12 minutes, until the full blindness of this new age is bestowed on us.

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People have sex? What is this sex thing of which they speak? I shall interview my college age son and find out. Then I shall enlighten the world.

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