You were never going to win the lottery. The odds were farcically low. But just in case you were keeping hope alive, we must now inform you: your odds have gotten much, much worse.

Gambling is a system of selling hope in exchange for money. Hope springs eternal, but money always runs out. New statistics show just how hopeless your futile dreams of striking it rich really are.

"Retirement," an ancient and outmoded system in which elderly people were able to stop working without starving to death, is little more than a faint dream of bygone days in modern America. Still, many of our readers harbor secret hopes of one day being able to retire in comfort. As a service to those readers, we…

This post was originally published in March and is being reprinted now, with some slight adjustments, because it is still true, you fools.

Since kids these days are already bombarded by advertising at school graduation speeches and on their school math tests, why not just go ahead and wrap their school lockers in ads, too? Good, let's do that.

The Way We Live Now: spacing out. Fly your pie in the sky if you so choose, sheeple—meanwhile, China grabs the money, Spain grabs the zombies, and the government grabs your home. But enjoy your space trip, sure.

The Way We Live Now: Fleeing the crumbling aftermath of a disaster-stricken hellscape. Having taken in the stark, hopeless, post-apocalyptic nature of their once-thriving home, citizens are getting out however they can. (Manhattanites, we mean.)

Yet another reason to regret that college education: While unemployment nationwide began going down last month, guess which way unemployment among recent college grads moved? That's right: Up! Is there a "grim case study" to illustrate this problem, we wonder?

Nobody is buying anything these days. Workers are idle, but they want to look productive. That leads to busywork. Great idea for a trend piece! Turns out busywork won't save you. You are doomed.